How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Ended up deleting my X account. Deleted my Facebook last month, deleted X this month. Just getting rid of a lot of the major social media accounts I had, 'cause all it's serving to do is pissing me off. Seeing friends fall for bullshit Leftist propaganda just saddens me more than I'm actually getting upset by it. I dunno. I'd rather not see really good friends of mine get all rabid over politics. It sucks, man. Do people actually look at you funny if you have like 0 social media presence at all?
 
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marvlouslie said:
Do people actually look at you funny if you have like 0 social media presence at all?
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I wouldn't know, I don't really have any friends. That said, it is 10000% the better choice for your mental health, and for your professional and even personal life. No paper trail, no embarrassing moments of oversharing.
Good for you.
 
Maybe I should get a cat for my birthday. I should be able to handle the expenses and it would be nice to have something
 
I got a cold from the tardos in the movie theater who would not shut the fuck up for the whole movie. It's OK I tossed dog treats into their popcorn, hope it was delicious.
 
marvlouslie said:
Ended up deleting my X account. Deleted my Facebook last month, deleted X this month. Just getting rid of a lot of the major social media accounts I had, 'cause all it's serving to do is pissing me off. Seeing friends fall for bullshit Leftist propaganda just saddens me more than I'm actually getting upset by it. I dunno. I'd rather not see really good friends of mine get all rabid over politics. It sucks, man. Do people actually look at you funny if you have like 0 social media presence at all?
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No but I do notice how glued my friends are to social media, where if I leave it, they won't follow me even if I show alternatives as to how to keep in touch. Hell, they don't even want my phone number, since nobody reaches out to me through text, lol.

I think you're better off without that normalfag social media shit anyways. In addition to seeing the theater of retardation play itself out before your eyes, as it has been mentioned numerous times before on here, your way of freely expressing is neutered. Social Media just forces you to adhere to the bastardized ways of engagement. The Fediverse is unfortunately not too far behind.

----

Just got one of those e-mails from apartment management addressing to all tenants about the level of noise and quiet hours. I believe it is also in part to how yesterday, the foreign niggers I'm next to, were bumping against their wall and other shit. I recall loudly yelling to cut their shit out, which a few minutes later, I heard one of their nigger kids cry over the yelling. This followed with someone leaving and presumably going to management to do their own crying "I nigger didndunuthin and the white man told us to cut our shit down" I think it went.

I don't give a shit if I made your kid cry over yelling, it's the principle of the matter. I know you've shuffled your beds up against the wall so I can hear anything and everything, including dresser drawers being slammed. It's not my problem you dumbass foreign niggers can't be courteous and be aware of your surroundings.

I'm paying $900 now for an apartment I'm using a third of, with poor hot water because maintenance here can't actually do their jobs fixing anything. Forced out of my bedroom to turn my living room into a quasi-living room/bedroom now thanks to the other pair of niggers on the other side of the apartment.

Though I haven't heard anything from them in a while now, so I may take that room back at somepoint, haven't really decided. Kindof enjoying everything in one place and maybe having a storage area isn't that bad so it is out of the way. But still, you niggers can go fuck yourselves.
 
nycifer said:
No but I do notice how glued my friends are to social media, where if I leave it, they won't follow me even if I show alternatives as to how to keep in touch. Hell, they don't even want my phone number, since nobody reaches out to me through text, lol.
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I know it's not quite social media, but I had a three person group chat on WhatsApp. I got the app just for them. When I downgraded my phone I got rid of it. Both of them have my number, we could do a group text. But I get significantly less messages from either of them.


Thread tax. I am exhausted. I have so much to do and I just don't want to, I don't want to have to try so hard anymore.
I'm taking some courses for work related stuff and I picked one on PTSD. Basically warning signs, diagnostic criteria, causes, treatment, etc. It just put me in a bad mood. I fit the criteria for so long and no one caught it. I was labeled as a difficult teenager by family, my peers, and medical professionals and left to rot. Not to be hung up on things that happened when I was younger but it has gotten me stuck in that useless thought spiral of "Maybe things would have been different if x." I don't think I've ever fully mourned the person I was, or the person I could have been. It breaks through sometimes and I shove it back down. Feels like once I open that it won't ever stop, I'll just grieve forever.
 
Small, self pitying vent for a bit. It is a bit of a whinge Man, I cannot get enough sleep and I feel like a string pulled too taut.

The background noise: They are closing my department down. Known for a year, been applying a lot for new jobs. Fortunatley, the process of shutting us down isn't overnight so I collect a paycheck until it's done but it's like (stealing from Aimee Mann) "the long farewell of a hunger strike". The rejection following a few interviews, well man it stinks. I guess one has to hope without getting hopeful? That's a little bit of a lesson I guess. I'm an optimist by nature, i think, but boy the rejection lingers. Still, while all this is happening I need to trudge out the hours studying for my next exam in May (finance-related exam...second of two...fucking hard). I rarely feel appropriately rested enough to wade through any material.

Not enough sleep results in a vicious circle. First world problem, I know so won't wallow here too long. It's hard to consider putting in 3h of study time each day when I can't get more than 5ish or less of sleep each night. Feel stuck in the lack-of-sleep rut but still need to keep striving and it's gone on now for nearly 2 months. Kept thinking it would get better, usually does, but this has been a long bout.

Exercise is an answer I suppose? Did 20m rowing yesterday...watched a race while doing it. Just need 15-20m of movement daily is what I hear? Will try that. Tylenol PM works wonders but I can't take it everynight and the hangover from a regular dose lingers a bit too long to be a good idea.

Better food perhaps...I binge eat when I'm tired and bored. Another piece of the puzzle though for sure.

Less phone time also. Uninstalled firefox from my phone and the sheer repugnant nature of the native samsung browser has removed any appeal of surfing the internet on my phone. So 2am, 3am or 430am wake up sessions are reading the Le Carre books now...

Putting the pieces together to begin getting decent rest is a puzzle. Can't find the combination that works and that is demoralizing. I need to be more mentally sharp but I'm just blunt, dull, low-energy.
 
stick said:
I know it's not quite social media, but I had a three person group chat on WhatsApp. I got the app just for them. When I downgraded my phone I got rid of it. Both of them have my number, we could do a group text. But I get significantly less messages from either of them.


Thread tax. I am exhausted. I have so much to do and I just don't want to, I don't want to have to try so hard anymore.
I'm taking some courses for work related stuff and I picked one on PTSD. Basically warning signs, diagnostic criteria, causes, treatment, etc. It just put me in a bad mood. I fit the criteria for so long and no one caught it. I was labeled as a difficult teenager by family, my peers, and medical professionals and left to rot. Not to be hung up on things that happened when I was younger but it has gotten me stuck in that useless thought spiral of "Maybe things would have been different if x." I don't think I've ever fully mourned the person I was, or the person I could have been. It breaks through sometimes and I shove it back down. Feels like once I open that it won't ever stop, I'll just grieve forever.
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(Sorry if you saw a Disagree at first - phone and selecting stickers is perilous)

Wanted to reach out on this, in empathy and recognition, if nothing else. Regret or "omg wow what did I do/ why didn't I know differently or do differently/ what if" are some of the hardest thoughts to have. But I'd say you probably have time to try to work through it as well as to do enough differently to shape your life so that teenaged things become little more than relics. If you have significant regrets get some therapy now to process (and mourn and move forward) so you don't get hung up or stuck on what could have been and trip on these things forevermore.
 
I've no clue what my parents were like pre-me, let alone how they managed or how they didn't. We went to an old printing shop where my mom got to talk to an old man about her education in print and it was the first time I've seen her be like.. a person? I've worked alongside parent/child combos several times and I'm always just in awe. How the fuck are they having conversations, living individual lives and talking to each other as if they're interested? Shit, I really should ask my parents about their past before they kick it.

marvlouslie said:
Ended up deleting my X account. Deleted my Facebook last month, deleted X this month. Just getting rid of a lot of the major social media accounts I had, 'cause all it's serving to do is pissing me off.
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If you can't quit social media today, you never will. Literal bots, paid posts, onlythots, politics. Youll open a tweet and the top 5 responses will be pajeet bots or people buying the top spot to talk about something else entirely. Like you need to be genuinely addicted to the least consistent and undefineable thing on earth to still use social media at this point.

Let it burn to fuckin ash said:
Putting the pieces together to begin getting decent rest is a puzzle. Can't find the combination that works and that is demoralizing. I need to be more mentally sharp but I'm just blunt, dull, low-energy.
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Watched a great aussie sleep study/documentary. More or less everyone were 'technically' cured from insomnia by first only laying down in the hours they actually sleep, even if it's 3am to 5am, until they're in such severe sleep debt they sleep in those hours, after which they add a buffer in each end until they get 7-8 hours in a good window. On top of that; sleep on your side, no water an hour before bed, no screens an hour before bed, eat latest 4 hours before bed. Follow those rules and you're already in the top 5%.

But it's difficult and people relapse. I've sadly gone back to having my phone in my hand during bed cause I go to bed super early, but it's hard to force myself to sit up longer when I'm bored and depressed to death. Yet the path forward is literally there. Once you're used to it, it'll suck and hurt to stray from it.
 
stick said:
I know it's not quite social media, but I had a three person group chat on WhatsApp. I got the app just for them. When I downgraded my phone I got rid of it. Both of them have my number, we could do a group text. But I get significantly less messages from either of them.


Thread tax. I am exhausted. I have so much to do and I just don't want to, I don't want to have to try so hard anymore.
I'm taking some courses for work related stuff and I picked one on PTSD. Basically warning signs, diagnostic criteria, causes, treatment, etc. It just put me in a bad mood. I fit the criteria for so long and no one caught it. I was labeled as a difficult teenager by family, my peers, and medical professionals and left to rot. Not to be hung up on things that happened when I was younger but it has gotten me stuck in that useless thought spiral of "Maybe things would have been different if x." I don't think I've ever fully mourned the person I was, or the person I could have been. It breaks through sometimes and I shove it back down. Feels like once I open that it won't ever stop, I'll just grieve forever.
Click to expand...
Maybe you should take some time to grieve it? Not to be corny, but maybe allowing yourself to feel this way & let it out in something like a journal or voice recordings would be good for you. My shrink says taking ten minutes to vent each day and experience all the "negative" emotions is a good way to let go of some of the burden. I also don't believe you'll grieve forever. Grief is an emotion and all emotions are fleeting. You've made a lot of successes to get to this point despite the many, many obstacles in your way. It's not a guarantee doing this will be your downfall.

Also, I feel that "maybe things would have been different if x." I often get looped into that cyclic thinking pattern, too. My goal is a whole form of "radical acceptance." The past is unchangeable & dwelling on it for too long won't do you any good. Don't forget it, absolutely, but the future-you really needs present-you to keep striving to get better. It's like someone breaking an important vase and you weeping for hours over how you wished they hadn't broken it. Instead, you can weep for 20 minutes, pick up as many pieces as you can to either mend it or find a way to replace it. It won't be the same as the vase never being broken, but it's action -- there's no more sharp, broken pieces, at least. Idk. Sorry for the rambling, I'm no professional:(
 
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I'm on Day 5 of quitting 3 separate but fairly entangled/ associated habits that in 2 cases are unqualifiedly negative and have been either growing or persisting at undesireably high levels over or during the last 10-15+ years. So I decided on Sunday to drop them all at once, no final tour or long goodbye.

These early days weirdly feel much calmer than I would expect. Maybe because it was unplanned, no big windup, no last hurrah, no extensive measuring or analytics or micro-plan. Or maybe I'm just old or finally growing up and ready to trade my life of sprints (in which I either win by a mile or don't feel like going/ forget to show up) for some kind of 9589th-place marathon finish. Or I'm retarded and it will all hit tonight and I'll spin out.

So far:
  • physical - no withdrawal symptoms or discomfort (happily atypical for my data points)
  • mood - not tense or grouchy or stressed or anxious - practically the opposite
  • mental craving - I feel some call, both to habit and to how these things have made me feel, and obviously I'm spending some time thinking about it, so I'm mainly observing and trying to minimize impulse. I expect this will be something I may always have to contend with.
  • sleeping more on purpose (something the combo of the things I'm kicking has been lowering in both quality and quality for years), even heading to bed while the sun's still up to maximize opportunity for a full night's sleep - and also bc I don't quite know what to do with myself/ time especially at night right now. Sleep is up to almost normal levels from a couple-few+ hours under/ night.
  • noticed I've unexpectedly started to have some sparks from some things I have always loved deeply but had realized in the last few weeks - & have been worried about: that though I still liked them, they didn't inspire in the same way or feel "present" so much as past (one of the key things that prompted me to consider recalibration, beyond general health). Dr. GPT tells me that indicates dopamine possibly beginning its reset process - which would be amazing.
  • energy so far is pretty good - less intense (and my days are shorter with all the bed/ sleep) but more even. Glad the bottom hasn't dropped out atp, but remains to be seen what my real energy baseline is going to turn out to be. Big concern bc what I'm dropping have been both actual and perceived key sustainers of my high energy...though my ROI on that has dropped immensely (another inspiration for changes).
I've been making a point not to overeat (a common concern with dropping 2 if not all 3 things) and have been prioritizing protein. I have been having a bit more caffeine, despite more & better sleep, probably mainly from boredom and also deciding that an afternoon espresso is a better cope than an afternoon bag of Snickers.

I'm apprehensive about the coming weekend, but my aim is to stay steady and chill, not make a billion plans of stuff to keep me manically avoiding temptation or boredom. Wish me luck.
 
Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
Wish me luck.
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Good luck. Remember it takes several weeks for the dopamine to fully equalise. You may well experience an elevated mood the first week or two, and this lulls you into a false sense of confidence; but after that you face the risk of your mood dropping severely, and this is the time you are most likely to cave. Stay vigilant.
 
I hate my job so much it's unreal. I know it's gotten bad when I am unironically starting to miss factory work
 
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