How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[eDove]

It’s ok to feel like this, but if it persists you need some help. Are you ok?

I'm convinced I had postpartum psychosis with my first, who'll be three soon. I ran through the clinical gambit: Meds, voluntary hospitalization, misdiagnosed all the way 'cause honesty only brought trouble. I was a "stressed-out mother" and deprioritized. I never developed that natural, maternal bond with my child either. I didn't even feel like he was mine 'til he was 18 months old or so.

Ridiculously power-levelly, I know, but there isn't enough awareness, so screw it. No one tells you this can happen. Your providers give you very basic screenings for postpartum depression. Women in your family, in the grocery store, tease you about the impending sleepless nights. One fraying thread of rationale is keeping you from doing something irreversible every day. Every hour.

Those moms/grandmas will snicker and nod, say, "oh yeah, I remember those days!" And you stop short of the truth because it'll just upset them pointlessly. No one's going to help you. They're going to hate you. If I didn't cave to an antipsychotic, my baby and I wouldn't be here. My husband might not've either.

Does this stupid malfunction correct itself with time? I don't really know for sure. You become used to the thoughts and urges, and recognize them for what they are. What changes is my son. He's growing into a person independent of me, someone I can have a tangible relationship with. I'm seeing his amazing qualities come to form. This stage is soul-sucking, maddening, but I take comfort in knowing he'll be an adult someday.

Thankfully, this stuff didn't happen with my second child... though I was dangerously deranged during that entire pregnancy, so I made the painful decision to not have anymore kids. It sucks. I can't put my family through that again, even if it's just a 9-month-long stint. Now my son has a little brother who he adores and gets along with. I hope they'll be best friends.

All that being said, the normal experience of motherhood was violently, silently stolen from me by the PPP. It made my flesh-and-blood a stranger, and I'll take that loss to my grave.

 

[Otterly]

All that being said, the normal experience of motherhood was violently, silently stolen from me by the PPP. It made my flesh-and-blood a stranger, and I'll take that loss to my grave.

You are absolutely not alone with this, PPP and PPD are far more common than I think anyone wants to acknowledge. We also live in such an atomised world and having had kids I truly think that the ‘couple plus multiple babies with almost no family around’ is extremely challenging.
In any previous society you’d have had aunts and cousins and siblings all right with you and you’d be able to give them the baby and rest for a hour or two and just have some of the burden taken off you. Now it’s just you, you’re back at work almost immediately in some countries, and your husband is back at work immediately almost all countries. The hormonal drops after birth are intense, the stress of birth etc.
I had a very bad time with one of mine and lost about half my blood, then I was just sent home after a day or two and that was that. Injured and drained to the point standing up made me pass out, and a baby who slept about an hour max in any one go. It was very very challenging. Physically and in turn, being so tired and hurt and expected to be able to look after a baby challenges you mentally.
I had a friend who ended up fully hospitalised with both hers for full blown psychosis and also made the choice to stick at just two. Watching her go through that was an eye opener.
It’s hard. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re still here, your kids are ok and they have you.

 

[Brett DeLawyer]

If you went to Christmas dinner, and your relative who’s had a decades long stretch of relationships that never made it past the two year mark now has three (3!) rainbow queer pride stickers on their car (zero non-fag stickers,) would you make some assumptions?

Could it just be them fishing for good boy points in their hyper liberal neighborhood? Nothing was mentioned but the alphabet people stickers were not there last Xmas, and a romantic partner was. They are now gone without mention.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

I appreciate being welcome, but not being summonsed. I have a few relatives who act like council estate lady Catherine de burgs. I have a set capacity for social interaction and when it’s exhausted I just want to go home (and I have to stay, because people get offended and then I’m just done for the day.) so the other people I know in the family who are like this have been sat down by me and told very straight: it’s lovely to see you, I always like to see you. I get it can be overwhelming. Never feel like it’s a summons, come over all day or for ten minutes, or cancel last minute, but never feel anxious over coming here - whatever works. If you need to step out for a bit do that, I get it.’
And then, SHOW people you’re glad to see them. Get them one on one for bit, ask them to help with a heavy thing or a thing high up or that thing you can’t carry alone. Something small, talk to them, make them feel wanted, because they are wanted.
I have spent my whole life sat on the periphery of loud groups that o do t really want to be in and I’d much rather be in the kitchen having a chat with one person.

Rereading this today - and I suppose I may have sounded like Polly Party Planner yelling, "everyone get in step and perform!" in my comments. Very, very not at all. The irony is I have (variable) levels of and limits on sociability as well, and I tend to experience anxiousness in the lead-up, for sure. Probably related to some perfectionism - which is great for some situations, but unnecessary in others, and I think for me can be so overwhelming I have often just punted or flaked or just failed to deliver. To wit:

I right now am on track to be 2 3 hours late to my parents' house because I vastly underestimated the time my decision to get creative and try new gift wrapping techniques and ideas would require (hello, pleated and origami folding techniques, collaged papers, initials stenciled in gold on each, etc.). Plus one of my kids decided without notice to stay out all night on freaking Christmas Eve with no notice, and so I was up all night waiting and worrying (and too distracted to wrap, which is silly). When I texted in the mid-morning to say uh, what's up, you are supposed to be here by now, I got back sorry, fell asleep, so I said I needed them to drive another kid to my parents' (like, right now) bc I'm running late. An hour later, still at the friend's. I text and it's "we're just having a little breakfast.". I'm already tense bc I'm behind and didn't plan right, plus annoyed at the kid for being a no-call, no-show. My "are you fucking kidding me" was not well received. So then I'm freaking out bc now I have to figure out getting people places, don't know if errant kid is even going to show up ("Mom, you're being mean, I don't even feel like going now. Calm down."), and I'm holding everyone else up still knee deep in wrapping paper and just stubbornly refusing to chuck the rest in gift bags because I've dug in my heels on producing beautiful gifts . Now everyone is there except me. And to top it all off I have a song stuck in my head that I sang in 5th-grade chorus**. Merry Christmas!

But yes, also good point - can't expect help if you don't ask or don't accept it, and if my relative isn't a "hail fellow, well met" type and so not walking around cheerfully offering services and clapping people on the back while laughing heartily while regaling people with charming anecdotes, it doesn't mean he wouldn't help with something if asked. My family is weirdly both very informal and non-imposing to an extreme degree, and I've certainly taken the latter self-sufficiency to heart. Oddly, it's when I'm most capable and at ease that I can actually ask. But back to the point, people (sometimes) like to feel useful.

** this one:

 

[stick]

I feel like such a scrooge around the holidays. I don't mean to be, and I don't want to be. It's just hard.

 

[Bothriolepis]

All that being said, the normal experience of motherhood was violently, silently stolen from me by the PPP. It made my flesh-and-blood a stranger, and I'll take that loss to my grave.

I obviously don't know you, but from what you've shared here, I honestly think that you sound like an incredible mother who made the right decisions for herself and her family even when those decisions were hard.

Someone in my family actually experienced PPP, and I was the only person she ever told. This was decades after the fact, and she still worried that she was crazy, or a bad parent, or even the cause of her child's own mental health issues. It's something so stigmatized, even though PPD and PPP occur a lot more often than most people would like to believe, and often affect loving, devoted mothers who did everything "right" and who have no history of mental illness.

 

[PetiteFeet]

I envy those of you with substance to your xmas/family issues. We just do nothing different. Doom over the news, "remember when-" and watch the same black/white family movies as last year, clearly meant to be background noise during a thriving family get-together.

I dread NYE. It's life-affirming to look out and see fireworks from places you thought desolate, but then I imagine new couples visiting the in-laws or someone having their first NYE in a new country. Envious? Not really, I just need an injection of something new.

WoW and mental issues, the millenial scandi experience. Suddenly it all makes sense.

Mmm. Mood. I wasn't initially keen on it, but the fact that my mother actually went out of her way to try and spice up Christmas for us through a physical board game actually made the evening the more memorable and fun. If you have the energy to spare, maybe write down a route for a family walk after dinner but before midnight? Or pick a board/party game, though probably not Twister unless you're all into getting uncomfortably close.
Also ain't that the truth. I swear there's something in the water or soil that makes us all weird sickos deep down, but we're mostly perfectly capable of hiding it.

I never hear the word "psychotherapist" without hearing "psycho the rapist."

I never heard of a Theralyst.

it sounds like your symptoms are probably quite a bit more severe.

It's weird, my psychologist and my wrangler (or rather, my vocational rehab worker ) both claim this but the latter also claims to have cases who are much more handicapped in what they can/can't do than me. I guess I just mask it well, then freak out on the inside or in private.

Advocating for yourself in a situation like this (even through an intermediary; what you're describing sounds more like a Vocational Rehab case worker than what I would call a "tard wrangler") is the first step toward a better life.

New words have been memorised. Thank you, friend.

I would just about plotz if I had this kind of help. I'm so glad that you do. Please use every resource available, there is no reason to suffer. Depression has many elements, medication or some treatment (ECT, TMS, others that are out there) can help some aspect of it but it also requires effort and participation.. It's worth it to try. Be persistent, be your own advocate. Where you are you have better access to resources than most of the planet.
Also, we're here to kick your butt on request.

Yeah, I'll continue to chase any help I can possibly get. I will take you up on the offer to kick my butt in 2026.

I feel like such a scrooge around the holidays. I don't mean to be, and I don't want to be. It's just hard.

I get it. Trauma, seasonal depression, general distaste for how commercialised the holidays (or any holiday, really) has become. There's so many different reasons to be upset around this time of year.
Can you lessen the Scroogeness by turning on the dials of the holidays? My immediate family has agreed to keep Christmas and NYE lowkey for my sake, unless the children in the family are visiting. No presents, because we're all adults who will purchase what we want, when we want it. No Christmas decorations because no one cares to decorate or to clean afterwards. No expectations other than enjoying a Christmas dinner together for a few hours.
The same rules apply for my birthday and NYE. I don't want any gifts or the attention you normally would have on your birthday, so the get together I plan is usually a meal at a restaurant, or my dad and I help each other with dinner.

 

[stick]

I get it. Trauma, seasonal depression, general distaste for how commercialised the holidays (or any holiday, really) has become. There's so many different reasons to be upset around this time of year.
Can you lessen the Scroogeness by turning on the dials of the holidays? My immediate family has agreed to keep Christmas and NYE lowkey for my sake, unless the children in the family are visiting. No presents, because we're all adults who will purchase what we want, when we want it. No Christmas decorations because no one cares to decorate or to clean afterwards. No expectations other than enjoying a Christmas dinner together for a few hours.
The same rules apply for my birthday and NYE. I don't want any gifts or the attention you normally would have on your birthday, so the get together I plan is usually a meal at a restaurant, or my dad and I help each other with dinner.

The thing is, I would actually like a nice big to-do for the holidays. I've never really experienced it, and that's what makes me bitter. I won't whine too much about it, but I guess it feels a bit like grief. An "everyone else gets to have a nice time with family that loves them!" kind of thing, haha. It feels a bit childish to put it that way, but that's how it is. I'll get over it once the season passes.

 

[Agarathium1066]

I feel like such a scrooge around the holidays. I don't mean to be, and I don't want to be. It's just hard.

I've been there. I wouldn't say I'm really "cured" of it but I've gotten more and more understanding of why people will lean into the corny, happy, cheery nature of the holidays. Life otherwise can suck real hard and embracing a chance to do these happy and fun for the sake of it activities makes more sense to me. It's helped further by me that I've a family that I want to spend that time with.

If you're aware of it and trying to not indulge the feelings you're already doing better than most I know.

 

[The Feline Solution 2]

snip

For what's it worth i would've never assumed that you're not an US American, can't even really say why exactly, Euros strong with their written english again, i guess. I wish you luck with the mental health stuff, you already read about shit i dealt with regarding that, i know the struggle is real when it comes to finding competent providers or generally just something that helps you getting more quality of life down the line.

I never hear the word "psychotherapist" without hearing "psycho the rapist."

Classic

 

[stick]

I've been there. I wouldn't say I'm really "cured" of it but I've gotten more and more understanding of why people will lean into the corny, happy, cheery nature of the holidays. Life otherwise can suck real hard and embracing a chance to do these happy and fun for the sake of it activities makes more sense to me. It's helped further by me that I've a family that I want to spend that time with.

If you're aware of it and trying to not indulge the feelings you're already doing better than most I know.

Thanks for saying so. I'm trying! I wore a silly little Santa hat to work and laughed all day with my favorite coworkers yesterday. I think I'll stop moping and put a stupid Christmas movie on.

I hope everyone ITT is doing okay tonight.

 

[Agarathium1066]

Thanks for saying so. I'm trying! I wore a silly little Santa hat to work and laughed all day with my favorite coworkers yesterday. I think I'll stop moping and put a stupid Christmas movie on.

I hope everyone ITT is doing okay tonight.

I think that's a good way to go about it. It wasn't an instant fix for me and I still very rarely have a mild urge to rain on the holiday parade but I just try to remember why most do it. They just want a little joy and I sympathize with that.

A personal favorite old style movie is White Christmas. It's older and cheesy but I find it quite nice. Home Alone 1 is also extremely snappy and funny too. Hope you enjoy your Christmas evening!

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

Family didn't tell me they were sick before I drove a thousand miles to visit them (they told me they withheld the information on purpose because they were worried I wouldn't visit and the family member pretended they weren't sick until I caught on days after my arrival)
it's been a week and a half since I've been visiting. Sucks because now I'm feeling sick and my kid is super sick.

I know I'm seen as a germaphobe but I'm terrified of getting sick enough that it leads to a secondary infection- the last time I took antibiotics I was hospitalized and they know this. Took me half a year to recover (like being able to leave my house). My guts are finally in a place where I can function like a normal human.

Ever since then my doctors said 'be careful you don't want to take antibiotics if you can avoid them'.

They think it's funny for some reason that I'm the 'paranoid' one of the family. Like 'oh we tricked you but all that matters is Christmas'.

Merry Christmas....

 

[Bothriolepis]

It's weird, my psychologist and my wrangler (or rather, my vocational rehab worker ) both claim this but the latter also claims to have cases who are much more handicapped in what they can/can't do than me. I guess I just mask it well, then freak out on the inside or in private.

Honestly, I feel like everyone with any given mental illness is going to have unique strengths and weaknesses. You can group people into very broad categories based on functioning and symptom severity, but beyond that, direct comparisons are hard. The difficulties that you struggle with are very real and very challenging, and I'm sure you also have internal strengths that you aren't even aware of yet and will discover as you progress through treatment. It's an important part of the journey toward building a better life and becoming the best possible version of yourself, which is the eventual goal of treatment for any PD.

Meme to lighten the mood a bit.

 

[Motherf*cker]

micro dosing mushrooms before a big family event wasn't a bad idea at least it made socializing easier.
SIL started bothering me about food, and gave me castille soap for the second year in a row.
MIL twins were fine.
I found a cluster of more introverted nieces and cousins .
FIL loves that he has started the trend of using my full first name, apparently he's just dad now which is cool.

 

[Neighborhood Curmudgeon]

I finally get to be on vacation! Out of everyone in my workplace, I take the least vacations. So it's a shock to my coworkers when I do go on vacation. I couldn't be happier!

 

[Betonhaus]

I got a cold, feaver, and a packed holiday schedule. Fuck it everyone gets sick this christmas.

 

[bliblblblbbllb]

I remember the video of a street interviewer asking psychiatrists "How many people have you cured?" And they all laugh in his face.

From what you guys describe, in English we would probably call the tard wrangler a "case manager." In the US they are usually a form of social worker with various credentials that allow them to be a point of communication between clients/patients and the various services they use, like hospitals, government benefit programs, treatment providers like therapists and doctors, and care facilities/gov housing or shelters etc. You might also have one through the educational system or legal system. In practice, most people who are on some form of long-term benefit will have regular meetings with a case manager to make sure they're getting full use of their resources (going to counseling, not getting worse, etc etc.)

I had a weepy Christmas. At first I was upset about it, but now the day has wound down and I understand that I just am that way sometimes, especially with such social stress.

 

[Onion Guide]

My family is getting old. Weird to have tro grow up and become responsible. Kills me to realise very time I visit.

Good Christmas though, and grateful I got to see everyone.

I drove a car for the first time in a year since being diagnosed with epilepsy so that's cool.

 

[Motherf*cker]

Perimenopause has been hitting me hard recently, and I can't stop crying, my moods have been fluctuating like crazy, night sweats and insomnia.
I woke up at 4 am again last night drenched in sweat and my brain was like: this is normal, enjoy.
Doom.