I've looked into sleep apnea, fearing I may have it, but I must've had so for years at this point, yet the last two days have been terrible. Like, wake 5-6 times, sleep 3 mins at a time. Apnea won't wake me from that, so I wonder if it's either my cat or just mental noise keeping me up. I did dream I had a boring qt gf, yet waking up I didn't miss it. Like "thank god I don't have to care for another person's feelings", even though I feel more primed than ever to introduce such a figure into my life. I've tried dating apps with luck a few times, but it always just fade out when I realize I'm too socially competent to deal with chicks who don't know what they want, already have kids or aren't actually looking to get into something.
This may sound incredibly fucked, but my greatest joy in life is probably pizza. Some people work out for women, others to get strong, I work out so I can eat pizza without getting fat. No matter how depressed I'll ever get, I have to live to eat pizza once more.
I've eaten out alone several times before. Gone to the movies too. I remember back in season 1 of Boku no Hero, I'd order a pizza every friday evening and watch the anime in full screen. It was a highlight of my week. Often I tell myself that if I skip drinking I can reward myself with pizza, but then they deliver it cold or I eat it in 10 mins and I lose interest in the idea.
I just want to experience life. This ain't it.
What is 'life'? I saw a guy vlog his biking from Europe through fucking Afghanistan or something. Somewhere in east europe he'd meet a guy who had nothing to his name but €10 rolled up in an empty cig box, but he was western and educated. He chose to do that with no phone. Then there's travelling 2 times a year to exotic countries, meeting people who'll ultimately remind you that Place, Japan is only this magical because it's summer and you're a tourist, not a suicidal salaryman. Or getting kids at 19 and growing up alongside them. It sounds cliche, retarded and boomer-coded but really, what is 'life'? A coworker of mine is out being a volunteer in her local community 3 times a week. It sounds exhausting and as life-draining as posting on here all day.
Life is a mindset; your wife and future friend group could be 500 feet over and you'll be busy chasing it in Italy instead. "Oh to be an italian, living and working in.. Venice.. A city that wouldn't survive without the tourism that ruins it". The funny thing is that like those who're suicidal (yet not enough to max a bunch of loans and go out with a bang in Beijing), I don't entertain 'stooping' to do something about it. Try a new club every week, take some serious pictures for dating apps, put in some effort. Nah it's all half-assed. "Well dating apps suck", "there's no good sports clubs". I could drive 35 mins to the capital for a somewhat thriving yet indie (and female populated) fighting game scene here. Have I done it once? Hell no.
I always found advice like this really weird. I want friends and a gf who like me for who I am, not to pull some weird stuff like MAAAD and go fuck hookers to get my rocks off. I find the thought of traveling to "party" utterly repulsive. I don't want to do hos and drugs, I want someone to watch anime with and rant about my diy woodworking hobbies and other stupid nerdy stuff.
When nobody ever left their town, they only had a limited set of options. That's why Stacy got with Frank the dweeb. Now, you got kissless women passing up on an equal male because "in theory, I could land a 9 on Tinder". Either that or they seek complete mimicry. "Oh I like this and that so I need someone who does that too", but if those hobbies include anime, gaming, or anything remotely of the kind, you'll never have a moment alone with her cause she'll have 20 dudes in her Discord DMs trying to upstage you. Get me an autistic, boring looking brunette who's afraid of socializing that rushes home after work to play her 505th hour of some historical game from the 10s and I'll go find a ring.
