How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Oh my god there's so much tolberone. I don't know how this Christmas tradition started but we all give each other tolberone and pretend it's a big surprise despite the triangular box being obviously tolberone, I got like three really big things of tolberone and my partner hasn't even bothered unwrapping his because the ribbon is fancy.
 
Oh my god there's so much tolberone. I don't know how this Christmas tradition started but we all give each other tolberone and pretend it's a big surprise despite the triangular box being obviously tolberone, I got like three really big things of tolberone and my partner hasn't even bothered unwrapping his because the ribbon is fancy.
I hope that you aren't actually mad about this. Toblerone kinda fucks
 
I hope that you aren't actually mad about this. Toblerone kinda fucks
It is awesome chocolate, except I have a cold and poor appetite and after new years I'm going on a diet and it's just too much chocolate.
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I rescued a coydog on the side of the street some years ago and she just succumbed to heart worms. I am so fucking devastated
 
1. Recently I've started to get close to full on panic attacks, something I've not had much experience with and isn't a normal part of my usual anxiety. No idea why, no obvious trigger that would cause it besides stuff that already made me anxious. I don't know what to do. It's terrifying when this happens while driving.
2. I'm coming to the realization that I've been deeply depressed since my mom died, but not the usual depressed, where you feel numb and joyless. I can feel happy but my motivation, the drive to better myself, and my interests have been dead and I've been simply existing, living life day by day with no real plan for the future. I don't know where to go from here but at least I'm aware of it now.
You had a baby recently right? Unless I’m mixing you up with another kiwi. Postpartum hormones do all kinds of crazy shit to your mental health.

When I was postpartum I got panic attacks near constantly for absolutely zero reason. Had to cut caffeine entirely (including chocolate). That only did so much. The thing that help me the most was losing the baby weight- not sure how that works but it helped a lot. Was a bitch and a half to accomplish though.

I’m so sorry about your mom. Grief on top of hormones is gasoline on a fire
 
Partner finally bit the bullet and is starting to learn CAD, being stuck in special ED has really drained him and this past 6 month he just hasn't been very happy. I've seen some of the most energy from him these past few days and I feel like he may finally be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. It takes him a very long time to pack it in with a job and just move on but it seems it finally happened so I'm pretty happy with life right now.
 
I hate having to burden my family
You aren’t a burden. If someone I loved was in a similar position I’d do anything I could and be glad to do it. It’s not a burden, it’s part of life. Just like sitting up half the night Christmas night with a kid puking because he had too much fizzy pop isn’t a burden - it’s what we do for those we love. Let them care for you.
 
It's only 8AM and I am annoyed

Dad gets fixated on objects, which is not unheard of for a man with dementia, but the objects he fixates on are usually belong to either myself or my husband.
I am slowly working on a multi sudoku puzzle because with current stresses it's something which I can focus on but I can't put it down anywhere, dad keeps trying to throw it out.

This morning I walked into the kitchen and the sink is full of pots which I guess it's supposed to be something I'm supposed to pick up. I don't really have time to do more cleaning but no matter its what I do.
I always leave the kitchen spotless and I come back to a complete fucking mess, it happened at least twice yesterday. I guess having time for Sudoku is frivolous, I should just do more dishes.

I can be reasonable and I try to be but then when dad doesn't get his way he gets vengeful and I end up with the contains of a juice box down the back of my shirt.

Husband fought with me a lot yesterday and he said that it was reasonable. We were getting ready to walk my dog and I had put my bag of treats down for a second so that I could put on my jacket. Apparently I needed a lesson to not put the bags of treats down on the boot box because he went to look for something and almost spilled them.

I told him that the lesson should be that he should be more aware of objects and not to do things in a hurry and then ended up with a fight the neighbours saw. The other day I was feeling sad and for the first time in decades I self harmed. I wanted husband to see how much it hurt but in our fight yesterday he used it against me again. I have just given him more ammo.

Some of our neighbours have decided that I am super scary (a witch or a satanist, I wish I was joking.) Last night we went to a small park and two specific people left immediately while looking over their shoulder to make sure that I hadn't floated behind him. For a while they tried to deter me from the park by making super passive aggressive jokes about being a bad egg, now they just run. I haven't had any bad interactions with them, although I did try polite conversation. Ah well, it's funny.
I better not make a spell where they trip on the ice.
 
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My head is fucking killing me. Had a drink yesterday despite the pain meds (i think i mentioned before what a smart man i am) and this shit really doesn't go well together. Wasn't even that drunk yesterday. Took my first dose of pain killers now, weird how they work for the back pain but seemingly do fuck all for the headache.
Null says this on several podcasts but Null also believes that depression doesn't exist, is entirely a choice that people make, and cannot be caused by observable medical issues.
I am not really a Null hater but stuff like this irks me, dude says a lot of shit on topics he is not qualified to speak on. Many of the Null dicklickers also do not realize that they're taking advice or agree with on stuff a 30 year old, maidenless dude with virtually no real life experience brings up. Null sometimes displays tendencies these very same people would crucify other cows for. Null hating relentlessly on the A&H crowd while his Twitter looks like Stormfront lite more often than not is another contradiction that bothers me.
Oh my god there's so much tolberone. I don't know how this Christmas tradition started but we all give each other tolberone and pretend it's a big surprise despite the triangular box being obviously tolberone, I got like three really big things of tolberone and my partner hasn't even bothered unwrapping his because the ribbon is fancy.
I never managed to eat that without it hurting the inside of my mouth :story: It tastes fine but the swiss put something in there that makes the chocolate extra firm.
 
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Every time I drive home for xmas, it's like a different world. A world where I grew up, know the people and the locations, experienced life, went to school. I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like living and working as an adult in that mindset. I moved 2 hours away to study and work; it's all I know out here on my own. Knowing that the people around me live in such a world almost makes me mad. I could move back home but it's such a hole. I guess the intended path was to make a 'hometown' of my own down here with a hoe and kids, but alas.

This is good advice. I'm very happy overall with what I've been able to accomplish, but my greater accomplishments and good jobs didn't even come until my very late 20s/early 30s
The concept of time to younguns is so funny. You learned -everything- in life from age 1 to 30. You now got all of that already settled in you for an upcoming period of time that is equally long. You could put 5 years into a master's degree. It's five fucking years of the next 30-40 you'll be working. Shit, a profession is 2 years and most pay you during. If not the fact no job is in demand and Indians are taking what few jobs are left, it'd be the easiest fucking choice on earth. "I don't enjoy my profession", get a new one?

Giving people you love your time is a blessing, not a burden.
Time is finite, and precious. We have only so much of it. Once spent, it's gone forever.
The thought we got a finite amount of work hours in our life really stressed me out in regards to being paid too little. It's not that you get paid too little, it's that you got a set amount of hours that don't get rewarded as well as they could. Like duh, that's how life works, but it still baffles me. Yet, outside of work, time is all I have. I don't have talents or competences, so I always put in the hours instead. These days however people don't actually want to be given time. Set to offline, invisible, never replying. Online messaging has become pen-palling with 5 days between replies.
 
It's really fucking hot lately. Damn. But I'm feeling better from my flu. Amazingly, it has been good to disconnect a bit these last few days, and not care what lolcows think.
 
I am not really a Null hater but stuff like this irks me, dude says a lot of shit on topics he is not qualified to speak on. Many of the Null dicklickers also do not realize that they're taking advice or agree with on stuff a 30 year old, maidenless dude with virtually no real life experience brings up. Null sometimes displays tendencies these very same people would crucify other cows for. Null hating relentlessly on the A&H crowd while his Twitter looks like Stormfront lite more often than not is another contradiction that bothers me.
Kind of agree, but that's part of the reason why I like listening to MATI. His flaws make him more relatable to me. But I wouldn't say he has no real life experience. At the very least, he's travelled a lot, lived in other countries, and he's charismatic enough to have thousands of people listen to his yapping on stream. I'm older than him and have done almost nothing with my life other than work, then work on various foss/gaming related hobby stuff, and consoom media. So I disagree because if Null has no life experience, then what would that make me lmao.
The thought we got a finite amount of work hours in our life really stressed me out in regards to being paid too little. It's not that you get paid too little, it's that you got a set amount of hours that don't get rewarded as well as they could. Like duh, that's how life works, but it still baffles me. Yet, outside of work, time is all I have. I don't have talents or competences, so I always put in the hours instead. These days however people don't actually want to be given time. Set to offline, invisible, never replying. Online messaging has become pen-palling with 5 days between replies.
Definitely agree with this... Despite having been terminally online for a big part of my life, I still find online messaging weird and awkward. And I can't wrap my head around the notion of "online dating". What a weird time to be alive, although interesting in a lot of ways.
 
You had a baby recently right? Unless I’m mixing you up with another kiwi. Postpartum hormones do all kinds of crazy shit to your mental health.

When I was postpartum I got panic attacks near constantly for absolutely zero reason. Had to cut caffeine entirely (including chocolate). That only did so much. The thing that help me the most was losing the baby weight- not sure how that works but it helped a lot. Was a bitch and a half to accomplish though.

I’m so sorry about your mom. Grief on top of hormones is gasoline on a fire
That didn't even occur to me as a possible cause... but it makes sense. That makes me feel a bit better in a weird way, thanks.
 
Could very well be that i am underestimating Null and just don't like his hardcore fanboys. Luckily they mostly congregate in threads i check maybe once in a blue moon.
Online messaging has become pen-palling with 5 days between replies.
While i realize i am part of the problem because i do it, too, regarding Whatsapp messages this shit still drives me up the wall. Even my grandma does it, sometimes i just want to shout "ARE YOU GUYS FUCKING WITH ME?!" at friends and family. Yeah, does me a whole lot of good you sending "Can't make it" a week after i asked group "Anyone wanna go to XYZ with me tonight?". Fucking bums.
 
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We usually celebrate The New Year (Eastern European counterpart to "Winter Holidays" but with a longer history) instead of Christmas. The New Year is coming and I don't feel like that at all and I don't know what to do.
 
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I can't focus at all and my thoughts keep drifting towards spiralling. My therapist sent me a podcast episode about hobbies/keeping yourself busy with things that fulfil our base needs (cooking, crafting, hobbies with your hands) that I've been meaning to listen to, but I just can't focus on it.
I want to play WoW, I want to log back onto reddit, I want to boot up discord and chat with my online acquaintances, but there's a voice of anxiety and guilt in the back of my head. That if I log in to reddit, I'll see DMs from a friend/long distance boyfriend (I'm not even certain we were anything close to paramours) who got extremely upset with me for taking a break from discord, lashing out at me and possibly threatening self-harm because he's in a bad spot in his own life. I don't think I can handle facing the consequences of our last conversation and my deliberate distancing to every way of talking to me.
Discord itself is another can of worms in general. I know I will spiral into anger and frustration over stupid things like politics and the trend of fearmongering online, because some of my acquaintances are deeply mentally ill and suffer from severe TDS/Rowling derangement syndrome/terminally online flavours of brainrot. Taking a step away from servers full of trannies and radical leftie brainrot has been a boon for me in the long run, but I haven't had any conversations with anyone online except for here on the farms since mid October. I miss the idle chatter, the banter, the memes and feeling like a part of a group. I don't miss the rest. My brain tells me that it's 70% suffering and 30% enjoyment, being on discord and having online relationships.

If I go for a walk with my dog, I'd be afraid of breaking down and crying because everything feels so overwhelming. If I call my mother, I will break down and cry, on top of feeling like a burden on my ageing parents who aren't able to help me in any capacity because it's 5PM on a sunday. I genuinely don't see myself as being poorly enough to warrant calling any medical professionals, both because I don't want to experience rejection because I'm not suicidal or a threat to anyone.
So what can I do, besides going for a nap to let the unrest in my head settle.

I'm physically fine. I'm a -2 on a scale from -10 to 10, I'm just hysterical. But I cannot break this self-reinforcing state of mind. The things I know that will help require that I can focus for more than 30 seconds.
 
I've seen too many people on here who clearly just need some pressure free conversation, its a shame every and all discord servers break down into gooner tribalism though.
 
I want to play WoW, I want to log back onto reddit, I want to boot up discord [...] My brain tells me that it's 70% suffering and 30% enjoyment, being on discord and having online relationships.
Sounds like you need some irl friends to hang out with and chat with and you're using WoW/Reddit/Discord as a kind of cope for the lack of? But this might just be me projecting because that's literally what I do.
 
I've seen too many people on here who clearly just need some pressure free conversation, its a shame every and all discord servers break down into gooner tribalism though.
Web 1.0 forums where so great for that, you had people who shared an interest with you, absolutely no politics whatsoever because nobody except boomers (who weren't online in the pre-Social Media age) talked about politics, the tone was much more normal and way less generally aggressive than virtually anywhere online these days etc. Most of the time you didn't even know how the dude or girl you conversed with looked (a thing i appreaciate very much here on KF) like, most you got was a first name with a person you were "tight" with and conversed with via PM. Reddit, Discord and Social Media completely destroyed that.
I'm glad i never got into using Discord, completely passed me by because i'm the wrong age group i think, and my reddit time was very short-lived thanks to their ban happy jannies. I started passively using Discord (via browser, never actually got as far as downloading the client even though the browser experience is incredible shit from a design standpoint) more and more in the past couple of years because sometimes it is literally the only place to find stuff about the niche video games i am interested in but even just reading and not interacting with other users shows me that, tonally, the platform is complete bullshit.
 
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