I kinda resemble this in my family. I mean, I know I'm welcomed and loved, but because I'm the one in my family with the least amount of mental problems I've always been the one who gets forgotten. I'm the "oh, him too if there's time and the weather is nice," one in my family. I'm not autistic, but I am introverted with some social anxiety.
I guess my best answer for you would be that a big Christmas family get-together isn't a good place to address that kind of thing. That shit's already stressful enough. It'd have to be on a normal day, doing a normal activity like going out to lunch. And with fewer people, maybe even just the two of you.
And don't forget his birthday. Even if it's just a "Happy birthday!" text message. Even if he never responds to it, and your text message log with him is just "Happy birthday!" from you once a year and nothing else. It still makes a difference.
Kind of bummed that we're doing our usual "celebrate the holiday on the weekend after the holiday" thing even though it usually doesn't bother me. There are at least three fewer of us this time than last year. Oh well.
I kinda resemble this in my family. I mean, I know I'm welcomed and loved, but because I'm the one in my family with the least amount of mental problems I've always been the one who gets forgotten. I'm the "oh, him too if there's time and the weather is nice," one in my family. I'm not autistic, but I am introverted with some social anxiety.
I guess my best answer for you would be that a big Christmas family get-together isn't a good place to address that kind of thing. That shit's already stressful enough. It'd have to be on a normal day, doing a normal activity like going out to lunch. And with fewer people, maybe even just the two of you.
And don't forget his birthday. Even if it's just a "Happy birthday!" text message. Even if he never responds to it, and your text message log with him is just "Happy birthday!" from you once a year and nothing else. It still makes a difference.
Thank you! (Our Christmas get-togethers are small, but I get your point.). And I actually made a point to talk better with him tonight, more one-on-one and me listening more. It was nice! And not awkward at all. I think you're right that getting bent he gets bored or feels edged out with conversations going in 7 ways at once is a me problem.
Also, you're right on the birthday thing. I used to call him on birthdays and that's fallen away, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I think you're right he wouldn't mind being bothered by good wishes and would probably like it.
The only one I've met who seemed even relatively normal was the one I had to wait two months and travel half a state away to get an appointment with, and his sense of humor was the most Autistic thing I've ever heard. Definitely an accomplishment, since I know plenty of people with literal Autism, but at least he was competent and willing to call a spade a spade.
Therapists are usually the really odd ones, though. They all seem to want to apply their personal theories, whether they're well-supported or not, and most of them seem like they would have been amazing fucking enablers if that had been what I was looking for at the time.
Thank you! (Our Christmas get-togethers are small, but I get your point.). And I actually made a point to talk better with him tonight, more one-on-one and me listening more. It was nice! And not awkward at all. I think you're right that getting bent he gets bored or feels edged out with conversations going in 7 ways at once is a me problem.
Also, you're right on the birthday thing. I used to call him on birthdays and that's fallen away, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I think you're right he wouldn't mind being bothered by good wishes and would probably like it.
This may sound bad but sometimes you gotta treat people like a neglected dog. In both cases you're trying to bond with someone with trust issues or feels threatened with social situations. I'm not sure what based off your posts. First principle is let them come to you. Be available, but let them approach on their own. Make a point that each interaction is rewarding and positive. Give them an out. It's easier to open up when it feels like there is an out in case things go wrong. If you want them to open up this is vital because it might feel risky, and they need the assurance that they can stop when they need to.
I'd also say to be honest and direct. Even someone who doesn't understand social ques will usually have an idea when something is off. They may be very aware of how awkward they sound but also don't know how to properly escape the hole they dug into. It may help to try to tune into this and if you notice him being uncomfortable try to steer him away into something else.
it happens every time. i try to join a new group after being lonely to the point of wanting to an hero, these people eventually grow to hate me and kick me out but NEVER TELL ME WHY, i try to find solace somewhere else, wash rinse repeat. on fucking christmas eve too.
it happens every time. i try to join a new group after being lonely to the point of wanting to an hero, these people eventually grow to hate me and kick me out but NEVER TELL ME WHY, i try to find solace somewhere else, wash rinse repeat. on fucking christmas eve too.
Christmas hasn't been the same since my dad died. I miss him every day, even after almost 20 years. But it's always tougher around Christmas for some reason. I always need to have my annual Christmas weeping session(s). It sucks.
Also, you're right on the birthday thing. I used to call him on birthdays and that's fallen away, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I think you're right he wouldn't mind being bothered by good wishes and would probably like it.
I appreciate being welcome, but not being summonsed. I have a few relatives who act like council estate lady Catherine de burgs. I have a set capacity for social interaction and when it’s exhausted I just want to go home (and I have to stay, because people get offended and then I’m just done for the day.) so the other people I know in the family who are like this have been sat down by me and told very straight: it’s lovely to see you, I always like to see you. I get it can be overwhelming. Never feel like it’s a summons, come over all day or for ten minutes, or cancel last minute, but never feel anxious over coming here - whatever works. If you need to step out for a bit do that, I get it.’
And then, SHOW people you’re glad to see them. Get them one on one for bit, ask them to help with a heavy thing or a thing high up or that thing you can’t carry alone. Something small, talk to them, make them feel wanted, because they are wanted.
I have spent my whole life sat on the periphery of loud groups that o do t really want to be in and I’d much rather be in the kitchen having a chat with one person.
Can you get a different one? She sounds hard to deal with. Also, you have a wrangler? How the hell did you accomplish that? I feel like I need a wrangler occasionally to judiciously kick my ass when my assorted 'traits' are being a problem.
You can't possibly be in the US, are you? Because here mental health providers don't even notice unless you do something actually illegal or potentially fatal and someone else informs them on your behalf. And maybe not even then. If you are at all functional, they just keep sending you back to the front lines to cope on your own.
Seriously, though, please take full advantage of any opportunity they offer. Sometimes it takes being stubborn.
I live in one of the nordic countries, so our healthcare and social security systems are incredible (occasionally, anyway).
I used to live in a grouphome for almost 10 years, and as a result of little to no progress with them helping me learn how to lead a more normal life with my disability (muh mentals), I have disability benefits and a tard wrangler (I jokingly call her that as I don't know the "correct" title of her job in English, but she's more or less a social worker who helps me help myself wrt keeping a home, keeping appointments and correctly checking in with the system when they want to talk to me).
I don't take pride in being a leech on society, but I am incredibly thankful that I have been given the things I have gotten from the system and I genuinely want to break out of this downwards spiral, even if I won't be able to keep normal work hours.
If I hadn't gotten my disability benefits, I would be suffering a constant battle with the system, trying to prove I'm actually not functional etc.
I talked to my parents and told them that after my next appointment with the nurse in question, depending on how everything has gone up until that point, I will try to book with another psychiatric nurse at my GP's office and see if she's easier to work with.
I'm done suffering without help or with less-than-ideal help, and because of my tard wrangler I am able to actually get the help I need, rather than suffering in my own brand of learned helplessness.
NO ONE should suffer needlessly for this long, regardless of your issues. It's a waste of human life.
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I hope everyone has a good Christmas, no matter whether you celebrate it from a religious or cultural standpoint. We all deserve to get together over good food and to feel some human kindness.
My own Christmas went off without a hitch. The pudding I had prepared on the 23rd, my mother finished. My father worked his kitchen magic and showed once again, that he knows his stuff, and the roast duck was beautiful.
My parents, my older brother and myself played a game of localised Monopoly and had a lot of great laughs. The dogs were calm and well-behaved. For the first Christmas in many years I felt something akin to peace.
I feel as ready as I possibly can for my birthday and for New Years. If I may be so bold, I actually feel hopeful for 2026.
May every Kiwi here have a blessed Merry Christmas. I know it's rough for a few of you, so you shall be in my prayers. Think of how salvation was born in a manger.
I almost broke into tears when I was greeted by my dad on the stairs and he told me that there are presents underneath the tree and there's even one for him!
Dads dementia has made him into a 80 year old boy which is beautifully sad.
My husband has been making sure that Christmas morning is great for everyone and I'm thinking about a micro dose later.
I envy those of you with substance to your xmas/family issues. We just do nothing different. Doom over the news, "remember when-" and watch the same black/white family movies as last year, clearly meant to be background noise during a thriving family get-together.
I dread NYE. It's life-affirming to look out and see fireworks from places you thought desolate, but then I imagine new couples visiting the in-laws or someone having their first NYE in a new country. Envious? Not really, I just need an injection of something new.
I chopped apples for my Waldorf salad for my Christmas dinner contribution this morning and it fucking killed me. I am DED. My back will not forgive me for this. I want to go back to bed.
Therapists are usually the really odd ones, though. They all seem to want to apply their personal theories, whether they're well-supported or not, and most of them seem like they would have been amazing fucking enablers if that had been what I was looking for at the time.
Broke down yesterday with mom after holding myself together practically all month. My late sister loved Christmas and spent the season doing as much as possible with as many people as possible when she came home and making new traditions. First year without her and it's empty. Mom, dad and I never even really bothered to do a whole ass Christmas this year. There's not even any gifts under the small tree we put up, I gave mom her gift last month because fuck it - at least she can appreciate it without it being attached to a time where we're grieving for our loss.
Every single thing about the holiday season reminds me of my sister and makes me wish she was here. I spent the month avoiding Christmas imagery and music. I used to find sad Christmas songs cheesy, now they're painful. Bright baubles and lights are just reminders of the person who would've enjoyed them most.
I talked to my parents and told them that after my next appointment with the nurse in question, depending on how everything has gone up until that point, I will try to book with another psychiatric nurse at my GP's office and see if she's easier to work with.
Being in Scandinavia makes it more difficult to know exactly what you should expect, unfortunately, but probably a lot easier to access the care that you need once you're able to get in. Even with good insurance, the few specialist appointments that I had solely for assessment made up a decent percent of two years' worth of treatment costs, and I can't begin to imagine how difficult all of that would have been to access for probably the majority of people where I live. Then again, the fact that there are more providers in general and that the population isn't too spread out (in most of the state; living in "the middle of nowhere", I can still drive three hours and be in what would, by Northern European standards, be a large city) makes it physically easier to get help when you do have the resources. It's a shitty catch 20/20 if you have any kind of condition not treatable with a judicious dose of Ritalin, Prozac, or Suboxone.
Getting a clinician who's not an asshole is definitely the right move, though. There's a fine line between being overly "validating" and being an asshole, and with some PDs, there's just no point in being an asshole.
I don't know your exact condition, but I have mixed Avoidant traits (not the primary diagnosis, but enough to matter), and would have probably just ghosted a practitioner who talked to me like that what you're describing. Most likely with absolutely no backup plan, so you're doing better than I would have under the circumstances, and it sounds like your symptoms are probably quite a bit more severe. Advocating for yourself in a situation like this (even through an intermediary; what you're describing sounds more like a Vocational Rehab case worker than what I would call a "tard wrangler") is the first step toward a better life.
I would just about plotz if I had this kind of help. I'm so glad that you do. Please use every resource available, there is no reason to suffer. Depression has many elements, medication or some treatment (ECT, TMS, others that are out there) can help some aspect of it but it also requires effort and participation.. It's worth it to try. Be persistent, be your own advocate. Where you are you have better access to resources than most of the planet.
Also, we're here to kick your butt on request.
