The Cole Smithey Thread

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ChurchOfGodBear said:
As much as I think Cole is a useless prick (and I do) this Rotten Tomatoes thing does need to be addressed. It's absurd how much importance is placed on this score, especially when said score can be derailed by a guy whose only qualifications are taking selfies in black and white and having a sped half brother.
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People taking rt so seriously is just internet nerds being massive faggots. The fact that cole got so many people assblasted is merely a end result for that.
 
de_DEVIL_tails said:
People taking rt so seriously is just internet nerds being massive faggots. The fact that cole got so many people assblasted is merely a end result for that.
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I don't remember when but I remember seeing movies advertising "Certified Fresh" online, so Hollywood definitely cares to some extent
 
MechanicalHugbox said:
I don't remember when but I remember seeing movies advertising "Certified Fresh" online, so Hollywood definitely cares to some extent
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Personally i think the one reason why they use it as an index is because its an established rateing site that normies talk about. I could be wrong though, but the fact that people honestly care this hard in the first place is pretty lulzy
 
de_DEVIL_tails said:
Personally i think the one reason why they use it as an index is because its an established rateing site that normies talk about. I could be wrong though, but the fact that people honestly care this hard in the first place is pretty lulzy
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The internet culture has allowed even the normiest of normies to be informed of a movies quality, or atleast ranking. For Hollywood this is a curse because lazy movies make less, but movies that pander to a specific demographic (internet weirdos who's shitposting got rotten tomatoes certified) make more money
 
ChurchOfGodBear said:
As much as I think Cole is a useless prick (and I do) this Rotten Tomatoes thing does need to be addressed. It's absurd how much importance is placed on this score, especially when said score can be derailed by a guy whose only qualifications are taking selfies in black and white and having a sped half brother.
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Especially when he gets maybe 1% of the views of any random cat video. The only time anyone pays any attention to him is when he pulls some douche move that makes a few outlets say "what a douchebag."
 
ChurchOfGodBear said:
As much as I think Cole is a useless prick (and I do) this Rotten Tomatoes thing does need to be addressed. It's absurd how much importance is placed on this score, especially when said score can be derailed by a guy whose only qualifications are taking selfies in black and white and having a sped half brother.
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The industry cares so much about Rotten Tomatoes because most people are lazy and want a fast, simple way to see how "good" a movie is, even though it's incredibly subjective.

Can't blame them either, most moviegoers aren't critics who give a huge shit about plot structure, acting, music, color grading, etc., they're regular people who want to hang out with friends for a couple hours and be entertained. It's not worth spending half the movie's runtime and possibly spoiling the ending looking up and watching a bunch of reviews if you just wanna go to the theater to waste 90 minutes.
 
ChurchOfGodBear said:
As much as I think Cole is a useless prick (and I do) this Rotten Tomatoes thing does need to be addressed. It's absurd how much importance is placed on this score, especially when said score can be derailed by a guy whose only qualifications are taking selfies in black and white and having a sped half brother.
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It's such a weird system. The closest I can think of for any other medium is RateYourMusic ratings, which don't mean much of shit because you can rate music you haven't heard and anyone can do it. Although now that I think about it, a lot of the people on there are exactly like Cole. Look through any "well-known" user's low scores and you'll see a bunch of critically acclaimed artists like David Bowie that they've intentionally scored low just to go against the grain. Their higher scores are reserved for compilations of Tunisian folk music and Bulgarian post-punk that six people have listened to on the whole site. And even those guys are more successful as critics because they end up with orbiters trying to mirror their taste on a fucking music cataloguing website.

The reviews sections are usually at about Cole's level of pretentious nonsense, and the site also catalogues films, so if Cole had started his reviewing shtick in the late 2000s he'd be yelling into the void on there instead of somehow still having an influence on the Rotten Tomatoes score.
 
The problem isn't that RT aggregates reviews; it's that the site reduces every review to a binary "rotten" or "fresh" rating. (Which, now that I think of it, isn't dissimilar to how Beavis and Butthead would classify every video they watched as either "cool" or "sucks".)

A critic can write a thoughtful nuanced review, point out a few imperfections in a film, give the film a C+ grade (or a rating of 3/5 stars) and RT will consider it just as rotten as The Room or Freddy Got Fingered. A different critic can see the same film with the same imperfections, be less bothered by them, give the film a B- or 3.5 stars, and RT considers it fresh (and on a par with Citizen Kane or The Godfather).

So, really, what it comes down to is that the perfect film (by RT standards) is something that is competently made and moderately entertaining but plays it safe by not containing any content or flaws that may evoke a negative critical reaction.
 
Muscle Bra said:
A critic can write a thoughtful nuanced review, point out a few imperfections in a film, give the film a C+ grade (or a rating of 3/5 stars) and RT will consider it just as rotten as The Room or Freddy Got Fingered. A different critic can see the same film with the same imperfections, be less bothered by them, give the film a B- or 3.5 stars, and RT considers it fresh (and on a par with Citizen Kane or The Godfather).
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Whether a review is considered "rotten" or "fresh" is entirely up to the person submitting the review, they get to choose. 3/5 is an often contested score that frequently goes in either direction purely at the discretion of the critic. It's not assigned automatically based on score/formula.
 
I think the real thing regular people care about (in my experience) is not how good a film is but what to expect. Most people I know who like action, comedy, horror etc are happy to sit through a mediocre or even bad film as long as it has the atmosphere of their genre. But when people go expecting a comedy and get some offbeat art film they don't get - I think a review should give you a warning of what the film is. Like people who didn't like Drive or went to see "Meet Joe Black" thinking it was a romantic comedy. Or a blockbuster trying to be arty like Hulk.
 
Cole is a bald old hipster who exists solely to be discussed on Kiwi Farms and occasionally piss off Film Twitter by ruining 100% scores on a review aggregation website he flunked his way into just by being old. Also, "fresh" and "rotten" is even more fucking pointless than RYM's 0.5-5 system. That's akin to like/dislike on YouTube except only certain users can do it.

Off the topic of the merits of aggregate scores, but Cole is a craft beer man, as he mentioned in his eBay listings where he tried to auction off a night in his company. I know nothing about fancy beer because I'm poor, but I'm curious if his taste in beer is as deliberately contrarian as his taste in film. Is there some limited edition IPA that tastes like sand with an aftertaste of blood that he's really into?
 
Louis Theroux said:
Cole is a bald old hipster who exists solely to be discussed on Kiwi Farms and occasionally piss off Film Twitter by ruining 100% scores on a review aggregation website he flunked his way into just by being old. Also, "fresh" and "rotten" is even more fucking pointless than RYM's 0.5-5 system. That's akin to like/dislike on YouTube except only certain users can do it.

Off the topic of the merits of aggregate scores, but Cole is a craft beer man, as he mentioned in his eBay listings where he tried to auction off a night in his company. I know nothing about fancy beer because I'm poor, but I'm curious if his taste in beer is as deliberately contrarian as his taste in film. Is there some limited edition IPA that tastes like sand with an aftertaste of blood that he's really into?
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IPA beer is like overpriced wine. You think you're buying something that's better but really it's just a marketing gimmick that microbreweries hit on to make more money off their limited production capacity. Unless you're drinking Pabst or Natty light, your beer is just fine.

Reminds me of the John Cleese wine documentary where he tricks wine snobs into liking 10 dollar bottles. Just drink what you like.

So yeah, Cole is just being a giant douche as usual.

BurningPewter said:
I think the real thing regular people care about (in my experience) is not how good a film is but what to expect. Most people I know who like action, comedy, horror etc are happy to sit through a mediocre or even bad film as long as it has the atmosphere of their genre. But when people go expecting a comedy and get some offbeat art film they don't get - I think a review should give you a warning of what the film is. Like people who didn't like Drive or went to see "Meet Joe Black" thinking it was a romantic comedy. Or a blockbuster trying to be arty like Hulk.
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Good is subjective. Some people like the Star Wars prequels. I found them to be okay but nowhere near as bad as people make them out to be. I also love people who act like every movie has to be Citizen Kane. I personally love watching Ahnuld films because they are goofy action movies that are supposed to be over the top with one liners and ridiculous deaths.

Now I did go see Wicker Park with a friend when it came out because the trailer makes it seem like a psychological thriller and not a rom-com. We were so pissed when we realized we had been duped. Being two 18 year old males we instantly thought that it made us look faggy. Now I laugh my ass off at what happened. The trailer is the biggest liar I've seen in a long time.
 
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I wish barb had shot him on accident so he wouldn't have grown up to be an ungrateful shit who won't even patch up his own mother's holey buttocks
 
Flowers For Sonichu said:
I wish barb had shot him on accident so he wouldn't have grown up to be an ungrateful shit who won't even patch up his own mother's holey buttocks
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I have a feeling that he made that story up. He revels in attention, hence his stupid title (that Roger Ebert mocked) and tendency to just be an iconoclast out of the sheer attention seeking.
 
Flowers For Sonichu said:
I wish barb had shot him on accident so he wouldn't have grown up to be an ungrateful shit who won't even patch up his own mother's holey buttocks
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Maxliam said:
I have a feeling that he made that story up. He revels in attention, hence his stupid title (that Roger Ebert mocked) and tendency to just be an iconoclast out of the sheer attention seeking.
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Yeah, that story was 100% bullshit.
 
welcometotherock said:
I've always wondered precisely what it was that Bob did to Cole that made him promise to dance on his grave. I'm not saying our beloved internet lumberjack was a perfect parent given how Chris turned out, but the kind of hatred Cole has (or had, idk if he still has the grudge) is something that doesn't come about overnight.
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You'd think that even if Cole didn't like Bob, he'd suck up to him just so he could get his mitts on Bob's record collection. Cole seems like the type to play ethnicky jazz to parade his snazz on his five grand stereo to impress all his hipster soyboy fruity friends.
 
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