How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[long waters]

And then you think for a moment and realize these family gatherings are nothing more than "U have baby? u looking forward to baby? y no baby? no baby no life...". Look any of these 'achievers' in they dead eyes and ask "what good have you done for society? will your community remember you, if you died?". I doubt The Farms would notice any of us disappearing, but at least you've reached out and interacted with people beyond your proximity. Yet, I also yearn to have some local ties with people of equal age and interests. But then comes the whole 'gotta be okay with them being retards' and other such associations. As a kid I had a 'friend' constantly come over to play my PS2. It was fun until it wasn't and then it became a whole thing to cut those ties.

Nah, in my case, I don't feel that negatively about them at all... But yeah, sucks to be alone and such. As they say, sucks to suck. I just have to git gud and suck less I guess.

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

Drove for a long time and I can’t sleep cuz everything feels like it’s moving when I lay down which is normal for me after I drive a long time but I fucking hate it let me sleep I’m tired

The body is stupid and weird when it comes to balance. The inner ear is a crazy cunt.

 

[PetiteFeet]

Reality is that you shouldn't need to alter yourself in either case around people who do care about you.

I want that. I don't have that outside my immediate family, and even then I sometimes have intrusive thoughts that they don't.
I know the solution is to be away from my home and actually interacting with people but damnit if that isn't a Herculean task of its own.

 

[AnOminous]

I am in a state of absolute madness.

 

[Motherf*cker]

I am in a state of absolute madness.

I hope you're OK.

I no think gud this morning, didn't fucking sleep I was too busy having anxiety ridden thoughts, followed by this morning where my head is filled with an inescapable fog of fuckkery and no matter where I step, it's following me.
Dog park people can be petty cunts, and there was one dude with a poodle who told us that we're not welcome in that park. Since he is probably as smart as his poodle and not the park mayor, I disregarded his shitty comment and kept going to the park. I feel as if people are retarded and have no objectively decided that poodle guy is right and people are trying to tell us that we're not longer welcome. My dog is very sweet and plays nicely with everyone, she has never been a problem but I think they don't like me because I'm an odd duck.
Usually this shit doesn't bother me, but this negative cloud wants me to fed my insecurities about what these NPC people are saying, because they have also jokingly (but half seriously) accused me of being a witch and a bad sort.
I texted that friend and we caught up a little bit yesterday, that was nice.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

I want that. I don't have that outside my immediate family, and even then I sometimes have intrusive thoughts that they don't.
I know the solution is to be away from my home and actually interacting with people but damnit if that isn't a Herculean task of its own.

Having that with your family is more than most people. I revert to how I was when I moved out; mute, hostile, not feeling it worthwhile to talk about anything. Then I see a mom/daughter duo at work talk as if they're two individuals with each their own lives and shit to talk about. I'm not sure how I'd even attain that or if it's just not meant for my family. It's half the reason I'd want a partner; a second family to have that with (hopefully).

I alter my behavior to appease people, but in such a small way that it's still a change but not enough that I feel fake for doing it, which just leads to me wondering what 'I' am like at my base. Even at the closest I've been to proper friends in high school, it never went skin deep. We played games and hung out and shit, but it was still that "wassuhhhh" kind. I'd like to imagine women go deeper than that by default, but that's just as volatile, ending up with the typical satanic bullying behavior and fakeness.

And then I go "yeah, it's aight being alone".

 

[Getmeout]

The meds really are working, this is the first time in a while I've felt... Fine. Not manic or anxious, just... Fine.