Something Awful and Friends - The roller-coaster train-wreck embarrassing downfall of a Web 1.0 giant and its tick offspring like from Cloverfield

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What are the odds that one of the reasons LowT's daughter is so messed up and anxious is that she made the mistake of asking Dad for a copy of Minecraft for Christmas? Why wouldn't she? It's just a fun lil cute game that all her friends play and it would seem like an innocent thing to ask. But LowT went full pillhead spaz retard on her and melted down for half an hour screaming WE WILL NOT USE THAT WORD IN THIS HOUSEHOLD YOUNG LADY GOOF TROOP!

And I got another 1984 themed SA copypasta:

Why did you have to endure it, since the end was always the same? Why was it not possible to cut a few days or weeks out of your account? Nobody ever escaped detection, and nobody ever failed to confess. When once you had succumbed to thoughtcrime it was certain that by a given date you would be banned. Why then did that horror, which altered nothing, have to lie embedded in future time?

He tried with a little more success than before to summon up the image of Admin5. 'We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness,' Admin5 had said to him. He knew what it meant, or thought he knew. The place where there is no darkness was the imagined future, which one would never see, but which, by foreknowledge, one could mystically share in. But with the voice from the telescreen nagging at his ears he could not follow the train of thought further. He put a cigarette in his mouth. Half the tobacco promptly fell out on to his tongue, a bitter dust which was difficult to spit out again. The face of Lowtax swam into his mind, displacing that of Admin5. Just as he had done a few days earlier, he slid a coin out of his pocket and looked at it. The face gazed up at him, heavy, calm, protecting: but what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark goatee? Like a leaden knell the words came back at him:

DON'T FUCKING BUY IT
DON'T FUCKING DRINK IT
DON'T FUCKING CLICK MY LINKS
 
Lowtax has already given up on his podcast. He hasn't released a new episode in two months.
 
jace821 said:
Lowtax has already given up on his podcast. He hasn't released a new episode in two months.
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Instead of having any sort of release schedule he and his pal just kind of kept shitting one out every few days until they got tired of doing them. Given they weren't really designed to be tied to current events, he could've sat on that backlog and easily developed some sort of consistent, weekly schedule, but, you know, his planning isn't the best.

It's been a pattern really, he gets really excited about something, overdoes it, and then gets burnt out on it for months/years/forever.

With the podcasts it's pretty bad though because all it would've taken was the least bit of restraint to not immediately press 'upload' on every new episode they did. Long stretches of inactivity combined with inconsistent release schedules are death on YouTube for anyone not named JonTron.
 
I'm sure most people have better things to do than spend 3 hours on a Friday night with some Internet 1.0 has-been talking about all the 17 cent asset flip games he bought on Steam.
 
I love the 1984 copy pasta, so here's mine:

Whatever Something Awful holds to be the truth, is truth. It is impossible to see reality except by looking through the eyes of Something Awful. That is the fact that you have got to relearn, Winston Goon. It needs an act of self-destruction, an effort of the will. You must humble yourself before you can become sane.’

He paused for a few moments, as though to allow what he had been saying to sink in.

‘Do you remember,’ he went on, ‘writing in your diary, “Freedom is the freedom to say that comedy forums should have comedy”?’

‘Yes,’ said Winston Goon.

O'Brien held up his left hand, its back towards Winston Goon, with the thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.

‘How many fingers am I holding up, Winston Goon?’

‘Four.’

‘And if Something Awful says those fingers means social justice is better than comedy — then what is true?’

‘Comedy.’

The word ended in a gasp of pain. The needle of the dial had shot up to fifty-five. The sweat had sprung out all over Winston Goon's body. The air tore into his lungs and issued again in deep groans which even by clenching his teeth he could not stop. O'Brien watched him, the fingers still extended. He drew back the lever. This time the pain was only slightly eased.

‘What are they, Winston Goon?’

‘Comedy.’

The needle went up to sixty.

‘How many fingers, Winston Goon?’

‘Comedy! Comedy! What else can I say? Comedy!’

The needle must have risen again, but he did not look at it. The heavy, stern face and the four fingers filled his vision. The fingers stood up before his eyes like pillars, enormous, blurry, and seeming to vibrate, but unmistakably representing Comedy.

‘What are they, Winston Goon?’

‘Comedy! Stop it, stop it! How can you go on? Comedy! Comedy!’

‘What are they, Winston Goon?’

‘Social Justice! Social Justice! Social Justice!’

‘No, Winston Goon, that is no use. You are lying. You still think there are representing Comedy. What are they, please?’

‘Comedy! Social Justice! Comedy! Anything you like. Only stop it, stop the pain!’

Abruptly he was sitting up with O'Brien's arm round his shoulders. He had perhaps lost consciousness for a few seconds. The bonds that had held his body down were loosened. He felt very cold, he was shaking uncontrollably, his teeth were chattering, the tears were rolling down his cheeks. For a moment he clung to O'Brien like a baby, curiously comforted by the heavy arm round his shoulders. He had the feeling that O'Brien was his protector, that the pain was something that came from outside, from some other source, and that it was O'Brien who would save him from it.

‘You are a slow learner, Winston Goon,’ said O'Brien gently.

‘How can I help it?’ he blubbered. ‘How can I help seeing what is in front of my eyes? Two and two are Comedy.’

‘Sometimes, Winston Goon. Sometimes they are Social Justice. Sometimes they are representing Comedy. Sometimes they are all of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane.’
 
CharlesBarkley said:
We are still talking about goons right? Because, if so, uh...
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Well let me rephrase that. Anyone who could make an interesting, enjoyable podcast people might actually want to listen to would have better things to do....

And why doesn't LowT actually play some good games? I know his channel is called "Gaming Garbage" but even back in SA's earliest days LowT played some good games in between the shit ones. Nobody wants to watch 'Unity asset flip #3875" and "Babby's first Gamemaker game #3909" over and over and over again.

And inflatable clown punching bag impersonator Jim "Hambone" Sterling has got the Steam shit video niche covered. And he does a better job at it! When Jim "Cuckold Connoisseur" Sterling can do your job better than you can maybe it's time to consider a change of employment. I'm thinking Taco Bell for LowT's next career move.
 
BALLZ-BROKEN said:
I'm thinking Taco Bell for LowT's next career move.
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Pffft, LowT wouldn't last a week at Taco Bell. Not joking here, I honestly think he's not capable of it. Being a lazy, lazy 40something whose never been in the workforce in a serious way, he wouldn't have the discipline or fortitude to work a shit job he no doubt considers beneath him.

You know those shitty jobs we all had to take when we were young, which gave us the experience to move up to less shitty jobs? LowT never did any of that. So besides not learning many skills, he also missed out on the character building bullshit; forcing yourself to put in the hours on tedious tasks you hate, showing up everyday and on time, dealing with asshole customers, coworkers, and bosses, learning to manage your partying, ect, ect. Skipping this important step to adulthood has made his incapable of most forms of employment.

Still, it's amusing to picture LT working at Taco Bell. I imagine some teenager would have to attempt to teach him to use a register, which he would fail at. Then some trailer trash tweeker or ghetto hootchie mama would get up in his face for screwing up their order, at which point he would run away and quit. About the best I can see for him after SA is maybe his mom getting him a low level admin assistant job in local government, which he would be starting 20 years behind his peers.
 
BleedingGumsGriffy said:
Still, it's amusing to picture LT working at Taco Bell. I imagine some teenager would have to attempt to teach him to use a register, which he would fail at. Then some trailer trash tweeker or ghetto hootchie mama would get up in his face for screwing up their order, at which point he would run away and quit.
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I don't have Photoshop installed currently, someone put lowtax into this:

 
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I was wondering if his podcast was his attempt to try and get in with his co-host's real gig as a radio talk show host. The channel his co-host is on has slowly transformed from a type of non-political talk channel for late 20/30 somethings into this weird "we swear we're not political but Trump sucks you guys" bitchfest. Weir's content has shifted towards more political bullshit too so I'm wondering if LowT soured his relationship with Weir by trying to get an easy gig at the station.
 
The """""comedy""""" Lowtax posts on twitter is depression-inducing:
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What the fuck does this even mean? It's like the kind of thing a bot would generate.

Also:
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It's probably a good thing LowT doesn't hang out on his own forum. A constant flood of aggressively unfunny humor is the last thing Something Awful needs.
 
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