Martial arts lolcows

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sasazuka said:
Is there even any legit martial art that involves pulling out a switchblade instead of a sword?
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Actually yes there is. The Filipino martial art of escrima has as part of it's repertoire knife fighting. Typically what you see is using rattan sticks but the original form which is still practiced uses the bolo which is similar to a machete. There are also styles that use the balisong or butterfly knife.

The stabby stabby thing he's doing however is something completely different and not part of any martial art I've ever seen. Commander Stryker gave a more convincing demonstration in one of his loadout videos.

When he's miming stabbing someone, it seems only a notch or two below "using a gun" on the "you're doing martial arts wrong" scale.
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Oh it's definitely up there on the side of stuff you shouldn't be doing.
 
New video, "the top martial artist in America" accidentally cuts himself with his own knife while vaguely threatening imaginary sparring opponents he thinks may be watching his video.

 
If I may, I'd like to bring your attention to the "Empty Force", or EFO.

This "art" has been developed by one Mr. Jukka Lampila of Kouvola, Finland, and it is based on the use of... well I actually can't make out even from their own writings (http://www.efofinland.net/) how its supposed to work, spiritual energy something something.


Basically demonstrations involve Mr. Lampila, wearing a ridiculous, pseudo-oriental outfit, being really slowly grabbed by one of his minions, who immediately starts to flop around like a dead fish. It is fascinating to ponder, what can lead someone to want to believe in a bullshit martial art that desperately.

Now, you may wonder what happens when the Grand Master tries this on someone who doesn't desperately want it to work. Luckily, someone filmed just such an encounter in a seminar (participants actually had to pay to attend) in Spain.

 
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Sc4rface said:
Mr. Lampila, wearing a ridiculous, pseudo-oriental outfit,
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Or as we call it in the Kendo / Iaido world a hakama.

20130531234712-hakama.jpg
 
There's a pretty lulzy video of a Florida woman performing a sword kata with lots of screaming:


Best part? Later convicted of sending noodz to an 11-year-old student at her school. (Sorry, there's no good way to link her entry exactly; Ctrl-F for her name or whatever.)
 
Can't say where or who without powerleveling, but when I was at University I attended a "Classical Jujutsu" class and the instructor was a maniac that could be a lolcow in his own right. He referred to his course as "traditional Japanese jujutsu" in spite of being a European that cobbled the style together from Judo and Aikido. He hit on a lot of the Bullshido warning signs: created his own "style", frequently decried other martial arts styles as sports rather than "combat arts" (and no, not just Taekwondo, he legit said this about MCMAP), talked unironically about "using the power of your chi" and "secret lethal techniques...To top it all off the black belts in his style had to get a secret tattoo on their forearms. But his most annoying habit was taking huge chunks of class time (twice in one semester he derailed an ENTIRE CLASS PERIOD) to sperg about politics.

Which included being anti-gun, because for whatever reason it makes more sense to summon your chi powers when someone breaks into your house instead of reaching for a pistol or shotgun. I mean I know you gotta sell your system, but if someone is armed with a knife and I got to grapple them I'm kind of fucked.

sasazuka said:
Is there even any legit martial art that involves pulling out a switchblade instead of a sword?

When he's miming stabbing someone, it seems only a notch or two below "using a gun" on the "you're doing martial arts wrong" scale.
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That's the Italian mafia martial art of "Stabghetti". Instead of Hi-ya you say "Ravioli ravioli you're getting stabbed in the kidneoli."
 
The Shadow said:
if someone is armed with a knife and I got to grapple them I'm kind of fucked.
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Slightly :offtopic:but about half of all people who get stabbed are stabbed with their own knife. Seriously, fights are the truest form of communism; any weapon you bring belongs just as much to your opponent as it does to you. Any useful martial art will teach you unarmed-against-armed, and that your best tactic in any fight is to not be in a fight, whether you have a weapon or not.

Phil Ken Sebben said:
Actually yes there is. The Filipino martial art of escrima has as part of it's repertoire knife fighting. Typically what you see is using rattan sticks but the original form which is still practiced uses the bolo which is similar to a machete. There are also styles that use the balisong or butterfly knife.
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HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts) also teaches knife/dagger alongside sword and unarmed, and since it's all based on actual medieval fighting manuals it's surprisingly useable even in modern day. But then, HEMA also teaches you that the best strategy in any fight is to not be in a fight, and has "run the fuck away" as a valid technique. />sperg
 
Amusingly, Seagal has a rep for getting cross-threaded with other action-movie stars and martial artists, including (yep) Jean-Claude Van Damme (who happily offered to duke it out with Seagal over his martial arts repertoire; Seagal ran away from him.), Gene LeBell (a ruthless judoka and MMA trainer who worked with Bruce Lee), and pro wrestler Curt Hennig (no details on that one, sadly).

Chuck Norris really doesn't qualify for lolcow status; despite his outspoken conservative politics, he's pretty quiet. Of course, there's the hilarious story of the time two guys tried to mug him. With knives. It ended with an uninjured Norris, and two guys with compound fractures in both arms. Sometimes, the other guy really IS a close-combat monster, and you shouldn't provoke him. :D
 
A martial arts lolcow thread? Neat.

Fun fact, this was the first thread unrelated to either Deagle Nation or Chris that I read on Kiwi Farms back when I was a lurker.

I don't really practice martial arts but I always found it to be an interesting subject to read about and learn the history of, at least in a casual "just for fun" sort of way.

I don't have much to say since the thread has pretty much already covered the big ones like Frank Dux and Ashida Kim, and Ron Collins has his own thread.

Oddly enough, in a bit of lolcow overlap, Ron Collins claims to have been trained by Ashida Kim.

I'm wondering if Black Belt Magazine has been mentioned in this thread yet, because Black Belt Magazine is to martial artists what Soldier of Fortune Magazine is to military and paramilitary guys.

Both Soldier of Fortune and Black Belt were founded by actual legit people in their trade (the guy who started Soldier of Fortune actually was in the Army during Vietnam, IIRC) and once in a while, occasionally you may get some quality articles from legitimately qualified experts.

But any real martial artist considers Black Belt Magazine to be a joke, same goes for military guys and Soldier of Fortune. The main demographic for both of those publications are pathetic wannabe tough guys, fakers, and lolcows of all sorts.

See, 90% of the content in both magazines is exaggerated and hyperbolic tough guy nonsense and general macho woo mixed in with advertisements for impractical garbage.

Soldier of Fortune often ran ads for backyard militias and amateur mercenary groups that were often times resembling a real-life version of Deagle Nation, although SoF stopped those ads after a slew of criminal negligence lawsuits and one of these backyard mercenary wannabes getting publicly executed by the government of Angola while to this day, Black Belt Magazine is an advertising godsend for strip mall McDojos.

And both magazines famously liked to shill knives, swords, nunchaku, self-defense items, and other shoddy mall ninja shit that guys like ADF go crazy for.

Soldier of Fortune went to online publication only way back in 2016, while last I checked, Black Belt Magazine still has print copies, but more of their articles are focused online now.

Speaking of which, I wonder if we can get a Community Watch thread for paramilitary lolcows?

There's a wealth of material out there such as the Militia Movement, Stolen Valor types, mall ninjas of every stripe, tactical dorks, airsoft lolcows, reeanctment farbs, and the recent phenomenon of both war otaku and Wehraboos in the greater weeb community.

All of those communities are lulzy but could not justify a whole thread to themselves but I could see a general thread for military and paramilitary lolcows since a lot of these groups either overlap or share similar lolcow traits.

I might start a thread for it in Community Watch but I may need help with the archiving and formatting.
 
Syaoran Li said:
Speaking of which, I wonder if we can get a Community Watch thread for paramilitary lolcows?

There's a wealth of material out there such as the Militia Movement, Stolen Valor types, mall ninjas of every stripe, tactical dorks, airsoft lolcows, reeanctment farbs, and the recent phenomenon of both war otaku and Wehraboos in the greater weeb community.

All of those communities are lulzy but could not justify a whole thread to themselves but I could see a general thread for military and paramilitary lolcows since a lot of these groups either overlap or share similar lolcow traits.
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We have a thread about the militia movement here.
 
AprilRains said:
Best ninjutsu instructor ever! (archive)

View attachment 883726

This is like one of those puzzles where you count the errors in the picture. I won't spoil the fun for you.
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Shit he'll teach me the mysterious arts of "Jumping High" "Breathe Underwater" "Control Animals", "Sword", and "Uzi"?

It is just me or does Uzi seem just a little out of place, by the way?

Do you think you get a discount if you're already trained in battle dancing?
 
AprilRains said:
Best ninjutsu instructor ever! (archive)

View attachment 883726

This is like one of those puzzles where you count the errors in the picture. I won't spoil the fun for you.
Click to expand...
'Throwing sharps' makes me giggle at the image of this guy hurling a plastic box full of used surgical pointy-things at someone.
Hospitals and clinics have dedicated, hard-sided boxes for disposal of needles, scalpel blades, etc. Such material is referred to as 'sharps', and because of the dangers of blood-borne contamination, is labeled and handled as a biohazard.

Personally, I thought the RealUltimatePower guy did this schtick better, but it IS funny.
 
This is an underrated thread.

Back before the coronavirus hit, I saw an ad posted to a billboard at a local sports centre where a guy that claimed to be a " former Norwegian kickboxing champion" offered to teach "Self-defense for women only". My first thought was that this was a really lame attempt at scoring with chicks.
 
The Knife's Husbando said:
This.

And this isn't even bringing melee weapons into the equation. I used to do Kendo and heavy armor melee fighting in the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms). Even with proper armor- proper training & knowledgeable participants, trainers & referees- it's a dangerous pastime.

The idea of a fully-trained Lolcow chimping out with a bokken, a SCA rattan sword- or god forbid- a live steel blade is terrifying.
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There is no such thing as a fully trained lolcow. That would be an excentric athlete.
People become lolcows because they are too lazy and incompetent to succed at anything and then engage in online antics as they try to cope with being losers.
 
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