How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[WASR96]

But if there's a chance for a good outcome, than the only way to seize it is to keep trying, if you give up you lose by default. So the only reasonable thing to do is keep trying and never completely give up.

This is good advice. I'm very happy overall with what I've been able to accomplish, but my greater accomplishments and good jobs didn't even come until my very late 20s/early 30s. Never too late to grab the reins and redirect your course to try to get to where you want to go. I found schooling and learning a completely new job was easier as an adult since I had a baseline for what everything would look like, and I had a motivator in the sense that I didn't want to return to my previous work to motivate me to push harder. If any of you want to do school and you're fearful because you're older; don't be. Do night classes if possible. It will be full of others like you who just want to get through and get done who have other things to do during the day, and you don't have to put up with the fresh out of high school kids, which is what made me take a long break from school in my mid-20s.

 

[AnOminous]

Had the usual Christmas dinner we always have the weekend after the holiday, as is the family tradition. Literally everyone went into a rampage on [random boyfriend of a relative who has disgusted the entire family] who wasn't there (and shouldn't have been because he is indeed a massive fuckup) and realized every single criticism was completely applicable to me too.

 

[Spilled Spaghett]

As long as you live, there may be a chance for something good to happen. If you're not alive, then there's certainly no chance. It comes down to Null's rant about optimism / pessimism and such. I forgot what stream it was from and I don't think I have a clip saved, but it comes down to something like this: if there's no chance for a good outcome, it doesn't matter if you keep trying or give up. But if there's a chance for a good outcome, than the only way to seize it is to keep trying, if you give up you lose by default. So the only reasonable thing to do is keep trying and never completely give up.

Null says this on several podcasts but Null also believes that depression doesn't exist, is entirely a choice that people make, and cannot be caused by observable medical issues. At least from my perspective, while this is good advice, and I understand what it's trying to say, I don't think it takes into account the toll of continued suffering. Is the juice worth the squeeze? Sure, I could keep going, and maybe I'll grow old, and when I'm 60 eventually something will happen in life that miraculously makes me happy and fixes everything. But is it worth suffering for that long to maybe get a few good years right before you croak? How many times do you need to get burned by a hot stove before you decide it's only hurting you more to keep trying and failing? I guess that's really more of a personal decision and just how bad you have it. What are you willing to tolerate for even one day of happiness?

I'm not counting on a savior. Me personally my brain tells me what I truly want is to be a father. I visit my brother and he has three kids. The way I see his little girl light up and run when daddy's home makes me wish I had someone other than my dog who was ever that happy to see me. I don't think I could be a father. Not the way I am. I can't offer the stability a family would need. I could never teach another person how to grow up into a fully developed adult when I've never figured it out myself. As far as I can tell there is no chance. I don't see how waiting day after day is going to lead to anything new. Something has to change, but I feel like I've tried everything I can think of and it hasn't resulted in any positive growth. I've been on every medication the doctors can offer, I've gone to therapy for many years. I've cleaned my room, I've tried new hobbies and yet I haven't made progress.

I don't like being a Debby Downer but it does get a bit grating to hear from people like Null just cheer up, or choose to be happy, as if I haven't been trying.

 

[starborn427614]

Christmas was good this year, but I will most certainly be paying for my food crimes in January.

 

[Foxymophandlemama]

The heatwave is making me feel ill for the past couple of days. I don't feel hungry, then I get dizzy and when I do eat I get nauseated, I don't really do well in high temperatures, but I'm doing my best to stay hydrated. My fan is turned on almost 24/7 and I can't afford an AC yet.

 

[Bothriolepis]

When abuse starts, love ends. I appreciate that you can be so supportive of your wife.

I've had to learn the hard way that love and abuse can't coexist, unfortunately. Not trying to be dramatic or anything, but I don't know that I really even understood what real romantic love was for most of my adult life. I just wanted someone to validate my existence and to fill the void in my soul by giving my life meaning/structure, so I took whatever horrible substitute for love I could get, and poisoned any potentially healthy relationships I got into.

Just a few years ago, I would never have thought I could be the sort of man my wife deserves. I still don't all the time, but she seems very happy with me most of the time, so I think I'm probably doing things right for once in my life.

 

[Banquet Meal]

Yeah. I feel bad but I had to have my Dad drive me there yesterday and my Mom picked me up today. I can't feel my feet and need help getting around at the moment which sucks. My brother is staying at my house with me during the holidays, so he's able to help me with getting stuff at the moment.

Yeah I'm definitely becoming more irritated at how I can't just get a week off from this shit.

im so sorry you had a bad time over christmas, i was looking on here to see how everything went. that just sucks. i hope you can get some sort of break from all of this, even for a little while.

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

Hell of a year, I'll say that much.

 

[AnOminous]

Null says this on several podcasts but Null also believes that depression doesn't exist, is entirely a choice that people make, and cannot be caused by observable medical issues.

He's totally wrong, he's fucking retarded. He may be right on 70% or so of cases, but he's totally retarded on the other 30%. Clinical depression is a thing, it just doesn't apply to most people.

 

[Lip Glossary]

I don't want to drink alcohol anymore. Jesus Christ I have gone to 3 different Christmas parties where people were drinking their asses off.
Looking forward to taking a break from the alcohol and dropping some weight this year.

 

[Bothriolepis]

I don't want to drink alcohol anymore. Jesus Christ I have gone to 3 different Christmas parties where people were drinking their asses off.

God, I decided to drink for the first time in awhile last night, and after just 3 or 4 drinks I still woke up with a hangover. I can't imagine if I tried to pull off the shit today that I did all the time back when I was in grad school. I'd probably be bedbound for a day or two if I drank what I did on an average weekend in 2015.

Not that I'm complaining too much. It's good to be kept from doing anything like that before it becomes unsustainable and self-destructive. I'll be damned if it's not a reminder of how old I'm getting, though.

 

[long waters]

But is it worth suffering for that long to maybe get a few good years right before you croak?

No idea, but I think the only way to find out is to get there. Only then will you be able to say "yeah this was worth it" or "nah this sucked". Either way, only one who can answer it is yourself.

I don't like being a Debby Downer but it does get a bit grating to hear from people like Null just cheer up, or choose to be happy, as if I haven't been trying.

I think I get ya, I mean, I've been failing at a lot of things for most of my life, but I'll keep on keeping on.

 

[WASR96]

im so sorry you had a bad time over christmas, i was looking on here to see how everything went. that just sucks. i hope you can get some sort of break from all of this, even for a little while.

Thanks. I just hate how I haven't been able to catch a break at all. It's just new symptoms the next week after we finish figuring out what was causing the current set. My legs have gone completely jelley on me. Not sure how it was able to spread to my spine to start compressing nerves so fast. I hate having to burden my family by having them help me get around. Hospice team brought me a walker and a wheelchair, but it's still a massive pain to move to either of them onto a couch or my bed. I'm just hoping the radiation catches up quickly while my brother is still down here, I wanted to be able to do things with him instead of him having to help move my useless carcass around the house. Not much of a holiday break.

 

[Lip Glossary]

God, I decided to drink for the first time in awhile last night, and after just 3 or 4 drinks I still woke up with a hangover. I can't imagine if I tried to pull off the shit today that I did all the time back when I was in grad school. I'd probably be bedbound for a day or two if I drank what I did on an average weekend in 2015.

Not that I'm complaining too much. It's good to be kept from doing anything like that before it becomes unsustainable and self-destructive. I'll be damned if it's not a reminder of how old I'm getting, though.

I have gone to three different Christmas parties in one week, and two of them were with my girlfriend's friends so it was with a bunch of cops trying to drink everyone else under the table. Of course I felt the need to participate like a stupid fucking wally, and I ended up having so many rum and cokes that if I even smelled just a regular coke right now I would probably throw up.

He's totally wrong, he's fucking retarded. He may be right on 70% or so of cases, but he's totally retarded on the other 30%. Clinical depression is a thing, it just doesn't apply to most people.

"You don't KNOW the history of psychiatry. I do. Ominous, ominous, ominous... you're GLIB."

 

[Rome's rightful successor]

Went bowling with my mom earlier today. Haven't done that in years. Was pretty fun, however I got sick afterward and probably have the flu.

 

[The Feline Solution 2]

I still get bouts of anxiety, but it's such a huge difference knowing now it's always just a phase and my default state is actually 'meh, I'll be fine'.

I just became so jaded over the last ~5 years that my mental health shit just doesn't seem to matter or weigh on me that heavy anymore. I don't even really get anxious anymore, a thing i struggled with hard in the long past. Not even the block schizo making his rounds at 4:30AM and is sitting in my stairwell right now, muttering and shouting nonsense, is bothering me as much as he should. I put my headphones in and continue watching my show, fuck him.

Feeling like shit right now and on edge. I'm in the middle of investigating a shitty tenant in my apartment who tried acting ghetto on me and making threats. I need to figure out what room he's in on the floor I'm on and get an idea of what he looks like. Just an absolute shit-head who got offended because I wanted to tell an asshole to stop running loudly up and down the hallway that I can hear. Soon as I was about to, his ass was right there hollering at me about lecturing his kids. Then he went on to demand I come outside and confront him, shouting 'nigga' and all that trash.

Then I got to go into work and possibly confront management who's going to be unhappy with me about a shit job I did yesterday post-xmas. I was really burned out and I didn't intend to do badly on purpose, but I work for ungrateful people and I always believe that they're looking for reasons to fire me.

So yeah, feeling wonderful...

Man, fuck neighbours. Just fuck 'em. That is indeed one of the things i am still getting stressed out by often and sometimes heavily these days. I often fantasize coming home and finding my hood looking like the aftermath of the Oklahoma City Bombing, knowing everyone in this house is dead. It would feel so good. Wouldn't even be mad that i'm homeless in that moment. It's ridiculous how often the police is in my house and it's always this fucking house and not another one in this street. I always say this house is cursed because it's built on an old jewish cemetary (i'm german, so we lack the injuns for it to be built on an ancient injun burial ground and be cursed by that).

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

Thanks. I just hate how I haven't been able to catch a break at all. It's just new symptoms the next week after we finish figuring out what was causing the current set. My legs have gone completely jelley on me. Not sure how it was able to spread to my spine to start compressing nerves so fast. I hate having to burden my family by having them help me get around. Hospice team brought me a walker and a wheelchair, but it's still a massive pain to move to either of them onto a couch or my bed. I'm just hoping the radiation catches up quickly while my brother is still down here, I wanted to be able to do things with him instead of him having to help move my useless carcass around the house. Not much of a holiday break.

Giving people you love your time is a blessing, not a burden.
Time is finite, and precious. We have only so much of it. Once spent, it's gone forever.
Pain deferred is pain paid in triplicate.
You are not a burden.

 

[Brenda Holiday]

1. Recently I've started to get close to full on panic attacks, something I've not had much experience with and isn't a normal part of my usual anxiety. No idea why, no obvious trigger that would cause it besides stuff that already made me anxious. I don't know what to do. It's terrifying when this happens while driving.
2. I'm coming to the realization that I've been deeply depressed since my mom died, but not the usual depressed, where you feel numb and joyless. I can feel happy but my motivation, the drive to better myself, and my interests have been dead and I've been simply existing, living life day by day with no real plan for the future. I don't know where to go from here but at least I'm aware of it now.

 

[WhatInTheActualFuck]

It feels weird and oddly out of place to say it here but I'm well in all ways that one would actually care about. Single still after the last go around, but not mad about it and mostly either just doing my own thing or trying to help out friends and family. I actually feel a bit guilty and/or weird perusing this thread because I can't relate to a lot of it.

As someone with a solid half-century under his belt, I can say that time does in fact heal wounds and that it's really worth playing the long game.

 

[Cups2Cups]

I am angry about a lot of things. I don't feel I can change these things, which feed into the anger. I did what was asked of me and I stopped drinking, went to therapy-- but what was the endgoal? I am back where I started.