Feeling desperate - hard time with my tennage daughters
TRIGGER WARNING
I am a MtF trans woman, 54 yo, I need to vent this as I was so happy these last months, but now the depression and lack of hope seems to be coming back.
My egg cracked 6 months ago and I started HRT 1 month ago, I live in the UK with my two tennager daughters, 17 and 15 yo, their mother, my ex wife, lives in another country, I came out to my ex wife about 2 months ago, she was very supportive and we decided to tell the kids when she comes to visit us next April.
But my relation with the kids has not been good for some time, one of the reasons I decided to take care of myself, as I was isolating from everything due to my transness and they were the only people I had some fun with, but with the tennager years they started to prefer being with their friends and I felt very lonely and decided to be what I always knew I was and stop self isolating.
I have made more friends in 6 months than in the 14 years I stayed isolated after the divorce, and now they are complaining that I don't care about them, that now I only care about myself, and so on. My hair and nails are growing and they keep bullying me saying how ugly I am, but that's ok, I can handle this, but I believe they are sensing things are diferent with me and they can feel I am hiding something.
My ex wife is telling me that I have to come to terms with them as I need to get their affection for me back inviting them to hang out and short trips , but when I try to approach them they don't want me near, it is a vicious circle that I don't know how to break. She says that is important to get this relation and affection back as she says that if I loose this it will be harder and harder to get it back and when I come out to them it will be even worse, as I think they are homophobic and transphobic for the things I hear they saying.
I am trying to be the best father possible, I am a single parent in a foreign country, no family or friends to help, struggling financially to survive, trying to give them a better life that I had, but it seems they take it for granted, I am starting to think that I should pause my transition, and don't tell them about it, it seems a logical solution to avoid conflict, but it won't guarantee they will treat me better and for sure I will be very unhappy, so this is not a solution, I keep asking why I am not a cis person, this would not be happening this way, I know it is a emotional thinking, but it is how I feel now. Any words of encouragement and wisdom from you people in this moment is much appreciated
