The Cole Smithey Thread

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ChurchOfGodBear said:
To be fair, the last thing the world needs is one more review of the new Ghostbusters.

If there was ever a time people needed to stop listening to critics and just go see movies to decide for themselves, 2016 is it.
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Really, this shit should have been pre-programmed into their logic centers had they realized people like Cole exist.
 
AnOminous said:
I can't find that but I randomly wandered across this on some other site. It's Cole Smithey arguing that Spongebob is not just gay, but pedo bait.

"SpongeBob's best friend Patrick has a crush on the King's mermaid daughter — so that knocks him out of homoerotic contention for SpongeBob's affections. The only gay affiliation SpongeBob has in the movie is his physical connection with a scantily clad adult male (David Hasselhoff) and that is a pedophile connection that's supported by the text of which I've provided several examples. James Dobson et al. are wrong about SpongeBob: he isn't gay. It's much worse, for the right, the left, and everyone in between. He is attracted to older men, and therein lies the pro-pedophile propaganda at work here. I can't say whether or not this consciously crafted ploy is effective or not, but the attempt to push a brash new NAMBLA-like agenda is unmistakable. The questions that the religious right needs to ask are how and why they ever confused homosexuality with pedophilia. Not only does blurring this issue do gays a disservice, it lets SpongeBob get away with murder."

It's on a thread about the dumbest movie reviews you ever read, oh and it's on NeoGAF no less. Needless to say a few posts later people bring up his relation to his more famous brother Chris.
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If Cole got kicked off of Rotten Tomatoes it would really kill his ego.

The Other Chandler said:
I can't imagine he actually paid his rent and expenses with those guys night out auctions though.

And here. It's not even an article, I blew it up in my imagination. It's Cole lurking the comment section and Roger replying. :oops: Naturally Cole's reply is pretentious and obnoxiously long. Ebert of course is completely gracious.

Some guy: I can't believe it. Cole Smithy, who brags he is "the most intelligent movie critic in the world," has just spoiled the perfect 100% rating of "Goodbye Solo" the TomatoMeter. All he writes is a short, shallow, idiotic dismissal. What an a$$hole.

Ebert: I went to look at it. What a pathetic review. A few generalities and some snarking at Tony Scott. One expects better from the most intelligent critic in the world.

Cole: In all fairness Roger, regarding "generalities," I was very specific about what I see as a glaring flaw in the screenwriting of "Goodbye Solo," where the author is far too in love with his leading character's name. I'm sure you know that this was a pet peeve of Cassavetes, and I dare say that "Goodbye Solo" is not on a par with films like "Opening Night" or "A Woman Under the Influence"--both very tangible examples of "neo-neo-realist" films.

I credited Tony for mis-branding the film as "neo-neo-realist" movie because I overheard someone quoting his review and was surprised to discover that he really had written it. He should know better. I stand by my opinion that "the film ["Goodbye Solo"] represents a barely competent script made gripping by an inspired director and two equally talented actors. Ramin Bahrani is a promising filmmaker who needs to work much harder at crafting dialogue and complete stories."

It's a capsule review for crying-out-loud.

A film like "Tulpan" puts "Goodbye Solo" to shame. Let's give credit where credit is due.

Love the dialogue.
Kindest regards,
Cole Smithey

Ebert: Well, we disagree, but I thank you for elaborating. I know what it's like to swim upstream in a river of rotten tomatoes. Just consider my review of "Knowing."



You either die a Spongebob or live long enough to see yourself become a Squidward.
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You can smell the smug. This is Brianna Wu level of "I am THE authority on everything I talk about"
 
blastoiseplushie said:
This almost looks like a sleazy, covert way to start an affair, even though Cole didn't necessarily ask for women. I wonder what his wife is like to settle for someone like him.

He's not as cringeworthy as Chris of course, but he has that lack of self-awareness and narcissism that makes me go...ewww. An arrogant hipster, ashamed of his down-home Virginia roots and sick family, who is about ten craft-beer bottles and a few Sicilian pizzas short of a neckbeard.
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The fact that he specifies "craft beer" makes it seem like he's trying too hard. First of all because he's in fucking Manhattan, a place where there's at least one bar per block and where all of them have a million different beers to choose from because rich people. You might as well be saying "we need to go to a bar where there's beer"

Funny thing is most craft beers are actually kinda shitty. Most brewers seem like they're in a race to see how many hops they can shove into one glass. That or they just jack up the alcohol content to truly unnecessary levels and in the process kill the flavor. I think Cole just likes the idea of being Mr. Cool craft beer guy. And it's amazingly stupid
 
Does Cole carry the gene for autism? Or was that more on Bob's side of the family? I ask because I'm trying to imagine Cole with his own children and what his reaction would be like if they had crippling disability like autism or a desire to become a movie critic. Would he be sympathetic? Ashamed like Barb was of her children? Stunned? Would he become more understanding of his little brother-sister?
 
Frozen Fishsticks said:
Does Cole carry the gene for autism? Or was that more on Bob's side of the family? I ask because I'm trying to imagine Cole with his own children and what his reaction would be like if they had crippling disability like autism or a desire to become a movie critic. Would he be sympathetic? Ashamed like Barb was of her children? Stunned? Would he become more understanding of his little brother-sister?
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It looks like it was more on Bob's side of the family because his children sound like a bunch of Spergs, and so does Bob, but Barb's niece also has severe autism.
 
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Frozen Fishsticks said:
Does Cole carry the gene for autism? Or was that more on Bob's side of the family? I ask because I'm trying to imagine Cole with his own children and what his reaction would be like if they had crippling disability like autism or a desire to become a movie critic. Would he be sympathetic? Ashamed like Barb was of her children? Stunned? Would he become more understanding of his little brother-sister?
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There isn't an "autism gene." Which is too bad because otherwise you could just test for it and abort all the autists before they were born.

There's a giant collection of genes vaguely associated with intelligence and apparently if you get enough and/or in the right combination you end up smart. However, apparently if you get too many of them you end up profoundly retarded or autistic. It's a weird thing. I've read about the autism explosion in some communities like all the Silicon Valley parents with autistic kids.

One theory is the kind of people autistic enough to be useful but not autistic enough to be useless used to go into celibate professions and become monks or something and didn't reproduce. But with the advent of the Internet, now male and female geeks actually sometimes reproduce. And get too many of these genes together and they produce retards.

Assuming any of that bullshit is true. It was a media meme about 20 years ago but I haven't heard much about it since.

Also Cole Smithey sucks enormous, wide circumference black dicks.
 
Mariposa Electrique said:
It looks like it was more on Bob's side of the famil because his children sound like a bunch of Spergs, and so does Bob, but Barb's niece also has severe autism.
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For real? From what little there is to gather they seem pretty normal.

I'd say definitely Barb.

Both her kids are offbeat and she's pretty insane herself.
 
AnOminous said:
There isn't an "autism gene." Which is too bad because otherwise you could just test for it and abort all the autists before they were born.

There's a giant collection of genes vaguely associated with intelligence and apparently if you get enough and/or in the right combination you end up smart. However, apparently if you get too many of them you end up profoundly exceptional or autistic. It's a weird thing. I've read about the autism explosion in some communities like all the Silicon Valley parents with autistic kids.

One theory is the kind of people autistic enough to be useful but not autistic enough to be useless used to go into celibate professions and become monks or something and didn't reproduce. But with the advent of the Internet, now male and female geeks actually sometimes reproduce. And get too many of these genes together and they produce exceptional individuals.

Assuming any of that bullshit is true. It was a media meme about 20 years ago but I haven't heard much about it since.

Also Cole Smithey sucks enormous, wide circumference black dicks.
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The reason people have not been able to pinpoint an exact cause is because it can probably be provoked by so many different things such as:
  • Men being born with smaller Y chromosomes than ever before can lead to decreased protection from the neurological disorder.
  • Excessive testosterone in the womb
  • Vitamin D deficiency
  • Old man semen
 
AnOminous said:
There isn't an "autism gene." Which is too bad because otherwise you could just test for it and abort all the autists before they were born.

There's a giant collection of genes vaguely associated with intelligence and apparently if you get enough and/or in the right combination you end up smart. However, apparently if you get too many of them you end up profoundly exceptional or autistic. It's a weird thing. I've read about the autism explosion in some communities like all the Silicon Valley parents with autistic kids.

One theory is the kind of people autistic enough to be useful but not autistic enough to be useless used to go into celibate professions and become monks or something and didn't reproduce. But with the advent of the Internet, now male and female geeks actually sometimes reproduce. And get too many of these genes together and they produce exceptional individuals.

Assuming any of that bullshit is true. It was a media meme about 20 years ago but I haven't heard much about it since.

Also Cole Smithey sucks enormous, wide circumference black dicks.
Click to expand...

Mariposa Electrique said:
The reason people have not been able to pinpoint an exact cause is because it can probably be provoked by so many different things such as:
  • Men being born with smaller Y chromosomes than ever before can lead to decreased protection from the neurological disorder.
  • Excessive testosterone in the womb
  • Vitamin D deficiency
  • Old man semen
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Vaccines obviously
 
Mariposa Electrique said:
The reason people have not been able to pinpoint an exact cause is because it can probably be provoked by so many different things such as:
  • Men being born with smaller Y chromosomes than ever before can lead to decreased protection from the neurological disorder.
  • Excessive testosterone in the womb
  • Vitamin D deficiency
  • Old man semen
Click to expand...

Any evidence for that Y chromosome thing? The Y chromosome has definitely shrunk over evolutionary history, largely because it codes for a pretty simple thing (a dick and balls) and the corresponding X chromosome codes for a lot more (a uterus and all the pretty complicated machinery that leads to being able to build an entire human). The Y chromosome would have a tough time getting much smaller. Anyway I seriously doubt that claim.
 
Frozen Fishsticks said:
Does Cole carry the gene for autism? Or was that more on Bob's side of the family? I ask because I'm trying to imagine Cole with his own children and what his reaction would be like if they had crippling disability like autism or a desire to become a movie critic. Would he be sympathetic? Ashamed like Barb was of her children? Stunned? Would he become more understanding of his little brother-sister?
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Bob was an engineer and his kids before Barb both have doctorates, all three have/had successful careers, Barb spawned two children and they are both egomaniacs without real jobs.
 
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Does Cole have kids?

I'm wondering if Chris has more nieces or nephews he'll never meet. :c
 
Mariposa Electrique said:
The reason people have not been able to pinpoint an exact cause is because it can probably be provoked by so many different things such as:
  • Men being born with smaller Y chromosomes than ever before can lead to decreased protection from the neurological disorder.
  • Excessive testosterone in the womb
  • Vitamin D deficiency
  • Old man semen
Click to expand...

Apart from anything else, so much focus was on maternal age until relatively recently that not a whole lot of attention was paid to paternal age. Sure, there've always been older men fathering children, but not in large numbers. And not with women who are also older.

Paternal age is proving to be far more important than we previously realised, but we're still a long way from putting all the pieces of the reproductive puzzle together. It can take a long time to pinpoint this sort of stuff because there are so many factors for which you can't control, and many times the "obvious" answers are not the correct ones.
 
Frozen Fishsticks said:
Does Cole carry the gene for autism? Or was that more on Bob's side of the family? I ask because I'm trying to imagine Cole with his own children and what his reaction would be like if they had crippling disability like autism or a desire to become a movie critic. Would he be sympathetic? Ashamed like Barb was of her children? Stunned? Would he become more understanding of his little brother-sister?
Click to expand...
Chris has autism because his dad was borderline elderly when he had Chris and they couldn't be arsed to be proper parents.
 
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