How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Spilled Spaghett said:
It's not like they were interested in anything else going on in my life other than my grades.
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Could be my own mother there, not good dealing with that as a child. It seems like every week I'm alive, with all of the introspection I've been doing the past two plus years, I put more puzzle pieces together in regards to my parents and their families, like the psychology behind it and the dynamics, it's really horrid to see this kind of infighting between Boomers which has gone on for decades, holding onto either decades old grievances or letting other relatives run roughshod over them or something else causing problems when there shouldn't be and you get hit in the crossfire.

Among other things, I am going to endure to the end regardless of how bad it gets, as I think I might've mentioned before. Everyone's got their own burden to bear in life, though I understand I am at a point with a relative (who will remain nameless) where it's not going to "get better" until I or them are removed out of the situation. I understand my mind cannot fully begin to heal from rage building up while I'm still in the situation, though I cannot just get up and leave due to the horrific state of the economy and how expensive everything is. Will just stay in scripture and take one day at a time - it's just that this is an instance where it's not possible to leave peaceably with all men.

Incidentally, I don't want everyone else in the US continually moving to Florida - there are no jobs, costs of living are going through the roof to the point where I'm planning to start selling stuff on eBay, and the state just keeps building houses nobody under 60 can afford. There is a definite population spike here within the past two years, and it's affecting the natives of the state in regards to home and job availability - a handful of my childhood friends work minimum wage clerk jobs because I don't think we can find much of anything else, and that's not getting into the horrendous state of education in this country.
 
Wujime said:
Tried to kill myself today, didn't have the courage. But it's gonna happen soon.
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Don't do that shit nigger.

I killed myself today
Because I am a freak
Oh wait I actually didn't
Because I'm fucking weak.

No seriously don't, life may not be fun but it's funny. Stay alive long enough to laugh at shit.

Seriously, life is short enough. Wait until you're dying of cancer or something to do that shit. This world is hilarious and stupid. Enjoy it while you can.
 
I am so fucking tired, man. It sucks being 34 and being a NEET, plus my sleep schedule this past week has been bonkers.
There's an event in a game that I have 8 hours left to finish as much of as I can, but my bed is calling me with its siren song. Surely a 30 minute power nap won't become 3 hours of full sleep, surely.
Ratboy Genius said:
Are there any specific things that help bring you guys down from a panic attack? For me, if my phone's in reach, I'll listen to a few specific songs. If my phone's not in reach, I'm kinda screwed haha...
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Have you tried breathing exercises? It's kind of like meditation where you focus on your breath, inhaling through your nose for three seconds, holding it for 3 seconds, and exhaling through your mouth for 3 seconds. There are apps that can guide you through it with visuals so you won't have to count yourself, and fully immersing you on your breathing can be very helpful.
Alternatively, I have a therapist who also does hypno therapy. I used to have a bunch of mp3 files of her guiding me through a scenario, usually a calming experience where you focus on something that makes you happy, like running your fingers through your pet's fur or imagining you are a tree, with roots that help secure you and encouraging self-confidence, alas these files are in Danish so I couldn't really offer them to you even if I had them.
Alternatively, I like to listen to game OSTs like Skyrim's night themed songs. Set a sleep timer to 30 minutes and then just closing my eyes, focusing on my breath and listening to Secunda.
Also, touching grass is very effective. Sit yourself down on a bench in a secluded nature area if you can, and just feel the wind playing with your hair and the ground beneath you. Can recommend, especially if you're going outside at night and just sitting, staring at the stars and the moon for 2-5 minutes.
 
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Ratboy Genius said:
Are there any specific things that help bring you guys down from a panic attack? For me, if my phone's in reach, I'll listen to a few specific songs. If my phone's not in reach, I'm kinda screwed haha...
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I rarely have panic attacks. Much more often I have I just don't give a fuck any more attacks.
 
The Feline Solution 2 said:
Every single girl/woman i've been together with has been like that (so, sample size of around 18 )
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Wow. No need to brag.
Ratboy Genius said:
Are there any specific things that help bring you guys down from a panic attack? For me, if my phone's in reach, I'll listen to a few specific songs. If my phone's not in reach, I'm kinda screwed haha...
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I mostly freak out in my room, since that's where I spend most of my time anyways. I attempt to get rid of all incoming light, as well as turning off my computer and lamps, and I play some relaxing music on my phone. It is surprisingly effective, as my mind focuses solely on the music and I sleep like a baby.
I rarely do this, however. I find it burdensome to deal with my own thoughts. I mostly try to escape them. Hating yourself does that to you, and I think that it's kinda sad that I keep disregarding its negative effects on my life.
PetiteFeet said:
Have you tried breathing exercises? It's kind of like meditation where you focus on your breath, inhaling through your nose for three seconds, holding it for 3 seconds, and exhaling through your mouth for 3 seconds. There are apps that can guide you through it with visuals so you won't have to count yourself, and fully immersing you on your breathing can be very helpful.
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Surprisingly enough, breathing deeply doesn't work for me. However, gently touching any part of my body and addressing the physical stimulus is way more effective.
It may be an ADHD thing, but whenever I can't concentrate for shit I rub my thumb and index finger together. That shit helps me focus way more than it should. I also make inaudible noises without saying a specific word to focus; the tactile feedback is enough. I sometimes have to increase the volume, though. God, I sound so autistic :story:
 
My problem is mild compared to some of the horrorshows you guys are going through, but sometimes the only way I can solve a problem is to 1. bitch about it, followed by -> 2. notice something really obvious when I'm done bitching. Like when you describe a dream to a friend and then the embarrassing subtext you just prattled off becomes painfully overt to both of you.

My body has decided for the past month that 10am is the time to wake up. It doesn't matter when I go to sleep for my nightly 8. If I sleep at 11pm? I will wake up at 1am. Putter around uselessly for three hours, then catch the 4am-10am window to catch those other six hours of rest.

It's not seasonality, we're deep into Winter when this began.
It's not something I'm eating, I track that religiously and revert anything that has a bad effect.
It's not isolation, if anything I've been more social and creatively productive than I have been in a long while.
It's not lack of routine either.

It could be stress. But I am completely blind to stress; like a kid with stomach pains who doesn't realize he needs to take a shit. All the typical 'big' causes of stress are absent, so far as I can tell.

I need to be able to wake up at 6/7am. I can't cheat it. I'm zombified if I force an early start and get less than seven hours of rest. Bonus points if anyone can solve the problem of taking two hours every day to wake up and become cognizant of the world around me.

Wujime said:
Tried to kill myself today, didn't have the courage. But it's gonna happen soon.
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When you're looking for solutions to problems and can't find any - it's not because there aren't solutions, it's because you can't see them. Put your faith in someone (even a dead person) who can guide you out of the hole. When their advice seems stupid, just remind yourself that you are too stupid to assess whether the advice is good or not - otherwise you would not be in a hole. Smart people don't wind up in holes wishing they were dead.

Most of my problems started to solve themselves once I lowered my opinion of my own intelligence. The world became much bigger and full of hope as I went from thinking I could see 100% of it - to realizing I only glimpse 1%. If you're lucky, your problem now is the problem I had, and the advice will work. You have nothing to lose, so no excuses are good enough for not trying something new.

Some of the best advice I got, when I was a non-believer, was to just unabashedly ask Jesus for all kinds of things I hadn't worked for and wasn't pious enough to merit. I balked at it. 'Heard this a hundred times before.' But the retort was 'okay... but have you ever tried it? What do you have to lose? Your time? You are wasting your time. Your pride? No one has to know you're doing it. If it doesn't work after a month, just give it up. At least you can cross another thing off the list.' So I asked for help quitting smoking and He gave me a solid week where I didn't feel the slightest urge, craving, or suffering for nicotine. Completely free of charge. Generous guy, that God.

Endless Blabbery said:
God, I sound so autistic
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If you think that's bad, sometimes I have to wrap a tensor bandage around my thigh to focus. Sends enough feedback to my cerebellum to stop it from running riot.
 
Legalize Asbestos said:
My body has decided for the past month that 10am is the time to wake up. It doesn't matter when I go to sleep for my nightly 8. If I sleep at 11pm? I will wake up at 1am. Putter around uselessly for three hours, then catch the 4am-10am window to catch those other six hours of rest.
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Has your diet changed? Any lifestyle changes at all? I honestly am not knowledgeable in the slightest but maybe a lurker could help out.
 
Ratboy Genius said:
Are there any specific things that help bring you guys down from a panic attack?
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Look at your surroundings and verbally identify three objects. I've had better luck with five, and describing them to myself so that focus is put on them rather than whatever's got me fucked up. Once I've deescalated I immediately distract myself with something that requires attention like YouTube videos.
 
Endless Blabbery said:
Has your diet changed? Any lifestyle changes at all? I honestly am not knowledgeable in the slightest but maybe a lurker could help out.
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No dietary changes. I'm touched with 'tism so keep a close eye on it.

Only lifestyle change is unemployment since I have a bunch of schooling to do this year. Normally a job forces me to reset sleep eventually, but I'm hoping to learn to do that under my own power without external factors. I've filled up the interim time with exercise and flirting and crafting and studying, so it's not like I'm vegging out.

Only real clue I have to go off of is I took some ritalin the other day (from my old med stash) and slept solid 10pm-8am that night.
 
Ratboy Genius said:
Are there any specific things that help bring you guys down from a panic attack? For me, if my phone's in reach, I'll listen to a few specific songs. If my phone's not in reach, I'm kinda screwed haha...
Synthwave in general is very soothing for me, but these in particular have really saved me
https://youtube.com/watch?v=otUdSVy8BBQhttps://youtube.com/watch?v=9vY4WkO2enI(Eagle Eyed Tiger is the goat)
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It's rare that I go into a full blown panic attack, but I run. Your body is in flight mode so just go with it and run. Burn through the adrenaline. Your body is trying to make you flee from what it thinks is a hostile situation so don't fight it, just leave.

Music is about the only thing that helps me connect emotionally. I have different playlists depending on my mood and one that's kind of a mix. My stuff is a little heavier because I'm into metal but I can throw out a few recommendations for more uplifting songs.
 
I feel like I need to cry in order to feel the full spectrum of emotions again but I can't fully cry. I almost cried a week ago and it helped just to sniffle then my body went into stoic mode.
 
Ratboy Genius said:
Are there any specific things that help bring you guys down from a panic attack? For me, if my phone's in reach, I'll listen to a few specific songs. If my phone's not in reach, I'm kinda screwed haha...
Click to expand...
I don't get full-blown panic attacks, but I do get wound up with anxiety until I can't function properly. I use these when that happens. The only problem is that sometimes they make me EXTREMELY tired. Maybe they are panic attacks, I dunno. I've been formally diagnosed with anxiety, and I feel like I've lived my entire life in some state of anxiousness.
https://bi-tapp.com/

As to my day, I quit drinking for New Year's, which has made me less of an overall asshole (other people's words, not mine), but I'm moody as fuck. Today I was less moody than normal, so that's good.
 
Guh. I stupidly asked my brother for help with getting me an SSD, thinking he knew more about PC parts than I do because he helped me with getting my pc built. He does not. And the one friend who could have helped me with figuring that out, I burned the friendship with by having a mental health episode.
I just want to be able to use my PC without it shitting itself. I'm too old and stupid to understand anything I read when I try to research this kind of stuff for myself, and I'm too wary of building a new pc in general (nevermind that I'd have to budget for a new one.)
Surely a custom machine from 2017 should be fine in 2026. It ran Cyberpunk on high, just fine, back in 2020.

I feel like I'm losing my mind over everything that's currently happening. AI in your browser no matter the browser brand, enshitification of the internet and OS'es, enshitification of everything in the real world, my disability check and housing security keeps fluctuating despite my many attempts at re-reporting what I earn and what I pay in taxes. I can't even retreat to my favourite passtimes because of anhedonia. I haven't picked up a pencil to attempt to draw in over a year now, I never got further with my wood carving project since summer.
99% of this is 5AM brain talking, and I know I should really just go sleep, but I also know that sleeping won't really change anything except dialling my hysterics down from a 9 to a 6.

My social worker is coming by in 5 hours, and I need to get my psych appointment rescheduled by an hour, otherwise she won't be able to help me with attending and I'd have to rely on my father for that. While I love him dearly, he doesn't fully understand just how deeply troubled his youngest is, so his assistance, while touching, would be useless in the sense of getting me the proper help I need as I cannot fully articulate to the medical professionals I've been seeing just how deep I have spiraled.

Family dinner with my parents and older brother also revealed that my brother never got fully informed about my diagnoses, and I think he was mildly shocked when the topic came to be about my current crisis. A depression and an anxiety diagnosis is easier to swallow for most, it's very relatable, but personality disorders? People will have heard of any of the Cluster B ones and the stigma those afflicted by it experience. People don't really know about the "quiet" ones and will be shocked when you say "disordered personality," thinking the absolute worst about you.
I'm not ashamed of admitting my status in society, but it does help to depress me further that I can never, ever, truly and deeply relate to other people simply because I am Other.
I'll try to quit caffeine for the rest of January. Actually get back on ozempic, too. Food noise in my head decreases dramatically when I'm on semaglutide. As Todd Howard would say, It Just Works.
 
PetiteFeet said:
Have you tried breathing exercises? It's kind of like meditation where you focus on your breath, inhaling through your nose for three seconds, holding it for 3 seconds, and exhaling through your mouth for 3 seconds.
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Yeah, but there's one small problem... When I'm having a panic attack, I'm probably also crying or will soon be crying, so my nose will be all stuffy or runny. So I can only breathe through my mouth...

Thank you for your kind words, everyone :heart-full:
 
Ratboy Genius said:
Are there any specific things that help bring you guys down from a panic attack? For me, if my phone's in reach, I'll listen to a few specific songs. If my phone's not in reach, I'm kinda screwed haha...
Synthwave in general is very soothing for me, but these in particular have really saved me
https://youtube.com/watch?v=otUdSVy8BBQhttps://youtube.com/watch?v=9vY4WkO2enI(Eagle Eyed Tiger is the goat)
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In my most recent depressive episode I had some months ago I found a video with relaxing ambient music. There was one song in particular in that video that made me feel the most calm. I only put these on when it was so bad that I couldn’t focus on anything else and the best course of action was to just let the attack happen. (The ”emergency” therapist I went to for 3 sessions suggested I lay a puzzle or watch my favorite tv show. Bitch, I cannot hear myself think over the deafening ”just do it now”s and feeling like my head is on fire while I’m being chased by a bear, laying puzzles is kinda not possible right now)

Fast forward to a few nights ago. I’m better now but I’m still dealing with a lot of residual physical symptoms, but my head is 1000% clearer. I usually put on some random semi-interesting video to fall asleep to. This night I put on some slop video about a game I’ve been playing lately. I fall asleep and wake up to this retarded fucking idiot YouTuber playing the song I used to listen to in the middle of the video for some reason, and it was like I woke up right back in that panic attack. It was horrible.

So be careful listening to those songs when you’re not panicking or anxious, they might actually have the opposite effect.
Wujime said:
Tried to kill myself today, didn't have the courage. But it's gonna happen soon.
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One thing in life is for sure, it will end. You just have to hold on until then. Carrying this on your own is too heavy. Tell someone about it, talk to us about it. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself from these thoughts.
 
My coworkers happened to be a little less of snakes than I thought they had been. Really, I thought less of them because they were gossipping and badmouthing about one of our colleauges - a little wacky person, as I thought, who actually happened to be not just wacky but absolutely batshit insane.
Knowing a little more about this particular colleague has been a horrifying experience. I felt like I was looking down the abyss only to find out it was looking at me all along.
As I suspected, this person would be an absolute lolcow (horrocow).
Hope, I won't have nightmares.
 
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