How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[ilovecornsyrup]

Maybe you don't know it but you probably have. Don't hate yourself.

I don't think I hate myself. It's just that if I was to die today I would burn in hell and I don't think most people would even disagree.

This is a PL but I spent all my teenage years being a junkie and while I don't want to spell out the logistics you can probably figure. Now I'm sober and have my own apartment, a non-soul-destroying job, and I guess I feel fine apart from there being a hole in my heart. I kinda feel like a convict who has walked out of a prison, after having spent most of his life there, who doesn't know what to do with the real world.

I know that my past has made me jaded and bitter and I try to counteract that by being optimistic and nice to say my coworkers, but I think it will never be enough to counteract everything I have seen and done. I know what I deserve.

 

[Getmeout]

Well I do partially agree with you. You should kill yourself. I could normally empathize with someone having such crushing self esteem and depression, but the difference is that I wouldn't want my worst enemy to feel this way. I just want to vanish and not be a burden to the world anymore. You though, you want your sickness to infect those around you, so fuck you, down the road not across the street and do a backflip while you're at it.

If I hate myself for being black every other black person should.

 

[BackToBack]

This might be over. Everything that happened recently made me realize that I don't have future and my destiny is to be cashier at local store and nothing more. I don't know what to do after finishing my college degree because I have no academic skills, no social skills and the only thing I can do is draw mediocore pictures that wouldn't lend me to anything. And the sad thing is I pushed myself into this corner when I was younger and don't know if I even can fix anything now. My family always said that I will became something great and I'm sad I did not meet their expectations. I would do anything just to my life to be better but it's too late.
I'm thinking to maybe make my own art blog, but again, I'm not that interesting for anyone to follow me. Maybe I just want to met new people through it.
I'm a sad lonely faggot and here's some embarrassing info about me please don't bully me!

 

[The man The only man]

I'm thinking to maybe make my own art blog, but again, I'm not that interesting for anyone to follow me. Maybe I just want to met new people through it.

Become interesting, you reached your "rock bottom" and that allows you to have enough room to get some autistic obsession or hobby. I didn't have many interests but after I spinned the wheel and chose metal machining as an obsession, my life became more stable due to having some sort of self-confidence. You are basically admitting that you are a blank piece of paper, thus the only thing to do is to start doing something with that piece of paper. Just do something, anything, and keep doing it. Creativity and any other immaterial things are also muscles, so train those things.

 

[nycifer]

I honestly felt bad for a fellow associate this morning shortly before clocking out. She was in OGP and typically, I hate all OGP associates because they're notorious for getting in my way and being oblivious. But I also hate what their managers put them up to and this is one example.

So this lady is in the hallway with me and she is still recovering from her arm being broken, because weeks ago I saw it in a cast. And she's having to get to a box about above her height and mine. She struggled to pull a pallet jack on her own and she started to break down and curse her manager for taking a vacation. Which I get because I need to talk to mine and that bitch takes a vacation right around when I need to talk to her most.

Guiltily, I helped her with that pallet jack because she was trying to move pallets around so she can get a ladder cart in enough to use it to get to said box. She was just upset that her recovering arm is getting strained again and that her manager is putting her up to ridiculous tasks. I know, because mine have been doing this to me too in all the years I've worked in the store.

So after helping her, even offering to get said box for her so she wouldn't have to shuffle so much, I guess she was so upset that it went over her head. So I left her alone so I can do my task and she was really ranting up a storm that I could hear about what she does and the same repeated stuff.

I couldn't even be mad. I get it, girl.

 

[BackToBack]

Become interesting, you reached your "rock bottom" and that allows you to have enough room to get some autistic obsession or hobby. I didn't have many interests but after I spinned the wheel and chose metal machining as an obsession, my life became more stable due to having some sort of self-confidence. You are basically admitting that you are a blank piece of paper, thus the only thing to do is to start doing something with that piece of paper. Just do something, anything, and keep doing it. Creativity and any other immaterial things are also muscles, so train those things.

That's a good advice but everytime I do something I sick for validation and everytime I don't get it I feel like that one friend who does too much. I think I have to visit a psychologist because this isn't normal but I feel like there people out here who need this more than I do and I'm too scared to say what i feel to stranger in person. Thank you anyway, I think I will try something new when I have free time and energy for this.

 

[JustStopDude]

I get a call late last night that I need to do remote tuning for an aerospace site on the East Coast.

"When is chill in expected to be complete?"

"We need you online at 0700est"

"Is that when chill in is expected to be complete?"

"I'm not sure"

They keep doing this to me. They need the fuel system chilled to like 76 Kelvin. This process takes a lot of time and it's always an arduous process of discovering leaks, fixing them, ect. There is no fucking point in me waking up at 0400 my time, just to be told there is a delay.

Guess what happened? There is a delay. The engineer on the other end is making me check in every 15 minutes for a status update. I'm about to check in and it's already getting to five hours of delays.

I need only one hour to do what I need to do. But since they pulled this shit, even if we start now, I have to charge them six hours of double time. I'm literally sitting here eating my entire quoted budget of man-hours. And that wouldn't be a problem except this fucking customer fights tooth and nail every time I submit a change order to a project.

This is so stupid. I keep telling them to call me within 1 hour of start. I don't need to be tied to a computer all day, wasting the project budget.

I fucking hate doing aerospace jobs.

Update- more delays. What a shock.

Update 2 - now the estimated start is between 1200 - 1300 my time. So those following at home, at best, I have to charge them 16 fucking hours of wait time because they demanded I be available at 0400. Your tax dollars at work. I get to deal with a pissed off wife and kid because Dad is stuck attached to his fucking computer all day.

 

[Otterly]

know that my past has made me jaded and bitter and I try to counteract that by being optimistic and nice to say my coworkers, but I think it will never be enough to counteract everything I have seen and done. I know what I deserve.

OR…perhaps somewhere an angel is singing with delight that someone who was in such a state has their life back on track? I am glad you have, and wish you only peace and happiness from here on in

Welcome, Reaper. You're my bro.

I think it would be sad for my children to lose their mother, because I love them and they love me and losing a parent has to be a fairly large disadvantage in life. But other than that I don’t have anything I get up for in the morning, or look forward to, or desire to live for that is achievable. The idea of being where I am in another thirty years is pretty unpleasant.

I just hope for a bit of rest. I wish I could just turn to dust after death.

Yeah, I feel like that as well. To just fade out, from an existence that couldn’t hold me.

 

[MazonLabs Recruitment Rep]

If I hate myself for being black every other black person should.

And this is why I go from being sympathetic to your mindset to make sure you get your whole head in front of the shotgun.

If you need a sure fire way to do it, call up your local contractor (and I ain't talkin drywall) and put a hit out on yourself.

 

[Getmeout]

And this is why I go from being sympathetic to your mindset to make sure you get your whole head in front of the shotgun.

If you need a sure fire way to do it, call up your local contractor (and I ain't talkin drywall) and put a hit out on yourself.

What's so wrong with black people hating themselves?

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

What's so wrong with black people hating themselves?

Because you (and everyone else) are an individual, not just a member of some group; hating yourself on some group identity basis is dumb. Also, if you know no black people who are good, kind, smart, accomplished, etc., then you need to get out more.

 

[The Last Stand]

Fatigued in the literal sense. I'm unhappy with the direction my current employment is careening towards for me. So, now I'm job hunting now before things could get worse. I'm thinking it's better to leave on my terms than to be laid off or terminated.

 

[TommyHeavenly6]

I'm thinking to maybe make my own art blog, but again, I'm not that interesting for anyone to follow me. Maybe I just want to met new people through it.

You will meet new people through art. It's probably one of the easier ways to connect with people online and since everyone has their own way of self expression you should be able to find some kind of circle you can connect with. I will say do it because you want to prove something to yourself, if you just want validation from others you wont stick with anything in life.

Because you (and everyone else) are an individual, not just a member of some group; hating yourself on some group identity basis is dumb. Also, if you know no black people who are good, kind, smart, accomplished, etc., then you need to get out more.

There's no helping people like this unless they want to be helped and well, the person in question wants to die because of their race. So that ship has already sailed.

 

[Zirnwyb]

My new ADHD meds make me feel fucking weird and it's annoying the shit out of me. It's mostly the tingly scalp thing that comes on maybe 30m-1hr after I take it and lasts all dang day.

 

[BackToBack]

You will meet new people through art. It's probably one of the easier ways to connect with people online and since everyone has their own way of self expression you should be able to find some kind of circle you can connect with. I will say do it because you want to prove something to yourself, if you just want validation from others you wont stick with anything in life.

I mainly want people to talk to, at least just one person would be enough for me. I will probably do it if things will go down the hill with the person I was writing about here previously, and if we'll figure out all the problems I'll put this idea aside for a while.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

There's no helping people like this unless they want to be helped and well, the person in question wants to die because of their race. So that ship has already sailed.

I'm (almost) eternally optimistic (by nature but where that wanes, by choice), especially with young people, because there is so much change and opportunity in those years. It ain't over til it's over.

 

[MazonLabs Recruitment Rep]

There's no helping people like this unless they want to be helped and well, the person in question wants to die because of their race. So that ship has already sailed.

And I for one hope they do it in a way that involves pain and regret well past the point of no going back.

I'm (almost) eternally optimistic (by nature but where that wanes, by choice), especially with young people, because there is so much change and opportunity in those years. It ain't over til it's over.

I can muster a lot of empathy for people getting their ass kicked by depression and self doubt, but not when they demand that others feel that same way based on something as retarded as their race.

 

[Otterly]

I'm thinking it's better to leave on my terms than to be laid off or terminated.

That depends entirely on whether they’d pay you off or not. I once left a company that was clearly heading down the tubes, and I debated whether to stick it out and get laid off (they’d already fired waves of very competent people) and perhaps but maybe not get a payout or just leave. In the end I left, I wasn’t so sure they weren’t going to just collapse.
Good luck anyway

 

[AnOminous]

I don't think I hate myself. It's just that if I was to die today I would burn in hell and I don't think most people would even disagree.

Yeah, I have the same feeling. I'm going to fucking Hell. I'm just a miserable, rotten bastard and there's no way out. Thanks for reminding me.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I've said this before, but I do realize now that I'm just a certain type of guy who might not have the same things a lot of other people get in life, and not to hate myself for that and embrace it.
But damn is it really numbing not taking the hint.

Knew a girl through my last job who always was really nice, marriage was in the pits. Saw her recently when out and talked for a second. Asked to give her my number so the ball was in her court. She messaged me right then and there (and no, I didn't ask or imply I wanted her to do that). Messaged her twice later. Called her. Straight to voicemail. I'm trying not to take it personally because she does seem like she's going through a lot. But it does make me feel defunct.

There's another girl who seems pretty cool and interested in a lot of the same things. But she's flakey as fuck and was pretty distant before deciding to re-enter after a month and I've gotten tired of trying to put the effort in to make plans, kind of don't see the point in just texting and calling on the phone. Not even saying we gotta fuck. Let's just DO something. Remember when people did that?

I know the rule is you shouldn't have to question if she actually wants you, and if you do, she doesn't. I'm reminding myself of that. And trying not to take things personally.

But shiiiiiit. I know women are expected to be polite and them being nice isn't usually a sign of affection. But does there have to be a complete fabrication of interest for no reason other than maybe they get some odd joy from it? Could there once just be some answer? Even if it's rude. I'm not committing some grand faux pass here. I'm not being cocky. I'm not being shy. They're the ones wanting to have my number sometimes.

I know I'm not the star athlete but I'm not that guy either. It seems I can talk to them just fine and hold a conversation, I do put myself out there, I'm getting in better shape. I'm not the capital I incel.

People can laugh it off or say all the usual shit. "You're not entitled to a relationship", "You need to improve yourself." "It's obviously you." It's not that I don't notice that, agree. But people really downplay how manipulative and apathetic some of this stuff actually is. I just feel like a giant dupe.

"You need to have confidence." No shit. But when this happens enough, you find yourself just having to push that boulder uphill again and again.

I watched the movie Marty recently and it gave me such a sense of hope. Seeing a film about an earnest guy actually finding a healthy, wholesome relationship in a lonely worl where he never felt he'd find it really got me feeling emotional. It's weird how films made 70 years ago hit harder and touched on the human condition with more grace than almost anything that could come out now.

I know there's always been guys like me. And there always will be. And that I have value outside of how much action I get. But it is a very bewildering and lonely experience trying to actually put yourself out there and feeling played or like the last priority of anyone. I know that just means I have to actually just put myself first. But it's hard not to want that. Obviously you can take care of yourself, but it really is a beautiful thing when there's a girl who really sees you, opens up things for you, kind of gives a little bit of color to your life you didn't have before. I used to be better at just being driven to my interests and hobbies and having a natural charisma women liked, but due to circumstances it faded over time... and people have gotten very weird since then.
I do miss when it really was as easy as walking outside for a couple minutes and finding decent people or possible romantic interests and making plans on what to do that weekend.
It really was so damn easy before. I'm not jealous of the boomers for all that wealth and shit. But being able to just talk to someone for a couple minutes and then just get hitched or be a cute couple is the one facet of their generation I wish we could have now.
Oh well, guess I need to take the hint and just embrace that I'm not cool. Funny how the second you do that is when things tend to start actually working out in other ways. Still sucks. I think if I could just see that thing in me that I keep expecting someone else to, I'll be okay.