How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

Settling into my new job. Yet to be truly challenged but I still feel slightly unnerved for the future. Everyone else I discussed the job with at my old job was cheering as if I had made it, while I'm just here worrying I may come across so incompetent I'd get fired, knowing it realistically wouldn't happen. Starting to doubt I'll ever feel truly comfortable, but surely it'll help being +6 months into a job to the point I get a bit of ego about it.

Normal people in temperate climates, tho, often think their miserable state could be caused by SAD and put all their last hope in oncoming spring and summer.
Now, the summer is almost ending and everything is the same shit because it wasn't just the weather, but there is also the fear of missing out and feeling the time that had the potential to make some nice new memories, was wasted by one's inability to get any joy in their life.

"I should be out in the countryside making memories", what memories? Kitesurfing, swimming, running in the sand? If you had a natural interest in any of that, you would be. I suffer from this mindset myself however. I've biked for a few years and my interest is dwindling, yet it's the one thing I keep knocking myself over the head about. "The weather is great, I shouldn't just be sat here reading, having a grand time - I should be out ~participating in society~ by wasting away between the fields on a bike!".

I've been to festivals and events alone. People arrive and leave with the same friends and unless you magically meet someone else who is also entirely alone, you're just gonna be waddling around aimlessly. Unless of course you go to an event you've got some interest in, but the kind of person who pursues their interests like that is bound to already have some friends, or be outgoing enough to make them. At least they'd find likeminded people unlike the nerd who got convinced to hit the gym and the clubs for that #pawg.

 

[Slav Power]

Holy shit, killing yourself is always the worst possible choice to any conundrum that you can think of. Why the fuck are so many schizos doing/thinking about it this year?

When you're completely demoralized and can't see a brighter future for yourself, be it due to lack of motivation or being in such a shit state of affairs that getting to where you want to be is borderline impossible due to every job offering in the area being for factory workers and not having the resources to move to a place that has better job prospects, what else can you think of? Once your spirits die, you've basically died during life, so you might as well die completely and not suffer the mental anguish of being half-alive. A shit state of affairs to be in but that's just how it is when you're depressed. I sometimes think about how I should kill myself as well, but then I leave that mental ditch and kinda sorta pull through, even if I'm still in a kind of vegetive state. Just numbing myself with empty entertainment, procrastination and consumptionism instead of trying to figure out how to get out of the life ditch I'm rotting in, since that takes effort.

The difference is between thinking it and doing it. I know, both consciously and subconsciously, that I'm far from doing it, yet those thoughts keep creeping up from time to time. But at the same time I don't go here (or at the very least I try not to) whining about how I'm going to kill myself because 1) I know I won't do it and 2) that makes me more of a defeatist whiny faggot than I already am, and 3) a bunch of other Kiwis already do it so why add more fuel to the fire?

 

[KiwiSoldat]

Holy shit, killing yourself is always the worst possible choice to any conundrum that you can think of.

Why do people insist on resorting to monolithic claims, saying it's always the worst choice is a naive statement. Even if, if many of these specific cases, it might be true.

And framing it as a conundrum is certainly...interesting, people who do take their lives probably don't care what the "correct" choice to what "the" conundrum would be, they choose not to be part of the equation at all.

And what do you mean by worst, not too sound like Jordan Peterson here, but worst pragmatically, worst morally, worst for society? You are indirectly making the statement here that existence is inherently better than not-existing in all cases, quite a heavy claim, could you logically justify it?

For context, I’ve never had suicidal thoughts myself, nor have I dwelled on the idea. But even I can see that telling someone in that state “it’s always the worst choice” will be the final straw and might push someone over the edge.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

Terrible. And I’d love some advice. I’ve been dealing with this problem for a while, where I keep sorta blacking out and when I wake up and ask what happened, everyone’s saying I was going by a different name and acting weird and I didn’t recognize my face or name. It happened a lot during college, it’s not like I was drinking or anything, no I’d just randomly kinda not be present and when I came back to reality I was in a different place and everyone around me was saying I was acting weird. Like I couldn’t remember anything, didn’t recognize my face in the mirror, had a different personality, went by a different name. Fucking madness. College is starting again and I really hope it dosent keep happening, I must’ve looked so embarrassing wandering around like that. I have seen a psychiatrist about it but they just diagnosed me with some fake and gay shit

 

[FatalTater]

It is August, and August is always odd.
Only for about another week though.
September may bring it's own problems, but at least it isn't August.

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

Why do people insist on resorting to monolithic claims, saying it's always the worst choice is a naive statement. Even if, if many of these specific cases, it might be true.

And framing it as a conundrum is certainly...interesting, people who do take their lives probably don't care what the "correct" choice to what "the" conundrum would be, they choose not to be part of the equation at all.

And what do you mean by worst, not too sound like Jordan Peterson here, but worst pragmatically, worst morally, worst for society? You are indirectly making the statement here that existence is inherently better than not-existing in all cases, quite a heavy claim, could you logically justify it?

For context, I’ve never had suicidal thoughts myself, nor have I dwelled on the idea. But even I can see that telling someone in that state “it’s always the worst choice” will be the final straw and might push someone over the edge.

Suicide is always the worst choice whether you judge it by pragmatic, moral or societal standards. There are no redeeming qualities to taking your own life because you cease to exist while everyone else has to deal with the consequences of your suicide. By killing yourself, you simply end any opportunity for improving whatever condition you're in and actively make the lives of others worse. Existence will always beat inexistence.

Also, fuck you for that "final straw" bullshit. As if exclaiming the redeeming qualities of suicide and how it's the right decision for certain people in certain situations will not push someone over the edge.

Terrible. And I’d love some advice. I’ve been dealing with this problem for a while, where I keep sorta blacking out and when I wake up and ask what happened, everyone’s saying I was going by a different name and acting weird and I didn’t recognize my face or name. It happened a lot during college, it’s not like I was drinking or anything, no I’d just randomly kinda not be present and when I came back to reality I was in a different place and everyone around me was saying I was acting weird. Like I couldn’t remember anything, didn’t recognize my face in the mirror, had a different personality, went by a different name. Fucking madness. College is starting again and I really hope it dosent keep happening, I must’ve looked so embarrassing wandering around like that. I have seen a psychiatrist about it but they just diagnosed me with some fake and gay shit

DID (which you mentioned in your original post) is a real condition and you should listen to your psychiatrist. Your approach to treating your condition is obviously not working.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

DID (which you mentioned in your original post) is a real condition and you should listen to your psychiatrist. Your approach to treating your condition is obviously not working.

I dunno, it just sounds fake. Or at least exceptionally rare.

 

[KiwiSoldat]

Suicide is always the worst choice whether you judge it by pragmatic, moral or societal standards. There are no redeeming qualities to taking your own life because you cease to exist while everyone else has to deal with the consequences of your suicide. By killing yourself, you simply end any opportunity for improving whatever condition you're in and actively make the lives of others worse. Existence will always beat inexistence.

You like declaring things as self-evident, I personally think there definitely are circumstances in which suicide can be framed as a pragmatic choice, sometimes even rational. However, I don't think anyone in this thread would qualify. Which is probably what we should be discussing right? How bad are people's circumstances really? What is changeable and what is not.

Existence will always beat inexistence.

If you want, I think I could make a strong case against, however I am not going to write a philosophically airtight passage to someone who won't engage on it based on the premise alone, if you are open to entertain it, I'll oblige.

 

[Forsaken Wanderer]

life is pointless life is pointless life is pointless i fucking hate every second of it

there is nothing left on this dead world. it's all fake. have any of us really ever been alive

There's some hope. More people than ever have realized how evil mass immigration truly is. Even in bongland things have a chance of turning around. Wouldn't have thought that possible just a year ago.

It's beautiful to see. Finally our people are over it, and they are fighting back. Even the zoomers are becoming based. I'm glad I lived to see it. Now I can die knowing there is hope for them.

Holy shit, killing yourself is always the worst possible choice to any conundrum that you can think of. Why the fuck are so many schizos doing/thinking about it this year?

@Bonzi Baptist Instead of proving that you're a useless faggot to your mom and everyone else in the world, call her a stupid whore and get any job. It doesn't matter if it's working Sundays at McD's or fighting Indians at an Amazon warehouse, you need income to secure housing, food, and transportation. If you want to move out early, ask your father if you can sleep on the couch/floor while working fast food. Just move out far away from your mother.

@Forsaken Wanderer You need help. Go to your parents and tell them you're depressed, suicidal, and your shitter is flooding your house. I'm tired of pretending that you're an independent human being. Get help from your family because you're committed to never doing anything on your own. The recent videos were nice though.

@Super Mario Brothers You're going to college and seem like a good person. Don't kill yourself, things get better.

Can all of you faggots just stop killing yourselves? What is it with recent accounts coming here just to suicide post? I swear that Kiwis have a higher suicide attempt rate than trannies at this point.

I've said for years that white men have nothing left, we are done with this dead world, it's a grey ashen limbo and we are wasting our time in this fucking nightmare.

I've been feeling overwhelming loneliness since my dad is gone. I have my friends and my great uncle still, but nothing replaces that empty part where my dad once was.

The most important part of life is spending it with loved ones, everything else is just a distraction. Fuck the bullshit idea that we must waste all of our time in a cubicle, they have taken too much from us.

 

[Super Mario Brothers]

If you're not already an addict and want to preserve your sobriety and/or dignity you should avoid other homeless people like the plague. From my own experience straight up sleeping on the street was safer than at a shelter. Do you have any relatives or friends who would let you crash at their place? That's the best option. If you have money saved up try a cheap hostel for the short term.

Yeah I understand that I gotta avoid other homeless people. I'm a woman so there's a larger danger risk. During the week I was homeless, I jumped from motels and hostels but realized I couldn't keep doing it because I had no income.

My dad and brother won't. I thought about asking my aunt but she doesn't know the drama that's been happening with my mom and likes her. I can try asking her. I thought about staying with a friend but I think he wanted something more than friendship and I couldn't really provide that. And Agam said he can't.

I asked my church about it and they said they can't provide a place to stay but they're gonna try to help me.

I dunno, it just sounds fake. Or at least exceptionally rare.

Social media DID is fake, real DID is a lot more chaotic and horrible and caused by early childhood abuse. Some life circumstances (such as human trafficking) makes the statistics shoot up.

Regardless if you have DID or not, what you described is probably beyond a forum's help and needs some type of medical help.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

Social media DID is fake, real DID is a lot more chaotic and horrible. Some life circumstances (such as human trafficking) makes the statistics shoot up.

Regardless if you have DID or not, what you described is probably beyond a forum's help and needs some type of medical help.

My psychiatrist said I’m displaying signs of it. I dunno though, I just want it to end. I just wanna be normal again. I just want to stop having large gaps in my memory, I want to know it’s me thinking in my thoughts. This is absolute torture, I just wanna be me again.

Spoiler

I’m sorry for sperging, one breakdown some wellness check guys came to my college and I told them about this problem. They offered to take me in but I declined cause my mom said if I go into emergency one more time she’s kicking me out. I’ve been in once at 18 for a massive breakdown I had at high school but had to leave early cause my mom was saying she wanted to kill herself. Then I tried to kill myself and once again had to leave early cause my mom was harassing my friend who kept visiting me.

if I really have to be taken in, idk if I could do it discreetly. I know the first time I was taken in, my family didn’t even know I was gone for a good bit. Despite me living with them…

 

[Scream Aim Fire]

Things are, once again, mixed. Personally, life is actually going pretty well; job's bringing in good money, and my overall health - while not exactly the best - is still good enough. Writing's finally taking off as well; got the location and character design all nailed down, even got an idea for the intro and general plotline, now I just need to get a few things jotted down - including the actual story - and I'm golden.

Outside of that, there's been a few hiccups. Can't really talk to friends these days, since everyone else has a different work schedule than I do, so my social life is basically non-existent right now. There's also been some problems with my family; aside from one relative who's been dealing with a major drug issues for a while, a cousin that I was particularly close to has also gotten involved with crime and drugs, and apparently managed to piss off a local group of criminals. So... that's just swell.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Survived Hell Week I, now working on Hell Week II. Good work and family, though much much more effort ahead; mixed bag health-wise but a path forward; strain financially. So I'm work ng to capitalize on the good and move it to great, dealing with the health stuff, and doing everything I can (including reevaluating my options) to improve the financial.

I hate seeing kiwis feeling hopeless. Circumstances vary, so I can't speak to each one knowledgeably. But as someone who has had life get destroyed and is presently rebuilding it, with a (necessarily) completely overhauled perspective (a result of devastation that required humbly reevaluating absolutely everything - principally my own perspectives and assumptions) and clarity of vision, I can say that building/rebuilding isn't easy and is not always a direct path, but the humility and effort is worth it. My conscience will be clear and my stance stronger, whatever the outcome. If I were me xx years ago, I'd likely be flailing, punting, erring, and lost - just trying to hope my minor failures aren't exposed and pie-in-the-sky fantasizing that my less-than-100% efforts will somehow result in success. Having had to strip everything away, endure humiliation, and be open to rethinking everything, and only then finding my core strength, I am stronger and more solid than I have ever been, and I work hard and deliver, in all areas of life (some more than others, sure; WIP). And doing honest work in all areas and pushing pushing pushing, building day-by-day, puts me in a position to strategize. So if Plan A doesn't work (which I continue to pursue despite larger forces making success likelihood slimmer and slimmer), I know I can pivot to Plan B from a position of strength. I want Plan A (and tbh, Plan A has been HARD), but in furtherance of Plan A, I'm strengthening my position for Plan B. Building is slow, and frustrating, but as much as I'm dissatisfied with my present, I'm galaxies away from where I was, and that is a good thing.

Stagnation and hopeless get you exactly what you'd expect. You have to dig in and dig down deep. Avoidance isn't a goal. And it puts you into a weak, reactive position - strictly a passenger. But that's a choice. Life takes hustle - not in the sham sense, but in the sense of taking accountability and lighting a fire under your own ass, even if your circumstances are not your "fault," or external factors have put you in a - real or imagined or hybrid of the two - disadvantaged, disappointing, or un-ideal position.

 

[Max Caulfield]

As gay and retarded as it sounds, my life imploded the same day Fishtank S4 had it's final sendoff. Like, literally I tuned in for it, got cut off by Sam's jewry, hit the thread for the full version, watched and 4 hours later I forced to flee the state I was living in. Everything since has been absolute madness, getting tripped up, hurdles, hyper-violence, moral terror, the works.

My only real reprise has been drunkposting and cucumberfeet's recaps inbetween being forced to suffer fools and liars just for a place to stay at night, getting rejected, firedm told to fuck off, taking every wrong direction on my lonely way back home.

As much of a faggot Sam is, what's been dragging me through it all is the words: "I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. Life throws you curveballs sometimes. The only thing you can do is keep fighting. It's a privilege even to be able to fight."

And while I may be a 60 Year Old Gay Man or a 30 Year Old Lesbian or a Police Officer in the Midwest, at the end of the day, I'm just a wild dog that's been beat too much. And still, against all reason and odds, I persist.

 

[AnOminous]

Recently she told me about her terrible childhood and how her mom, ironically enough, had most of the same issues she has, but I guess she just doesn't notice that, but I can see how her childhood affected her.

There's a subplebbit that gets talked about here sometimes called /r/raisedbynarcissists or something similar and hilariously, every poster to it I've ever seen is blatantly a narcissist themselves.

 

[Kalsarikännit]

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Honestly the main thing I remind myself sometimes when I get into the thoughts of rational suicide isn't some strong philosophical motif or a justification or explanation for why I'm alive somehow and plenty of good people are not.
I just think about good shit I wouldn't have if I wasn't here.
Yeah, I'll never feel lonliness or rejection again if I'm dead.
But also steak is pretty nice. Fucking someone, even if it's rare, is pretty nice. There's a lot of fun, crazy shit you can do that you won't be able to if you make choices like that.
I think the issue is when you get into a state like that, you almost don't want to give yourself the ability to dig yourself out.
"Why try to enjoy anything when I see things so clearly when I'm depressed?"
It's not something that's anywhere near close to getting yourself out of.

Just remember lads. Life can be good, sometimes. There's plenty of cool shit you can do with your time if you stop thinking about all the existential stuff. Just get away from family, coworkers and others who actively enjoy hurting you and do so as much as you reasonably can and after a while you might be able to appreciate the small stuff again.
Tomorrow I'm going to exercise, spend some time with a friend and probably eat a pizza. I would never be able to have a day like that again if I left.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

I dunno, it just sounds fake. Or at least exceptionally rare.

Look, I am not a therapist, but for some time I was talking to someone who was about to become one and they said that it is sooooo rare that if there was an actual confirmed case in Russia, they would have doctors from every bordering country coming there to take a look for themselves or maybe even from overseas. In any case, you claim to have A - blackouts, B - memory loss, which are two extremely dangerous things, so you should talk to your therapist about them.

There's a subplebbit that gets talked about here sometimes called /r/raisedbynarcissists or something similar and hilariously, every poster to it I've ever seen is blatantly a narcissist themselves.

That's called generational trauma which back in the day was called family curse.

As much of a faggot Sam is, what's been dragging me through it all is the words: "I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. Life throws you curveballs sometimes. The only thing you can do is keep fighting. It's a privilege even to be able to fight."

You know, people keep giving him shit, but me, despite not being a fan of his, I am just unable to. Decade ago Sam was blacklisted by, well, everyone over some cartoony jew hating his TV show, he lost everything and was forced to live off his car. Yet he strived and now is back and kicking against all odds. But what surprised me the most, when asked about World Peace his reply was basically "yeah, it sucks that it was canceled, but I don't see a reason to cry over it, what's done is done". Honestly, I wish I could say this about many things in my life that I am still unable to let fully go. Just say "fuck it, it was good while it lasted, many more good things are ahead".

 

[missnaptime]

hello, i'm not dead!!! happy one year of me being on kf, i guess lol?

its been a really weird time for me. i ended up going back on antidepressants recently. i'm trying citalopram now. they wanted to put me on a high dosage but i made them start with 10mg, and i've been put on the list to get dbt [dialetical behavioural therapy] for my anxiety. i've only been on cital. for about a month, so it's too early to say if it's working, if i'm honest? in recent months my anxiety has been paralysing and has led me to isolate from things more and overthink to hell way more than i'd like;; and falling back into patterns of depressive behaviour.

tldr was that i noticed my mental health was slipping and thought i'd do something about it before it got really bad again; because i've been inpatient before after trying to kms and i don't recommend it, and i'm very glad i'm still alive in retrospect; i have so much love to share. still very anxious and not doing so hot in remembering to eat, but i'm taking it one day at a time, and i have alarms on my phone for medication and food lol.

british gp receptionists guard the gates of hell i'm pretty sure, because i had to make a phone call to her in front of her to book the appointment with the mental health clinician. said she couldn't take my appointment at the desk. apparently its 'practice policy'. i was a little mindfucked from that, i'll be honest. i'm surprised the mental health clinician worked so fast in getting me back on meds and in touch with the mental health and psychiatric services near me. i'm really grateful for it, i'm used to years long waiting lists.

accepted Jesus into my heart and life and although i stumble often with sin and i grapple with struggling to forgive myself more than anything of my mistakes and shortcomings, i'm doing my best with that and i feel much more supported for it. even without the promise of heaven, i'd still follow Him, i think.

it's been a tough time housing wise still, but there's been some progress?? i think?? i hope it comes to a fruitful resolution soon. i'm tired of the bureaucracy slog.

i've been working two jobs over the summer which has made me really tired a lot of the time, but i've gained a lot of muscle because one of them is pretty manual labour. its fun to prove people wrong, especially narcissitic shitheel old men who think just because i'm a woman i can't lift heavy thing. lol. i'm glad the temp contracts run out in time for uni though, because i've missed playing video games with my friends and doing my hobbies.

despite not being comfortable with a lot of things in my situation, i'm still trying my best. i take great comfort in knowing there's a little piece of heaven locked inside me in my soul; and even though i don't like how i look because i'm getting back into taking care of myself [like eating regularly, brushing my hair and making sure i drink water,] i'm still determined to try, and i'm doing well in making those changes. i managed to go and get my hair cut, recently! i'm so proud of myself actually, because that was frightening. i look like me again and my fringe is no longer overgrown to hell, and i went at a time where they were really quiet, so that really helped.

essentially i came to the realisation that i have a duty to myself to nurture and take care of myself, if not for myself but for that little piece, and for those who love me. and even if that's nobody, i take heart in that i exist and that i choose what meaning that has for me and how that impacts the world, even a little bit.

i'm still keeping on and doing my best, despite everything!!! wishing you all love, peace, and kindness. praying for you all! <3

 

[Sooty Soot]

I'm sick of Swedish niggers, I've just converted to Islam, praises to Allah (SWT), and I realised my Muslim brothers are already preparing for war against the Sw*des. I'm ready for combat. I will roll into Sweden with the Mujahideen (man who are on their deen), we will link up with all the AKHIS, who are Pakistani, Afghani, Syrian, Iranian, Palestinian, Turkish, Somali, you name it. All the Sunnis and Shias will link up and we will behead all Sw*dish "men" and marry your women and create a new race of Akhis, and establish a caliphate (not a jewish one though like ISIS was, google: Simon Elliot ISIS).