How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[nycifer]

Feeling like shit right now and on edge. I'm in the middle of investigating a shitty tenant in my apartment who tried acting ghetto on me and making threats. I need to figure out what room he's in on the floor I'm on and get an idea of what he looks like. Just an absolute shit-head who got offended because I wanted to tell an asshole to stop running loudly up and down the hallway that I can hear. Soon as I was about to, his ass was right there hollering at me about lecturing his kids. Then he went on to demand I come outside and confront him, shouting 'nigga' and all that trash.

Then I got to go into work and possibly confront management who's going to be unhappy with me about a shit job I did yesterday post-xmas. I was really burned out and I didn't intend to do badly on purpose, but I work for ungrateful people and I always believe that they're looking for reasons to fire me.

So yeah, feeling wonderful...

 

[A Fly on the wall]

I don't usually bitch and moan on kf or anywhere online really but this week has been the biggest heap of bullshit I just had to poost about this. I think besides spending time with my family on Christmas Day this has been my worst week in recent memory.

Firstly my job puts me on for 6 days on Christmas week because some little commie faggot quit on the spot because he got yelled at by the boss one time a week or so ago now so I've had to cover all of his shifts, with a lot of the employees where I work being college students. Since I live local it was down to me to carry the boats and do everyone's hours.

On top of that I have the flu, which makes working these shifts genuine hell, since as mentioned before I'm pretty much the only person behind the bar at every given time so I have to juggle serving cleaning and trying not to choke to death.

Had to work Christmas eve but was promised an early finish since my family always have a little party that evening that everyone goes to, but as I'm about to wrap things up some drunk retard comes in and throws up into the Christmas tree, which me and the manager have to then clean. Takes us a good hour and a half to get rid of the puke and the smell since the tree is pretty big. I end up missing the party

Worked again today. Shift was okay but we had ran out of most of the beers we do since the delivery isn't due till next week which earned me multiple mouthfuls of abuse from the local alcoholics.

Hospitality is the worst because it just makes you miserable in general, especially with how I'm being stretched wider than a white guy in a prison shower. It's genuinely hard to believe I actually liked bar work at one point

 

[McMitch]

I’ve been sick as a dog since the morning of Christmas Eve, going from sandpaper throat to fatigue and aches yesterday to feeling like someone took an axe head across my eyes today. I am, however, incensed at how warm it has been with me being stuck on the couch. I had family offer to come hang out on Christmas, but since they are still having their own get together with the very people who deigned I should be alone on Christmas I wasn’t exactly inclined towards their offer. So it’s just been the dog and myself for the last three days.

 

[Betonhaus]

I self pasteurized last night so I thought I was over my cold this morning only for it to rapidly get worse throughout the day and my fever returned. I doubt I'll be driving to Edmonton tomorrow to see my sister, especially with a blizzard going on.

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

we're all sick bastards in this thread aren't we
I think we all gave each other a Kiwi brand of covid

p.s got sicker and I don't know when I'm traveling back home fuckin aaaaaa

 

[Super Guido]

I burned my left thumb, because I'm a retard and forgot to put the oven glove on when I touched the hot pan.

 

[Pattern Juggler]

I'm not "cured" and I still get pretty stressed out by certain situations or anticipating those situations but so far I'm finding it a lot easier to relax my mind and get stuff I want to do done. I've gone from "everything is too hard and I can't deal" to "many things are difficult but I should be able to manage".

I still get bouts of anxiety, but it's such a huge difference knowing now it's always just a phase and my default state is actually 'meh, I'll be fine'.

 

[Otterly]

Yeah I'm definitely becoming more irritated at how I can't just get a week off from this shit.

You’re allowed to be. I’d be furious. Glad someone is with you, I hope they’re looking after you and I hope you let yourself be looked after. You’re in my prayers too, for whatever it’s worth.

 

[Cherry Milk]

Realised that I'm over halfway through my life and that the things I've always dreamt of doing won't ever happen.
Shit sucks.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

I don't use dating apps, but at my wits end, bored to death listening to xmas politics, I browsed a bit. I swear they keep pushing this chick a coworker tried setting me up with, who despite based Morrowind and SWEU opinions turned out to be a feminazi with a questionably romantic interest in her brother. It's funny seeing the same faces on these apps as 5 years ago, unable to find the theoretical Chad worthy of their dried-up eggs.

I don't yearn for companionship but it's an easy way to introduce a lot of new things to your life. I guess that's why women get addicted to bouncing between dicks rather than building the foundation they desire for themselves. It must be tiring jumping between men out of desperation instead of being aight alone. Like waiting to get fired before finding a new job, every time.

I still get bouts of anxiety, but it's such a huge difference knowing now it's always just a phase and my default state is actually 'meh, I'll be fine'.

At one point, briefly, I got straight up panic attacks from coffee. Rather than going from my head to body, it was the reverse, so I just sat there shaking wondering what was going on. Then when I learned it was the caffeine, I just sat there "dawg, calm down" to my body. Very odd sensation, knowing what it is but unable to affect it.

Hospitality is the worst because it just makes you miserable in general, especially with how I'm being stretched wider than a white guy in a prison shower.

Especially during xmas we got a -lot- of hotel shows about xmas preparations etc. It seems really interesting but in reality, the only ones who are paid well for their lowly performance are managers and coordinators. Chefs? Fuck all. Hotel owner? Doesn't even partake. It's all on the ego of the chef and the entitlement of the 60 year old superior who'd sooner kill her grandkids than quit.

 

[The Repeated Meme]

I'm in so much pain right now. I'm so sad I'm fucking bawling. Please send me something funny or cute in dms to help cheer me up.

Update on this: thank you everyone so much for the kind words of support and funny and cute memes. You truly are the salt of the earth.


I feel marginally less like shit now. However, I have a new problem :

- prolonged fasts
- no appetite
- noticeably diminished mental capacity
- literally off my meds and online.
- little to no actual rem sleep
All the red flags are flying at this leading to another psychotic break. However there are a few key differences. For one. I went off my meds the correct way, not just suddenly stop taking them.

For 2, I'm not spiraling, although I'm not feeling great, I don't feel like I'm losing my tether to reality.

And for 3, having the sense to reach out rather than try to do everything myself. A good support system really helps. It's really a shock to have the walls come down all at once but I'm handling it.

 

[TotalNematodeDeath]

Update on this: thank you everyone so much for the kind words of support and funny and cute memes. You truly are the salt of the earth.


I feel marginally less like shit now. However, I have a new problem :

- prolonged fasts
- no appetite
- noticeably diminished mental capacity
- literally off my meds and online.
- little to no actual rem sleep
All the red flags are flying at this leading to another psychotic break. However there are a few key differences. For one. I went off my meds the correct way, not just suddenly stop taking them.

For 2, I'm not spiraling, although I'm not feeling great, I don't feel like I'm losing my tether to reality.

And for 3, having the sense to reach out rather than try to do everything myself. A good support system really helps. It's really a shock to have the walls come down all at once but I'm handling it.

That's very nice to hear, that support system is always so very important when dealing with this type of shit. Maybe its not what you want to hear per say but it sounds like you're healthier and in a better place to deal with these issues now than you once were. Even if it sucks there is always that silver lining of knowing you are better equipped than you once were.

 

[PetiteFeet]

Woke up, got dressed and fed my dog, then took a long walk to the forest while listening to my comfort podcast.
Came back home, put over some ride pudding in my instant pot and took a shower.
Now I'm just relaxing, deciding whether I want to take a nap or not. Mildly afraid I'd fuck my already fucked sleeping schedule even harder. Also of half a mind to say "fuck it", drink a Monster and take a full 24 hour awake cycle to reset my sleep. I have three weeks to fix it and attempt to get a healthier awake cycle during daylight, I should actually just go sleep for 30 minutes and then get on with some of the chores I need to finish while I still have any 2025 left.

 

[Motherf*cker]

Can you get HRT? They’ve changed the guidance recently in the light of better data that seems to show that there’s only a very tiny risk of clots with the transdermal oestrogen (way less than being overweight for example)

I am thinking about it, but first I am going to try black cohosh for the symptoms.


Husband needs to stop being abusive, and picking fights with me and then gaslighting me and yielding perimenopause in my face like a weapon and saying things like that I'm only fighting with him because I have menopause.
This morning was fine, I happily grooved to Vamgelis while doing all the chores in the kitchen which have been left up to me. That does sound passive aggressive but my Mom is very selfish and leaves all her dishes up to a man with dementia who has decided not to do them anymore and husband won't do them because chores have a hierarchy and it's not his. I can't fight about it because I do not blame my father, and my mom is too self-centered to care, so humming away and making myself breakfast I did chores for an hour.
I am not a NEET I own a house but I am my dad's caregiver and we have moved back in so that dad doesn't die from neglect.

Does my husband really think that I am in denial when I have apologized because I knew I was being irrational and that there was a reason. Two nights ago I had a hot flash in bed and then was unable to sleep from 4am onwards. I didn't tell him because I know that at some point it will be thrown back at me which is shitty.
I am dealing with so much grief and he will never fathom it. I am grieving because doctors had ignored my endometriosis until I gave up and had a hysterectomy.l
(I still have an ovary, and that is why I am experiencing this so early) and they had left it so long that I would probably have not been able to naturally conceive anyways.
I will never see my child's face on Christmas, I will never have that experience and it's a deep wound. I am grieving for my dad who is almost child like and it's like living with a ghost who has told me that he hates me recounting a few happy moments because he can't remember.

Husband wants a pharmacological solution ASAP because giving me a hug and telling me that its OK is too much so I feel like he's telling me to shut the fuck up and internalize it.
I use to internalize everything but he told me that it was OK to share with him because he is my husband and I agreed with him but now I am either being told that I'm too angry because I am being emotionally stonewalled by both my mother and my husband or not expressive enough.
In the past I have told mother about what goes on and then she gaslights me by forgiving all her previous failings and takes his side. That is the point mother, you have always taken an indifference to my abusers and gave them a pass and then tell me that you have always stood up for me. No, you haven't, nor will you.

edit: I love that husband came in to solemnly tell me about mom's insomnia like it was a serious illness. Why the fuck should I care, I have insomnia every other night and when I bring it up, the subject gets changed immediately like I had said a funny anecdote.
Insomnia for one night, Fuck you, I will pretend to care

 

[Bothriolepis]

Husband needs to stop being abusive, and picking fights with me and then gaslighting me and yielding perimenopause in my face like a weapon and saying things like that I'm only fighting with him because I have menopause.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this My wife had to have a hysterectomy for the same reason, and if it helps at all, I don't think that we've ever had a single argument that I would connect directly to that. Having a husband with literal, diagnosed personality disorder has to be frustrating as hell for her at times even if it's technically in remission at this point, but she's never even blamed that, and there have been times when she would have every right to. Couples disagree at times, and sometimes that can be heated, but you should never have to feel like you can't express that you're struggling in a situation like the one you're dealing with right now.

I have a complicated relationship with my own father because, to be blunt, he could be a bastard when I was growing up. With the condition I have being partially hereditary and him growing up in an abusive household, I feel like I understand some of his behavior now, but it still didn't give him the right to behave like he did. Even with that, though, I love him in my own way and will probably end up being his primary caregiver if anything happens so that he can't provide for himself. I've put him through some shit, too, and I don't harbor any anger toward him now. Watching him deteriorate like that, from the vibrant young man who I grew up with and who instilled in me a lifelong love of the outdoors to a shell of himself, I would need all of the support that I could get, not gaslighting bullshit. Sorry to put that so crudely, but it's grossly unfair toward you.

 

[Motherf*cker]

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this My wife had to have a hysterectomy for the same reason, and if it helps at all, I don't think that we've ever had a single argument that I would connect directly to that. Having a husband with literal, diagnosed personality disorder has to be frustrating as hell for her at times even if it's technically in remission at this point, but she's never even blamed that, and there have been times when she would have every right to. Couples disagree at times, and sometimes that can be heated, but you should never have to feel like you can't express that you're struggling in a situation like the one you're dealing with right now.

I have a complicated relationship with my own father because, to be blunt, he could be a bastard when I was growing up. With the condition I have being partially hereditary and him growing up in an abusive household, I feel like I understand some of his behavior now, but it still didn't give him the right to behave like he did. Even with that, though, I love him in my own way and will probably end up being his primary caregiver if anything happens so that he can't provide for himself. I've put him through some shit, too, and I don't harbor any anger toward him now. Watching him deteriorate like that, from the vibrant young man who I grew up with and who instilled in me a lifelong love of the outdoors to a shell of himself, I would need all of the support that I could get, not gaslighting bullshit. Sorry to put that so crudely, but it's grossly unfair toward you.

Thank you.
Husband is correct in assuming that we both never wanted children, but it doesn't mean that when my one good ovary is giving up the ghost that hormones won't try to play cruel tricks of showing me what could have been.
RIght now I am in the hall of mirrors and all I see are better life alternatives.
[Edited for being long and autistic]
When abuse starts, love ends. I appreciate that you can be so supportive of your wife.

 

[PetiteFeet]

Spiralling a bit before my birthday. I keep grieving my teens and twenties, and the wasted potential that is my entire existence. I'm not gonna claim I was a particularly bright kid, or "gifted" in any sort of way, instead I feel like my flame fizzled out before I could even sprout something resembling skills. I feel utterly, utterly broken and I can't even point at a specific event or trauma that has caused all of this. I just am. not.
The weather is perfectly clear, there's a tinge of frost in the air and the moon is bright and beautiful in its first quarter, hanging over a neighbourhood behind my home. I tried to sit down and take it all in but I couldn't enjoy it for much more than a maximum of 5 minutes, afraid I'd break down in public even though it's 10PM and everyone is inside.
I can't even take comfort in any of my hobbies, anhedonia continues to kick my ass and my attention span is at a minimum, and it has been for quite a while. Whenever I try to pick up a pencil to draw, nothing comes out. Only frustration lives in my head. I don't even want to play my comfort video games, or watch/listen to comfort videos of mine.
2026 can't come fast enough.

 

[Spilled Spaghett]

Spiralling a bit before my birthday. I keep grieving my teens and twenties, and the wasted potential that is my entire existence. I'm not gonna claim I was a particularly bright kid, or "gifted" in any sort of way, instead I feel like my flame fizzled out before I could even sprout something resembling skills. I feel utterly, utterly broken and I can't even point at a specific event or trauma that has caused all of this. I just am. not.
The weather is perfectly clear, there's a tinge of frost in the air and the moon is bright and beautiful in its first quarter, hanging over a neighbourhood behind my home. I tried to sit down and take it all in but I couldn't enjoy it for much more than a maximum of 5 minutes, afraid I'd break down in public even though it's 10PM and everyone is inside.
I can't even take comfort in any of my hobbies, anhedonia continues to kick my ass and my attention span is at a minimum, and it has been for quite a while. Whenever I try to pick up a pencil to draw, nothing comes out. Only frustration lives in my head. I don't even want to play my comfort video games, or watch/listen to comfort videos of mine.
2026 can't come fast enough.

I feel like I know this all too well. Part of me wants to believe what I feel is a natural reaction from my brain in living a life completely devoid of meaning, being unable or incapable of producing anything of substance other than hiding away in my bedroom all day, and realizing that everything good in life has past me by and now it's too late to pick up the pieces even if I knew how to. It has just given up and so struggles to find any kind of happiness or joy in anything, which makes even simple tasks and motivation impossible and completing the cycle.

On the other hand I know depression is real. I know that there are real medical explanations for why someone literally cannot feel pleasure or joy. And yet I feel like I can't admit that because it sounds like an excuse. It's easy for me to look at my life and say there's nothing I can do. It's outside my control, and I shouldn't beat myself up over it. My life was never going to turn out well because even if I accomplished all the things in life that I think would make me happy, it never would've worked because of medical condition that can't be cured.

It leaves me questioning what do I even do now? Life is running on fast forward, and year after year is flashing by. What should be goals be? What would actually make me happy? If I can't be happy what should I do? My own life often feels like I don't really exist. I'm just watching a movie to see what happens. I find it difficult to truly feel the moment, to feel like I truly exist in any real sense. Like a ghost who can wander the earth but can never have any real interaction with it. I think that may be part of the problem. You can see pictures of the beach, listen to records of rainfall, but no one would try to claim that's in any way the same as being at the beach or sitting on your porch listening to the rain. And yet even when I am really there it only gives the same sensation as if I were looking at a picture.

 

[PetiteFeet]

It leaves me questioning what do I even do now? Life is running on fast forward, and year after year is flashing by. What should be goals be? What would actually make me happy? If I can't be happy what should I do?

The usual answer to all of these is "find a partner and breed", but I don't want kids and I don't think I could find someone that could stomach all of my BS.
What makes me happy? I used to be able to find joy in so many things, but lately I can't find pleasure in anything for very long. Goals? What goals?

I'm neck-deep in quicksand. I'm drowning on air. Just the other evening I was trying to sing along to a karaoke stream when suddenly, my lungs felt like they were exploding and I couldn't exhale.

I cannot imagine living in this pointless existence. And I mean that literally when I say pointless. I am ignoring the base reason that I am alive and exist, and that is to become a parent and rear children into becoming fully formed human beings. But I am not even a fully formed human being myself.
Would it be a mercy to have me put down like a dog with a brain tumor, or would it be better to keep chugging along, wasting away while I watch my parents age and eventually die, my siblings continuing to grow, my own life like Groundhogs day while my inner monologue is screaming to be granted mercy.

 

[long waters]

I cannot imagine living in this pointless existence. And I mean that literally when I say pointless. I am ignoring the base reason that I am alive and exist, and that is to become a parent and rear children into becoming fully formed human beings.

The point of all life is reproduction, but I think as humans we have even more reason to desire it. As horrifying as modern existence can be, there are still amazingly beautiful things in the world that make one smile and be thankful to have lived. Of course, I want others to enjoy the things I enjoy and having children is an extension of that desire.

But I am not even a fully formed human being myself.

Very relatable, and I fear the number of people who feel this way is ever increasing. Or maybe we're just more aware of it nowadays?

Would it be a mercy to have me put down like a dog with a brain tumor, or would it be better to keep chugging along, wasting away while I watch my parents age and eventually die, my siblings continuing to grow, my own life like Groundhogs day while my inner monologue is screaming to be granted mercy.

As long as you live, there may be a chance for something good to happen. If you're not alive, then there's certainly no chance. It comes down to Null's rant about optimism / pessimism and such. I forgot what stream it was from and I don't think I have a clip saved, but it comes down to something like this: if there's no chance for a good outcome, it doesn't matter if you keep trying or give up. But if there's a chance for a good outcome, than the only way to seize it is to keep trying, if you give up you lose by default. So the only reasonable thing to do is keep trying and never completely give up.

Here are some lame things about my day:
- I dropped my only cutting board and it being some cheap stitched together bamboo thing, a corner just split clean off. Kind of tempted to try fixing it for whatever reason. Ordered some food safe glue but it arrives in 2 weeks, hmm... It's not that bad so I'll just keep using it like it is until then.
- Tried doing barbell squats again after over half a year of not even lifting (still did cardio and lost weight and stuff). Oh boy, I guess I didn't stretch enough because after a few warmup sets my inner thighs were on fire. I stopped soon after, trying again tomorrow lol.