Martial arts lolcows

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Holdek

Down to where? All that is down is only the floor.
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Feb 3, 2013
There are some pretty funny martial arts lolcows out there. A good place to find them is at www.bullshido.net, which does exposés on some of them (even though Bullshido members are kind of lolcows themselves, issuing challenge duels and stuff).


The original grandmaster of the lulz was a guy by the name of Count Dante:

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A hairdresser by profession, in the 1960s he began putting out these kinds of ads in comic books:

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Text said:
Yes, this is the DEADLIEST and most TERRIFYING fighting art known to man—and WITHOUT EQUAL. Its MAIMING, MUTILATING, DISFIGURING, PARALYZING and CRIPPLING techniques are known by only a few people in the world. An expert at DIM MAK could easily kill many Judo, Karate, Kung Fu, Aikido, and Gung Fu experts at one time with only finger-tip pressure using his murderous POISON HAND WEAPONS. Instructing you step by step thru each move in this manual is none other than COUNT DANTE — THE DEADLIEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED.

The lulz eventually became srs business during the Dojo Wars:

On July 22, 1965, Dante was charged with attempted arson when he and an accomplice, Douglas Dwyer (The Second Deadliest Man Alive), were arrested while taping dynamite caps to a rival Chicago dojo. Both claimed to be under the influence of alcohol at the time but Dante explained this was the result of a disagreement with the dojo's owner over payment for a tournament that Dante had arranged there.

The various enmities culminated in the Dojo War incident of April 24, 1970 where Dante and some of his students went to a rival dojo of the Green Dragon Society's Black Cobra Hall. According to press coverage, upon entering the school, they claimed to be police officers and attacked the rival dojo's students. The brief battle resulted in the death of one of Dante's friends and fellow sensei, Jim Koncevic.

Former mob lawyer Robert Cooley states in his autobiography When Corruption was King that he represented Count Dante during the trial following the 1970 Dojo War incident. Cooley recalls that Dante was ultimately acquitted but not before both sides were given a stern lecture by the judge citing everyone at fault.

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Count_Dante#The_Dojo_Wars)


Out of this madness sprung a generation of lolninjas, some of whom claim lineage to Dante's organization. My favorites are Frank Dux and Ashida Kim. The first you may have heard of, as his tales of fighting in underground, no-holds barred, international "kumite" matches were the inspiration behind the Jean Claude Van Damme vehicle and nonetheless awesome movie Bloodsport (also featuring a young, future Academy Award winner Forest Whitaker in a small role). There has been a fair amount of debate over whether or not these kumites really happened, if Dux participated in them, if he really was a secret agent for the government, etc. Some of this came out when Dux sued Van Damme over breach of contract, the trial for which was covered live by Court TV (Dux lost).

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That's Dux on the right.


And on the left is "Ashida Kim," power word: Radford Davis. He is perhaps the most infamous of all karate lolcows, both due to his antics and his trollability.

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Highlight reel:

Yes, you can buy books on his website where he shows you how to levitate:
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Bullshido investigation and call-out: http://bullshido.org/Ashida_Kim

Kim's website with its own forums: http://www.ashidakim.com/.

Trolled: "Facebook is for Bullies!"


Anyways, there's lots of lulz out there for those that seek. This is just a starter.

(Of course, I would almost be remiss without posting this:
)
 
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I can say, from my own experience at least, that the martial arts community is full of spergs. Many will talk for hours and hours about how one style is better than another. These conversations ultimately go nowhere because there is never any evidence to prove their claims and it alway comes to "my sifu could kick your master's ass!!!11!1"
 
Most karate schools are jips now these days, just down the street from me is a ju-jitsu school which is flocking with young spergs, I haven't seen anything credible from them, but nothing to suggest that they're being scammy.

They have classes in the local school yard and nearly every Friday I can hear or see the kids practicin and it's pretty lulzy watching a 7-year old trying to be threatening with fake posturing and 'keee-yaaahs.'
 
Well, my favourite would have to be my personal sensei and life hero, Ashida Kim.

He's a levitating ninja master who has written a dozen ninja novels that were so good they were stolen by the publisher. You can witness his powers of awesome here:



This is his website, which is a mess of 1998 awesomeness: http://ashidakim.com/shitlist.html (I just linked you to the best page. You're welcome)
 
You know the feeling you get when you find out something new, but you should have known it was really obvious all along? That's how I feel about finding out martial arts is chock full of lolcows
 
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Just the cover alone cements this book as a classic for the ages. In need of a modern and effective self-defense solution? Just carry a fucking big-ass sword everywhere.
 
I like a lot of these cows because they combine weebiness, with edginess, with pseudosciencey bullshit.
Would Chuck Norris count?
 
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Just the cover alone cements this book as a classic for the ages. In need of a modern and effective self-defense solution? Just carry a fucking big-ass sword everywhere.
I think there's something to be said for the merit of that, but not in the way the book intends: No one's going to fuck with you because if you're crazy enough to walk out of your house rocking the Jeans and a T-Shirt + Katana fashion statement, it stands to reason that you're crazy enough to use said Katana at the slightest provocation.
 
I think there's something to be said for the merit of that, but not in the way the book intends: No one's going to fuck with you because if you're crazy enough to walk out of your house rocking the Jeans and a T-Shirt + Katana fashion statement, it stands to reason that you're crazy enough to use said Katana at the slightest provocation.

And cops will empty a clip into you as soon as look at you, because they assume the same thing.
 
That reminds me to ask; is this thread going to be about lolcows attempting to become martial artists or martial artists attempting to become lolcows? There's surprisingly little overlap between the two groups. Ashida Kim (who would be the first) and Steven Seagal (who would be the second) are both hilarious but they're hilarious in different ways.
 
Aw shit guys. This is kind of my specialty. I actually got started in the lolcow game by investigating local bullshit martial artists.

If you know your jiujitsu enough to appreciate truly terrible grappling, this is my youtube channel where I used to compile videos of shitty BJJ instructors: https://www.youtube.com/user/EasyKillChoke/videos


A more accessible Martial Arts lolcow is probably Claude Harley Reagan, a fake Native-American and fake Judo practitioner. He claims to have survived a 300 foot fall from a helicopter when he was in Vietnam - though it appears he was never in Vietnam at all.

http://www.bullshido.org/Claude_Harley_Reagan

This is more cringe than lolcow material, but enjoyable nonetheless:
 
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