How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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I'd love to be totally unbothered about it right this second.
You cannot make anyone love you. Or like you.
This is a lesson I have tried and failed to learn my entire life and I continue to be wounded by my abject and complete failure to learn it.
Can you talk to any mutual friends to get more insight?
 
I really appreciate the suggestion, but energy drinks are usually a bad call for me. I have adrenal POTS which basically means I get an adrenaline dump every time I try to stand. Sounds like your daughter has the low blood volume/pressure type (which I think is the most common). Medicine probably made her cold because of blood vessel restriction. She probably knows this already but adding lots of sodium/electrolytes and B vitamins to your diet helps a lot with symptoms. I'm guessing energy drinks help just because they raise blood pressure in general, but I'd ask her to check the label and see if it's high in anything like sodium, she might be missing something in her diet or supplement regimen. Drinking a ton of water also helps keep up blood volume, so if she does find something else to take, make sure she's still chugging liquids. I'm sorry you have to watch your daughter go through this, I hope her condition gets better over time. I'll keep you both in my thoughts.
im going to tell her about the B vitamins. poor girl is so pale and tired all the time...and shes also worried people will think shes faking it for attention, because apparently there are lots of videos of young girls doing this, but its not like shes doing anything of the sort. i used to give her these giant salt tablets but they made her stomach hurt. i feel bad for both of you, having to deal with this issue, because it definitely has to suck!!! :feels:
 
im going to tell her about the B vitamins. poor girl is so pale and tired all the time...and shes also worried people will think shes faking it for attention, because apparently there are lots of videos of young girls doing this, but its not like shes doing anything of the sort. i used to give her these giant salt tablets but they made her stomach hurt. i feel bad for both of you, having to deal with this issue, because it definitely has to suck!!! :feels:
Has she had her iron levels checked? Anaemia in young women is very common and can lead to similar symptoms.
If you have issues with feeling faint when you stand from lying or sitting , you can also sort of tense/pull in your stomach and thigh muscles and glutes as you do and it helps to pump blood back up to your head. It does work, I often feel a bit dizzy if I get out of bed quickly, and this works a treat. I think it’s very common to feel like that,, especially first thing in the morning when you’ve been lying down all night.
 
Got my MRI appointment today, can't wait to lie in a cramped tube and listen to this for 20 minutes:
I'm curious if the radiologist will ask me again if i got my injury from body building like the last time i went, about two years ago. I remember i looked down on myself at that time, seeing my belly and being very close to asking her "Are you, like, fucking with me right now?" :story:
Any of you deal with elderly pets?
Not anymore (:_(
Taking a tolerance break for the first time in like.... 8 years of near daily marijuana use. I used to always bitch that I wasn't a pothead, that I had my reasons for smoking, I'm built different, the usual shit.
Anyways, I'm on day 2 and I'm already crawling up the fucking wall. I'm honestly really disappointed in myself for having this reaction. I know it's normal to go through some form of withdrawal but I was convinced that it would not affect me at all and that it would be as simple as it was for me to kick cigarettes. Boy am I fucking wrong. The cravings have been hitting me like a truck and I've been reduced to slapping my thighs and arms repeatedly to get my mind off of it when they do hit me. I feel like a fucking crackhead. Sleep has not been coming easy for me as well and I feel any semblance of I focus I had is gone. Like wow! Maybe I am dependent on a substance! I am not above the human condition!

Luckily my husband is also doing a break with me as well so I'm not alone but it's so weird watching him be perfectly fine meanwhile my ass is borderline swinging from the rafters.
I am proud of myself for not saying fuck it after the first day however, and after several failed attempts at doing this I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can actually do it so here's hoping I actually make it more than a week.
I've said it before in other threads about drugs, i've known legit cokeheads who seemed to deal better with a couple of days of abstinence than the average weed smoker does. The psychological addiction aspect gets downplayed like a motherfucker when it comes to weed and there are definitely physical addiction symptomes as well. You should be good on the physical side in about a week, the mental hurdle of not smoking all day erry day again is much harder to overcome.
Regarding the "couldn't be me" "i'm built different" stuff is something that i think every addict tells themself, i know i sure did.
 
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I'm sick of giving my communist friends any grace or tolerance. Why the fuck should I, when if they even knew I posted here, they'd want me dead? I'm ghosting all these stupid fucks, they won't even notice.

Q: Why do you have communist friends? They used to be more normal :/ I've known these people over a decade.
 
Feels real bad.
Embrace the suck and give yourself a time period to sulk. Like, I'll think about this until friday then move on. If you feel miserable later on you can rely on "I've done my part on thinking about this before."
I'm just soft-hearted and grieving the loss of an important friendship that I never knew was dying in the first place.
You relied on it too much. Other person moved on without you over time, you are left with an empty basket and a sudden shock, how could this have happened so fast, I did my part well?
I feel like that fucking gif of Andy dropping Woody on the ground and going "I don't want to play with you anymore" and it's driving me insane lmao.
Fug it really. The shock is also that you've cared about this person fondly and you see it's empty on the other side and you completely deluded yourself the feeling is mutual.
"I'm changing as a person", and "my interests are changing", and "idk I just have a hard time engaging with you recently". Yeowch.
I'd say this friend upgraded his/her friend circle and doesn't want you around anymore.
I am nothing but talk, never the walk.
That's one of the execution disorders/disabilities perhaps. It can be treated.
This is a lesson I have tried and failed to learn my entire life and I continue to be wounded by my abject and complete failure to learn it.
You are too good for this world
poor girl is so pale and tired all the time
That's the first signs of anemia. If she has heavy periods she may be loosing lots of iron.
Iron uptake is also reliant on having enough vitamins to process it into blood. I'd send her to a doc to get blood work done. Iron and iron reserves used to be like 15USD for a check.
 
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I got ghosted

Since we are on the subject of rejection, amd labels that get slapped on people… has anyone explored with you WHY you find such things so painful? Why do you avoid stuff? The answer will be some flavour of pain avoidance.
When you get rejected, or when people ghost you, it hurts. That can become so painful that you become avoidant. Rejection is a mirror held up to the self - it’s showing you something within yourself that you find deficient in some way. Until you can see what that is, you’ll continue to be hurt by it.
For example if as a child affection and love was dependent on being good, or compliant, or performance you’ll continue to carry that pattern through to adulthood. You’ll think that if you just do x or y, and behave well and be good or make people happy and work hard and not complain ever then you’ll get the affection/approval/love. But life isn’t like that, and sometimes like your friend they just ghost you for a reason that may be purely them, but it leaves you poking that wound again, and that hurts. And sometimes you fail at stuff and that’s life as well.
The answer allegedly is to become self sufficient and to realise that the approval of others doesn’t indicate your self worth. that has to come from within, or some such hippy talk.
If anyone actually manages to DO this rather than simply nod and say ‘yes that’s a good point’ then do let me know how, because I can manage it like a pro for society in general disliking me for my opinions, but I fall down hard when it comes to the vanishingly few people in my life I actually like. Since I’m quite proud of not being generally socially compliant, or socially controlled, this knocks me hard every time it happens in other areas of life. I have no problem at all holding socially unacceptable opinions. But clearly on some level I am not an island.
Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible. -Carl Jung.
You are too good for this world
thats very nice of you to say, but I would disagree. Thanks anyway.
Someone recently told me that all the things we encounter that may seem terrible are actually lessons, that teach us things we need to know, and it made me think.
 
Got my MRI appointment today, can't wait to lie in a cramped tube and listen to this for 20 minutes:
20 minutes? Lucky. I once had to lie on one of these for a full hour during a hospital stay, it was a full body scan so I couldn't move at all. By the 30 minute mark I was getting so fidgety that a nurse entered the room to tell me to stop moving lol.

I got to keep a DVD with the images though, being able to see your own insides is neat.
 
20 minutes? Lucky. I once had to lie on one of these for a full hour during a hospital stay, it was a full body scan so I couldn't move at all. By the 30 minute mark I was getting so fidgety that a nurse entered the room to tell me to stop moving lol.

I got to keep a DVD with the images though, being able to see your own insides is neat.
For my arm it was 20 mins so i was going from that. It is my back today, sure hope it isn't anywhere close to an hour. Even with the ear protection on the sounds made me crazy.
 
Taking a tolerance break for the first time in like.... 8 years of near daily marijuana use. I used to always bitch that I wasn't a pothead, that I had my reasons for smoking, I'm built different, the usual shit.
Anyways, I'm on day 2 and I'm already crawling up the fucking wall. I'm honestly really disappointed in myself for having this reaction. I know it's normal to go through some form of withdrawal but I was convinced that it would not affect me at all and that it would be as simple as it was for me to kick cigarettes. Boy am I fucking wrong. The cravings have been hitting me like a truck and I've been reduced to slapping my thighs and arms repeatedly to get my mind off of it when they do hit me. I feel like a fucking crackhead. Sleep has not been coming easy for me as well and I feel any semblance of I focus I had is gone. Like wow! Maybe I am dependent on a substance! I am not above the human condition!

Luckily my husband is also doing a break with me as well so I'm not alone but it's so weird watching him be perfectly fine meanwhile my ass is borderline swinging from the rafters.
I am proud of myself for not saying fuck it after the first day however, and after several failed attempts at doing this I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can actually do it so here's hoping I actually make it more than a week.
My partner and I are both taking a weed break, he was the everyday user and I used it for pain relief. I wanted to stop when I started replacing my rapidly dwindling alcohol habits with it but even then that was maybe a hit or 2 off a vape pen 2-3 times a week. For the first week I really did feel the urge, I would hold the vape in my hands and force myself to toss it away before I used it. Its very funny that I now grow pot for a living and can see just what the fuck it does to people, for instance the amount of asthma in the employees there isn't normal. Every time someone asks me if I tried the strain I just smile and go not yet as they all head out on lunch break to mcdonalds so they can eat shit food and smoke their dabs. I think there is a future in medical usage for weed truly but the weed industry is gonna be hit hard by regulations much like nicotine vape was during covid. They only wanna grow these Frankenstein plants filled to the brim with as much thc as possible. I doubt it will last.
 
For my arm it was 20 mins so i was going from that. It is my back today, sure hope it isn't anywhere close to an hour. Even with the ear protection on the sounds made me crazy.
Full spine is anywhere between half to one hour. I had my hips and lower back scanned recently and it was half an hour. The noise was unpleasant and Whitney Houston was on loop and it was bloody freezing. I was shivering so much they had to go get me an extra blanket.
 
When does inpatient start?
It didn't.
I had a minor anxious breakdown, again. But in its place, I have an appointment with the psych ward in February.
I reasoned that I will continue to do evasive manoeuvres with every other facet of my health until I have my mental health under control, that that is just the nature of my disordered personality. Now whether that was sound reasoning or just another castle in the sky that I'll make up to make myself feel better until everything boils over and I can't keep going any more, that's something only future PetiteFeet knows.
 
idk why im awake, because i have an MRI in 2 hours, for my arm...this will show hopefully why im hurting so much, despite having 2 surgeries...one slap repair and rotator cuff surgery, and then a surgery to try and fix the failed procedure...i shouldve done this sooner, but the last surgery didnt go well, and the pain was horrible.
still insane that a person can go their entire life with no broken bones, no accidents, and then one day....thats it. its been a rough 3 years.
also, im really glad that this place offers iv sedation, because im a huge coward, and being in tiny places makes my skin crawl :spudking:

i hope all of you have a good monday!! :heart-full:
 
Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible. -Carl Jung.
That's a really good quote. Surprising to see something capture how I feel in so few words.
I had a minor anxious breakdown, again.
I'm sorry to hear this.

Thread tax: Insomnia related issues are only partially resolved. My sleep schedule has been somewhat realigned, but I can't sleep for many hours. May be partly related to anxiety since I'll be seeing a theRapist later this week for the first time. I suppose I have somewhat come to terms with the fact that I have certain unresolved mental issues that time has proven I can not resolve myself (I am posting itt after all). Earlier I went on a long walk scouting the therapist's office location to soothe any anxieties I may have about going to an unfamiliar location when I actually go there. I'll have another walk later...
 
Keeping all my stuff under spoilers so it doesn't overwhelm the page. Didn't intend to yap quite this much but honestly the discussion is kinda interesting! And talking it out/getting it off my chest a little does help. Thanks, y'all.

You cannot make anyone love you. Or like you.
This is a lesson I have tried and failed to learn my entire life and I continue to be wounded by my abject and complete failure to learn it.
Can you talk to any mutual friends to get more insight?

To be fair to the both of us (and anyone else dealing with similar things in similar ways), I think it's less "tried and failed to learn", and more "can't manage to be comfortable with". We're aware that it's true, we know logically that's just how the chips fall sometimes and it's not within our control, but boy does it hurt, even knowing it's just a fact of life. I think my least favorite thing about being human is that it's so hard to beat our feelings back with logic. 💔 Insofar as insight goes, if you mean getting more info about what happened... I'm not even really sure what I'd need to hear that would make me feel better, tbh. It's probably for the best to just assume he's an ass and, eventually, move on with myself. (Though if that's not what you meant, please correct me!)

It's giving me the business about quoting these other two messages directly, sorry buds
Fug it really. The shock is also that you've cared about this person fondly and you see it's empty on the other side and you completely deluded yourself the feeling is mutual.
Maybe it makes me sound like a hopeful idiot but I honestly don't think it wasn't mutual, up until recently. I absolutely agree with what you say later in your message, though, that he found somebody else to latch onto and rode off into the sunset without me. Which truly is fine, it's just the lack of respect for a person he claimed as his best friend for actual years, when his feelings started to turn, you know what I mean? I mostly think he's a flighty dickhead, and frankly there were signs that I can see in hindsight, but it only ever applied to hobbies and such... I never anticipated he'd apply that same "if you're bored throw it out" mentality to people. And I sure wish it was as easy as not letting myself be upset about it after X time, haha. What I'd give for a button like that... Boop, gone. If only! (:_(

Since we are on the subject of rejection, amd labels that get slapped on people… has anyone explored with you WHY you find such things so painful? Why do you avoid stuff? The answer will be some flavour of pain avoidance.
Oh yeah, I know exactly why my situation hurts so badly. I've got aBaNdOnMeNt TrAuMa. I'm making light of it because it's actually a very deep wound that I am very self-conscious about ha ha ha. It didn't quite feel appropriate to PL about in the first message, but essentially, one of my parents fucked off when I was very young after sticking it out for my older siblings, and I spent a lot of years chasing after their attention in a desperate bid to feel like they loved me (and to make them understand how deeply they'd hurt me). It's not even that I necessarily doubt that they did and do love me, in the sense that it's totally possible to have genuine love for your kids even if you're a bad person and shit at showing it. They're just also deeply unwell, are "fixing" that problem with drugs and, I think, have no real idea of how to handle the inevitable consequences of what they've done to our family/their children. Ironically, they also basically got bored and dropped my decent parent (and the rest of us) like a hot coal, lmao. So it goes. Time's a circle, and all that jazz. Isn't there a saying about cyclically seeking out the things that hurt you...?

That experience absolutely colors the way this friend problem makes me feel. Once again, I've put my trust and my heart into another person's hands, and they've slam-dunked it into the toilet with (what feels like) no regard for the consequences. It's a mistake I've made to allow this to happen, and I should have known better—except that's not really how life works, and it's infinitely worse to never ever let yourself connect with other people. I know from firsthand experience how awful and dark the world seems when you self-isolate, even if you tell yourself it's for your own good. As much as this hurts now, as betrayed as I feel, I'd do it a hundred times if it meant never feeling like I was completely and utterly unlovable, repulsive, and invisible ever again.

I fully agree with that Jung quote, and I'll raise you one from a movie that never fails to both upset and comfort me in equal measure:

How lucky I am to have known someone and something that saying goodbye is so damned awful.
- The Other Side of the Mountain

It may not be actual death, but it is something of a departure. The loss of a person I knew and cared about, who was very real for two and a half years. I don't like the way it came to a close, and the memories are far more bittersweet than anything else now, but being hurt now doesn't erase that I had a very dear friend that I could reach out to at any time for all that time. Life was pretty good for a while. I can't find it in myself to be too mad about that.

Sorry to have basically done a 180, here... Two things can exist at the same time, and while I'm grateful for the time I had when I felt close to this person, I'm definitely still upset and hurt and confused about it all. I hate being able to contain multitudes, it sucks lmao

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

- Song of Myself, 51; Walt Whitman

Holy shit! I clinched it.
Great job, man!! Genuinely super happy for you, looking for work is such a slog in so many ways. Here's to better times ahead!
 
Been doing manual things all day. Which feels like a nice change of pace. I'm not idiot enough or cheeky enough to say that manual work is better than sitting at a desk. Nor am I unaware that saying "that's enough for today" at 3pm isn't a luxury you don't get with a manual job. But it IS nice to feel like you've just done some honest work and to see the results of it.

You're also a lot less likely to say "I'll just see what's happening on the Farms" in another tab, too. ;)
 
Anyway. I'll get over it eventually. I'd love to be totally unbothered about it right this second. I'm just soft-hearted and grieving the loss of an important friendship that I never knew was dying in the first place. Thanks for listening, Kiwis. I appreciate you guys.
If he hasn't told you the reason then likely he either thinks telling you the reason will hurt or he's ashamed of it. Either is a bit cowardly, though sometimes you can persuade the other person that it's better for you that he tells you rather than lets it linger unresolved. Though often the best thing is to simply mutually cut the person out and move on as well. You should not, however, feel ashamed or lesser for being hurt. It doesn't matter that it's "merely" a friend rather than a relationship. Losing a friend can hurt more than losing some partners. So don't beat yourself up about that part.

The reason, whatever it is, is probably not that damning to you if he'd only said it plainly. People do strange things inside their own head and it could just be something like "I spend all my time with this one friend. I need to meet more people". It's as likely a reason on his side as anything about you. But it sucks regardless because one of the worst things you can do to someone is to not give them a reason. Really sorry, anyway. I hope things get better.
 
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