I believe the issue is at the core a lot of incels/lonely men probably have a history of trauma/abuse/neglect or were raised without decent father-figures. Because of these, they have low self-esteem, desperation, neuroticism, and all the shit that comes with cluster bs.
I think my biggest issue is the complete weight that's placed on said people to ubermensch their way into being socially kosher, prideful people.
I don't think pride and confidence exists in a vacuum. With some rare exceptions, pride comes from feeling rewarded over time for previous actions and establishing a cycle/feedback loop where small accomplishments push people to higher levels of self esteem.
Let's say you're a friendless virgin with a history of being bullied/isolated by family/peers. At a certain point, you wonder what you're supposed to do. If you have minimal friends, it becomes very hard to acquire friends at a certain age. You're a lot more likely to do well talking to women when you have a group around you as it shows you have some social grace already.
Trying to dig your way out of your neurosis/social status by yourself is akin to quitting an addiction without a support group.
Sure, there are "support groups", but most of those generally are the type that will tell you you're never going to win unless you're a 6'5 brickhouse anyway.
When you have a large section of society saying "it's all completely your fault, let's not weigh in any other factors and use these guys as the punchline to a joke" and the rest are saying "of course we'll never make it. It is all of society's fault anyways and women are whores" you are forced to pick a side at some point to retain your sanity.
But let's say you fall outside either fringe and admit that there are things you can work on about yourself without internalizing all of it, you still are faced with the difficult task of going about it alone. And if you aren't the archetypal incel and ARE willing to accept fault, you have to wonder how much fault you should accept. This is really difficult if you already are the kind of guy who overthinks everything.
"I should be confident in myself... But I'm obviously some weirdo nobody wants to be around so what's there to like?"
"I should be myself. But not too much. But also don't pretend because people can catch onto that easily."
"I should let them come to me and be completely stoic. Wait, why is nobody talking to me?"
Yeah you could say that these guys don't put themselves "out there" enough but that shows a clear lack of empathy.
Have you tried going to a bar by yourself before? Initiated conversations with strangers even if your anxiety was incredibly high? Tried to stand up for yourself in situations where you didn't have the winning deck?
Shits really awkward and painful.
At a certain point you just get tired of the consistent masochism and dock out.
I'm just tired of this "all or nothing" fallacy everyone ascribes to people.
I've seen drug dealers/users, trailer trash, literal "nice guys" and sex offenders have large friend groups and pull women easily.
I've met a literal personification of all the worst traits Aspergers who somehow swinged himself a girl.
Sometimes there isn't a barometer of morality and quality to be accepted by society.
I'm not even the basement dwelling fat poltard NEET. I'm sociable enough, I get complimented at my job, I've gotten laid before and I actively try to make happy people on a daily basis. But it still seems impossible for me to have more friends or be in relationships. I know some of that's me, but almost no one gives me an honest answer on things I could do better or any faults I have, so I'm left on my own.
As the normies say
"Just be confident, bro. But also you need things to be confident about to be confident, shhh."
That latter part is usually left out.
