💥 Trainwreck Gloria Tesch / Sofia Nova - Author of the Maradonia series turned Republithot

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F. Hausdorff said:
>colored pencils
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Colored pencils are used by adults to make some pretty good stuff though.

ThunderCavalier said:
So, one thing I noticed was said in the prologue was that apparently our lovely little Gloria Tesch puts herself among people like Stephen King, J.K. Rowling, and Stephanie Meyer.
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Reminds me of this:
'Hotel Ricky Ricardo' by CWC said:
En las habitaciones hay unos cuadros do los artistas buenos: DeVinci, Michalanglo y C.W. Chandler.
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ToroidalBoat said:
Colored pencils are used by adults to make some pretty good stuff though.
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This is true, I have a couple of cases of high quality colored pencils in my room. And Gloria would likely know this, seeing as how her mom is an artist (although not an especially great one). That said, I'm pretty sure there is no mention about Joey and Maya being artistic anywhere in Gloria's horrible story and thus, as far as I know, no reason for them to know that. So it's not unreasonable to think he's referring to the list of standard school supplies, except I don't ever remember crayons and colored pencils being required beyond middle school unless I took an art class.
 
ToroidalBoat said:
Colored pencils are used by adults to make some pretty good stuff though.
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I think it's the context of the sentence that makes it sound as though it's two 15 year olds who are literally fighting over stationery, which is where my keks were had.
 
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[previous installment]

We've managed to survive the prologue somehow and can now get into the actual "plot". Remember, Professor Robert Epstein is telling this story to a bunch of fifth graders in the couple hours before their lunch break. That being the case, I've dropped the deeper narration and just substituted it with my Professor Epstein narration (which, honestly, is much easier on my vocal chords).

Remember how long the prologue was? It's longer than the first five chapters combined. So take solace in the fact that your suffering will be coming in short bursts from now on instead of one endless marathon of terrible.

I'm also going to include the illustrations that accompany every chapter. Keep in mind that these were not drawn by Gloria herself, but by her mother. Yes, a full grown adult drew these abominations and thought "yeah, these are good enough to publish". I've put them behind spoilers because I didn't want to shrink these masterpieces.

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Chapter One - The New School
Thoughts: I have no thoughts. There is only dread.

Coping Mechanism: relish the fact that you aren't Maya and Joey's mother. She will have to spend her entire life carrying the knowledge that she gave birth to these two imbeciles. Pour yourself a drink in honor of the many that the poor woman must have consumed during both pregnancies.

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Chapter Two - School Fight
Thoughts: I don't know how I managed to get through this chapter without fucking everything up. The writing is so bad even DisneyFan01 would shake her head in dismay. Don't even get me started on the psychopathic content. If my ten-year-old wrote something like this I wouldn't publish it, I'd get their ass into a therapist's office.

Coping Mechanism: take two shots of Purple Drank in honor of the POCs that appear in this chapter (NOTE: this suggestion is not nearly as racist as Gloria Tesch).

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Chapter Three - The Party
Thoughts: we finally get our first hint of the "plot", though it takes an attempted murder to trigger it. One has to wonder what Gloria's relationship with her own brothers is like.

Coping Mechanism: mix yourself a Caribbean Blue and chase it with a shot of pool water. I call this new combination the "Gloria Tesch Plot Development".

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Chapter Four - At the Pebble Beach
Thoughts: so Maya's just sitting around waiting for the plot to get underway. She's also remembering dialogue that didn't actually happen in the previous chapter. Daddy Tesch always finds new and terrible ways to fuck up the editing process, doesn't he?

Coping Mechanism: same as the last drink, but this time substitute the pool water for sea water (preferably retrieved at low tide).

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Chapter Five - No Trespassing
Thoughts: between Maya and Joey I can't decide who is the bigger idiot, and yet they're basically the same character. They're both whiny, immature brats who enjoy violence and have no remorse over their attempted murders. Surely, this is the amazing characterization that the forward warned us about.

Coping Mechanism: look at the small splash of liquor still clinging to the bottom of your bottle and realize that it's deeper than Maya and Joey's intellect.
 
Oh Gods, it's even worse then I imagined!
One thing that really stood out with the prologue and intro is how repetitive she is. That's probably why it's so long compared to the other chapters. She writes a lot without saying anything.

And that generic mean girl in the fight chapter? I have to say, she reminded me of Gloria herself.

This is an awesome reading, though! It makes the story much more bearable.
 
ThunderCavalier said:
I haven't listened to the chapters yet, but those drawings look like they would be rejected from fucking dA.
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Glorias mother considers herself to be a professional artist/illustrator so it seems delusion is a genetic trait.
 
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