How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[missnaptime]

>Lived most of life without therapy, very unhappy with failing grades, staying in my room all day to doomscroll, and dangerous breakdowns
>Multiple breakdowns in class where I’d run to the bathroom to panic and self harm
>Sometimes said breakdowns would be dangerous to other people as I’d get violent
>Eventually was forced into therapy, given pills due to being violent
>First time I took Prozac was the first time I felt just genuinely happy
>Grades went up, went outside more, passed high school when I was set to fail it
>Stopped getting urges to self harm, doomscroll, really do anything bad for me. Just wanted to do hobbies and hang out with friends
>Went a bit without them cause I forgot to refill and started doomscrolling anti-psychiatry pages
>Started feeling insecure about the fact that pills turned my life around
>Stopped taking them so I didn’t look “lame”
>Everything went back to “normal” (Read: Shit grades, staying inside away from friends, doomscrolling, shit hygiene, considering suicide, chaotic breakdowns, etc.)
>Just genuinely can’t take living like this anymore

hello - have actively been where you are. it does get better, but you also need to work at it, too, and things like this take time. if you break your leg, how do you expect it to get better, or at least heal somewhat right, without a cast?

meds are a lot to deal with, and i completely get feeling guilty about taking them. its a silly response your brain pulls. but ultimately, this line of thinking is a fruitless endeavour, logically, and its indicative of you needing support from your loved ones and support networks as a whole. as someone who did a lot of what was in your present shoes, and actually was on prozac, i also felt massively, massively stupid and awful about taking meds to support my mood. always have in part, and i'm in my 20's now.

you don't want to live like this by your own admission, and there is an alternative that isn't hurting yourself or psychologically tormenting yourself by withholding what you need to function. and the answer is not killing yourself. i've been there, tried that, and let me tell you, it's not a guarantee, and its a pain in the ass more than just getting help in the first place.

try and reach out to support services in your area. talk to a suicide operator on a crisis line. i recommend making something called a 'W/R/A/P'; it stands for 'wellness recovery action plan' and runs through personal responsibility, triggers to manage, support networks [friends, family, etc], and how to plan or deal with things in a crisis. it helps. remove triggers from your life - doomscrolling anti psychiatry pages, for example. i have a word block on my triggers, so nothing related to that sort of content comes up on my social media as i scroll. it really does help to at least say to yourself 'i have limits on this'.

what's even more lame than medication is refusing to let yourself be happy when you know the solution. and your friends aren't entitled to know your private medical information. most of my friends have no idea about my prior mental health history, and even if i'm on medication, and i guarantee if they do judge you for it, they're not people you want in your life. have the spite to take back control and get better. only you can do it, and it's a hell of a lot easier than killing yourself.

and even if you don't listen to me, and i hope you do, but also i know how hard it is to pull oneself out of suicidality, hopefully this helps someone else

 

[Lingering butter taste]

meds are a lot to deal with, and i completely get feeling guilty about taking them. but ultimately, this line of thinking is a fruitless endeavour, logically, and its indicative of you needing support from your loved ones

All I got from them was them looking down on my decision despite how much it was fixing my life. Even when I’d report something changing in my life due to the meds they’d just brush it away sorta with a vague “That’s good. Anyways.”

if you're young, try and reach out to support services in your area. talk to a suicide operator on a crisis line. i recommend making something called a 'W/R/A/P'; it stands for 'wellness recovery action plan' and runs through personal responsibility, triggers to manage, support networks [friends, family, etc], and how to plan or deal with things in a crisis

Thank you, that actually sounds very helpful. I’ll look into it.

what's even more lame than medication is refusing to let yourself be happy because you feel you don't deserve it, or don't deserve the help. have the spite to take back control of yourself and what you can control, and that includes getting better.

and even if you don't listen, hopefully this helps someone else

No, you’re right. I look like an even bigger dork saying “Meds? Ya, they helped. But yknow what’s better? Peer validation!”. I’ll get with a psychiatrist and see what she wants to get me on, though it’ll probably be Prozac again cause most psychiatrists can immediately clock me as someone needing it with how anxious and overthinky I am, kek. I was blessed to have a psychiatrist that assigned me the proper pills that never had a zombification effect.

 

[missnaptime]

All I got from them was them looking down on my decision despite how much it was fixing my life. Even when I’d report something changing in my life due to the meds they’d just brush it away sorta with a vague “That’s good. Anyways.”

No, you’re right. I look like an even bigger dork saying “Meds? Ya, they helped. But yknow what’s better? Peer validation!”. I’ll get with a psychiatrist and see what she wants to get me on, though it’ll probably be Prozac again cause most psychiatrists can immediately clock me as someone needing it with how anxious and overthinky I am, kek. I was blessed to have a psychiatrist that assigned me the proper pills that never had a zombification effect.

i'm proud of you, man. even if nobody else in your family understands you, you deserve happiness and you deserve fruitful peace and joy in your life. it can be really hard to make positive changes. i really really hope things work out okay!

will continue to pray for everyone's happiness, healing and growth~ <3

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

Stressed. Really stressed. I’m thinking back on something I did at 19 and I’m scared it was bad/creepy.

Spoiler

I used to be in this server for this game, the server had really strict rules when it came to “headcanon” (nothing sexual, just the devs not wanting people to mistake fanon for canon). I was 19 in the server and realized that I didn’t have much use for it so I announced my leave, till two people said “Hey, let’s just make a gc and talk about the game there without the worry of rules”. I didn’t get their ages but in my head I assumed they were probably mid-teens/minors. I said ok, said some “ships” and “headcanons” (all SFW), and then left the gc. Never talked to them again.

I keep thinking back to it cause I feel like I did something wrong, I just don’t know what. Something about this was creepy but I don’t know where, can anyone point it out? I feel like a monster. It’s something I’d never do again but I feel bad that it even happened.

Nigga, I don't know. The worst that I can critique you for is being a dork and loser who uses Discord and talks about faggy shit like ships and headcannons. There's nothing morally wrong with it. It's just deeply embarrassing behavior for a 19-year old to engage in. You're supposed to be exploring life at that age by starting your career and fucking women, not wasting time on Discord.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

Nigga, I don't know. The worst that I can critique you for is being a dork and loser who uses Discord and talks about faggy shit like ships and headcannons. There's nothing morally wrong with it. It's just deeply embarrassing behavior for a 19-year old to engage in. You're supposed to be exploring life at that age by starting your career and fucking women, not wasting time on Discord.

Fucking women? No thanks, I’m not gay, haha. Either way I didn’t know 19 was the time people lose their virginity, like I said I kinda would prefer losing it in a marriage though.

Thanks though

I would enjoy exploring life, I’m just limited in where I can go. I’m in college right now and staying with my mom, who’s very strict in where I can go and stuff

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

Fucking women? No thanks, I’m not gay, haha

I'm shocked that a woman would be this concerned with appearing as a sexual predator.

Anyways, if you're female you're supposed to be getting wasted and run through in college. I don't recommend it though. Save your virginity for the guy that you want to marry, lady.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

I'm shocked that a woman would be this concerned with appearing as a sexual predator.

Anyways, if you're female you're supposed to be getting wasted and run through in college. I don't recommend it though. Save your virginity for the guy that you want to marry, lady.

I mean, women can offend too. My groomer was a woman

I’m not really allowed to go to parties so getting wasted is out of the question. Let alone run through, ew

 

[obsdj]

I mean, women can offend too. My groomer was a woman

I’m not really allowed to go to parties so getting wasted is out of the question. Let alone run through, ew

Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ I'm about thisclose to asking for you to be banned from this site for your own well-being and mental health. Please tell your IRL therapist I said that.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ I'm about thisclose to asking for you to be banned from this site for your own well-being and mental health. Please tell your IRL therapist I said that.

What was the final straw for you?

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ I'm about thisclose to asking for you to be banned from this site for your own well-being and mental health. Please tell your IRL therapist I said that.

Honestly, telling your therapist that even a bunch of Internet Nazis and a literal Mossad agent are concerned for your mental health would guarantee at least some help.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

Honestly, telling your therapist that even a bunch of Internet Nazis and a literal Mossad agent are concerned for your mental health would guarantee at least some help.

When you put it like that I guess yea maybe I am a bit messed up. Theres only so much my therapist can do though with my mom’s permission, since she pays for it. I’ve had therapists recommend programs but my mom shot them down cause she believed I didn’t need them. She usually says I’m just looking for attention.

 

[Wraithdolf the White]

Even with all my physical ailments I managed to do like 9 miles of power walking this morning. ... Work is backed up now. Gonna be doing magic until past midnight.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

GEE

IT SURE IS BORING AROUND HERE

 

[Brett DeLawyer]

In the home stretch. Babby is huge and might be born weighing double digits. Feet, ankles, and tbh the rest of me is terribly, terribly swollen, although am assured this is normal. My face doesn’t look like me, I look like I got TikTok lip and face filler. This didn’t happen to me last time until after I got the preeclampsia, so have been fairly paranoid. Doctor just keeps telling me to put my feet up and rest. “Can you stay home this weekend? Can you just chill?”

My brother in Christ, how do you chill with a small child at home?? We’ve entered the “non stop questions from the asscrack of dawn til the second we fall asleep” stage. I’m excited about the curiosity but my god it is exhausting.

Also trying to find a bassinet/crib is killing my soul. The company I went with last time has somehow cheaped out on everything in the last couple years (same exact crib design, but 10lbs lighter? That’s not suspicious at all! I’m sure the wood is great!!) so I’m back to square one and running out of time.

Ree.

ETA: I have to go to the hospital in the AM because they think I might have the ‘clamps again lmfao. If I do they might want to start birthin’ the baby in a week or two. I am freaking the f out y’all. Prayer hands in chat pls.

 

[SOLDIER OF WALES]

I was cooking and I decided to put a tablespoon of butter in a heated pan and it produced a shitton of smoke for 30 minutes and the fucking fire department had to come and suck the smoke out of my house

Thankfully it was like 1pm and everyone was at work except some housewife mowing the lawn outside lmao.

They had their lights on and everything but atleast they didnt have the siren on to make even more of a spectacle lmao.

I gotta get one of those smoke sucking fans they have though lmao

 

[Spilled Spaghett]

I'm going fucking crazy!

There was this one anti-LGBTQ+ song I downloaded from here and now I can't find it anymore! "Kill all the gays (and the faggots)" I think it was. It was hilarious and now I can't find it anymore! I got a new computer and it's the one song file from KF that I can't recover from KF! I don't wanna dig out my old computer just for this one little shit!

https://archive.org/details/mikedavidthemkillallthegays

I got you fam.
Edit: Added local archive and also found a version that doesn't cut off the end.

 

[Foxymophandlemama]

I've thinking about life lately and I've realized: I am happier nearing my 30s opposed to my early 20s.
A lot of people in my generation crash under the pressure that you have to have your life figured out in your twenties. I don't know if it's influence of internet (comparing your life to others) or if it's our parents saying that we are privileged and don't struggle as much as them. I'm not going into deep.
I see many friends of mine freaking out because they haven't reached a imaginary goal as 25 years old and I'm like, so what? Many people live to their 80s or 90s. What's being 25 compared to that?
I'm well aware that a lot of people my age have accomplished more things than me, but at the same time... Does it matter? Are their goals meant for me? Why are we comparing ourselves so much when we are so different from each other?
A bit of sperging to say: I am happy where I am, despite everything. I prefer the mentality I have now. God, I don't wish to be 20 again. I still have a lot to accomplish, but what I have so far? It's good. It's pretty good.

That's it for tonight.

 

[Ruined by the Rain]

When you put it like that I guess yea maybe I am a bit messed up. Theres only so much my therapist can do though with my mom’s permission, since she pays for it. I’ve had therapists recommend programs but my mom shot them down cause she believed I didn’t need them. She usually says I’m just looking for attention.

I feel like getting an actual life without your mother hovering over you might help. Think about it. Do you really want this to be the rest of your life? Having her dictate what you can and can't do and shit like that

Anyways, if you're female you're supposed to be getting wasted and run through in college. I don't recommend it though. Save your virginity for the guy that you want to marry, lady.

Honestly save it. Most guys sucks in bed and it's less effort to just masturbate. You ain't going to be missing out on much
It's a psyops for men to get laid. I'm fr why do women even slut around when this is the quality they get

meds are a lot to deal with, and i completely get feeling guilty about taking them.

Personally I almost killed myself both times I'm on meds. It makes me feel like I'm cured but the side effects ruined my life and drives me crazy because I don't know that I'm suffering side effects. I'm not going back for third. I know it doesn't happen to everyone but it happens to enough people. Also they have funny ahh side effects that makes you feel cured before hitting you with the lowest low you ever felt months into taking them.

 

[Kalamazoo 2 Timbuktu]

In the home stretch. Babby is huge and might be born weighing double digits. Feet, ankles, and tbh the rest of me is terribly, terribly swollen, although am assured this is normal. My face doesn’t look like me, I look like I got TikTok lip and face filler. This didn’t happen to me last time until after I got the preeclampsia, so have been fairly paranoid. Doctor just keeps telling me to put my feet up and rest. “Can you stay home this weekend? Can you just chill?”

My brother in Christ, how do you chill with a small child at home?? We’ve entered the “non stop questions from the asscrack of dawn til the second we fall asleep” stage. I’m excited about the curiosity but my god it is exhausting.

Also trying to find a bassinet/crib is killing my soul. The company I went with last time has somehow cheaped out on everything in the last couple years (same exact crib design, but 10lbs lighter? That’s not suspicious at all! I’m sure the wood is great!!) so I’m back to square one and running out of time.

Ree.

Could you find something vintage on Facebook marketplace or Craigslist? They would definitely be much better quality. Bonus, You could find something unique, it would be a great hand me down/keepsake AND it would come pre assembled.

Congratulations and best wishes on the baby.

P.S. I never understood why my nose gained weight during pregnancy. I’m sure you look beautiful.

 

[Lingering butter taste]

I feel like getting an actual life without your mother hovering over you might help. Think about it. Do you really want this to be the rest of your life? Having her dictate what you can and can't do and shit like that

I mean, obviously I don’t like her hovering over me. But as long as she pays for my living she feels entitled to everything in my life sorta, who I’m allowed to be friends with, where I’m allowed to go, what I’m allowed to do, etc. I’m just working on finding a job so I can say bon voyage to her and move out, yknow?

Honestly save it. Most guys sucks in bed and it's less effort to just masturbate. You ain't going to be missing out on much

I don’t really like masturbating either. I only have bad memories with that. The girl who taught me how to do it was a creep.

Personally I almost killed myself both times I'm on meds. It makes me feel like I'm cured but the side effects ruined my life and drives me crazy because I don't know that I'm suffering side effects.

I only ever attempted off meds, the only side effect I ever experienced was… Honestly, I don’t know, I don’t think I ever experienced any. All I noticed were improvements, never anything getting worse.

I know it doesn't happen to everyone but it happens to enough people. Also they have funny ahh side effects that makes you feel cured before hitting you with the lowest low you ever felt months into taking them.

I wouldn’t say “enough” to where my first piece of advice is to avoid them like the plague. I’ve met more people in my life who needed meds than ones who didn’t. I’ve met people who will be completely fine on meds then randomly decide to go off them for no reason and then they become absolutely fucking insufferable and you essentially become their wrangler.

I’ve taken meds for years, I’ve never experienced what you described. Rather, I felt like I was walking on air the first few weeks and then afterwards I sorta stabilized into a normal mood. Like, instead of the extremes I experienced off meds (Good things making me manic and bad things making me suicidal) I was just normal happy and normal sad.

Not trying to discredit your experience, just saying I’ve never seen it in my life personally.