Why do I get the feeling that Hamber is going to lie to me? Oh, that's right: she's a fat fucking liar.
watch my breakdown/downfall.... | 500lb gorl | episode 8 - July 27, 2022
I'm not a fan of clickbaity title, Fatty. About as much as I am of all that handsy bullshit you and your My Gorlfriend do. Just a hint. Also, this video has already shot past the 1K dislikes. Someone should make a bot to track the progress of the like/dislike numbers on her nontent.
I guess the ShowerLynn Era is well and truly dead. As many have reminded you, and as you smugly trot out on a regular basis, YT is your job. Stop turning up to work greasy and unshowered. It's contemptuous. Fat Ham thinks "we" should have been making more progress at this point. Unless you got some kind of critter stuffed down your muumuu, WTF is this "we" shit? Gained again. What, no "Fluctuations, amirite" dismissal? " She "doesn't know how" she is up weight. If you actually listened to people giving you read advice and criticism, you'd know why pretty soon.
"Tempted" to order a seafood bowl. It's something she's "been craving pretty hard-core". Then why haven't you had one? Imaginary shrink and dietician say "give in to your cravings". So do it, instead of talking about it. Then make sure you leave your stinky, smelly dishes in the sink o on the counter until the next day. As usual. Because you're a fucking pig and apparently the stank of seafood isn't enough to overcome the stank of you and your festering bodily issues and make any difference at all.
LOL. Claims there have been times she ordered "seafood boil and just ate that throughout the day" and nobody fucking believes that, Fatass. Says if she gets that,she'll tell us, and if she gets something else, she'll tell us (because that's apparently the point of this series, and here I thought it was to see her lose
100 14 pounds), and there's nothing else, apparently: it's takeout, period, not cooking something with all the groceries they buy, not flinging something in the microwave from that hoard in the freezer. Wasteful, wasteful, wasteful.
Rarity sighting, and that cat is getting FAT.
Blah blah blah, "I'm not eating that much, I don't understand why I'm not losing weight!" Sure, LiarLynn.
Cut to some indeterminate time later. This is the absolutely riveting content we've been after: Fat ham telling us she's not going to get the seafood boil, but that she "hasn't ate yet." GrammarLynn, back again! Hair still greasy, she's still unshowered. Whe's in the bathroom, though. Will this be a shower situation type deal molment? Of course not. She's going to treat us to her clearing her bathroom sink area. Says she is usually organized, sometimes "messily organized" and it's clear she has no fucking clue what that really means. She probably has three cases of that cooch spray in the closet. Skipping this nontent.
Gross. Caught the tail end of the Great Bathroom Reorg of 2022. Clean your brush regularly, you nasty pig.
Now back to talking balloon head Hamber: "I have ate." OK, ProperGrammarLynn. Showing us pitchers from online because she idn't take no pitchers of that food there yonder, y'all. Also didn't film it. But isn't that what this is all about, Fat Ham? Guess not. Go ahead. Tell us all the shitty food you ate instead of just cooking something yourself or waiting five minutes while something cooks in the microwave. Says "what I've ate today" and you know, you really sound like a fucking tard, Hamber. It isn't cute or quirky or any of the other things you think makes you special or unique or different. It's stupid and idiotic and something that five year olds learn. Now, proceed with the shit you shoved down that stupid, gaping maw of yours. PF Changs, Kung Pao chicken, which she claims she "always" orders from there, which is a lie, because you have in the past ordered orange chicken. I guess if you want to start off with a lie, you'll just continue to lie to us about what you've "ate". Claims to have only eaten half of it, because of he bigger pieces of chicken, which "creeps me out" and I am getting really sick and fucking tired of your bullshit. CUT THE FUCKING PIECE IN HALF. It's astonishing that someone can be so fucking lazy that they cannot be fucking bothered to cut their own goddamned food. Or, in the alternate, pretend to be so delicate and fucking dainty when they are over 500 goddamned pounds and try to convince other people they're not actually hoovering everything in their fucking sight. Pick one, you lying fucking cunt. Because it certainly cannot be both.
Go ahead. Astonish us with the level of control you subsequently had over your food intake the rest of the day, given such restraint about the goddamned chicken. Oh, you ordered spring rolls, too? Well, why the fuck not? What's an entree without a fucking appetizer to go with it? "I had one, she had one." "She" who? Wipey/Wifey/your My Gorlfriend? Come ON, WriterLynn. You can't just fucking say something like that when thus far, you're the only one in the goddamned scene. You need some remedial fucking English lessons before you even waste another half second thinking you're some kind of fucking writer. In fact, let me have someone else say it.
"Then later on, I just had a few of my little snacks" - and by a few she means chickpea snacks, lemon shortbread, plantain chips, and sodium noodles. So, sugar, salt, and then even more salt, and a bunch of carbs. "That could be it, that could be good for the day." Except it isn't, Fat Ham. We know it. You know it. Stop pretending that you're aanything other than just a fat fuck, interested solely in eating yourself to death. And goddamn, stop with the sodium noodles. Get a shot glass, fill it with salt, and slug it back. Same effect, zero carbs.
"I do feel pretty snacky today." No shit. You don't say. This is my shocked face. Oh good, now she's "thinkeen" and apparently THAT is now what this fucking "series" is about, to give us a glimpse into "this brain up here." Ain't no brain up there. If there were, you'd stop acting like your body is an entirely separate entity from you when it isn't. You'd recognize that you have done yourself so much harm that it is unrecoverable at this point. You'd stop being a wastrel and rampant consumer of precious earthly resources and cheap plastic shit, or things you buy simply to buy them like (name any fucking thing - purses, journals, earrings, food, whatever).
YOU DO NOT HAVE ADHD. Goddammit, take ONE FUCKING IOTA of responsibility for your fucking actions, instead of adding to your fucking arm's length list of excuses and coopted, munchie "muh mentalz". She's deciding to get assessed for ADHD beccause it's "literally the only thing that makes sense". No, it fucking IS NOT. Add "wasting professionals' time" to the long, long list of items that you suck from this planet and could never replace, even if you lost 400 pounds today and went to work at a real fucking job like 90% of the rest of the fucking planet. Oh, who am I kidding. There will be no assessment. There will be no specialist. She'll just make shit up as she does with the imaginary shrink, then vomit it at her audience as fact. Blahblahblah, rattling off symptoms she pulled from WebMD.
Deep Thoughts with the Bard of Ham, Thinkerlynn. And before y'all get too excited about the soliloquy she's about to launch into, I guarantee it is not going to be an
"Out, damned spot" or
"Is this a dagger which I see before me" or even
"All the world's a stage" or the alternate
"All the world's indeed a stage". No, this will always only, and ever, be about Fat Ham and all the ills that plague here, keepnig her - no, denying her! - anything resembling a real life.
What care she has, or what need has she, for a dagger?
Whether 'tis nobler to slice a chicken breast, or in the
Reorganizing, make her My Gorlfriend cut shelf lineen
With it; either those, and more, are nothing. For it is
Ang-zie-tee who rules this domain, flitting from thought
to thought, like a butterfly. Maybe a dainty one.
Fat Ham starts off on one of her poor pity me speeches, as she has in the past, and we all know what those are like. Still holding fast to that claim that what she's been showing on camera is all she is eating, and because she is so very quirky, and absolutely unique, she can't lose weight. She has a brief "Am I eating too few calories" to lose weight, and rapidly corrects herself as being stupid, so one point for her. Minus all the points for the rest of it, though. Looked up Dr Now's diet, on which she could very likely lose 30 pund dis munt, but rejects that, as it will "make me binge" and I'd like to say right here that her absolutism about her eating is why she will never lose meaningful weight - and I mean that in addition to the fact that she simply does not want to lose weight. "I'm not going to stop getting takeout, it's just not going to happen." "1400 calories? That would make me binge. 1200 calories on Dr Now's diet? That will make me binge." "I went to a weight loss doctor last year and she told me to just add vegetables to what I was eating. Don't change what I'm eating, just add vegetables." She thought that was stupid, but the only stupid one is you, Porky: there is a REASON weight loss doctors tell you to do certain things and then come back in a month. It's to see how fucking serious you are about losing weight, you fat fucking idiot. If you can't be bothered to do something AS SIMPLE as eating a serving of veg with whatever shitty food you're tossing down your gullet, then you will not do something more difficult like not blowing your fucking staples or band out because you eat too much. Hamber is the most monumental retard I have ever seen on YT that is not a child. Says she can't just come on here saying it's day 30 of 500 pound gorl or whatever. You've been doing that for nine goddamned years. But NOW you're worried about that? OK.
Anyhow, I stopped listening fully to her musings, because I was intrigued by the number of times she used one of her favorite crutch words: like. From when she started talking about this to where she ended, she said "like" a whopping 42 fucking times. She also threw literally in there three times, and "actively" - which she should stop fucking using, she doesn't do anything "actively" but eat- twice.
15:45 through 20:55 - she's shopping online. How do we know this? Because she's filming her fucking laptop screen, I shit you not. trying to convince us all she wears a 4x in leggeens. Sure, JanberLynn. Oh, she loves the pants in the color "chocolate". Well, of course you fucking do. Same reason you love candles that smell like food. I skipped across the rest of this like a stone across a lake.
I'm guessing that her My Gorlfriend must have gone home for some of that vacation week. naturally, Hamber cannot do things like that because she's too fucking fat. Poor you, Fat Ham. Poor you. I imagine if Hamber did drop 400 pounds instantly and told her My Gorlfriend she was ready to go to NY and meet her My Gorlfriend's family, her My Gorlfriend would suddenly come up with reasons not to go.
Holy shit. Her head is even more balloony. Way to just ditch that dieting bullshit and embrace your true self, Hamber! Eat ALL the things. Isn't it so much less stress to stop with the performative dieting crap, and just give in to your one true passion - eating? Let's see if she does!
"It's a completely different day." We know. It's light outside. When it's nighttime, and you're making woe is me videos, or on those many, many days that you're having "lunch" at 7 PM or dinner at 1 AM because you don't go to bed until 2 AM or get up before noon, you never show the windows. Just one more reason why you suck at poker. Also, take a fucking shower and wash that nasty, greasy hair.
It's ten days later, she says, after that last bit. Big deal. It could just as easily be one or a hundred. Time has no meaning in the amberverse because you don't do anything but sit on the couch,eating and watching 90 Day Whatever. But sure, go ahead and try to convince us this isn't just another waste of time, just like you waste everything else. Because you sure as hell weren't making even a tiny attempt to lose weight, based on the size of your fat head.
'A lot has happened in the last ten days." Tells us she prefilms, that's why we've been geting videos every other day, and she claims she has been doing that since the beginning of the year. I'll just preemptively call bullshit on that claim, because I'm not going to go look at the dates on everything. Um......
Whenever she does that idiotic "Ummmm...." it means she "binged", AKA ate all the shit she wanted to eat, when she wanted, and in what quantity she wanted. She did the same thing with Jenny Kreg. "Um....well....I binged," she said, when failing for the nth time. You do not have BED, bitch. You're just a lazy glutton.
Wow, she's gracing us with transparency and honesty, damn, we peons should be fucking GRATEFUL. Haha. She "binged". She stopped making videos because of that, because "I couldn't find myself." LOLOLOL. How difficult is it, exactly, to find a 500 fucking pound behemoth on the couch? She "doesn't know what this means" for the 500 pound gorl thing. Hey, it's fine. WE know. Just another L for Hamber.
Oh, she's going to deign to continue to make "content" for us proles. Things are happening in her life that she doesn't want to share, guise! Oh, muh mentalz. YOU ARE NOT BIPOLAR YOU LYING CUNT. She says there's life outside YT, not that she would fucking know.
She's trying to be all Deep and Knowledgeable. LOL, says she hasn't been counting calories - we know, you already said you weren't going to, can't you remember all your shitty nontent? - and there's stuff happening in the real world, and she'll tell us some of that in the next one. I'll just be over here in the corner, holding my breath for the heavy bullshit coming our way.
And that's it. She'll see us in the next one.I guess we'll be a month behind forever. I mean,why would you want to have to show up every other day for your fucking job in real time? That'd just be stupid, wouldn't it?
Far TL;DW/R: Hamber eats shitty food instead of using anything that exists in that kitchen to cook a decent meal. Whines about how her body hates her and won't let her lose weight even though she's "ate" really low calories, guise! She's overfeeding the cats, or at least Rarity, who is far too large. Officially decides to claim ADHD with all those tickets she won at the kiddie arcade. Poor me, o woe is me! Says "like" 42 times in her soliloquy of misery. Shopping online! Fun! Especially for us, because she films her laptop screen with her phone as she shops. The last scene is Hamber telling us she took a ten day break - like we would be able to tell, since all the days are the same in the amberverse - and she tries to be philosophical but fails. There's other stuff happening! But she can't tell us, sad. But maybe she'll tell us a little in the next video! Exciting! Mmm hmm. I'm sure it will be just as riveting as anything else we've seen in the past nine years. The End.
skinny
