The reasons why I will never go back on SSRIs or even SSNIs is that we've created this culture of avoiding confronting deep emotions and numbing them to be able to "function" as a normal human. When you try to numb the pain, you will never deal with the underlining reasons to why you feel specifically, and then it's something which you carry with you on your back and then you collect all these negative piled-on emotions and the response is more medication to numb it.
I am aware that I openly wear my pain, I get into negative sprees where I'm drinking or high or doing other drugs, and I am not at all saying that I am holier than though because I am a flawed and chaotic individual. Through all that, I am still looking and searching relationships and at situations and trying to confront and decode what it means..Life goes fast, it seems like age seems to speed up how I experience time, and the last thing I want is to die without some sort of familiar connection with other people which will eventually resonate and carry on, I am going to enjoy and celebrate that I can still feel the pain of living.
The amount of stories of antidepressant injury from long-term use is alarming.
When I go on SSRI's I get an opposite feeling, usually I feel numb and emotionless. My life is so awful that all one can do is be numb to it and feel nothing, idk how to describe it, but my usual off med feeling is sort of like that one reddit story where the guy is literally fused to his couch yet still just stares blankly like he can't even feel it. Life is a dull black and white for me on default, which usually leads to my suicidal thoughts, which are less so emotional and more so objective. If this is me off meds, if this is the super awesome normal non-medicated life everyone talked about, then oh my gosh it's so empty and meaningless. There is literally no difference between it and death, so why even waste your time living? It's not even like the pain is too much, it's that there's no pain. It's like being in a constant sensory deprivation chamber.
When I'm on SSRIs, everything gets color and it's not black and white anymore. Bad things feel bad again, good things feel good again, life has a bit of an impact in a way where I can understand wanting to live, cause it's like a rollercoaster, it's like a ride, there's stuff going on everyday and it's kind of beautiful. And I wanna fix my life to where I can fully enjoy these things.
At least that's my experience, off med life is just staying inside, sleeping all day, contemplating suicide, and self harming cause it at least makes me feel something. On med life is getting out of bed. But apparently sleeping all day, contemplating suicide, and self harming cause it makes me feel something is natural and based.
I say this as someone who overthinks more than most people.
You're overthinking.
You are kind of weird. The actual Uncle Tom stuff mixed with other things, yeah. You're not exactly normal. But also you're growing up in a time where normalcy is kind of toxic and weirder than it used to be. I'm not saying all normies are awful people, but you shouldn't be grading yourself on the ability to talk to some bitch about the newest Tiktok or ability act like a drone with absolutely no actual hobbies or consistent beliefs.
You're stressing this shit too much. Get a bike or go for a long walk on a nice trail with some headphones. Be nice to yourself, even if you might suck at times.
Thanks, but I more so meant I think I'm overthinking the morality of simply getting checked out for something. Gosh, it feels like the world I'm in, the advice aimed at someone my age in my situation is literally the opposite advice I need. Cause I lived by it for so long and it ruined my life. There's this song where one of the lyrics is "Was it a mistake to try to define", but I always misheard it as "Was it a mistake to try to be fine". That misheard lyric is pretty much how I feel, and it's like the entire world is telling me YES!!! Just go back to being unhappy, you were cooler then! You were against the grain, edgy! All those stuuuupid libtards and BPDemons take SSRIs and get diagnoses, but you're COOL and BASED and FUNNY! It doesn't matter if it helped you, it's LAAAME and GAAAY! And unpredictable too, ooo, get scared! And you'd be so like interesting and introspective if you just stuck to banging your head against the wall every thursday, ditch those gay pills!!! That's natural man, sure you wanna kill yourself, but you NATURALLY wanna kill yourself! At least you're not doped up and numb on pills, despite the fact that you've never felt numb on pills... Whatever, who cares, it's all about sacrificing your health and sanity so you can be looked up to by chuddy hipsters! At least you're FUNNY off your meds! Hahahaha! Look, she's cutting herself! That's so fucking funny, why did psychiatrists wanna stop this? What are they, STUPID??? "Autism"? That doesn't exist, only if you're literally shitting your pants it does!
Like fucking hell I JUST want to have a live and let live attitude, idc how people treat their own issues, I just treat mine in a way that works for me. But for some reason the entire world is OBSESSED with telling me that NOOOO you CAAAAN'T do that that's WROOOONG. Which is so unfair cause I never do that to other people! I try to keep my nose out of other's business, but it feels like that favor is never returned! Or maybe it is, and I'm just very sensitive, and I percieve certain things said to me as commands! Idk!
