How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Burning Bridge said:
Hearing this response to suicide has always reaffirmed to me that I'm irredeemably broken and I can never relate to other people because this sounds like something I would do to make sure I jump. "No, once you experience the joy of life, you won't want to die anymore!" I used to be gripped by the compulsion that if I just explain better, maybe people will understand. Futile and foolish. You can't convince people of something they don't want to believe. Yes, I realize the irony and seemingly unselfaware nature of this statement in this context.
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It's not a "experience the joy of life to ensure you won't jump " it's if you're about to anyways, might as well have a good time OR the change of scenery and experience will dial back the suicidality.
 
I wanted to set up my first batch of prison wine (actually prison cider) today but i think my kitchen is too cold to make it work (heater is on the fritz, think i mentioned it before, having the space heater run all day and night would defeat the purpose of making cheap alcohol because of our retardedly high electricity prices), kinda bummed out by that. Ordered turbo yeast and everything. I could put it in my bedroom/living room (shitbox apartment) but then it would probably smell like a halfway house in no time, not sure if the missus would like that. EDIT: For the recipe i am using the liquid needs to stay at at least 25°C for four days.

Was out shopping today and overdid it again with moving around, ever since friday where i was at that art gig my back is giving me a hard time, despite taking copious amounts of painkillers, sucks big time. Laying in bed with a gin tonic now and getting fahwking zooted, tomorrow's my Ma's birthday and it will be fun. Got her to invite other relatives instead of moping around and just having me and my girlfriend over out of sheer obligation, she already announced in the family group chat that food and drink will be provided a-plenty. I am expecting her to go all out like Christmas last year (where i couldn't make it because of my back issues but saw pictures of) and the year before (which was fantastic, it was a literal banquet of top-tier food). I'd rather see her slaving away in the kitchen than just sitting on her ass and drinking all day. I make it sound worse than it actually is but i mentioned how i think that she has been depressed for quite some time so i hope this will, at least temporary, take her mind off things.
 
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⋖ cørdion ⋗ said:
I'm just hanging around to see Gen Z and all the troons realize they ruined their lives and kys before I kms. Shit, stay alive to watch the next iteration of some capeslop movie. Stay alive for literally any reason, cause the alternative is death and that's worse than anything. It's funny how these suicidal mf'ers never have the balls to take out a huge loan, fuck off to japan, fuck some flatchested girls and then kill themselves. I bet they fear getting passion for life again and now being deep in debt, but even if they were, they'd be better off than many people.
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This may sound incredibly fucked, but my greatest joy in life is probably pizza. Some people work out for women, others to get strong, I work out so I can eat pizza without getting fat. No matter how depressed I'll ever get, I have to live to eat pizza once more.
I usually only order from a few places I really like, or I make my own. Maybe I should make it a goal this year to try out more pizza restaurants in person. I'm sure there are many great pizza places near me that I have yet to discover.
 
I just discovered that Facebook lets you comment anonymously so I joined a psychic reading group and I comment that my reading is that that they have gonorrhea on every post so if you got a psychic reading on Facebook that said you have gonorrhea don’t worry it was a joke
 
long waters said:
Some people work out for women, others to get strong, I work out so I can eat pizza
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I don't know your nationality but you should get the Key to the City of Naples for that statement.

Edit: /sneeding this post so it won't sound like i am making fun of you, i mean that and i feel it hard. Back when i was much more into exercise (been getting back into it since the start of January) i knew exactly what you are talking about.
 
NiggerLicker said:
I just discovered that Facebook lets you comment anonymously so I joined a psychic reading group and I comment that my reading is that that they have gonorrhea on every post so if you got a psychic reading on Facebook that said you have gonorrhea don’t worry it was a joke
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you can also say all the forbidden words on fuckbook too. ive been getting away with it for over a year now...im not entirely sure when they stopped caring, but i personally think its hilarious.
 
Dizzyuntildeath said:
You have the floor. Describe your Dark Night of the Soul.
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Burning Bridge said:
Weighed in yesterday, lost 35 lbs in 5 months, no loss in lean muscle mass. A year ago I stopped all my medications, and I've cut out most of the garbage food, too. I feel better than I ever have, which is an incredibly low bar to clear since I started suicidal ideation at 15 and never stopped. I turned 30 a couple months ago. It's an odd feeling, not wanting to die literally every second, not having an hero scenarios constantly running in the back of your mind. Sometimes I fall into it just because it's a mental rut.
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Burning Bridge said:
It's been a bit over a year since I posted in this thread, and I'm doing so much worse. Diet hasn't really changed, and the suicidal ideation is still mostly gone, but I'm just a bundle of negative thoughts. Here are some of them, in no particular order.
My mind is so scrambled from a literal lifetime of psychiatric medication that the fact I can think at all is a testament to the resilience of the human brain. Motivation is fleeting in a sea of emptiness, made worse by the fact that I know I could just take more meds to counterbalance that. My mood doesn't really change day to day in much the same way a shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean doesn't notice if it's raining. That I haven't killed myself yet is twofold: A. I'm terrified of fucking it up and living through the attempt and B. I'm terrified that it doesn't end at death, that my consciousness continues for eternity. I prefer to quietly waste away, hiding whatever pain I may feel.
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A disruption in the polar vortex has allowed all the arctic cold to leak out in a single-minded search for my house. I've been sick the past couple of days. Way to celebrate some dead negro's holiday. 🤧
 
I think I need to quit the internet unless it’s directly for working but the willpower is weaaaak

But I think it would drastically improve my mental health and emotional constipation

Edit: duck it. I’m doing it. If I post this on kiwi farms it would be so fake and gay if I broke it MAYBE it might motivate me
Wish me luck, faggots byyeee I need to feel things again
 
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Just one of those moods I get every single week at some point or another where I'm full doomer.

The world's gone completely mad, nothing is worth anything, everything is cringe and gay for one reason or another, but everytime I try to convince myself I'm one of the sane ones my brain tells me to stop being such a goddamned special snowflake and acknowledge I'm part of the slime and if I was worth a damn I'd have a much larger bank account and internet clout and...

You get the idea.
 
MazonLabs Recruitment Rep said:
Just one of those moods I get every single week at some point or another where I'm full doomer.

The world's gone completely mad, nothing is worth anything, everything is cringe and gay for one reason or another, but everytime I try to convince myself I'm one of the sane ones my brain tells me to stop being such a goddamned special snowflake and acknowledge I'm part of the slime and if I was worth a damn I'd have a much larger bank account and internet clout and...

You get the idea.
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i feel the same way....sometimes im just like fuck it, and i want to go live out in the middle of nowhere with no internet. everything is so crazy these days. idk if its worse that im old enough to remember the world being normal, or not.
 
Rekeita's Kidneys said:
I just want to experience life. This ain't it.

I'm lonely bros, I want to have friends and a GF and all the shit normal people get to experience
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Have you considered changing your environment for a short while by going to Cancun/Bangkok, doing some xannies/weed, and letting loose a bit? You don't need to turn into the Pig forever, but fucking around for a bit might do some good. You don't even need to come back with friends or a gf. Just live a little.
 
Burning Bridge said:
I used to be gripped by the compulsion that if I just explain better, maybe people will understand.
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This really sits heavy in my chest. I know how hard it is to feel like you're genuinely being understood, because I have this exact same compulsion.

"If I just explain it better, from a different angle, with different words, at a different time, maybe... They'll get what I mean. They have to. Surely I can find the right words at some point, if I just keep trying."

Despite the above I hope you can trust that, while I can't understand everything you're going through, I really, truly understand the pain and frustration of that rift of misunderstanding between oneself and other people. It's terribly isolating. I genuinely hope you're still here.
 
YHWH's Strongest Soldier said:
Have you considered changing your environment for a short while by going to Cancun/Bangkok, doing some xannies/weed, and letting loose a bit? You don't need to turn into the Pig forever, but fucking around for a bit might do some good. You don't even need to come back with friends or a gf. Just live a little.
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I always found advice like this really weird. I want friends and a gf who like me for who I am, not to pull some weird stuff like MAAAD and go fuck hookers to get my rocks off. I find the thought of traveling to "party" utterly repulsive. I don't want to do hos and drugs, I want someone to watch anime with and rant about my diy woodworking hobbies and other stupid nerdy stuff.
 
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