How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Delirium Trigger said:
It would be nice if various institutions didn't treat me like a heroin addict for occasionally using THC edibles to help me sleep soundly. Prazosin just isn't enough to keep the PTSD nightmares at bay, which sounds so faggy but my nightmares aren't just "I got fired and my wife left me" but I came back home and there was an arm, slammed shut in my bedroom door. Someone left a garbage bag full of dismembered body parts of my loved ones in my bedroom.

I don't think I'll be sleeping again for a while.
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i read this completely wrong and i thought you LITERALLY came home to etc etc, holy shit im sorry you are having dreams like that, i dont think i would want to ever sleep again :cryblood:
 
the khat quaffer said:
I sold my aunt's ladder and some other junk she didn't want in a remarkably short time since posting them, I got to keep 20% of the sales. I initially said I wanted nothing, then caved to 10%, and she insisted on 20%. She is allergic to technology so she can't use marketplace apps.

Now I get to go to see a talkie tomorrow w/ my best friend and others. That zoo movie where the critters can talk. Maybe a slice of pizza after too.

The profit from the sales is the only reason I get to go. Times are tough, I'm out here treating nickels like manhole covers lately.

In other words, shitty, but sometimes you have to joyfully participate in the suffering of the world.
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The Zootopia franchise (please stop at two) has cured my racism. More like removed most of it.
 
Delirium Trigger said:
Prazosin just isn't enough
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Prazosin helped me a lot with my ptsd nightmares, but what helped the most was getting TMS and having kids. TMS helped with the eternal depression spiral, kids helped exhaust me. Am too tired and busy to ruminate, which would dump gasoline on the nightmare fire. The shit that sets me off is down to a few very specific situations that almost never arise, and when they do, the episodes are manageable. No real nightmares to speak of.

Ten years ago I’d have never imagined I’d come this far in not having ptsd dominate my life. I was on 6 or 7 different meds just to stay alive back then. Have been totally med free for six years.

There’s hope, brother man. Keep pushing through.
 
Banquet Meal said:
idk. my husband and i are pretty boring, but everything is so different now...the goth/club scene is so different now..like now days, if you arent sucking the girl cock, you will be ostracized, like completely iced out, and it sucks. i knew a guy who jokingly called his friend gay, and he was kicked out that same night..he had been the dj for this club for like 15 years!
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Holy shit the last time I went to a goth night with Mr. Devereaux four years ago, it was all trannies in the women's room and they were all rude as fuck to a cis woman who was just trying to get in the stall to take a piss while they were crowding the door looking at porn and giggling to themselves. We left 20 minutes later once we realized it smelled horrible in there and went to a normie club nearby and had a decent time. I can't imagine how bad it is now in the alternative or nerd scenes with these assholes now making up 90% of the scope. Depressing lack of available venues for socializing without these fucking freaks invading every single space and making you feel like you're unwelcome.
 
Brett DeLawyer said:
Prazosin helped me a lot with my ptsd nightmares, but what helped the most was getting TMS and having kids. TMS helped with the eternal depression spiral, kids helped exhaust me. Am too tired and busy to ruminate, which would dump gasoline on the nightmare fire. The shit that sets me off is down to a few very specific situations that almost never arise, and when they do, the episodes are manageable. No real nightmares to speak of.

Ten years ago I’d have never imagined I’d come this far in not having ptsd dominate my life. I was on 6 or 7 different meds just to stay alive back then. Have been totally med free for six years.

There’s hope, brother man. Keep pushing through.
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I've never even heard of TMS until now. It sounds promising - meds just make me fat and retarded, but TMS sounds like it could actually improve brain function. Thank you for this, I'll look into it.

Kids are a little further off into the future sadly, but I'm looking forward to it. Especially since it sounds like it can help wear me out and sleep better, not keep me awake and make me worse. I feel like I see a lot of those FB warrior mommies looking for ass-pats, wondering if they're doing a good job. I can see how it'd be easier to sleep at night, if you're simply feeling confident that you're doing great at raising the next generation. Fuck yes.
 
Blanche Devereaux said:
t was all trannies in the women's room and they were all rude as fuck to a cis woman
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yep.
ive seen people ive known for 20 years suddenly become some human shield for trannies, and they never were before. its really scary. no more enjoying music and talking about being social outcasts even as middle aged adults, people want to bitch and argue and defend a group of assholes who only care about their gross fetish.
now i just pretty much go to shows...yes, there are definitely trannies there, but i try and get vip seating so i dont have to sit with anyone.

on another rant, assholes who drag children to adult shows...i saw lords of acid a few years ago, its been a while..but the venue owner had her 5 year old child there. and if anyone knows anything about lords of acid, its really not kid friendly, i was mortified!!
and the opening act to this show was combichrist :lossmanjack:
 
Blanche Devereaux said:
I'm sick of going to funerals my god I have grief fatigue
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You need to find something to cheer yourself. What would you like to do, is there anything to distract yourself? Sorry for your losses.
SoleniyKraut said:
There are a few things I invest effort and time into, that I get progress and success in - but still feel unfulfilled. Otherwise I'm fine.
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Well shit, sounds like me. I'm trying to find something to keep me feeling fulfilled, but alas, nothing. What I noticed it is the emptiness, akin to something that is missing. With it, it is up to you to find out what is missing on your life.
Blanche Devereaux said:
Holy shit the last time I went to a goth night with Mr. Devereaux four years ago, it was all trannies in the women's room and they were all rude as fuck to a cis woman who was just trying to get in the stall to take a piss while they were crowding the door looking at porn and giggling to themselves. We left 20 minutes later once we realized it smelled horrible in there and went to a normie club nearby and had a decent time. I can't imagine how bad it is now in the alternative or nerd scenes with these assholes now making up 90% of the scope. Depressing lack of available venues for socializing without these fucking freaks invading every single space and making you feel like you're unwelcome.
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I'm grateful for never liking goth in the first place - what a mess. Fucking hell. Yet, I had to abandon ga(y)ming.
 
Yesterday was kind of a drag. That really is the best way to put it. I have to have a couple tough conversations at work, nothing horrific but I just hate admitting I need some help, even when I know that the person I'm asking likes me a lot and will be graceful and supportive about it.

Then I stepped out and realized the days are getting longer. Maybe I'm becoming old and hippy-ish but that made me happy on a very deep level. Whatever else is going on, the sun's going to rise in the morning, if you have a roof over your head you're doing okay in the grand scheme of things, and all that happy horseshit.
 
Without going into too much detail, my former employers are now trying to stab me in the back two months after firing me. I am absolutely getting a lawyer.
 
Technically I'm doing better than usual today, but I'm sad because I found out last night that my favorite author and good friend is approaching death (according to her). There is this author I've really grown to like years and years ago, and I consider it one of the greatest aspects of my life that I could go from being a fan to knowing her to being in contact with her to being in her inner circle to even being credited in at least two of her works. I've been thinking about this a lot.

We were talking about credits earlier yesterday. She mentioned she completed her second book with me as a credited person. I felt some "guilt" over it because she was being generous and I kind of dragged my feet in the project. In order to kind of back down, I mentioned my level of lenience when it came to what I expect out of a project, and she was like "no, I want to honor you my way at least once before my diabetes does me in" and it was like a blow to me because we've talked about it before and she's confident she doesn't have a lot of time left. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to mention the name, but she actually has an honorable mention (or whatever this community's equivalent of honorable mentions are) in this community. I tend to think of myself as accustomed to the impermanence of life, and yet things like this still shut down my month.
 
Spilled Spaghett said:
My parents always hated how much I liked video games.
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My situation is actually the opposite! I'm not an iPad baby but a PC baby, so I spent most of my life in front of a screen. That's not good.
I developed an addiction to videogames. I cannot grab a goddamn book and read it because I get impatient and anxious. I hardly know how to socialize. Also, considering how I moved on from videogames to reading ze news (Xitter, not CNN or whatever the fuck), I also find it increasingly harder to trust people now.
 
⋖ cørdion ⋗ said:
If I bumped into someone my age on a cold tuesday evening, I'd understand them whining about work, their job, their back, their finances. I'd look through them not being a total babe because the relatability of misery is more attractive than any set of perky tits. "I've never had sex before" oh okay well we'll figure it out". Not like the youth are any good at sex these days from what I've read, it's all unironically beating, choking and spitting that neither part enjoy.
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I'm in that same boat. Several moments of pleasure cannot compare to someone you can relate to and trust.
Endless Blabbery said:
Yeah. I mean, the symptoms check out; they were fairly similar to mine, after all.
The issue relies on the fact that when I displayed some very clear symptoms of anxiety and depression, my father refused to admit anything was wrong at all, by saying dumb shit like depression is a willpower issue, that having a roof over my head and not going hungry should override any and all negative blabbery. In a way, despite getting obviously frustrated, I theorized that maybe he just didn't get it; maybe he's never been depressed so who knows, maybe when he's forced to deal with it he'll understand?
Now he's going through something similar as I did, symptoms-wise, and refuses to admit it; maybe he's always been depressed? That would imply that despite noticing the telltale signs of depression and anxiety, he tried to gaslight me into not caring about them. So it's either a macho, couldn't-know-any-better thing or a manipulative parent thing; neither are good.
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Do you know if his father had similar views to him on depression? It might be a learned thing.
souschef said:
I ate a lot of peppers today and now i've got the nigger lips
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It do be like that Mr. souschef.
 
Troon Petty and the 41ers said:
Then I stepped out and realized the days are getting longer. Maybe I'm becoming old and hippy-ish but that made me happy on a very deep level. Whatever else is going on, the sun's going to rise in the morning, if you have a roof over your head you're doing okay in the grand scheme of things, and all that happy horseshit.
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Happy feelings are good, nourishing, and important.

A little anecdote:
Yesterday it was snowing most of the day - mostly the nice, fluffy snow (though at times blowing completely horizontally). I had to run an errand, and on the way there I felt mildly inconvenienced by the snow, as it is over ice & therefore tricky for driving, and I was thinking how I need to salt/ sand my front walk and steep side of the driveway, need to find my extreme Yak Trax (the regular ones are worthless) so I don't die on that driveway hill taking my garbage/ recycling bins down to the street this weekend, that I needed to start my kid's car, which has been outside in the cold and snow for awhile while they are traveling, that's there's another $60 driveway snow plow I'll be billed....just whole focus on the tasks and burdens increased by having a bunch of snow. Wasn't mad or irritated, but I was focusing on the burden & to-dos.

When I got to my destination, as I got out of the car I decided to take a pause, looked up into the soft snow coming down and the snowflakes landing on my coat, and was actually able to go back mentally and find some of that child-aged wonder and appreciation, beyond just the abstract awareness that snowcover is quite pretty - but to really feel some joy and connection with it. Usually you need at least to be put in some quiet, snowy woods for that, but I was just pulled up to a suburban storefront - local hardware store - with cars etc all around. It was really, really nice to take a beat and stop thinking about "to do, to do, to do" and to forget about feeling slightly antagonized by the extra work it brings, but instead just to appreciate it and experience a little pure wonder.

And me being me, I told the clerks at the store about thst moment and refocus (because I talk to strangers all the time). And you know what? They (both probably late 60s/70-something, pretty hardened types) paused, too, and smiled - really natural smiles, as though they were remembering that feeling as well, and realizing they hadn't felt that way in a long time, either.

It was a nice moment.

(And it made the salt/ sand task feel like nothing when I got home, whereas at times it has felt like a minor irritation I want to delay - hefting 50 lb bags to a smaller container, spreading in the freezing cold (and slipping all over without warning while doing it), a slow and precarious process, getting annoyed I ran out and that I now have another to-do). So much of perceived burden, or actual irritation, is down to perspective and resistance.

(...though I def need new snow boots, bc my 2 pair of smartwool + 1 pair alpaca wool socks might as well have been wet rags - my feet were freezing for hours afterward. Any recs for slip-on, rubber-bottomed, very insulated boots with a deep grip tread most appreciated.)
 
Last year was wonderful, this year will be a massive clusterfuck-time-crunch-hell-nightmare but if I can make it work, I'll be making great strides toward a long time goal I've had. I'd like to wish all of you similar luck and success even though things are complete shit right now.

Also as gay as it is. I'd like to thank everyone here. This place, autistic and retarded as it is has been a real beacon of sanity and humor in the time I've had an account and the years I've lurked before that. Life has only gotten harder in that time, with more shit to do and people to deal with, but its really nice to log on and see what dumpster fire is burning today. Godspeed to all of you, in all of your endeavors
 
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