How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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my job (and future jobs!) might even be at risk and in general I think if I use a blind people cane,
A thought: You don't have to use it at an interview. And once you have the job and are doing the paperwork, you check disability and if you can do your job with any needed accommodations you are protected from firing (ymmv; I'm speaking of us legal protections).

The bigger point is, as @Otterly said, you can decide when, where, and how. But some other thoughts as well:

Question: do you think or know people know you have sight impairment now? I would expect they can tell to some degree, but maybe not. But the way you speak of it - Nothing would have changed but people will know if you use a cane - is not unlike how people with a secret addiction think (and yet yes, people do notice the person getting louder and slurring, whether they know the person downed a fifth out in the garage before dinner or not). That's a VERY limited analogy - only for the observation that your fear and sort of shame has you hiding reality, which may or may not be what they might already have a hint of.

With respect and concern, you should use it if it will help when it's a matter of safety - yours or others'.

I would also suggest to put aside the possible political aspects of it - you're doing a lot of speculating about purple-hairs coopting you for a political point, when although I guess that could happen, better to have to say fuck off, no thanks than to be dead in the middle of a street, no?

It sucks to have any aspect of physical life deteriorating - it's frightening and frustrating and can feel like it means you're no longer in control of anything, including yourself. But if multiple people have suggested you need it, or you're aching from gym bruises as much as from your workout, maybe using a useful tool is just that: using a tool to perform something. Not really different than using a drill to screw a screw in hard wood, even though with enough time and shoulder agony, a knife-end could eventually get it in there - or using a handy calculator for some big-number division, even though you were a math whiz in elementary school decades ago. Yes, I know it's not the same, but I'm trying to reframe it as a practical choice and so to move the conundrum away from the emotional aspect of it. That is its own thing to sort out, but sometimes separating pragmatic decisions/ options from underlying emotionally charged thoughts can help put things in the correct boxes.

Do you ever leave the safety of this thread? When I'm rereading old posts, I rarely see you.
There's an easy way to know the answer to that. I just did it, and on @PetiteFeet 's first page of the most recent of 3253 messages total, 4 of the first 20 are here. When I looked at yours, on the other hand, 7 of the first 20, out of 557 total, were here. Most recent/20 comment ITT ratio to total comments has yours about exactly 10x hers. Just so you know.
 
My boyfriend and I got into an argument last night. We are on separate time schedules and I have a full time "management" job and go to trade school so I do not see him often. I also have a bad habit of staying up late. He brought up my habit of browsing the farms and how it was "rotting my brain". It came out of nowhere and it really upset me because there is no real way to defend it. I am not planning on stopping but I am upset because I have introduced him to cows from here, esp King Cobra who we both loved. He is a normie and doesn't understand. I don't think browsing the farms after working a 10 hour shift to disassociate (while he is sleeping btw) is that big of deal. *sigh*

I sometimes wonder if he thinks I am being "radicalized" by this site. But I have been coming here for years. I have never been a political person, I have a pretty selfish worldview. I don't care/want to hear about stupid shit like protesting about ICE and getting worked up about trans rights. I have friends, acquaintances, and employees of all walks of life but I can't be bothered to particularly care unless it affects me personally. I have always been this way. I think it's a part of my tism. I hate Indian people like everyone else. Other than that I am probably the least radicalized person I know.
 
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So I decided to stop taking the drug I was prescribed for anxiety and sleep since I’m no longer as messed up as I was when I got it. It usually knocks me out within the hour and I ended up not being able to sleep without it.

The first night it took me 6 h to fall asleep. The next night it was easier but still took 2+ hours. By day 3 I no longer felt like I was carrying around a brick in my head and I’ve actually had a very productive week.

I managed to go for a couple a walks and was surprised how well it went, considering I’ve been melted into my couch for the past 2 months. Before then I used to go to the gym 2-3 times/week so my goal for next week is to get my ass over there again.

I also really want to quit my SSRI that I successfully stopped taking this summer, but had to start taking again out of desperation. I have a baby dose but the side effects are a fucking bitch. Once I get some natural endorphins going from my workouts I’ll start weaning off them again.

tLdR: It went well!!

I also deleted all doom scrolling short form content apps on my phone this week which has left pushed me to try to think of other things to do instead. I’ve started doing my skincare routine again, managed to paint my toenails for the first time in like 3 years (lol) and started working on some crafting projects. Overall, very good week!
 
We are on separate time schedules and I have a full time "management" job and go to trade school
How do you balance that if you dont mind me asking (I work similar hour shifts but want to develop some skills so I don't get blindsided by anything).
 
Went to church today for the first time since Easter 2025. I feel like I only go when I'm having a rough time, but things are going okay now.

I haven't done shit at work for the last two Fridays, and I'm waiting for someone to get mad at me. Even though that's not at all the way this place works. And worst case, I'd get chewed out, get told I need to clean up my act or they'll have to write me up. I'm still recovering from the loss of a couple of family members, and I only realized that within the last month. That helps. I'm also restarting a project that'll help with the pessimism and feelings of listlessness tomorrow, which is something to look forward to.

I haven't gotten a good look at the little gray cat that lives innawoods by my place in months, but someone's eating the cat food I leave out on the porch overnight, every night, and I'm pretty sure it's her. I don't know if I could have a third cat here, but I hope she decides she wants to come in soon. If she wants to start living inside, I'll figure it out. There's like 3 vets I know who could help me figure out arrangements for fostering her or something.
 
Luckily it's been boring. Moving my office(living room) into the new office(second bedroom) I'm really trying not to just carry the piles of crap from shelf A to shelf B. I think I'm doing ok. Sure the 5 keyboards just got shoved on a shelf, but the paper to be scanned is in a box, the collection of spare flash drives and micro SD cards are boxed, a few things were THROWN AWAY, but not nearly enough, couple items I realized I should just sell or at least put in the "I should sell this" pile. Need to clean up the raspberry Pi parts collection, screws, cables, etc.
Went to the eye doctor after 2 years and got no change to prescription. Need to take my FAA medical in a couple months so I think I'm going to ask if the eye doctor can just do the eye test form instead of having to test in his office, not that it saves any money.
Most of the brush from the December tree has been hauled away in my weekly green waste can. Now there's just a giant pile of crappy pine I need to give away. Maybe one of those places that sells firewood to tourists for their vacation rentals wants it.
Main thing is I've started having thigh pain, apparently there's a condition that matches, one treatment is "Don't be such a fatass". So I really really need to work on that.
 
Just had a scary moment when I found my faucet trickling didn't have the hot water going and it had frozen solid to the point of no water coming out at all. After a half hour of applying a hair dryer to the exposed part of the pipe, I wasn't satisfied with how this was going (zero results).

What did the trick was a crème brûlée torch. Thank God. Burst pipes right now would be a total disaster.

One of my few late night impulse purchases on Amazon that may have saved me thousands.
 
i used to have such vivid dreams but I haven't remembered any of them.
 
Just had a scary moment when I found my faucet trickling didn't have the hot water going and it had frozen solid to the point of no water coming out at all. After a half hour of applying a hair dryer to the exposed part of the pipe, I wasn't satisfied with how this was going (zero results).

What did the trick was a crème brûlée torch. Thank God. Burst pipes right now would be a total disaster.

One of my few late night impulse purchases on Amazon that may have saved me thousands.
Lol, nice! But fwiw, I had a frozen main at a point in my crawlspace a week ago (2nd time in a year 😣) that required thawing with a heat gun...$425, even at weekend/ emergency rates. But yeah, actual burst pipes would be another level. Nice work with the torch!

Eta thread tax: currently thawing a pint of one of my favorite ice creams before throwing in the towel on everything I didn't do this weekend. :|
 
Gas fireplace exploded at my parent’s place. They’re okay, my dad’s lucky to be alive. He was turning it on and it blew him onto a mattress on the floor they were getting rid of. He would’ve been seriously messed up otherwise. Maybe God saved him?

Damage isn’t too bad, one hallway’s fucked up and the wall where the fireplace is got bowed out. I’d post pictures but they can’t move some stuff that would dox me until the insurance company checks it out. Heading over there now.
 
Met up with a friend I hadn't seen for maybe 7-8 years recently. He joined the military a few years after high school and was deployed overseas, it was one of the only times he'd come back to visit for Christmas.

He started dating some foreign woman who doesn't speak English well, and she is very possessive, maybe bipolar too. The entire time, she was texting him about who he was meeting, why she hadn't heard about me before, are there any women there, etc. He was kinda distressed about it, and I was going to tell him to maybe leave her, but then he told me he got her pregnant and wants to marry her sometime this year. He's already been divorced from a nut job before. Just crazy.

There's times that I think back on previous relationships and wonder if we could've made it work, and where we'd be now. But hearing stuff like this from different friends/family slaps me back to the reality that it wouldn't have worked out, some of them really were just insane, and life could have been much worse. It's definitely made me very cautious about dating, when some of these horror stories started out with people who seemed really normal and good.
 
Stupid shit followed by outrage over stupid shit. Inane debate over the two, pissing and moaning. Over and over and over and over, and then people look at you like you're supposed to care anymore. I don't want to hear opinions on your politics unless I ask, and when I do I regret it because it's always the same shit that I can't pretend to even give a damn about anymore. Each day feels like it's Day One, whatever I intend that to mean and I want less sex. I've been daydreaming a lot lately about driving and closing my eyes or standing at a railing and then taking a leap that to an observer would look completely impulsive. It's not severe anguish, rather a comforting feeling that the monotony will end.
 
How do you balance that if you dont mind me asking (I work similar hour shifts but want to develop some skills so I don't get blindsided by anything).
You mean trade school and work? So I am a salaried a manager where my salary is contingent on me working 5 days, not hours. So a full day for me would be typically 12/1pm ish - 9/10pm ish. We are closed on Sundays so I always get that day off, and my pick of another day which I base around school. I am in a HVACR program, and almost all of the trades at my school are structured the same, where it's not like credited classes, it is a two night a week 5:30pm-9:30pm program. My first semester was Saturdays 8am-5:30pm, which was even easier to swing. So one of my work days I go in for "admin" work, which means payroll, finances, & other computer shit and I just get in and out early enough for school. The other is my day off, with school lol. My owners and my COO are very supportive of my education luckily so this was not a deal breaker for them.. A bonus is HVACR and restaurant work is very related so for them I have the ability to repair ice machines, air conditioning, coolers, etc. so it could be beneficial for them to support. Unfortunately for them I refuse to do any side work for free so I do not offer any services unless there is extra money. So it is fairly easy to balance, you just don't get a lot of personal time. Also it is not very expensive and there are a few scholarships that are fairly easy to get to cover at least admission cost. I just tell myself it is not forever and power through it hoping to get an apprenticeship, or any industry related job to get out of this loop. I am on my last semester and I have applied for easily over 100 positions and have had a handful of interviews where I always get picked over. I 100% understand since I am not fully certified but I am also a woman which unfortunately does matter. So really having a job that is somewhat flexible with later hours is extremely helpful, but most trade programs are not like full time school so that makes it easier as well.

Unfortunately I am looking at furthering my education and getting licensed as a ammonia tech which is taught under a more traditional school structure, so as far as that goes, I have no idea what I would do in that scenario lol. I would encourage you to look into your local trade programs and depending on what you are interested in, some even are based around an apprenticeship in that field so you start with employment, even though the pay may be shit.

It is fairly different from credited classes overall so it is a lot easier to swing on a industry schedule.
Sorry for the rant.
 
it really upset me because there is no real way to defend it.
You don’t need to defend it. It’s not a bad thing. You’re not doing anything wrong.
Think very hard before you marry a man who makes you feel guilty or bad for the non-awful opinions you have, or in twenty years time you’ll be a shell of your former self cringing every time you’re told off or criticised.
Also try to get to bed a little earlier if you can. Lack of sleep wrecks your health
 
Have been having a funny work interaction as of late, being called "the weather man". Told people weeks before the first big snow that it was coming and they mostly all disregarded it. When it hit all the people who said they would go to work anyways all stayed home which upset the higher ups. This time I said we would be missed by the snowstorm (we were) but that didn't stop a ton of people walking around saying how excited they were to miss work again. I am very much ready for work today to see all the upset coworkers who didn't get their second snow day.
 
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