How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Cherry Milk]

Once again, struggling.
I'm not sure how to shake this off, but I need to get out of this funk

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

and my mother since I was still a minor, so she was necessary

You should not be posting on this site if you are a minor.

Assuming you are no longer a minor: it does come across that you are correct that you've got some anxiousness . We can all get spergy about minuscule health details, though. But if your tests showed nothing going on with your heart, anxiety could very well cause flutters and all kinds of other things, and I like your idea of going for a bikeride and aiming to shake it.

On topic: I hate how often I cannot manage to get proper sleep even with medication and time given over to letting my body adjust. I'd really just like to be able to do things normally but I feel like I'm always locked into a never ending struggle against my brain's desire to blithely refuse to respect a schedule.

Have you tried melatonin? One of my kids uses it from time to time - but only about a quarter of the recommended dose bc otherwise it's zombie-time.

Also heavy exercise (whatever level is heavy for an individual) can help.

Back in the day there was MSM messenger and IRC and really basic forums and bulletin boards and I remember the gradual integration of politics in just about everything.
I briefly tried Reddit but I kept getting banned, so I tried Discord and I really disliked everyone so I repeatedly got banned.

Back in the 90s I was on a very active specific-topic board, anf we were on that board daily, eventually had in-person meet ups, made friends and frenemies, knew who people were, where they lived, what they did for a living, and all kinds of highly personal and life information, and the board had some verrrry cliquish behavior. We would have massive fights about certain adjacent things, some of which got personal, but in the 4 or so years it was in high gear, I don't think there was a single heated political discussion, much less a fight, despite the full range of political views* and a lot of class divide (definitely fought about certain things arising out of socioeconomic class norms).

*And some people with political jobs on a state or national scale.

The only place I experience that blissful ability not to have to debate or defend politics now is at work.

even if I add variety by going outside, asking people to hang out, doing exercise, reading about some random sperg online, it's all the same to me

What about going on an adventure? Pick a place or a thing to go see/experience, and do it. That could be a vacation thing, or an afternoon or weekend. Doesn't have to be a big thing - find a cheap place with tiny cabins in the remote woods and do 2 days with no connection to anyone or anything. Or go drive to your state's giant ball of string. Or try something you've never done before - snowshoeing, paddleboarding, a basic intro to wall-climbing, take an app for identifying bird calls into the woods and see what you hear, tour a cave. Or go see an orchestra or a new museum exhibit. Or find some book or site about " x things to do in [place] before you die" or "x place's hidden secrets" and do one or a couple. These are all short time commitments and you may actually feel meh about them (before during and after) but going a step beyond literally just going outside is more likely to engage your brain, and brains like engagement and are more likely to start forming excitement or interest with more stimulation. Or even just go (in warm months) to a farmer's or floral market and buy yourself some flowers for your dining table (or dresser, nightstand, mantel, whatever). Yes, whether you are man or woman; beautiful things are cheering, and some effort to get them has double benefit.

me sounding like an extra from a movie set in Antebellum Savannah

One of my dumbest life decisions was deciding in high school to erase most of the Southern from my accent. I'm telling you, if you sound like that, embrace it! (Just a random's opinion, and I know it doesn't address what you're really talking about, but fr, a strong Southern accent is a powerful weapon. I am that annoying person who, to anyone being remotely chatty with me who has one (I'm not currently in the South, so it's a treat) asks about it and is overly complimentary of it. Sorry....)

the inverse is I become important to the group.

Do you not want to be important to the group? Is there pressure associated with that you don't want, or something else?

Tt: today I've got no struggles except a nascent work-related anxiety due to actually being on pto, but also committed to getting certain things done for work while on it. OK and same growing angst about getting things done at home in these days off.

But on better things: got my nails done today, which is not something I do all that often bc money and time. But they look good and add to an overall polished look, which in turn makes me feel "together," even just in jeans & a sweater at home. And that's very dull stuff, but I included it for the handful of posts I'm seeing in the last day or two about feeling bored or uninterested, uninspired, etc., to say that something so trivial as nice nails (or my "what about doing..." list above) can have some minor cascade of positive feelings or energy. I do not have fresh flowers on my nightstand atm, but my hands, which I see all day, are pleasing to my eye, so I feel good both about doing something nice for myself, and that the result is something visually pleasing.

 

[JanuaryViolet]

if you sound like that, embrace it! (Just a random's opinion, and I know it doesn't address what you're really talking about, but fr, a strong Southern accent is a powerful weapon.

Please note, if you get really mad, it will come back. In spades.
I was born and grew up in the very northern edge of the south (think blues but not cotton). Any accent was extremely slight to begin with. Humans tend to mimic the speech of the people around them*; but it something sets me off you can hear it. I live in a completely different part of the US now, where there is no regional accent/dialect, but where 'Southern = racist x uneducated' instantly to these people, who claim not to be prejudiced.
Settle for being occasionally 'quaint'. It's the best you can do with some people.
*Apparently this is a survival trait of some sort, and you can see why.

 

[Otterly]

The southern US accents are really nice, as someone not from the states. I really like how they sound.

 

[Anonitolia]

You should not be posting on this site if you are a minor.

I am not a minor; I was recounting an anecdote from years ago.

Assuming you are no longer a minor: it does come across that you are correct that you've got some anxiousness . We can all get spergy about minuscule health details, though. But if your tests showed nothing going on with your heart, anxiety could very well cause flutters and all kinds of other things.

I should clarify: I've been diagnosed with GAD from a young age, and my family's had a history of it for generations. (As well as another disorder that makes life annoying.) It's part of why I'm so irritated. This year has just brought that anxiety to levels my dad only reached after like half a century of even worse torment. Makes me feel like a histrionic pos and it's not fun.

I don't really have any options to fix it right now, and I'm stuck in a situation that is objectively very good for me but that I personally hate. No real options of getting out save for those that rely on other people, and my only support network is about as inept at being a support network as one can possibly be without being outright abusive. Literally the only reason why I ever consider posting here is because I pretty much don't have anyone else to go to who won't just mock me for this shit or lecture me about being dramatic/wrong in some way. It's not a surprise that I'm this anxious-- it's very expected, it's probably a natural reaction to already being naturally anxious + a terrible year + stuck in this kind of situation + future prospects being shaky. And I can't take pills, because the last three times I've tried pills I've become a serious threat to everyone around me. So I can't even take the easy way out and pretend to be normal.

That's part of why I'm upset about this depression thing. The guys who are supposed to help others get out of these kinds of situations are looking at paranoid basket-cases like me, listening to me explain the basics of my life and the situation I'm in, looking at my symptoms, and then slapping me with a very serious label that belongs to people with very different problems. Then offering me the one thing that's been proven, repeatedly, not only not to work but to make things substantially worse for everyone involved.

I suppose it's just a "girl yells at clouds" sort of thing, since I can hardly do anything about the system and I'm already not taking those pills, but I had to get it out somewhere. It's been 10 days and I'm still peeved. I know it has to do with the profits pharmaceutical companies make off this shit, I know this pill-pushing is most of what gets taught to aspiring doctors (and therefore they aren't entirely at fault). But I've seen how non-profit healthcare works, and compared to that this sort of bullshit is heaven. So what the hell is the "proper" way to do medical care? Some abominable hybrid system that somehow sucks up taxes and savings while still not helping? Full-on commie shit that kills the human spirit and basic QOL but objectively keeps people alive? Hypercapitalist competitive hell where everything is even more expensive, but there's competition so people still try?

Sorry, that got away from me. Just frustrated and needed to talk about it.

I like your idea of going for a bikeride and aiming to shake it.

Nothing else I can do, really. Unfortunately, the bike ride only made the situation worse, so now I'm going to go figure out some plans b, c, and d.

 

[Alaska20k]

I was hoping you could grow out of having a “dark night of the soul”

Boy, was I stupid.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

I was hoping you could grow out of having a “dark night of the soul”

Boy, was I stupid.

I suspect our experiences are different, but after having my own dark night, I have climbed (and I'd say grown, with years of unending effort and will) out of it. But I am changed from it, and as much as the skies are clear now, and even bright and sparkly, I constantly experience evidence that I was profoundly affected and debilitatedvfor a long time. It might be something as odd as starting to do something that used to be easy, or a favorite thing, and finding that it is actually now unfamiliar and I have to put in effort that I never used to. (In my case, my dark night was mid-life, so I have an historical benchmark; it may be very different if yours was earlier and you don't have adult reference points.) But either way, recovering from dark nights is a long process. I think it's important to take your wins - every one - where you find them, consciously acknowledge and appreciate them, and then build on them, accepting but also diminishing in importance in your own mind the stumbles or failures.

 

[WhatInTheActualFuck]

The southern US accents are really nice, as someone not from the states. I really like how they sound.

I'm not from there and don't speak like a native, but I agree with this. The accents from Texas eastward are pretty great. As someone that for many years had to listen to northern US accents ranging from Maryland to Maine, northern US accents are fuck awful and a crime against the listener.

 

[Otterly]

I was hoping you could grow out of having a “dark night of the soul”

Boy, was I stupid.

You don’t grow out of it like nothing happened. Some things affect you very deeply and who you are after is not the same.

But I am changed from it,

But either way, recovering from dark nights is a long process. I think it's important to take your wins - every one - where you find them, consciously acknowledge and appreciate them, and then build on them, accepting but also diminishing in importance in your own mind the stumbles or failures.

I experienced a complete burn out a year or so ago and I’m not the same.

 

[Motherf*cker]

didn't actually join any massive digital communities (e.g. Discord servers) until 2016 or so. Since we were young it was mostly liberal stuff I didn't mind being surrounded by. Come to think of it, it was all so fucking gay.
Then a few years go by and I would find myself in some weird servers: no one seemed to be a pedophile, but they consumed tranny porn or similarly disgusting pornography, some were pedo victims, a few were self-identifying nazis, etc. It was chill but weirdly chaotic.
IRC's are still a thing, but I wonder what you're interested in: maybe you could find one channel you'd enjoy talking in?

Discord:

users who always seemed to be doing questionable shit in places they thought no one was looking,​

horned up adults who are not who they say they are having some soap opera sending out spicy noods of each other​

cliques because high school is forever.


IRC was cancerous back then so probably not.

Back in the 90s I was on a very active specific-topic board, anf we were on that board daily, eventually had in-person meet ups, made friends and frenemies, knew who people were, where they lived, what they did for a living, and all kinds of highly personal and life information, and the board had some verrrry cliquish behavior. We would have massive fights about certain adjacent things, some of which got personal, but in the 4 or so years it was in high gear, I don't think there was a single heated political discussion, much less a fight, despite the full range of political views* and a lot of class divide (definitely fought about certain things arising out of socioeconomic class norms).

*And some people with political jobs on a state or national scale.

The only place I experience that blissful ability not to have to debate or defend politics now is at work.

I too was part of a topic specific message boards back then with regular meetups and I think I even had a few pen pals because we all had each other's mailing addresses.
It had very cliquish behaviour and so self diagnosed pedantic nazis would expect everyone to go along with words and terms being banned, people with trigger lists and annoying self diagnoses all trying out a new personality for a historic week.
It really was like being on a doomed Rollercoaster Tycoon ride stuck on the slowest setting.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

It had very cliquish behaviour and so self diagnosed pedantic nazis would expect everyone to go along with words and terms being banned, people with trigger lists and annoying self diagnoses all trying out a new personality for a historic week.

Ugh, we didn't have that. Trigger lists in the 90s?

 

[Bothriolepis]

No. Honestly, the truth is that most people are so self centred they barely even think about others. Nobody thinks that. Would realising that help? It’s perhaps a bit of a Blackpill in its own right but it’s true.

It does help, actually. I've also come to at least partially drop the obsession with fitting in, which I usually accomplished by either barely talking to people or pretending to be someone I wasn't in extreme ways. Pretending to have radically different religious and political views, claiming to love movies I'd never seen, that sort of thing. It's taken me years to realize a little bit of who I am as a person, and nobody's taking that shit from me at this point even if I feel awkward and uncomfortable trying to not be someone else.

 

[Motherf*cker]

Ugh, we didn't have that. Trigger lists in the 90s?

I think I gave up around 2006

 

[Agarathium1066]

Have you tried melatonin? One of my kids uses it from time to time - but only about a quarter of the recommended dose bc otherwise it's zombie-time.

Also heavy exercise (whatever level is heavy for an individual) can help.

I have and its not terribly reliable. Tiring myself out mentally and physically is usually the best option I have without medication. Even then its unreliable and absolutely miserable.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

Null says this on several podcasts but Null also believes that depression doesn't exist, is entirely a choice that people make, and cannot be caused by observable medical issues.

I am not really a Null hater but stuff like this irks me, dude says a lot of shit on topics he is not qualified to speak on. Many of the Null dicklickers also do not realize that they're taking advice or agree with on stuff a 30 year old, maidenless dude with virtually no real life experience brings up. Null sometimes displays tendencies these very same people would crucify other cows for. Null hating relentlessly on the A&H crowd while his Twitter looks like Stormfront lite more often than not is another contradiction that bothers me.

Null's opinions tend to twist around and confuse me at the strangest times. His odd takes on cheese are a comical example but he often has the most hardline views on the most arbitrary things. I try not to focus on any of it because it doesn't strike me as worth it. He keeps the site running and that I'm thankful for.

Guys, I know many of you are new to this place or not too deep into the lore. Just check how he dealt with Mystery Woman. Not the consequences just how all of this shit started. And then I may tell you how he originally dealt with the news of Chris going down on Barb. There are only two reasons why this website is still running - he has nothing better going on in his life and his opponents are too retarded to kill this place for good. Nothing else.

As a thread tax, I shared anonymously the events that haunted me for the last threeish years on another platform and it was received so well that now I'd rather go postal from a mountain of inner pain and unresolved conflicts in my head than share it here anytime in the future. I fucking hate people. Have a nice day.

 

[Benzo Samurai]

my life is way better than it was at the beginning of the year, my back and health is getting way better, ive rebuildt my social life, im having sex, im dating, working out, and the current plan in life is just to use this energy to make more energy and become a beast until i die of old age or epicness.

health is wealth

 

[Bothriolepis]

It had very cliquish behaviour and so self diagnosed pedantic nazis would expect everyone to go along with words and terms being banned, people with trigger lists and annoying self diagnoses all trying out a new personality for a historic week.

Basically every online community related to mental health seems to be like this now, and I really don't see why anyone would want to be involved with that unless they had literally nowhere safe to go to talk about their problems IRL. There's something about watching a TikTok of a grown-ass woman playing with dolls and talking about "Littlespace" that makes me question how long our species is going to survive.

 

[Agarathium1066]

Guys, I know many of you are new to this place or not too deep into the lore. Just check how he dealt with Mystery Woman. Not the consequences just how all of this shit started. And then I may tell you how he originally dealt with the news of Chris going down on Barb. There are only two reasons why this website is still running - he has nothing better going on in his life and his opponents are too retarded to kill this place for good. Nothing else.

I think Null's got a severe case of oppositional defiant disorder. Keeping it at that to avoid going OT too long.

On topic: The holidays exhaust me, they're fun but I'm truly glad they're winding down. I try to not tell anyone this because I don't want to piss on their fun but I'm ready for things to continue on.

 

[Negev]

Just moved 900 miles to a new state with no friends or family really near me, and It's been so long since I made new friends/ met new girls I am not 100% sure what to do at this point. It also just feels harder to do now that I am older not big 30 yet but close. Not really sure what people my age do to go meet new people anymore that isn't online.

 

[Bothriolepis]

Not really sure what people my age do to go meet new people anymore that isn't online.

The sad truth is that there really isn't much, especially in countries like the US where third spaces and social clubs are all but nonexistent in most areas. I've met most of my friends at work, and held onto a handful of them since college. My wife went to Middle and High School with me, then decided to reconnect over Facebook a few years ago. Just meeting up with people is extremely difficult.