Serious answer, I'm a combination of little-l libertarian and Republican who usually votes for the latter while recognizing that the GOP wants to control us just as much as the Democrats but in different ways and the Libertarian party is too crazy and neckbearded to get elected anytime soon.
I believe in lower taxes, lower spending, and lower (but not no) regulation. I believe that the second amendment is an absolute right, should apply to machine guns and other military hardware, and has nothing to do with hunting or target shooting. I believe that the first amendment is an absolute right and is all about protecting the unpopular, crazy, hateful, or just plain minority beliefs. I don't see why abortion should be illegal while the fetus is not viable, nor why many drugs should be illegal at all. I don't think the government should have any business with marriage whatsoever but as long as it's butting in, it should apply to gay couples and probably even multiple-partner relationships as well as straight monogamous couples. I DON'T believe a gay or polygamous couple, or straight couple for that matter, should be allowed to force a church to recognize or officiate their union, or a business to supply it.
I believe in a strong national defense but less national offense. I believe we should cut defense spending but from procurement, not personnel pay and benefits; when you have a dogshit program like the F-35 costing hundreds of billions before it leaves the ground and running competition after competition to replace the service rifle without ever actually replacing the service rifle you know you're fucking up and need to slap the shit out of some contractors. I believe we need the NSA, the CIA, and the NRO but they've overstepped their bounds by miles and need to be reigned in and not focus on US citizens.
I believe in NASA, the NSF, the CDC, DARPA, and the NIH, but think they fund some wacky shit they probably shouldn't. I believe the NEA and the Department of Education should be gutted. The government has very little business funding arts, and education is better handled on a local level, especially with spending shooting up with fuckall to show for it. Frankly, a lot of things are better handled on a local level.
I believe in short-term unemployment and maybe even a little bit of things like WIC and energy assistance but that we should phase out social security and tell people they need to plan for their own retirement. I believe that the health care system should be reformed but the way it was done with the ACA is the most ass-backwards way it could possibly have been done and fucked things up for years to come.
I believe we should have less focus on fossil fuels but should be allowing further exploration of the reserves we have, using safe and mature technologies like nuclear instead of inefficient ones like solar and wind to cover the current gap, and researching more into biofuels. Algae is very promising. I don't believe we should be subsidizing corn for ethanol, or really almost any crop for any reason. I don't believe anybody should be forced to join a union but that people should be able to join one if they desire, and also that businesses should be able to fire employees for attempting to unionize or strike if they desire. Freedom of association cuts both ways.
Finally, I believe the test posted in the OP is poorly worded and designed, and here are two better ones:
I Side With and
The Political Compass
