The Cole Smithey Thread

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AnOminous said:
I can't find that but I randomly wandered across this on some other site. It's Cole Smithey arguing that Spongebob is not just gay, but pedo bait.

"SpongeBob's best friend Patrick has a crush on the King's mermaid daughter — so that knocks him out of homoerotic contention for SpongeBob's affections. The only gay affiliation SpongeBob has in the movie is his physical connection with a scantily clad adult male (David Hasselhoff) and that is a pedophile connection that's supported by the text of which I've provided several examples. James Dobson et al. are wrong about SpongeBob: he isn't gay. It's much worse, for the right, the left, and everyone in between. He is attracted to older men, and therein lies the pro-pedophile propaganda at work here. I can't say whether or not this consciously crafted ploy is effective or not, but the attempt to push a brash new NAMBLA-like agenda is unmistakable. The questions that the religious right needs to ask are how and why they ever confused homosexuality with pedophilia. Not only does blurring this issue do gays a disservice, it lets SpongeBob get away with murder."

It's on a thread about the dumbest movie reviews you ever read, oh and it's on NeoGAF no less. Needless to say a few posts later people bring up his relation to his more famous brother Chris.
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Lul what an idiot. Everyone knows spongebob is a biting satire on the effect of traditional American social values upon a long suffering Everyman (squidward)
 
The Other Chandler said:
How does Cole make a living. Does his wife pay for everything? How did he survive before then? I mean, I can't imagine his career as a critic pays the bills. I can't find anything about him aside from his own website and youtube channel, rottentomatoes, the cwcki, and an article where Roger Ebert calls him an idiot.
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I like to assume he got the money from those "Guys night out" auctions before he met his wife.

Also, I want to see that article now.
 
AnOminous said:
I can't find that but I randomly wandered across this on some other site. It's Cole Smithey arguing that Spongebob is not just gay, but pedo bait.

"SpongeBob's best friend Patrick has a crush on the King's mermaid daughter — so that knocks him out of homoerotic contention for SpongeBob's affections. The only gay affiliation SpongeBob has in the movie is his physical connection with a scantily clad adult male (David Hasselhoff) and that is a pedophile connection that's supported by the text of which I've provided several examples. James Dobson et al. are wrong about SpongeBob: he isn't gay. It's much worse, for the right, the left, and everyone in between. He is attracted to older men, and therein lies the pro-pedophile propaganda at work here. I can't say whether or not this consciously crafted ploy is effective or not, but the attempt to push a brash new NAMBLA-like agenda is unmistakable. The questions that the religious right needs to ask are how and why they ever confused homosexuality with pedophilia. Not only does blurring this issue do gays a disservice, it lets SpongeBob get away with murder."

It's on a thread about the dumbest movie reviews you ever read, oh and it's on NeoGAF no less. Needless to say a few posts later people bring up his relation to his more famous brother Chris.
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I remember the Spongebob review. I think I posted the little blurb waaay back in the thread because it's my go to for showing people reviews by pretentious morons.
 
The Giver said:
Lul what an idiot. Everyone knows spongebob is a biting satire on the effect of traditional American social values upon a long suffering Everyman (squidward)
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That's how I see it! It's more painful the older you get!
 
Jewelsmakerguy said:
I like to assume he got the money from those "Guys night out" auctions before he met his wife.

Also, I want to see that article now.
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I can't imagine he actually paid his rent and expenses with those guys night out auctions though.

And here. It's not even an article, I blew it up in my imagination. It's Cole lurking the comment section and Roger replying. :oops: Naturally Cole's reply is pretentious and obnoxiously long. Ebert of course is completely gracious.

Some guy: I can't believe it. Cole Smithy, who brags he is "the most intelligent movie critic in the world," has just spoiled the perfect 100% rating of "Goodbye Solo" the TomatoMeter. All he writes is a short, shallow, idiotic dismissal. What an a$$hole.

Ebert: I went to look at it. What a pathetic review. A few generalities and some snarking at Tony Scott. One expects better from the most intelligent critic in the world.

Cole: In all fairness Roger, regarding "generalities," I was very specific about what I see as a glaring flaw in the screenwriting of "Goodbye Solo," where the author is far too in love with his leading character's name. I'm sure you know that this was a pet peeve of Cassavetes, and I dare say that "Goodbye Solo" is not on a par with films like "Opening Night" or "A Woman Under the Influence"--both very tangible examples of "neo-neo-realist" films.

I credited Tony for mis-branding the film as "neo-neo-realist" movie because I overheard someone quoting his review and was surprised to discover that he really had written it. He should know better. I stand by my opinion that "the film ["Goodbye Solo"] represents a barely competent script made gripping by an inspired director and two equally talented actors. Ramin Bahrani is a promising filmmaker who needs to work much harder at crafting dialogue and complete stories."

It's a capsule review for crying-out-loud.

A film like "Tulpan" puts "Goodbye Solo" to shame. Let's give credit where credit is due.

Love the dialogue.
Kindest regards,
Cole Smithey

Ebert: Well, we disagree, but I thank you for elaborating. I know what it's like to swim upstream in a river of rotten tomatoes. Just consider my review of "Knowing."

Trilby said:
That's how I see it! It's more painful the older you get!
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You either die a Spongebob or live long enough to see yourself become a Squidward.
 
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The Other Chandler said:
I can't imagine he actually paid his rent and expenses with those guys night out auctions though.
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Just speculation on my part. If that were the case, either he set the price too high, or people are that stupid.

But unless he comes out with it, I guess we'll never know. Because I doubt he even started reviewing until he met wifey. Or if he did, wasn't getting paid for it.
 
I think I got it: Chris began his life as SpongeBob, turned into Plankton after he discovered the trolls, and has metamorphosized into Mr. Krabs only in the last few years.

Cole is Squidward the unappreciated artist who hates his mother's cookies.
 
The fact that we are pretty much the extent of the "Cole Smithy fan base" and we only speculate on him because of his autistic tranny brother and in turn his heretic of a mother probably makes Cole die a little bit inside. Also the fact that Chris has made more money than Cole doing absolutely fucking nothing but begging for it while Cole spends hours editing shitty word salad movie reviews only to get a dozen a views on a good month provides countless lols.
 
Jewelsmakerguy said:
Just speculation on my part. If that were the case, either he set the price too high, or people are that stupid.

But unless he comes out with it, I guess we'll never know. Because I doubt he even started reviewing until he met wifey. Or if he did, wasn't getting paid for it.
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He can afford his rent at Carnegee Hall, apparently.
 
Kosher Dill said:
You know, I just realized, his real address is probably somewhere in the Carnegie Hill neighborhood in NYC. Chris and Barb just never heard of it and assumed Cole was living over a theater.
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Either that, or someone in another thread suggested that he might have sent them a postcard from Carnegie Hall and Chris just assumed that he lives there.
 
Henry Bemis said:
Liked, not loved, notably.

That lack of passion will make it difficult for this review to be noticed.
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To be fair, the last thing the world needs is one more review of the new Ghostbusters.

If there was ever a time people needed to stop listening to critics and just go see movies to decide for themselves, 2016 is it.
 
Is Cole's "talk about movies with me" shit still up on Ebay?

It would be awesome to buy it, then get refunded by Ebay when he refuses to talk about Chris / Barb for 2 hours.
 
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