He doesn't want to be there just as much as you don't want him to be there. If this is the way you talk to him, it's no surprise he finds any excuse to bolt. If he's as smart as you imply, he's acutely aware of how awkward he is and leaving early is a way to spare you his presence. Going out of your way to include him isn't a solution since A. you don't understand him and could very easily alienate him and B. some autists have a sixth sense for how uncomfortable other people feel, so doing something you're uncomfortable with puts them even less at ease. Some people just don't fit, and trying to force it only causes resentment.
Thank you! And no, of course I don't talk to him in the way I wrote. I don't even like thinking what I wrote. But I did because I'm trying to solve the question mark.
I have mainly silenced thinking conclusions about him and just accepted that that's how it is. But I know he's not happy, and I don't think he has friends, and I feel like I could have been or could be better in his life. Does it bother me he barely says two words to my kids? Well, I feel bad for them not to have their relative present much in their lives, when I think he's a neat person. And they, too, engage him and carry conversations with him, and have their whole lives. And tbqh, he seems to enjoy being around (until he doesn't) and even if joining in with just a comment or story here or there, he smiles or laughs when things are funny and is "there" - he's a whole person, not a lump, and if my prior comments made it sound like I view him that way, I am sorry for speaking carelessly.
I just feel like I have failed. And it is true, I could have done more. I let his awkwardness (and like I said, my lurking resentment)
make me give me an excuse to withdraw - and I feel I shouldn't have. I would be happy to meet him where he is. We don't dislike each other, though I'm sure he has things about me he finds annoying or frustrating, and probably some resentment toward me, too, as I do him. But I would like it to be better, and since he is less flexible a person than I am, my purpose here was to look for thoughts about ways I could maybe make things better.
I can't speak for all autists, but it's as much an issue for him as it is for you. Lots feel like any sort of interaction involves their opposite being overattentive and observant of them as a person, like they're being studied and judged, so they're less likely to be open. The subconscious disconnect that online discussion provides is a big reason why it's so comfortable for autists(both actual and figurative) to speak casually. Sometimes it's helpful for them to be interested in either you or a topic you bring up, or for you to introduce a way for him to be helpful and inspiring.
You have to remember NEETs have a lot of time to think, and a lot of that is focused upon themselves.
Thank you for this. I just don't want him to think I don't like and care about him, and in the last couple of years I have withdrawn quite a bit, and it's sad.
On some level, it feels nice to be invited to some family thing and feel included, on the other, I hate actually attending.
And thank you, too, for laying it out. (And as a side note, I can actually relate to this quite a bit. I keep more distance than needed, generally, from those things and from family.)
But I suppose my point is, idk, maybe find something you can do together? Idk if it's the same for all autists, but sometimes doing stuff is more enjoyable than talking. Stuff like board games, chess, table tennis, etc.
We traveled together once - unplanned, we ended up on the same plane to our grandmother trying to arrive before she died. He actually switched seats with someone to sit by me, and we talked the whole way, had a nice lunch together. Maybe I should call him up to go to lunch or for a hike (we both love walks/ hikes, though I suspect we both prefer them alone - but maybe a short one could be a way to be silent together). The parental generation has often encouraged me to reach out to him, but it's frankly been years since I had the bandwidth even to try (also, butthurt, as I said before - so I could be better myself).
Kind of excited about the presents I got him - a book on secret societies, and a big gift card to a place he loves. Gift receipt will be provided with the book so he can trade it out for something he'd rather - but he's literally traveled states to visit places allegedly secret-society related, so it seemed like maybe he would enjoy it.
Also need to add or repeat - he's never been diagnosed autistic. And never will be, as he is paranoid about medicine in general, and absolutely a no on anything mental-health-related. But some of his behaviors and perspectives seem fairly aligned to it - I'd never thought of it until a few years ago when one of my kids said, "you know he's autistic, right?" May or may not be accurate, but I think it's more than depression or ocd.
