To sum up this long angry rant, I'm depressed that I have no control over my life, and I'm extremely jealous of kids who don't have to be controlled by their mother 24/7. How can I overcome my abusive mom situation without killing myself?
To get away from your mother completely, you would need to leave. That means getting a job, getting a place to live, and a means to get to that job. That is a big step, and I wouldn't advise doing it in most cases without a plan and preparation. So let me ask a few questions:
- why not live with your dad?
- do your parents have a cordial relationship?
- is he any better?
As for your mom "cheating in your classes," how is it she has access to your school accounts and classes so that she can submit your coursework? She does not have a right to that, #1, and #2, you are the one who will be kicked out for cheating, so you need to protect yourself.
But yes, the biggest point educationally is that you get one. If you are lacking foundational knowledge, get to researching high school curricula and where you know you are weak. Then go to Khan Academy online or some similar place with self-paced, good quality tutorials, and do the work to learn things or at least scale up to get through your current classes* and then do a reset. Maybe take a semester off to catch up or ask the college about remedial classes. Also, does the school not have tutoring and study groups? At the least, go to the library or a coffee shop to attend class, interact with others (online or off), and to do your studying.
* you are in summer classes? Why?
In sum, I recommend:
- talk to your academic advisor (call up the school and get the info, then make an appointment) about needing to catch up in xyz subjects. Do not tell them you've been effectively cheating, but also you have to stop that.
- find out about remedial courses, tutoring options, and study groups, then sign up and GO.
- change all your passwords and do not share any access with your mother except to financial information so she can pay your tuition bill.
- call the school about getting a meeting with a personal/ mental health counselor. If they do not have that sort of thing, 1) see if there is a student group that offers resources or community for people going through things, or 2) go through your healthcare insurer to get some names of therapists/ counselors. By the way, your medical information is also your 100% private business as well (same as school; give your parent(s) access to school and healthcare providers financial information only, so they can pay any bills).
- find some people to connect with. Even online schools have clubs and study groups and opportunities to interact with others. You need to change your isolation, even if still at home.
- get a part-time job and save every penny. Walk to it, ride a bike, whatever you need to do. Don't do too many hours, because you basically need to double up studying for awhile to catch up (and start doing your own damn work). But even working 10-12 hours/ week will be good for you. And having money, at some point a means of transportation, and the ability to live on your own is key.
You need to create and sharpen goals. I gave you a road map of where to start, but you have to have clarity of vision and the grit to achieve it. You need to start training yourself to stand on your own two feet. That will mean work, and it will likely mean friction - but if you do not learn how to peaceably but firmly set boundaries and put yourself on a path to true adulthood NOW, you'll be sitting right where you are now in 30 years' time and wondering what happened to your life and how it got so small.
Normally I wouldn't heap all that on someone just 18 or 19, but what you described is highly dysfunctional and it is crippling you. You're going to have to parent yourself better than your parents evidently have. You can't be lazy, and you can't afford to be scared or vague, and you need to get really, really clear with yourself about what you need (privacy, learning, remedial education, ownership of your academics and health, and more people in your life) and do what you need to to get it, even if your mother pouts, even if you feel socially awkward or academically behind.
Eta- when I say "call up the school" or whatever, I mean CALL. Not email, not text, but (assuming you don't have the in-person option) CALL. Why? Because 1) it is more active, and you are too passive in general so you need the practice; 2) because it gets things done a lot faster 9/10 times; and 3) speaking with someone and listening to what they say with your brain engaged can lead to your having more questions and getting much higher-quality information. Never assume you just need x piece of information then get off the phone immediately. Explain what you want and what you are trying to accomplish. A thinking person on the other end often knows more than you do about what might be helpful.
Always be curious. Remember: this is YOUR life. If you're passive about it, you will get exactly you have right now.
