I can't focus at all and my thoughts keep drifting towards spiralling. My therapist sent me a podcast episode about hobbies/keeping yourself busy with things that fulfil our base needs (cooking, crafting, hobbies with your hands) that I've been meaning to listen to, but I just can't focus on it.
I want to play WoW, I want to log back onto reddit, I want to boot up discord and chat with my online acquaintances, but there's a voice of anxiety and guilt in the back of my head. That if I log in to reddit, I'll see DMs from a friend/long distance boyfriend (I'm not even certain we were anything close to paramours) who got extremely upset with me for taking a break from discord, lashing out at me and possibly threatening self-harm because he's in a bad spot in his own life. I don't think I can handle facing the consequences of our last conversation and my deliberate distancing to every way of talking to me.
Discord itself is another can of worms in general. I know I will spiral into anger and frustration over stupid things like politics and the trend of fearmongering online, because some of my acquaintances are deeply mentally ill and suffer from severe TDS/Rowling derangement syndrome/terminally online flavours of brainrot. Taking a step away from servers full of trannies and radical leftie brainrot has been a boon for me in the long run, but I haven't had any conversations with anyone online except for here on the farms since mid October. I miss the idle chatter, the banter, the memes and feeling like a part of a group. I don't miss the rest. My brain tells me that it's 70% suffering and 30% enjoyment, being on discord and having online relationships.
If I go for a walk with my dog, I'd be afraid of breaking down and crying because everything feels so overwhelming. If I call my mother, I will break down and cry, on top of feeling like a burden on my ageing parents who aren't able to help me in any capacity because it's 5PM on a sunday. I genuinely don't see myself as being poorly enough to warrant calling any medical professionals, both because I don't want to experience rejection because I'm not suicidal or a threat to anyone.
So what can I do, besides going for a nap to let the unrest in my head settle.
I'm physically fine. I'm a -2 on a scale from -10 to 10, I'm just hysterical. But I cannot break this self-reinforcing state of mind. The things I know that will help require that I can focus for more than 30 seconds.