DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Severe-News-9375 in r/parentingteenagers
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Friend group, hentai, and a birthday party - September 11, 2026
I don't even know how to begin this. I'm so frustrated and at my wits end.
I'm (34f) a single parent to a 14 year old boy. It's pretty much always been us since the beginning and we have always had an open relationship with healthy communication. We have close male friends and family members in our lives that he can talk to about things he's embarrassed to talk to me about, and it's generally worked out well. He goes to a public school that is lottery based. A lot of kids that attend are different, artsy, couldn't fit in at other schools, etc. He was bullied when he was younger and tested very high, so having him in a school that allowed him to work ahead was awesome.
He was very self driven but eighth grade it flipped. He made a lot more friends and that became his focus. These friends are very into anime, don't have other hobbies, don't play sports or do other activities, don't seem to have goals for after high school, and they also don't hang out outside of school or do activities together. It is super odd to me. They mainly hang out online in Discord servers.
I have limits on his electronics. He is allowed on certain sites for short periods, I've never banned him from talking to his friends. But last year the hentai started. Somehow his tablet was disconnected from my family Google and he downloaded games that are wildly very weird and inappropriate. I caught him, obviously, we talked about it and also had the sex talk and about how things like that online are not 'real'. I kept an eye on things and thought we were good.
He went on a trip to visit my parents. And I found an anime figurine in his bed. If you know about these figurines, you know what I'm referring to. I didn't buy it for him, he said a friend gave it to him. Very weird. About a month ago I found out he had gone through my old electronics and found an old phone and tablet. Hentai. Hentai games. I told him this is not okay. Then today, again, he somehow found ANOTHER tablet (his room is under construction and is currently staying in a room where I have storage totes, he went through the totes). I used to work in automotive and had tablets I used for doing vehicle inspections, I didn't remember there was another one. And fucking AGAIN. Hentai. Hentai games. And not just sex, furries, bondage, tentacles. I'm not a prude, I've dabbled, but what the hell.
He was supposed to go to a birthday party tonight and I was so excited because finally, the friends are doing something. And it's at a local roller rink where we used to be regulars, so I would have gone to and been able to see my friends while he does his thing. We live over an hour away so dropping him off and going home wasn't an option. I don't bother him or helicopter at the rink.
I feel like I shouldn't allow him to go. Sign him up for therapy. Move him schools. I don't know. I'm also having a hard time at work right now (changing jobs) and it's a stressful time at home, so emotions are heightened.
I'm probably leaving out a lot of context here, I'm currently sitting in the tool room at my shop trying to figure out my life, so I can add more if there are questions. I'm at a loss. Taking away the electronics, turning off the router, putting locks on everything, nothing stops it.
Eta: The reason I found out today and the main reason for the post, is that he slept through his alarms and I found the tablet in his bed. Then he forgot to do his morning chores (feed his cats), slept through his pickup for school (had to pay $34 for an Uber), and has 'forgotten' to follow up on his missing classwork. I believe it's due to lack of sleep. I have had him tested for ADHD as it runs in the family, he doesn't have it. I
Relevant comments
Commenter 1: As a dad with adhd, I was immediately thinking that as I read the post. And then reading the end, I was like
. If adhd runs in family, I think a different doc needs consulting. Did you discuss with pediatrician or adhd evaluator?
OOP: It was a full evaluation with a psychiatrist and he completed the QBTech test. I wanted to get him all of the help that he needs, so that was my first course of action when things started changing.
Commenter 2: We are, unfortunately, stuck in the digital age and once the hormones get going, it's hard to expect them to not be curious. Regardless of how much we want to protect our kids from certain things online, there are only so many things we can do. Having the open and honest conversations surrounding sex is a positive, he knows you are a safe person. Porn does not set up a realistic idea of sex, romance novels don't set a realistic idea of a healthy relationship. Why is one more acceptable than the other? It's all fantasy and I know you're not shaming him, but it really is just figuring out his interests and a healthy respect for kink requires being ok feeling uncomfortable with other people's kink. The biggest issue is the lack of respect he is showing you. He has repeatedly broken your rules and boundaries you've set regarding electronic usage.
Both of my kids, one is 16 and the other is 22, have lost their electronic usage for a varying amount of time due to the disregard of rules and boundaries. Then we reprinted the teenage cell phone usage agreement, signed it and posted it on the fridge so there was no question as to the guidelines for their electronics. We can't stop their use of the school Chromebook, but you can print the usage agreement that both of you signed and if the behavior persists, turn him in. I have emailed my 16yo's principal to block websites and such that they have used to go around the guardian program the school uses, they appreciate it. School electronics get plugged in in the master bedroom nightly. Cell phone, while being used responsibly and minding your responsibilities, can be kept in their bedroom, otherwise, it is also plugged in in the master. We use Google family to limit usage. Personal computers and game systems such as PS5 stay in a family area of the home, living room, dining room, etc. Bottom line, my 22yo made some dumb choices online, lost Instagram from 16-18, spent a fair share of his time without his electronics, is now in the army, has an open and honest relationship with us and is married to a wonderful woman. Still raising up the 16yo which might be where all my grey hair is coming from...
Commenter 3: Don't take away the birthday party. When my son broke down we took away a concert and he couldn't go to concerts without breaking down in tears and self harming for 2.5 years. You don't want him to give up on doing things with friends. Encourage that behavior.
Yes, get him in therapy. Get into parenting therapy so you have someone to help you navigate dealing with this situation and the fall out that is going to likely come. Make him pay you back for the Uber by doing extra chores. The stealing and sneaking electronics is a huge part of what he needs therapy for. It's so hard with really smart kids. My sons OCD gets obsessed with figuring out how to circumvent rules. It's very frustrating.
Also, 14 year olds don't need to have plans for the future. They are 14. The stress and pressure to have everything figured out at that age is too much.
OOP: Thank you, I just texted the birthday party parents to let them know we will be attending. My mom was abusive and loved removing activities out of retaliation, so I have a hard time knowing when it's appropriate to take things away. And I am going to contact my psychiatrists office for a pediatric/teen referral. I have talked to him before about going to therapy and he hits me with "why would I want to do that?" so I held off. But also, teenager, so I probably should have just done it.
For the life plans portion, I guess it's more like...when I was younger I had a million dreams of things I wanted to do in the future. I wanted to rehab race horses, be a detective, an artist and build houses, you know, weird little things that probably would never pan out. But they were things I was passionate about. Him and his friends don't have that and it makes me sad. I understand that the future we are giving them is pretty bleak, but I wish he was around other individuals that could inspire him/they could inspire each other.
Commenter 3: I see what you mean about plans. You mean like aspirations and dreams. I would tell him about therapy when he asks "why would I want to do that?" "I think it's important that we have people to talk to about things when they are hard. And if we don't talk to them when things are easy than we can't talk to them when things are hard. And sometimes therapists help us see everything more clearly, so I want you to have that. Especially as you are getting older and are navigating new situations." Then tell the therapist the reasons you want them in therapy for real and the struggles you are seeing. A good teen therapist will take what you say into account without ratting you out. Have you tried making him do extra curriculars? Kind of brainstorm what things they like and push them that way with hobbies. It helps get aspirations.
OOP: You nailed it, that's exactly what I meant. My brain is mashed potatoes today. And definitely following the therapy advice, that makes a lot of sense and will resonate with him. I have had him in a few activities and he was okay with doing them but never enthusiastic. We had a deal where he would continue doing an activity of my choosing until he came up with one he actually wanted to do, which went well until the activity schedule changed. His school is almost like a charter school, the kids can play sports or do activities at another high school, and I encourage him to go through the list and we would figure out a way to make it happen. Nothing sparked for him. I have been having him to come take care of my horse with me (we aren't fancy horse owners, more like giant dog in the back yard horse owners), and he seems to like it but when I bring up him taking riding lessons himself...he doesn't go for it. I understand depression and mental health issues, and it doesn't seem like that, so I'm trying to figure out if I should just sign him up for some more things and force him to do them until one sticks.
Commenter 3: My best friend's daughter will do any activity she gets signed up for, but never picks one herself. So, she is told to play golf and do taekwando. She likes both. So, maybe that is what your son needs-- pick things for him that you think he might be at all interested in and then reevaluate at certain intervals. From my experience, taekwando, rock climbing, and d&d are great for teens. Very niche, but magicians too. They are generally welcoming communities and super supportive.
Commenter 4: Sounds like you are being nosy and tell him about the harmful effects of porn and men that can’t get erections but if he screws up his own brain and he is determined to do it, taking away devices just means him and his friends will do print outs.
What happens when you help find other hobbies?
OOP: I'm not purposefully being nosy. He leaves things out in the open amd is breaking the rules about electronics after bed time, which is affecting his daily life.
The first time I found out because I had to go on his tablet to fix his e-mail account and he acted so nervous you would think he commit a crime. I asked him directly what was on there that he wouldn't want me to see, and he told me (in a very roundabout teenager way). I looked at the games because they popped up on the Google Play. And I told him I'm not mad, that it's natural to be curious, but consuming that content will have significant impact on his brain/life. After that first time I looked at his history after finding out he poached my old phone because I wanted to verify before talking to him about it again.
As for activities, I replied about that pretty in depth further down the thread. But he's been involved in cross country running, dance, rock climbing, DnD, pickle ball, art club, roller skating, and currently helps me with my horse. He has a lot of opportunities but nothing has really grabbed his full attention yet. I won't stop trying, though.
Commenter 5: The more you try to stop a kid from something, the more interested they are. 10x truer if the kid is in puberty and the something is related to sex. You’re shaping his future kinks if you shame him for them. We were all horny teens (ages ago). He’s probably just exploring things. It’s the flavor of the month, unless you turn it into more.
Be glad he’s doing so in the privacy of his room…and alone.
OOP: I don't shame him for them, it's more so that it's impeding on his sleep schedule and other activities. It's like he's lost interest in everything except trying to get on these games and sites. I should have put that in there. I gave him a copy of 'The Guide to Getting it On' so he could peruse in his own time, and actually get accurate information. I also want him to have a healthy view of sex and the bodies of others, if that makes sense
Commenter 6: So.. this isn't a shame thing. And I completely disagree with the other comment saying "lol boys will be boys at least he's in his room." uh.. no.
Curiosity about sex and experimenting with masturbation and all that is one thing. But you can choose how to raise your kids and if you consider pornography to be something they engage it. Porn has many proven harmful effects on ALL men, but especially during teenage years. Porn addiction is a thing. It can shape how you view and treat women. It can make you retreat from normal sexual relationships and even regular relationships and at it's worst, society entirely.
And then you have Hentai. It engages the most depraved forms of sex that people can come up with. Animal on animal, human on animal, group sex, alien sex, bondage and torture, rape, incest, and sex with young children. Nothing is off limits with that shit. It's not good for a kid and it's not good for adults either.
Personally, sneaking this shit onto multiple different devices when he knows he shouldn't is crossing so many lines. Even if you take the porn out of it, he's simply going behind your back and abusing your rules on electronics. Repeatedly.
He should go a not inconsequential amount of time completely without electronics. No phone, computer, tablets, laptops, game systems, anything. Don't even focus on the porn for now. Tell him that you have rules about using electronics that he is aware of and he is repeatedly disobeying them. You don't allow that kind of stuff and it isn't for minor children, yet he continues to do it. Focus on the fact he isn't listening to your rules more than he's some kind of sick weirdo for liking that stuff.
Lastly, as someone that's been a discord user since the app first launched I can tell you that discord is not a safe environment for at risk teens. There's loads and loads of wholesome communities on there that just want to share socially or play games together. There's an equal amount of really really sick ones too. If a teen is struggling with these kinds of behaviors I think it's time to get rid of that completely.
I caught my daughter with a joint once and found out that she was getting all kinds of messages on snapchat from boys at school with little videos of them smoking weed. That was it for me, snapchat is gone. Forever. We don't do apps that have self deleting messages where the majority of the content is inappropriate.
OOP: Thank you for this. This topic is so polarizing and I do want him to have a healthy relationship with sex, but I don't see pornography as a representation of that. I don't want to shame him and have him go even deeper into hiding things from me, but I also don't want him to keep going down this rabbit hole of content that leads nowhere good. When I was younger and very in need of therapy, I went down a similar path as I had familial trauma and that contributed to a more warped mentality and viewpoint.
I am going to take your advice and focus on removing the electronics. His school Chromebook is one of the main issues as I don't have parental controls and the students have figured out proxy's and VPN's. It sucks. A lot. In the past I put his electronics in front of one of our cameras at night (I don't have a house full of cameras, just one at the entry door with a table next to it), and he snuck down and grabbed them. I kept them next to the entrance so we wouldn't forget them on his way to school, which was obviously taken advantage of. So now we are going to go back to me keeping everything in my room and if he forgets to ask for his Chromebook in the morning then that's on him.
Thank you for the input about Discord. I had a time limit of 15 minutes on as I thought he was using it to communicate solely with his classmates, but I am coming to understand I have been super naive about that. I forget that there are a lot of parts of these sites that I know nothing about, and not just what I use them for.
Biggest thank you - September 25, 2026
After my last post (the hentai one) I deleted Discord and some of the other messaging apps from my sons devices, took his phone aside from when he is out of the house (texting, calling, and Uber only), gave him a 2008 style mp3 player (it requires corded headphones, no data), and removed the gaming consoles and tablet. In response to breaking the electronics rules.
And holy shit guys.
It's like a whole new teen.
We went to the birthday party at the roller rink, I gave him his space and got to watch him interact with his friends. He did try to wrangle me into the festivities but I mainly gave him space to be himself. Afterward we decided to get him a new (used) pair of skates so he can go more often, and he helped me clean up his outgrown skates to sell them and pay for his new ones. He's talking to us about his classes and what he's doing at school. HE MADE HONOR ROLL. He went to homecoming and even hung out with friends in real life beforehand. I run motorsport events and he helped out and had one of his friends join us (first time he's ever invited someone out!). He's currently at the skate park with my partner learning how to Ollie. He told me he wants to learn to snowboard this winter. He also had his friends record me an audio message saying 'happy birthday' which about put me into tears. And he's reading books again! By choice in his free time!!
I have been running automotive events, mainly time trial and drifting, since he was a baby. So that's always been a run of the mill boring thing for him. I always felt bad and would let him play on his Switch and tablet while I was busy. They're usually long cold days watching cars speed around pavement. This time he put on a safety vest and radio and was helping me send cars out onto the track. Then helped us clean up cones of his own accord. It's all volunteer run and everyone was so supportive of him. It seems to have made an impact, watching character development in real time.
We talked in depth about the hentai and he understands why we are concerned about it, and he hasn't asked for his electronics back or tried to sneak them. I believe we had a breakthrough on that front.
I am just. Amazed. I truly believe that disconnecting him from Discord has a lot to do with this, and I really appreciate the other parents who gave me insight and recommended blocking the app. In the past I've removed his other electronics but then gave them back because sometimes he has to wait a few hours for me to do something (errands, pickup/drop offs, etc.). This time I just said that he chose to break the rules, he can figure out how to not be bored.
I'm just very happy that we have a win. I don't have a lot of parent friends since I had my son somewhat young, all of my friends kids are still toddlers, so I really appreciate everyone that chimed in. Thank you!
Relevant comments:
Commenter 1: How old is your son? What were his previous behaviors? I missed the last post. I think I need some drastic action as well.
OOP: He's 14 and was sneaking electronics/staying up super late to be on them (repeatedly, this behavior was off and on for a while). He was getting onto Discord and also looking at some very hard-core style hentai, which was a bit disturbing. It started affecting his sleep and his interactions with my partner and I and also our extended family. He wasn't wanting to take part in activities or do really anything except be online. It was like he lost all of his passion. His friends that he was mainly talking to on Discord were all similar, they didn't do things outside of school together. He also wasn't completing or turning in school work. It's only been a few weeks since I 'brought the hammer down' but the change was almost immediate. The first few days were a little rough, but we got through it.
Commenter 2: It’s so heartening to hear about a kid responding so well. He sounds like a good kid who needed some extra support and you guys delivered.
Very happy for you!!! Stay the course!
Commenter 3: Good for you! These changes often feel overwhelming/impossible, but it can be so good on the other side.
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