How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Had cardiologist appointment last Wednesday. Heart function staying strong, aortic valve still working well, almost fourteen years after it was replaced. He said stay up with the walking, will be out there tomorrow morning.

Planted tomatoes last Monday, four plants of different regular-sized tomatoes. Was very warm here this week, 80s and 90s until the 'air conditioning' came in off the ocean. Cooled off today, should warm a bit tomorrow.
 
Not doing so well...
I just started a new a job where I'm struggling to build rapport or find a place to fit in.
Last week, I overheard someone say to another 'this place was so much better when Frunkiss wasn't here."

This whole building rapport and connections thing is like pushing shit up a hill.
 
Quijibo69 said:
My lifelong problem has always been I look younger than I am and it sucks.
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Haven't been lurking the thread much lately, but now that I was looking back a page or two and saw your message I wanted to say: isn't this a good thing? The older you get, the younger you want to look.
I've had a number of people express surprise to me when I tell them I'm over 30, so I'm thinking I might have that "problem" too. But I'm not sure. I always just took it as them being nice or something. On the other hand, is this just a standard thing everyone does? Tell uncs they look younger than they are? Maybe I really do look younger than I am, at least when I'm wearing winter clothes and hats that conceal my norwoodmaxxed hairline.
 
Squanto Airi said:
Would it help if you realized a lot of the people in the gym also have body image issues?
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No because I don't care what other people think of me. It is solely an "I hate myself so much I can feel my soul shatter whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror" thing, not at all motivated by others.
It's one of those foundational pillars inside of my head, along with the rest of my AvPD issues, that I have silently repeated in my head like a prayer since before I hit puberty and it just escalated as I got older.

I am much more comfortable in a place like where I've been for swimming class with my mother, basically a tiny heated pool downtown where only disabled or elderly people attend. There's something incredibly freeing about being naked with a gaggle of 60+ year old women and early retirees.
Really, the other reason why your average gym setting terrifies me is my social anxiety, and generally having isolated myself for so long that most tasks that take place outside of my own four walls taxes me on several fronts.

I'm hoping my current stint at the psych ward can open up a pathway to use their gym facilities, my tard wrangler alleges that one of her other cases has an exercise appointment at the hospital, but I don't have high hopes. Chalk that up to my pessimist streak screeching loudly today. We shall see.
 
I'm in the 9th circle of hell. I've been at a pass and badge office since 7 am. It's 1030. I'm trying to get on Kennedy Space Center to do work.

NASA did none of the fucking paperwork they were supposed to.

There is one toilet and and two people working here. Cars and semi trucks are stacked on top of each other.

I got NASA bitching me out on the phone.

I fucking hate my job at times.
 
Quijibo69 said:
My lifelong problem has always been I look younger than I am and it sucks.
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God, I see what you do for others and I want it for myself.

Anyways, I submitted my first assignment of the semester yesterday, I think I did okay, It was a group project but I ended up doing 95% of it (with the help of Sir ChatGPT).
This Friday I have a midterm. Oof.

I also need to talk to my internship supervisor, since I haven't talked to him in almost a month. I've been struggling so much with classes that some days I legit forget that I have an internship going on at the same time....
Last meeting went super bad, I barely understood what he said (very thick accent over a zoom meeting). So this week, on top of studying for the test, I also need to basically tell him "look, I didn't understand anything about last meeting. Sorry I'm only saying this now but I had assignments and stuff. Can we PLEASE meet in person, I'm struggling".

My life sucks rn. I haven't been this depressed in a while.
 
Squanto Airi said:
Would it help if you realized a lot of the people in the gym also have body image issues?
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PetiteFeet said:
No because I don't care what other people think of me. It is solely an "I hate myself so much I can feel my soul shatter whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror" thing, not at all motivated by others.
It's one of those foundational pillars inside of my head, along with the rest of my AvPD issues, that I have silently repeated in my head like a prayer since before I hit puberty and it just escalated as I got older.
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If I may interject myself in your discussion, this is 100% on point and how it works. I've always struggled with this too, to the point that I became a homegym enthusiast instead of ever going to a gym with other people.
PetiteFeet said:
I am much more comfortable in a place like where I've been for swimming class with my mother, basically a tiny heated pool downtown where only disabled or elderly people attend. There's something incredibly freeing about being naked with a gaggle of 60+ year old women and early retirees.
Really, the other reason why your average gym setting terrifies me is my social anxiety, and generally having isolated myself for so long that most tasks that take place outside of my own four walls taxes me on several fronts.
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In a way, I think you're doing much better than I am in this regard. I could never fathom showing as much skin as swimming requires, regardless of company. I can't even go out wearing a t-shirt in summer. Even after all these years, I have to wear a hoodie or at the very least a long sleeved shirt or I just feel wrong. I'm not sure this is something I'll ever get over. I don't think there's any amount of not-fat or fit that I can get that can fix this either, it's just the way my brain is wired now.
 
Not quite sure how to feel at the moment. Bouncing from feeling pissed, to sad, to a bit relieved.
Worked with a guy for a couple months before a State Official or whatever got on him for something and he had to let me go. We parted on good terms, and he said that once he was able to, he'd hire me back. So I work some odd jobs and further my education for the time being.
I finally manage to get hold of him to talk about getting my old job back, and he says that not only are they not hiring, but that he wouldn't take me back even if he was. Apparently he "looked into my past" and deemed me a "deeply disturbed individual that wouldn't survive this field."
Not once did we have a problem during the time I was working for him. I'm still even good friends with my old coworkers.
On one hand, I know not to bother with him anymore and to find employment elsewhere. On the other, I'm hurt at the guy I kind of respected just being an asshole.
Whatever.
 
PetiteFeet said:
but currently my body image is keeping me from joining a gym
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My personal opinion, don't join a gym. Gyms are one of the biggest scams that profit off of self-hatred and laziness. 90% of what you do in the gym can be replicated at home for damn near free unless you're some crazy bodybuilder. If you're just trying to lose weight, walks/jogs/and or runs around the neighborhood are cheaper and more mentally fulfilling, better than shilling out every month just to go to a loony bin full of people who unironically are those "I'm oppressed cause I'm too pretty" fake animated Youtube stories.
A Proud Black Woman said:
I AM BLACK!
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I wish I could have the same confidence. I'll give transgenders this one thing, I now get the mindset of feeling so much shame for being one thing that you want to magically poof into something else. I'm not going to transition haha dw this is just lighthearted
 
Eating a grilled cheese sandwich and watching some asmongold for my little study break. Forget what I said before I'm happy now.
 
PetiteFeet said:
It is solely an "I hate myself so much I can feel my soul shatter whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror" thing, not at all motivated by others.
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I got a mirror the other year. Realised we didn’t have any and the kids were asking for one so I got one.
I have no pictures of me anywhere up. I’ve got a disc somewhere with my wedding photos on and I’ve never been able to bear to look at them, not once. I have literally tens of thousands of pictures of my kids on my phone and so few of me that it doesn’t sort me Into my own person category. The only pics I have of me are a few others took and sent to me, from years ago at uni.
I’m not hideous, objectively, and I’m sure you aren’t either. Most people are just average looking.
I read an article a while back where a mum died and the had almost no pictures of her because she never was in front of the camera, and I meant to take some but… I still haven’t.

long waters said:
I could never fathom showing as much skin as swimming requires, regardless of company.
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Like Petite experienced - old people, try finding a bunch of elderly people who don’t give a shit and go swimming outdoors with them. Or wear a rash vest or wetsuit.
Nobody at the gym cares either IME. Most people are like budgies staring into a mirror and pecking their reflections - they don’t see you, or notice you at all. They’re wrapped up in themselves and never look outwards.
 
long waters said:
Haven't been lurking the thread much lately, but now that I was looking back a page or two and saw your message I wanted to say: isn't this a good thing? The older you get, the younger you want to look.
I've had a number of people express surprise to me when I tell them I'm over 30, so I'm thinking I might have that "problem" too. But I'm not sure. I always just took it as them being nice or something. On the other hand, is this just a standard thing everyone does? Tell uncs they look younger than they are? Maybe I really do look younger than I am, at least when I'm wearing winter clothes and hats that conceal my norwoodmaxxed hairline.
Click to expand...
When I wear a hat also am told I look younger than my actual age of almost 71, have few wrinkles on the face/forehead. Hey, whatever. Have seen people ten-plus years younger than myself who look much older than their age.
 
Doom doom doom doom doom.

Mom is having her knee replacement done in about a week so I need to drive down and stay for a couple weeks. I would take my friend's plane but he's waiting on parts to finish the annual inspection, oh well. She should have had it done 5 years ago but the risk is still somewhat low and the outcome should improve her quality of life significantly.
Of course, first I have to pack the car, taking a spare monitor down so I have something bigger than my laptop to work on. I sort of miss the days when I'd travel with minimal gear but now I want my toys with me if I'm going to be stuck someplace for a couple weeks. And if I get bored I can get on the skid-steer and go mow, and mow, and mow some more.

In other fun it's FAA medical renewal time, so that's this week too, luckily I've been studying.

Doom doom doom doom doom.
 
Spark the Electric Jester said:
I intend to kill myself this year, depending on events that may happen. I won't go further into it, but yeah, bad, doing bad. I only hope this thing doesn't happen. I live for very few reasons and I'm not going to survive having one of those reasons taken from me.
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Do you really want DSP to outlive you?
 
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