Yeah I get it. I feel that way too. I don’t think there’s an easy way out of it, just say ‘not today’ and get up and do what you have to. Get something to get up for - a particularly greedy cat that demands food will do. Life can be miserable, hang on in there.
You just think about it more. People who think about life get depressed. People who do not think are unburdened by existential grief. This may not be helpful. Anyway there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you, you’re just human. be kinder to yourself
I want you to open up google, and type in ‘pure O OCD’ and read about the sexual subtype. Then read the last few bits of advice you’ve received. You were groomed, you haven’t dealt with it. And it’s given you a set of thought loops that revolve around anxiety that you may be ‘infected’ with what was done to you and do it to others. We call that pure O OCD. It responds fairly well to having a good vent about it, talking therapy etc, and the point about the OCD modalities is that people DO NOT do the things they worry they will do. Repeat: OCD fears are NOT something patients act upon.
I did what you said and I was shocked how it perfectly described what I do. Maybe I do need help, it’s just, my worry is that if I get help then I’ll become too lenient with my morality and do something actually awful. But after having a (successful) walk, maybe morality is a bit subjective. I dunno, I wish I just had a clear cut definition of what’s woodchipper fuel and what’s not. I thought I did.
You won’t. That much anxiety over it is an OCD thing. It’s the people who don’t see any morality issue who do it and i bet they don’t worry about it at all.
It’s not, but again, you know what’s right and wrong and the stuff that makes you feel so bad to think about is wrong. You have some faulty thought loops that are creating anxiety and OCD type thinking over issues that have been done TO you (TO you, you were not the instigator.) that kind of shit is very hard to process fully, especially as a young adult - the boundaries are less clear than with a child.
I used to be on Prozac and these thought patterns were largely gone. I have had talk therapy when it came to this but it never really helped, I’d realize the thought patterns were ridiculous and then like a day later I’d go back to them. And then my therapist would tell me the same thing and the cycle would repeat. I remember I used to also have a friend who I’d talk to about this but she got quite sick of it, saying “It’s like watching a hamster in a wheel, you’re just doing the same shit.”. Prozac was really the only thing that actually felt like something changed, and when I got off it the change lasted for a good while. It only really stopped after I found this site. Either way, I guess I can try talk therapy again. I am in talk therapy but for a completely different issue.
You are right there. Several times I have these elaborate day dreams and thoughts on “What would I do if this happened? What if I was accused of this? What if I did this?” And I have to kinda bring myself back to reality and remind myself “But wait, none of this happened.”. It’s weird.
Talk to your therapy person about this maybe?
wait fuck sorry not the second time this week, second time this YEAR
I am sorry. It sucks. We lost our old cat a little while back and it hit me harder than I expected.
Well, that’s a lesson that life has for you, and if you are perceptive enough to see that, stare it down and work on it, then it’s a valuable one.