My internet is down and won't come back up until Monday. I'm hot spotting off my phone right now and seriously considering switching to Starlink despite living in the middle of a major city, as there are literally no better alternatives.
I had a social at work and feel like I made an absolute fool of myself trying to socialize with others. At least, I feel that way. Im already incredibly anxious and nervous. But I guess I have a proclivity to get even more so when people talk to me and seem to give a shit what I have to say. Im used to more or less being dismissed, or for people to look at their phones after asking me a question.
This over analysis to the point where you replay every little moment with a super critical eye is just social anxiety run amok. The people you interact with are half buzzed and just looking to socialize, they're not sitting there critiquing everything you do, compiling dossiers and giggling about you like children.
Did you have any liquor? I don't recommend getting drunk as then you'll genuinely do something stupid that'll earn you a reputation, but just have the equivalent of 1 shot, 2 at most and it'll get you buzzed enough to talk to people.
If someone views you as a pitiable individual, they may give you 5 minutes of their time and act nice, but they won't hold the proverbial door open for you to make their life miserable on a continual basis. This is to say that him giving you his gamertag was almost certainly not a move out of pity since if he thought you were a miserable weirdo sadsack, he wouldn't want to interact with you more than necessary.
As others have mentioned, if you strip away all the negative thoughts, it was a successful night. Socializing is a skill like anything else, keep doing it more even though it feels uncomfortable and you'll be almost passable for a normie in no time.
My internet is down and won't come back up until Monday. I'm hot spotting off my phone right now and seriously considering switching to Starlink despite living in the middle of a major city, as there are literally no better alternatives.
Same here, they just ain't gonna provide a better connection, unless one lives in an entirely new house in a street with optical fiber. Also they are scammers, they will charge for a fast internet service they aren't able to provide and they don't have a cheap tariff for what you really get. Even the LTE mobile data option looks much better, but I'd have to install the antenna on the roof and cablework myself, and the price isn't quite reasonable either.
This cyberpunk reality sucks ass.
I'm making a triple batch of my grandma's chocolate chip cookies and some pretzel peppermint bark for my cookie boxes.
I make these almost every year for friends and family
I have friends coming over for our dungeons and dragons game, which has happened two weeks in a row without needing to reschedule.
It's snowing out, and it almost looks like a Christmas card.
I called a grocery chain to ask if they were hiring, and instead got a message that they didn't have enough staff to pick up the phone. I went in person and they said they weren't hiring. A man came up to me and said the application process was extremely competitive.
Goodness. Same. On a pathetic note, it's also me on fandoms. I don't engage with those communities outside the farms but sometimes we poke fun of the normies and while that's fun, it also annoys me and ends up coloring how I engage with any sort of media.
As for me: well, negative neutral. I just had a massive emotional meltdown over bullshit that pertains to self doubt to self loathing to rejection sensitivity to being productive and planning to bring up different forms of therapy to my therapist come the next appointment and making metaphorical descriptions for my emotional meltdowns.
Rate the autism below
"Everything triggers it. It's like being a brit getting ready for Normandy. You're barely holding it together with the knowledge that as soon as you step on that beach, there's a chance you'll be blown to kingdom come. On my good days, I feel somewhat normal but unfortunately there's a powder keg in my head that's held together with duct tape and I have to periodically check on it to make sure all the dumb shit I keep in there remains intact lest I let my guard down for a second and the whole thing blows, leaving a crater inside my brain. I'm fuckrd in the head but I don't want to be absolutely fucked in the head. If I went that far, I'd be a troon"
Having a day where I wish I could pop my brain out of my skull and pick out the worms that live in it.
I have zero reason to feel sad or upset, I had a good talk with my mother about muh mentals and why I hate December, yet I just feel this strange hollow bitter feeling inside of me.
I need to get one of those fucking daylight lamps because I'm indoors the entire time the sun is out and all this artificial light sucks hairy donkey balls
Had an ok day today, found out cancer person doesn't go into surgery until April/May. Good luck with that because I'm getting bad vibes about the whole thing. There's a few bad things I predicted about work about a year or so ago and now they're coming true it seems. Who likes Christmas?
I'm so depressed that I ate an entire sugar free jello/fruit cup by accident and the whole time, though I was thoroughly disgusted, I choked it down anyway thinking this was just going to be the new normal with my pre-packaged fruit. I'm so used to enshittification and products being completely unsatisfactory that I was just like, whatever. Can't buy these anymore.
Luckily my wife had one and instantly clocked it as sugar-free, so now we see that our shopper made an oopsie, but Jesus. I need to up my vitamin D.
Guess who's a dumb bitch and is going to bed at 3AM
I'll have to reverse my sleeping schedule before my in-patient program thingie in January, there's no fucking way my sedentary ass can withstand a 12h+ long day with exercising, socialising and learning without going to bed at a reasonable time and wake up at 7AM.
At least some of my nerves and anxieties have been eased wrt the aforementioned program, maybe I'll actually successfully attend.
Guess who's a dumb bitch and is going to bed at 3AM
I'll have to reverse my sleeping schedule before my in-patient program thingie in January, there's no fucking way my sedentary ass can withstand a 12h+ long day with exercising, socialising and learning without going to bed at a reasonable time and wake up at 7AM.
At least some of my nerves and anxieties have been eased wrt the aforementioned program, maybe I'll actually successfully attend.
This is Kiwi Farms, not the Mayo Clinic. The people here are shitposters, trolls, retarded spergs, and little kids who only post here because it's one of the few places remaining on the internet where you're allowed to say nigger and faggot without getting banned.
Some of them I'm sure are very nice people. But you will almost certainly be better off if you never listen to any advice anyone on this site gives you.
I went to a bar for the first time in several years.
It was a small hole in the wall bar in my little town. There was a band playing when we got there, way too fucking loud for such a small space, and a group of what I can only describe as "woo-woo white chicks" dancing around in a group like deranged cultists. I felt apprehension at me agreeing to this meeting and prepared to be annoyed the whole time I was there.
However as me and my friend took a seat at the bar, the band finished their last song and the group of loud white chicks left. It became very quiet so conversation was possible. The bartender was a young women that promptly took our food orders and made our drinks. Despite it not being on the drink menu, she made me a Long Island Ice Tea, extremely strong to the point of it being almost pure liquor. We got our food promptly and I sat at the bar and me and my friend began conversation.
A random person arrived and sat at the bar, and that man and the woman bartender began an in depth conversation about sports, her quoting statistics meaningful to her but meaningless to me. If the rolls were reversed it would be someone watching me talk about Warhammer 40K or maybe one of the recent books i've listened to or read to another person, with the on looker perplexed.
The owner of the bar was there and I watched as the owner and bartender took shots, and then handed a drink to the cook, him only appearing in a little cut out window for a few moments. The food was good. Great even. I had my suspicions but a peanut butter and bacon cheese burger is one of the great achievements of mankind.
I had never been to this bar before, but the nine to ten people there had some culture I was an intruder upon. A goth chick, complete with piercings, linked by chain from ear to lip wrangled her drunk partner. Rednecks mocked each others beer choices. Me and my friend had a great conversation about Dracula and she teased me about how I had finally left my hermit home to venture into the world. I finished my drink and got a beer.
The whole time this was happening, there was a great drama unfolding in the background.
Before we had arrived, some malcontent idiot had brought his family to the bar, his family consisting of a newborn baby and his wife. He, dressed in a Christmas sweater, had gotten drunk, belligerent and angry. He got into an argument with his wife. He said he would walk home, a far ten miles, made even further by the 20 degree weather, with a hoarfrost wind making it even colder. He took his pride, his independence, and the car keys with him, leaving his wife and child out in the cold at a bar.
The owner of the bar leapt into action, driving to the retard idiot walking down the road in freezing temperatures and brought him back. A Christmas sweater adorned woman, mascara staining her face from crying came into the bar, followed by the owner of the bar, holding the baby, and then behind them, the retard idiot sulked in, sat at the bar and was given a water.
I briefly made eye contact with him, and in a single moment could tell he was ashamed, embarrassed. I could hear him making brief, half hearted apologies to his child and wife.
He took the water that was offered to him, but he sipped it like it was another alcoholic drink.
I finished the beer, paid the tab and we left. And for the first time, in a very, very long time, I was content.
Sure.
It's a 6 months program divided into three modules with a 1 week stay at their facilities, then two months where I work on myself at home, learning about reframing my lifestyle to make overall healthier choices - the way I eat, the way I sleep, go grocery shopping, exercise and how I talk to myself.
The health professionals at the place are from various different branches of healthcare. Occupational therapists, dietitians, psychologists and more, and they teach various subjects like mindfulness, exercise in water, cooking, yoga and working one on one with an assigned contact person on what I want from this program.
It's basically to help build a solid foundation to make lifestyle changes, rather than your normal "diet" for weight loss, and to help me understand why I might be thinking in a defeatist way or if I don't feel physical changes immediately, to not get upset and to keep working on myself.
The Internet's just poisonous nowadays. The nasty brain worm looping thought days are the days I make an active effort to stay off every forum, news site, and every single avenue where people can pump their brain worms into my mind. The reality is the "normal person" is also sitting in anhedonia addicted to the cycle and the content we're seeing are fake lives and amplified outrage. Fake makeup caked faces, the best angles and posed body shots, rented Lambos and mansions. It's all fake garbage and encourages everyone to get insecure and spam toxins everywhere, then the algos pump the toxins up because seeing threats and outrage is incredibly addictive. It's almost impossible to look away. As such, the internet is my worst addiction and the one I wish I could break the most. It's very hard after growing up in a time where the internet was a place of friends, and learning, and exploring wondrous digital worlds. Now it's a human centipede of sludge.
The inpatient thing sounds like a godsend TBH. I loved rehab. Just sat around reading books and talking to people whose lives also sucked and realized how not alone I was in being sad about the world. Even if they allow it, in your position I wouldn't bring my phone. From what you've described it sounds like it'll be a great place to get started breaking out of mental sinkholes and forming healthy habits. Hope it works out for you.
