How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Lonely, isolated. Seems like nobody wants to talk, hang out, spend any time around me, etc. Laid off this week so don't even have coworkers to hang around. Sitting here letting my mind wander about things, which is not a good time. Trying not to get cross-eyed drunk every single night. Have failed most nights so far.

Been talking to someone from KF who is local for several months outside of KF and getting super mixed signals that give me emotional whiplash. I have no idea where it's going, if anywhere. It's like three steps forward then three steps back. They'd be chatty one day, flirty another, then super cold and distant and hardly talks at all (if any) for like a week or two. Then lather, rinse, repeat. I probably shouldn't be airing that out here but it's 2:20am and I'm trying not to get drunk again so fuck it.

Also shitty employer-paid health insurance won't cover the EKG my doctor said I needed before trying ADHD meds. It makes me understand why Luigi did what he did. It's $84. Not the end of the world but fucking annoying that I have to deal with this shitty insurance nickel and diming everything anytime I do something beyond a super basic checkup.

And my PC randomly crashes and BSOD's on random games because of mouse drivers or something I don't fucking know I'm out of ideas to try to fix it and it's infuriating. Also would like to very much play a MP game with people but can't get anyone to. Even my old group won't. Very isolating.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

EDIT: Thanks for the horrifying...
 
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My biggest dream of owning a vintage car has finally come true. I just plonked the last of what I owe down on one of these, a 1937 Austin Ten Cambridge. It’s been sitting for decades, but the engine has been rebuilt, starts, runs and drives. Hopefully it doesn’t need too much to get it on the road, but needless to say, I feel fucking amazing. It’s been such a long time coming, and now it’s finally happening.
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Ravier Xavenblood said:
Been self reflecting a lot on how non committal I was in the past, especially when it came to work and socialization. Back in the day, my mindset used to be "I'm gonna move away from this shithole so why bother making connections" and I was somewhat of a ghost among my coworkers at my old jobs. Never made a single lasting connection during my formative years and I feel like I missed out on yet another crucial stage of social development.

That old non committed mindset doesn't work anymore now that I live far away from my parents and have no plans to move away for a long distance relationship anymore.
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Shit, dude, that was my mindset too. Growing up we had to move a lot for very dumb reasons, plus there was especially a bump in the road where my family REALLY wanted to be ass-kissers for some reason so they pretty much just kowtowed and made me kowtow to the first other family they fucking saw, even if their kids and I were in completely different age groups. It was weird and gave me that detached mindset that I really can't afford to have either. It's hard but I believe you can do it, gotta plant your roots somewhere. Really just being friendly but not too attached at first to people and finding a local club/gathering of some sort is always a good way to start. Like ask someone in there how to get started with whatever activity you're doing and let them show you the ropes.
 
DeutschfagAufAbwegen said:
I currently feel like shit... I have a vertibra in my neck that moved so far, that it is currently leaning on the nerve responsible for the movement and feeling in my right arm, cutting it off, making it extremely painful to move or pretty much do anything with that arm. At least the painkillers i get are decent
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Moved how/ why? You may be dealing with something completely different than what I'm familiar with, but have you had PT or steroid injections already?

Either way, I feel you. Constant pain (and movement limitation) sucks rocks.
 
MisterListerTheBlister said:
It's hard but I believe you can do it, gotta plant your roots somewhere. Really just being friendly but not too attached at first to people and finding a local club/gathering of some sort is always a good way to start. Like ask someone in there how to get started with whatever activity you're doing and let them show you the ropes.
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"I'm gonna move away to *insert place here* so why bother" doesn't work anymore once you hit your late 20's and you got bills, expenses and need to build up your real savings. Ever since my long distance relationship imploded, the realization hit me that this place is where my roots are gonna be for the foreseeable future, and so is my current job. I've been trying my luck with local hobby groups to varying degrees of success. My last DND group fell apart due to people's IRL commitments and it was getting political so I was getting ready to take my leave. Shooting sports was always a solitary hobby for me as well but I've recently gotten back into airsoft of all things. There's plenty of people in my age range at the local field but breaking the ice takes forever.

Being more sociable at work is hard too but it's something you have to do when it consumes such a big chunk of your life.
 
Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
Moved how/ why? You may be dealing with something completely different than whatfamiliar with, but have you had PT or steroid injections already?

Either way, I feel you. Constant pain (and movement limitation) sucks rocks.
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Bad luck. I closed a zip-tie and looked left at the same time, causing a massive stroke of pain to run through my right shoulder. Apparently the vertibra leaned right out of its socket and is now constricting that nerve. I havent had any injections, but im taking Prednisolon (steroids) to fight the continuous flaring up whenever i move my arm.

Thank god I have good doctor with the right connections that was able to get me an MRI within a week and a fast appointment with the best local neurosurgeon in a 500km radius
 
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Was a real good get-together yesterday. Only one of my best friends and my cousin with me but we went to the biggest gaming bar (more like a gaming palace, place is gigantic) in town yesterday, had an excellent burger and did some vintage arcade gaming there. Got in for free because friend knew the co-owners so i didn't even spent much money, didn't drink either for a change. Another friend flaked but he already invited me to a korean place we went to last year for next week. This "being social" thing is nice from time to time but i am spent today, physically as well as mentally. Don't get old, kids.

Another thing i'll add even if it's sorta OT: Noticed once again how small the capital-I Internet has become yesterday when the Farms were down, i usually sit in the kitchen and check alerts and whatnot first thing in the morning and yesterday when the site didn't load i literally did not know what to do with my morning :story: I am really only here on my phone or on YT when i am on my TV these days (rather these years) and the rest of the internet might as well not exist it has become that shitty and borderline unuseable. Apart from KF and YT there's really just a couple of torrents site left that i browse, how did it come to this? "Enshitification" indeed.
 
The Feline Solution 2 said:
Apart from KF and YT there's really just a couple of torrents site left that i browse, how did it come to this? "Enshitification" indeed.
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Because people can't handle an overload of information from multiple sources, so they tend to stick to what's reliable as long as it offers a reasonably good (say about 80%) solution.

The internet used to be fun. You used to be able to visit a ton of websites regularly and they would all have good content. Now, social media sites are the great aggregators, and it's disheartening because they know they have you, so you get targeted ads. You'd be only too glad to browse off, if people could be bothered to post on their own sites anymore, but they don't.

And with large swaths of people flocking to sites, so go the normies, so it has to be as bland and inoffensive as possible, lest someone cause a shitstorm that makes the website a touch less profitable, or because people can't be bothered to do their own research, people will leave because they "heard" a thing that doesn't meet their personal taste happened and will find some other site to spend most of their internet browsing time at.

Dead internet, sure, but only because most people don't contribute anything useful to the discourse and blindly consume.

And don't get me started on bots. Good lord. Most people don't even realize that even before the internet, people were hired to sway public opinion, the way record companies used to hire girls to scream at boy bands back in the day. Most people wouldn't give even half a thought to whether or not they hold an opinion because of the illusion of popularity. But that's a side rant.
 
Not A Bunny said:
The internet used to be fun. You used to be able to visit a ton of websites regularly and they would all have good content
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I have a hard time remembering how i've browsed the internet in olden times, but i do remember that i constantly was on it ever since i had access to it (first via 56k modem, then as an early adopter with ISDN Broadband which used to cost a mint from what i remember) and that i constantly found new sites to entertain me, mostly forum and vidya related, anime/manga stuff also being a big part from very early on.
Not A Bunny said:
Now, social media sites are the great aggregators, and it's disheartening because they know they have you
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For me as for so many others the advent of social media was the first time i noticed a shift towards a definitely shittier "form" of internet browsing. I used FB for under half a year, mainly to reconnect with people from school but noticed fast that this kind of internet experience wasn't for me, i use this shit mostly as escapism so fuck seeing IRL stuff on my internet (weird to say because KF is almost completely related to IRL stuff happening but it's at least not my personal IRL stuff). Nowadays you simply can't escape the IRL stuff practically anywhere because everything is so enmeshed with the internet. To this day i get weird looks when people ask me for socials and i flat out tell them i don't use any SM because i think it's bullshit, looks like i am the one that is using the internet wrong. I imagine people on here know that feel all too well.

I don't even know where i was going with this but i could rant about it forever.

TL;DR The times they are a-changing and i don't like it. Get the fuck off my lawn.

Not A Bunny said:
Dead internet, sure, but only because most people don't contribute anything useful to the discourse and blindly consume.
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Truth. That definitely used to be much different.

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DeutschfagAufAbwegen said:
I have a vertibra in my neck that moved so far, that it is currently leaning on the nerve responsible for the movement and feeling in my right arm, cutting it off
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Dude, that really sounds not good at all! What are the doctors saying about it? I already feel like a cripple with my new back issues but your situation sounds legit horrifying.

Ah sorry, you already answered in your other post.
 
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The Feline Solution 2 said:
or me as for so many others the advent of social media was the first time i noticed a shift towards a definitely shittier "form" of internet browsing.
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I'll try to stop derailing the thread, but I'll go a step further and say that what really killed the internet was the iPod.

In my family, I was the nerd, so I had a computer as a teenager. Yes, my siblings did use AOL because it was there, but they weren't as "into" being online as me. That all changed for both of them when they got iPods, because now they had a good reason to be on the computer, so if your device is hooked up to the computer - remember, no wifi on iPods back then - they may as well stick around for what else is there.
 
The quality of services in R*ssia reminds me Brazil movie.
"Special services - we do the work, you do the pleasure" really
 
I'm going to have to do it. I have to bite the bullet. I have to apply for disability and be a fucking gibs me dat.

I have POTS (old timey fainting bitch disease), whose symptoms can vary but for me it means I can't be up and move around for more than 20-30 minutes at a time on a bad day without possibly fainting and cracking my skull open. I need to either lay completely prone or sit in a special chair/recliner to recover, meaning I can't even find an office job reliably. I can't drive because if I get hit with an episode I have literally ~30 seconds warning to safely pull over/stop and then I have to lay on the ground or else sit in my car for a literal hour. I feel like killing myself whenever someone wants to chat about work and I have to tell them I don't work, or if they ask why my husband is always with me and I get to tell them I can't fucking drive and they look at me like I grew a second head. What whole ass adult who looks perfectly healthy doesn't work and can't drive? It's beyond embarrassing and it means I have no real social life. I mean, I'm autistic just like the rest of you so it's not like I want to go out all the time or have a hundred friends, but still.

I have resisted getting on the government dole for my entire life. I hate admitting I need help or recieving any kind of charity. But my life is no longer sustainable without SOMETHING changing. I can't even find a remote job because I have no real skills or employment history to speak of. I did have a part time job at one point but it was basically gotten through nepotism which meant the owner didn't care if I took 10 hours to do 4-1/2 hours worth of work on a bad day, and they're dead so I can't even use them as a reference now. I also waited too long so even if I apply for the dole tomorrow I probably won't get anything for months or years even though I desperately need money RIGHT NOW. That's even with an intense amount of jewry (cancelling garbage service because taking a load to the dump is cheaper, unplugging the microwave when I'm not directly using it, going to the food bank, etc.) I still don't know where I'm going to be living in 6 months. I'm grieving not just the loss of my last living family member but also potentially my home, future, and what little pride and independance I still had left. I am straight up just not having a good time, kiwis. Thank you for being a void I can scream into, because that's the only therapy I can afford right now.
 
I'm completely fucking miserable to the point of being non-functional and see no way out.
 
WASR96 said:
My previous doc was an asshole, but he was at least good at being able to get imaging appointments in a timely manner. That sounds really painful though, I hope you have a speedy recovery.
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Thanks man, but the neurosurgeon told me he can't do shit, now im going to spend my time this fine friday evening in my local university hospitals neurology ward...
 
DeutschfagAufAbwegen said:
Thanks man, but the neurosurgeon told me he can't do shit, now im going to spend my time this fine friday evening in my local university hospitals neurology ward...
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Shit. I'm sorry to hear that dude. I was also told a few minutes ago not to expect a weekend discharge like I was hoping for. Solidarity for being stuck in a hospital on a Friday night...
 
WASR96 said:
Shit. I'm sorry to hear that dude. I was also told a few minutes ago not to expect a weekend discharge like I was hoping for. Solidarity for being stuck in a hospital on a Friday night...
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My condolences for that, gotta suck hard. At least im going to have the luxury to go home later and have my tests run at a later appointment.
 
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