Your Kiwi Dating Profile - for all you kissless basement dwelling virgins

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  • Name: Spunt
  • Age: Old
  • Gender: Forgot
  • What you are looking for: My car keys
  • Your qualities: I can tell if something is cheese or not just by eating it
  • Your flaws: I tend to forget the ... uh ... thingy
  • Something about yourself: My first computer was a Sinclair ZX Spectrum
 
FierceBrosnan said:
Name: Fierce Brosnan

Age: 36

Gender: Is not a social construct, fight me.

What I'm looking for: Someone innocent and easy to control that will will call me daddy.

Qualities: Birds, strong, works hard, insatiable sexual appetite, good at fixing things and could probably build a decent house given enough time.

Flaws: Workaholic, insatiable sexual appetite, goes from 0 to postal in about 5 seconds when something I'm convinced I'm finished working on decides to not be fixed, extremely burned out from life.

Something about me: Once you get to know me you find I'm more caring and empathetic than my demeanor lets on.
Click to expand...
Damn, you risk I keep you for myself...
 
Name: jandek
Age range: be legal... in human or dog years
Gender: good boy
What are you looking for: love... in all the wrong places... obviously
Your qualities: awww... yes, i am quality. ty
Your flaws: my looks are an acquired taste
Something about yourself: i like long walks
 
  • Name: Mein Garten
  • Age range: 5 years young
  • Gender: Male (not neutered) Kat
  • What are you looking for: Someone with some extra scruff who doesn't mind a spontaneous humping
  • Your qualities: General of the Kute Kitty Kat army, willingness to perform a genocide of dogs, non-smoker, owner of multiple watermelons
  • Your flaws: Poor eyesight, fear of the cold
  • Something about yourself: My penis is barbed for your pleasure 😉
 
Name: Murdoch Chan Fan
Age: old
Gender: Female (not a trap)
What I’m looking for: someone who tolerates me (oh wait I already found someone) :p
Qualities: good at cleaning (only a hint of OCD)
Flaws: cries a lot
Something about myself: oddish is my favorite pokemon
 
  • Name: Pissmaster
  • Age range: Millennial
  • Gender: Cisgender Aryan White Male
  • What are you looking for: Revenge
  • Your qualities: Funny
  • Your flaws: Fat
  • Something about yourself: I make six figures on Fiverr solely out of my service where I will go anywhere and say the N-word in public for just $49.99.
 
Last edited:
Name: Shmidty Werbenmanjenson

Age: Like 28ish

Gender: Guy

What you are looking for: Someone who can load clay from a UTV into an automatic brick compressor at the rate of 1000 pounds an hour.

Your qualities: I can lift a horse over my head and have done electrical work, plumbing, beekeeping, ranching, and roofs.

Your flaws: I look like Jeffrey Dahmer if he was on roids and also homeless.

Something about yourself: I didn't bring my lighter today, so I lit my cigarette by dipping a few paper towels in gasoline and sparking it with the welder flint. Then got close enough by laying on my belly and shimmying close to the small bonfire like a nicotine deprived snake.
 
Name - Joseph Sean Lemoine
Age Range - 46
Gender - Mosquito
What are you looking for - Consluts and Victor Lasagna's GFM
Your qualities - I am an expert lawyer. A super lawyer, if you will. I am an expert in the field of Texas Anti-SLAPP cases. I also can make a lot of money from my clients. I can please any woman or man with my skills in the court room.
Your flaws - I sound like General Grievous with pneumonia on a good day.
Something about yourself - The mosquito costume stays on during sex.
 
Just imagine the two people who meet here hoping to find someone to exploit and dox, only to find at the end that they've both catfished each other and humiliated a fictional person. It'd be like the Piña Colada song.
 
Name: PururinSenpai
Age range: Heh, yeah.
Gender: Ask your mom.
What are you looking for: A nice, caring and funny person who has a good idea of what they want to do in life.
Your qualities: I'll draw and play vidya with you.
Your flaws: I spend too much of my time indoors, shitposting on cyberbully forums.
Something about yourself: I enjoy literally anything that resembles 2000s internet culture/the pre-corperate internet.
 
Name: B-1B, But everyone calls me BONE_Buddy.

Age: I was built 31 years ago.

Gender: Supersonic Heavy Strategic Bomber

Looking For: Someone who doesn't mind doing a little TLC, and has an interest in combat aviation.

My Qualities: People have described me as quick, capable, and a heavy lifter.

My Flaws: Due to circumstances outside of my control, I have been a difficult bird to maintain and repair.

Something about myself: I can carry 5,000 lb more payload that that B-52 guy.
 
  • Name: Overcast
  • Age range: 25-30
  • Gender: 100% Ma-male.
  • What are you looking for: A girl who's kind, pretty, nurturing, but also doesn't take shit and can kick my ass into gear. Speaking of ass, you should have one as well.
  • Your qualities: Independent, can tell bad jokes that will make you laugh anyway. Knows a shit ton of useless facts.
  • Your flaws: Socially awkward, spends way too much time on a forum filled with weirdos, a bit of a nitpicker and a shit stirrer.
  • Something about yourself: I like to play on the keyboard. Don't know any songs, it's just fun to play around on.
 
  • Name: Asshole
  • Age Range: 28 to 56
  • Gender: Toxic Male
  • What are you looking for: redhead, freckles with a decent BMI and a tolerance for shit posting and geek shit. Also not a sociopath but that's optional.
  • Your qualities: Highly Educated misanthrope. I can learn you any subject you want in a sarcastic manner. Writer. Storyteller. Poet. Bard.
  • Your Flaws: Highly educated misanthrope. Poor. Attracted to sociopaths and has trust issues that would make Dr. House blush. Former SA member. Former SASS member. Kiwifarms Janitor. I do it for free.
  • Something About Yourself: I wrote a thesis in forensic psychology on the worst human beings in the world and it was so well written and researched my professor still has nightmares about them to this day.
 
  • Name - fag
  • Age range - zaddies only apply 😚
  • Gender - fag
  • What are you looking for - hot poz zaddy to conquer and poz my neg hole into oblivion
  • Your qualities - young and nubile twink with no gag reflex & is also flexible in all the right places 😉
  • Your flaws - this tight neg hole and my utterly flaming homosexual personality
  • Something about yourself - gay sex is truly and utterly disgusting and I hate it
 
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