How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Yellow Rose Of Texas]

I know a lot of people say “Stay alive for this or that” but any good thing I’ve experienced so far in life has never made me think “Man I prefer this to dying.” It’s made me think “This is nice. Would be nicer if a truck hit me tho.”. Idk I just don’t have that desire to live, the only time I sorta did was with the whole “You’re not BAD for trying it, just hurt”. Cause I think “Oh, I really am a loon. Being a loon is no way to live.”. Rather than “Ya, I’ve been known I’m a shit person, time to end it once and for all.”. I’m sorry this is schizo, all my thoughts are sorta disorganized.

Are you feeling black pilled or just feeling depressed in general?

 

[GAY DEAD MUPPET GANGBANG]

I honestly don't know.

I felt lonelier than shit and horrible this morning and I had to get out and "hustle". I'm self employed, I work both online with many gigs and I also go out and, essentially, buy low, sell high, find stuff to fix to sell, etc. It keeps me busy and I love it. Especially when most of the my early adult life was wasted inside doing nothing because anxiety, I've come to truly enjoy being out and be proactive. I'm not an idler, I have to stay busy and multi-task and I feel great meeting new people and getting shit done.

I went out to browse sales and just go far, go to Goodwill; I've recently bought and made profits on microwaves so I waned another one at least. I went halfway across the city and not only found one, but found something else that's truly valuable that I've found many of thus far. It's always awesome when I come across them. Good find, good day, but I was now halfway across the city; the GOOD side of the city. Lots of yard sales and great people.
I got so jealous. Beautiful neighborhoods, families, houses; why can't I be there.

I was friendly and happy to be there; better to visit than not at all, I guess, but it was a good thing I had such big sunglasses on that no one could actually see my tears. I feel so damn lonely; I had a girl who I want to think is still my friend. The problem was this was long distance and has been for too long but we didn't have a way to PROGRESS past that beyond visiting a few times. I still haven't heard back from her for days so I'm crying even more because back when I lost another girl I was getting to know 5+ years ago, I found myself thinking the same thing back then in the neighborhood.
Every time I go there, I feel that way. I love it, but I hate it, because I can't have it. I'm better off than I was then, but I still feel just as hopeless.

I saw a really cute feminine looking girl working at one of the Goodwill's; modest mid-length skirt and sweater vest, just so approachable. We both looked at each other and I wanted to talk to her, but it didn't happen.
I feel so hopeless that my current relationship is already over; I want to talk to someone, like I did with her, and women like that are just so... alluring.

I'm home now, and while I love having come back to KF to do something, at the same time, being inside in my room on the computer with this layout, doing this, it feels like a tomb. I can't stand that I have to come back home to this. I don't want to be locked inside.
Forums are so much more fun when you have someone you truly like to talk with at the same time, or together. I like everyone but I haven't talked to anyone one-on-one yet or anything.

I don't want to be home, alone with my thoughts, worrying and making myself feel worse. I want to be out even more, but there's only so much I can do per day. I almost wish for a stable outdoor job at this point, so maybe I'll look into that.

More money makes me feel more comfortable and more confident, and might allow for these wants of mine to happen, but right now I can't stand doing this every day; whenever the sun goes down, I feel like I'm entombed alone and I can't do anything but watch videos or post here. Not even concentrate enough to sleep or write. Ugh.

That probably made no sense.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

Are you feeling black pilled or just feeling depressed in general?

Ah, geez, I wouldn’t say blackpilled or depressed. Just like… Tired? If life is just going to keep having these issues I just don’t see the point in it. And sure there’s good stuff, but none of its good enough to justify existing. There’s things that make me happy, but some of those things are not allowed cause they’re cringe and I don’t wanna be made fun of. So now we’re at the sort of baseline “Mildly miserable” every other adult is at, but then you add on a plethora of “trauma” (I hate that word) and mental illness and it’s like. Wow, ya sure I could go see Brazil or something and have a nice steak dinner, but who gives a shit when life is this bad? Life is just this monotonous theatre act where you pretend to be a normal adult who does normal adult stuff, and you have all these torturous thoughts in your head, and it’s all for fucking what? So I can go to a party on Saturday where there’s alcohol I hate and sex I hate and carbon copy edgy retards that I hate? So I can have a holiday where there’s more alcohol that I hate and insipid “girl talk” that I hate and stupid loud ass fireworks that I hate? So I can buy a shirt at a store that I hate by a brand that I hate so I can show up presentable to a job that I hate? Don’t you see? There’s so much in life that’s just so fucking meaningless and miserable with absolutely no levity because the supposed levity is more stupid unfun boring garbage, and the real levity is looked down on by society for being “cringey”. And you sit there missing the childhood you never got cause you weren’t out playing tag like everyone else, you were inside being beat for crying too loud. You weren’t out trick or treating on Halloween, you were in your room watching everyone outside while your mom sprinkled holy water around the house. You weren’t going to your friend’s house playing Mario, you were inside talking to the wall cause that’s the only friend you had. The only sort of identity I have is this website and I don’t even like it. Dare I say, I hate 90% of this website aside from a few threads. But it’s the only mildly entertaining thing in my life.

Life sucks and then you die, so why not just skip the “life sucking” part? In my eyes, life is just a big ‘ol “why bother?”

 

[DavidS877]

Temporarily a stranger in a strange land. Often thinking of that "I think you should leave" sketch where Tim Robinson (on the verge of tears) tells the stranger "I don't know what any of this shit is and I'm scared."

Except I'll be fine. It's just so weird how weird people from far away places are. And now I'm the weird one because they're all on the same page. Good practice expanding my horizons, I suppose.

I went to Japan twice for work. I don't speak any more Japanese than 'Yes" and "No thanks". It (was) a very nice place, clean, lots of interesting stuff to see. But holy hell it was isolating. The only people who I was able to speak to was the hotel staff and the people at the office. Even just trying to order the large curry at lunch in the office building turned out to be a problem. I have no idea where this was going, but anyway, expanding horizons good. Modern translation technology probably better.

 

[AnOminous]

Might go take out my frustrations by thinning out some of the feral hog population.

When life hands you lemons, don't make lemonade. Go kill some fucking varmints!

 

[WASR96]

When life hands you lemons, don't make lemonade. Go kill some fucking varmints!

Was a slow day yesterday, which is a shame since it was actually nice yesterday afternoon and had a nice breeze going. Only saw one group of hogs who didn't come back after the first three from their group got dropped.

Tax: Turns out my Dad most likely has a hernia that's pressing against his abdomen. Still feeling guilty since I know he's been outside doing work around his house by himself that most likely caused it. Now that I'm starting to get better, I need to get over there more often and start helping him out again so he quits lifting on shit at his age.

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

Now that I'm starting to get better, I need to get over there more often and start helping him out again so he quits lifting on shit at his age.

that's sweet af but sloooow the fuck down, dude. I get your dad needs help but your body is torqued too. Happy to hear you're feeling well enough that you want to do that.

You gotta throw your guilt in the trash though. You didn't ask for cancer.

Life sucks and then you die, so why not just skip the “life sucking” part? In my eyes, life is just a big ‘ol “why bother?”

Seems like you're coping from a life of abuse/neglect by having an unhealthy parasocial attachment to this site that you don't even want.
'why bother' with life is a tricky thing to tackle. I think looking for a 'why' is sort of pointless, but an autistic brain tends to want to 'why' everything.

Simply existing can be 'why' enough

If I were suicidal and hated every aspect of life I would reconfigure it drastically.

insipid “girl talk” that I hate

This is a pre-pooner mindset, so be careful.
BUT you absolutely don't ever need to partake in 'girl talk'. It's not a requirement.
If there are women who are boring you with their conversation you can simply excuse yourself with literally anything and leave.
You have free will.

So I can go to a party on Saturday where there’s alcohol I hate and sex I hate and carbon copy edgy retards that I hate?

Again, not a requirement.

real levity is looked down on by society for being “cringey”

What 'levity' is this? What do WANT but others conceive as 'cringey'-- if it's harmless and can elevate your life (especially if you're suicidal) why not figure out a way to weave whatever it is into your life? (Hopefully it's not pooning out)

It sounds like you're torturing yourself with things you hate. Maybe just trim some of that. Obviously you need to work, but if you have friends/parties/ect you hate you're allowed to bail on them.
--
thread tax: I baked corn bread and touched grass for like half the day. It was great, 11/10

 

[Lingering butter taste]

This is a pre-pooner mindset, so be careful.
BUT you absolutely don't ever need to partake in 'girl talk'. It's not a requirement.
If there are women who are boring you with their conversation you can simply excuse yourself with literally anything and leave.
You have free will.

Ya but that’s what adult women are supposed to like, they’re supposed to like talking about hair and nails and babies and boys and how much they hate them for not being perfect teen drama heartthrobs, all that stupid bullshit. It’s just what’s normal and expected, as much as I hate it.

Again, not a requirement.

Again, you’re seen as a weirdo if you don’t.

What 'levity' is this? What do WANT but others conceive as 'cringey'-- if it's harmless and can elevate your life (especially if you're suicidal) why not figure out a way to weave whatever it is into your life? (Hopefully it's not pooning out)

I just like dumb shit like video games and cartoons and comics. I’m seen as weird since I’m supposed to be into TikTok or something.

I don’t want to be a man, it sounds exhausting. The pressures 10x worse, at least as a woman I can get away with some of it under the guise of being a “dainty little precious snowflake”.

Simply existing can be 'why' enough

But existing sucks.

 

[Incongruous]

I've been trying to distance myself from the friends that I have. Not because they're bad friends, they've been really good to me over the years. But I want to grow away from them, and I'm not entirely sure how to do that. We're all similarly losers, and we've collectively been fighting through a lot of shit. Also, we're all addicts in some way. Most of them are addicted to gooning, and while I like to tell people I've quit the addiction, I've pretty much just turned it into a weed and pseudoephedrine dependence. One of my friends also quit gooning, but instead of that he turned to drinking and online gambling. I wouldn't be surprised if someday he told me that Polymarket ruined his life.

As for me, I'm living off of a dwindling inheritance. Never had a real job, because I never needed it. Always just took "risks" in the market buying random securities and options to see if anything worked out. Sure, I had some big wins and some noteworthy losses, but I'm mostly glad that I bothered putting any effort into it at all. I don't think I put enough effort into anything nowadays. I might talk a lot of game, but in the end I'm only a few bad trades away from losing everything.

I stopped taking my meds on September 14th. Dwindling inheritance, remember? I can't keep checking the "self employed" box on my insurance while reporting less than 30k on my tax returns. Something's gotta break, and it did on Wednesday. I lost my health insurance coverage. I have a supply of meds stocked up to last me around 2 months, at which point I'll still be hearing things that don't exist to anyone else but me, except I won't have any recourse sitting in my medicine cabinet when things get unbearable. Oh well I guess, sucks to suck.

I joined this forum in October to talk shit about people who are so far gone down the gooning pipeline that they needed CSAM and animal abuse to satisfy their addictions, since neither me or any of my friends ever went that far. I'd go to their congregation spaces, snap some footage of them being degenerates, and then lambast them in the public sphere. I thought I could find companionship in talking about everything that's fucked up about them without ever addressing the things that were fucked up about me.

And yeah, I go to therapy, but who doesn't lie to the therapist about whether or not they're a danger to themselves? The only thing I have going for me on the site as it stands right now is answering Q&A's by Exegesis and talking shit in the chat with Asterism and slungus22. But hey, maybe there's a chance that I'll find friends here still. If I keep making effort posts and stop being so evasive about my connections to the goonersphere, I might just find some people that don't think I'm a nuisance.

So, yeah. If there's anyone who might want to be friends with a schizo gooner drug addict, it'd be cool if you sent them my way. Otherwise, I'll probably keep bumbling along like I usually do, just accepting life as it comes on my own.​

 

[AnOminous]

So, yeah. If there's anyone who might want to be friends with a schizo gooner drug addict, it'd be cool if you sent them my way. Otherwise, I'll probably keep bumbling along like I usually do, just accepting life as it comes on my own.

Sorry, I can't trust anyone who justifies text on a forum. It's just too weird and formal.

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

Ya but that’s what adult women are supposed to like.

Ok, I'm confused. You're thinking about killing yourself, but you don't want to be seen as a weirdo?

I would want to get out of suicidal ideation at all costs.

tbh, it sounds like you are very comfortable with being miserable.

at least as a woman I can get away with some of it under the guise of being a “dainty little precious snowflake”.

*tired foid stress sigh*

 

[AnOminous]

I would want to get out of suicidal ideation at all costs.

At ALL costs? I suppose there's lobotomy if you really really can't contemplate the idea of your own nonexistence.

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

Sunshine all the time creates a desert. Sometimes you need the floods.

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

At ALL costs? I suppose there's lobotomy if you really really can't contemplate the idea of your own nonexistence.

Ok, ok AT MOST COSTS.

but this before and after lobotomy guy looks fly af ngl

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

Ok, ok AT MOST COSTS.

but this before and after lobotomy guy looks fly af ngl

View attachment 8145107

I prefer the guy who got a railway tamper through the brain.

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

I prefer the guy who got a railway tamper through the brain.

Phineas Gage, pure husbando material

 

[73_Autistic_Fuck_54]

I just like dumb shit like video games and cartoons and comics. I’m seen as weird since I’m supposed to be into TikTok or something.

There's nothing wrong with liking games cartoons or comics. It's a hell of a lot better than being into fucking tiktok. I know it's easier said than done, but you'll feel a lot better about yourself when you learn to embrace your "weirdness", and quit worrying about what your supposed to be like.

 

[AnOminous]

I prefer the guy who got a railway tamper through the brain.

Most of that shit about Phineas Gage was completely made up.

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

Most of that shit about Phineas Gage was completely made up.

If I want to believe a man survived a 5 foot metal rod rocketing through his skull at the speed of sound and his sudden change in personality afterwards, by Job I'm gonna.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

I would want to get out of suicidal ideation at all costs.

Ya but then I’ll be seen as a weirdo

There's nothing wrong with liking games cartoons or comics. It's a hell of a lot better than being into fucking tiktok. I know it's easier said than done, but you'll feel a lot better about yourself when you learn to embrace your "weirdness", and quit worrying about what your supposed to be like.

Sure but it’s like, I’m scared I guess. I don’t want to be laughed at.