Sounds like you need some irl friends to hang out with and chat with and you're using WoW/Reddit/Discord as a kind of cope for the lack of? But this might just be me projecting because that's literally what I do.
I do. I badly need friends in any capacity. People that I'd be comfortable talking to. Like, speaking. I haven't spoken a lick of English in so long that my accent has come back, with a vengeance. I've been so isolated from everyone and everything, except from my parents, for literally years that my brain might have taken damage.
AvPD sucks, man. If I wasn't medicated, I wouldn't be able to engage in small-talk with the occasional dog owner I'll pass by in my neighbourhood.
Any relationship I have with a person I can talk to face-to-face is either familial, professional or so surface level that I don't know a person by name, but by dog.
I'm still putting all of my money on my in-patient thing, but it isn't until january 12. I'll continue with this back and forth of spiralling and then feeling fine on a daily basis until then.
People that I'd be comfortable talking to. Like, speaking. I haven't spoken a lick of English in so long that my accent has come back, with a vengeance.
Oof, I feel ya. I am kind of the same way but with my native language. Other than work/family I don't really use it much. Oddly enough, I'm more comfortable speaking English. For all its bad sides, gaming and vc-ing on discord with internet weirdos did help in that regard. That being said, I'm not comfortable having an actual conversation at all. Gaming related VC is a different kind of communication than actually conversing and sharing thoughts and ideas. It's all jokes and banter and memes...
Can you knit or crochet? Do any kind of textile work? Would you consider learning?
Seriously, it can be a kind of zen, and you actually see progress, even if you have to take out half of it and start over. Over in the sewing/mending forum I go on a lot about it being a learning curve that requires persistence (and it does) but true and honest, I think it's saved my sanity in many instances, If you have any OCD issues you will find that it can help that as well by rewarding perfectionism in a constructive way (this is true of many hobbies), Turn on some music or background video or whatever and just go to it. You can learn how to do just about anything from books (or you young people like video, I know) because that's how I did it. Even weaving potholders from kits or making craft stuff can get your mind off things. Do something that involves your hands. You needn't 'chop wood, carry water', but you need to do something that gets you out of your head. Take it from someone who has been there.
edit: typos
Can you knit or crochet? Do any kind of textile work? Would you consider learning?
Seriously, it can be a kind of zen, and you actually see progress, even if you have to take out half of it and start over. Over in the sewing/mending forum I go on a lot about it being a learning curve that requires persistence (and it does) but true and honest, I think it's saved my sanity in many instances, If you have any OCD issues you will find that it can help that as well by rewarding perfectionism in a constructive way (this is true of many hobbies), Turn on some music or background video or whatever and just go to it. You can learn how to do just about anything from books (or you young people like video, I know) because that's how I did it. Even weaving potholders from kits or making craft stuff can get your mind off things. Do something that involves your hands. You needn't 'chop wood, carry water', but you need to do something that gets you out of your head. Take it from someone who has been there.
edit: typos
I was actually learning to crochet years ago at this point, I quite like it. I've been considering getting a sewing machine 2nd hand once I get rid of my oversized couch that I never use (sorry dog, your favourite sleeping spot has to go).
My immediate issue is I need to find my crochet hook/s but it could be a good New Year resolution to clear out my old hobby garbage and refind some old interests.
I was actually learning to crochet years ago at this point, I quite like it. I've been considering getting a sewing machine 2nd hand once I get rid of my oversized couch that I never use (sorry dog, your favourite sleeping spot has to go).
My immediate issue is I need to find my crochet hook/s but it could be a good New Year resolution to clear out my old hobby garbage and refind some old interests.
Get clear on what you actually want to accomplish before getting a machine. I also strongly suggest getting a secondhand one that has had a thorough refurbishment by a good technician. The newer ones tend to have a lot of electronics that wear out with disappointing rapidity and cannot be repaired or upgraded which makes me teeth-gnashing furious as there are machines 100+ years old and as good as new out there (I have 2 of them). This is totally OT for this thread so I will stop now, but YES, find your crochet hooks and thread, look up some new patterns and get lost in that. My opinion is that it beats hell out of online anything and you actually have something real at the end of a few hours, not just numbers on a screen. It sounds like you don't have a job that locks you up from 8-6 weekdays, so maybe go find them now? Nothing stopping you. Also, if you have to go inpatient, insist on bringing it with you. They make thread cutters that you can carry on air travel, so putting together a "safe" kit for inpatient isn't impossible. I take embroidery with me always; knowing it's there is reassuring.
For every vulture I shoo away, there's two more that start gnawing at my back ?
First, there's progress:
Finally got access to a general practitioner that was not a complete retard. Got some meds (Quiviq) to help with my sleep and got some blood work done (last was like 4+ years ago). Doc is worried about my cholesterol levels and liver shit, as my previous blood work was bad in this aspect. Started to be careful of what I'm eating/drinking and picked up running again.
Father's succession is going smoothly and I've taken care of most of the papers my mother accumulated over the past weeks.
Now, the not fun shit:
My mother's mental health starts to worry me a lot. Over the past weeks, she didn't pick her prescriptions and important papers (I did it for the holidays but I can't be always here). Had a couple of hard talks. While I can't force her to go to the GP, something has to change.
The rental agency for my previous apartment came out of left field and asked the justice to "recover money due from damages". I've got absolutely no idea what they're talking about and their tactic is refuse to provide any actual papers or details backing their claims (such as damage evaluation, invoices from repairs...). While they are most likely trying to pressure me in a settlement, I won't let myself get ripped off months of wages without a fight.
Work has managed to push me in a corner. My only wish was for them to let me do my work without pissing me too much. Alas, I've become an HR frequent flyer these past months (without any official reprimand). They can't fire me without a valid reason (very difficult to fire a 10+ years employee) and I won't give them.
I've started to refuse any work outside the scope of my contract and asked my manager to either make it worth it or to transfer me to another factory (closer to my family), ideally as a corporate knight errant (helping different factories with problems pertaining to my specialty).
Null's opinions tend to twist around and confuse me at the strangest times. His odd takes on cheese are a comical example but he often has the most hardline views on the most arbitrary things. I try not to focus on any of it because it doesn't strike me as worth it. He keeps the site running and that I'm thankful for.
I make a very active effort not to post here for various reasons, but I'll make an exception this time because I'm angry instead of something woobyish.
Went to a new doctor about ten days ago for a checkup. Since I'm a zoomer and therefore infantilized to fuck, I of course brought my mother along for the experience. She decided, apropos of nothing and without consulting me, that we were going to take my blood that day.
This is not normally a problem. In fact, I have been relatively okay with blood tests (if moderately anxious about them) for most of my life. Unfortunately, "most of my life" does not include the last three years. I've gotten my blood taken exactly twice in that time. Both times were so nightmarish that I've developed a primal fear of medical needles. There's only one thing scarier than them to me, and it's always been scary to me no matter my age.
The first time I had my blood taken, the shaniqua attending to me poked six times without finding a vein. I have very good veins and have been told as much by literally every single doctor i've ever gone to. I was also fasting properly, seated in the correct position, and surrounded by three other attendants (and my mother since I was still a minor, so she was necessary) who didn't do shit. I tried my best to keep a stiff upper lip, but by the sixth poke I was feeling woozy and had to raise my voice for them to stop. I ended up vomiting afterwards due to stress. I still ended up getting another poke (since they couldn't get blood the other SIX TIMES), of course, but this was done by another attendant who got my vein first-try. Like everyone else always has.
The second time was somewhat normal. I was nervous as always, but the needle went in first try and I was okay save for a brief change of heart (which I forced myself to get over) beforehand.
Then the wound bruised. And it did not stop bruising.
My left arm was unusable for a week after. I've never felt anything like it. The entire arm was so sore I couldn't lift it, and I was essentially one-armed for that entire week. My arm continued to hurt to some degree for the rest of the month, and to this day I swear I still feel some pain in there. Especially if I prod around the area I usually get my blood drawn.
I have no fucking clue what went wrong here. But it really didn't help the building fear of needles that first incident gave me, and I skipped the next two blood tests I was offered because I wasn't ready to give up use of my arm while needing college work done.
I would have fought her much harder if I'd not been horribly out of date with my results and feeling poor lately, but I conceded after half an hour of panicked bargaining and got my blood drawn. This was to make sure I did not have physical causes for a variety of health issues that have been plaguing me recently. I also got an EKG for similar reasons, and made sure to get them to check almost everything about my blood in the lab.
The blood test went flawlessly. All my results came back normal. I prevented any bruising with an ice pack. The EKG said I had nothing wrong with me, too. Even though I've been having palpitations. You know what I did walk out of that room with? A fucking MDD diagnosis and a recommendation towards medication!
Now: I'm not angry at the diagnosis. It's not surprising at all, and by the pop culture definition I may as well have been depressed for more than half of my life. But what a fucking insult it is to be given that, knowing the state of my life! There are other people with actual clinical depression out there-- people who can't feel any happiness, people who can't get out of bed in the morning. And who've done nothing to really prompt that. But doctors will just hand out a major depressive diagnosis to faggots like me who've had a rough year and a half, then call it a day. They'll divert resources towards Mr. Snuffalupagus whose dog died that month and who's been feeling real sad over it instead of putting in the effort to try and cure the guy who's been robbed of a normal life thanks to a chemical imbalance. What the hell, man? Who made this system?
I even looked it up-- apparently the threshold for a MDD diagnosis is two weeks of feeling kinda down. Absolute insanity. No wonder everyone's on SSRIs-- shitty weather seems sufficient enough to catch a depression diagnosis now. Ridiculous.
Anyways, I'm pissed off. Pissed off at my mother for treating me like I'm still six years old and can't make up my mind on things (even though she made a good case for the blood test), pissed off at the medical system for trying to excuse my poor life choices away with "muh depression," pissed off at myself for letting my anxiety get to a point where I'm wasting doctors' times by convincing my body I have a heart issue. Going to go bike around the neighborhood for a bit to try and get it all out of my system. Thank you for reading my dumb powerlevelly rant about stupid diagnoses.
I'm coming to the realization that I've been deeply depressed since my mom died, but not the usual depressed, where you feel numb and joyless. I can feel happy but my motivation, the drive to better myself, and my interests have been dead and I've been simply existing, living life day by day with no real plan for the future. I don't know where to go from here but at least I'm aware of it now.
This is basically what I've got, likely also due to a family member's death. I do have a vague plan for the future that i'm 99.9% sure isn't going to work out, because I've had a horrible foreboding about it for almost two years now, (maybe a little longer. Sometime post-COVID. My memory's shot lol), but this is otherwise also me.
To be treated like I'm a prisoner of my bedchambers and barely feeling emotion is insulting to those that actually need such treatment.
Brenda, if you’re reading this, I do hope you find a way out sometime soon. If you’re willing to share, I’d appreciate tips when it happens lol. I’m sorry for your loss.
Same. I wouldn't even know what to do on the internet if this site wouldn't exist, my browsing ever since i joined (so about almost three years if you take my old account in consideration, i lurked at least for a year before i joined KF as well) is split between KF, YT and general piracy and KF takes up at least 80% of my total browsing time.
His perspective on cheese is largely informed by his time living in Europe. In their syssiphean campaign to try to get one over on Americans, they’ve taken the subject of American cheese (which is cheese) and conflated it with margarine (which is a purely oil product). This got exasperated because his instinctual reaction the more people express aligned opinions is to become evermore contradictory, and he has been disincentivized (rightfully or not) by the general zeitgeist of the Internet from conceding on any non-objective points. The only correct course of action is to realize null being correct or not regarding anything outside operating the site is actually irrelevant.
I don't worry about him being correct, at most I just worry his penchant for being inflammatory about anything draws more people hoping to take a swing. That's his fire to put out though and he's managed it better than I imagine anyone else would. A true champion of 'tism.
On topic: I hate how often I cannot manage to get proper sleep even with medication and time given over to letting my body adjust. I'd really just like to be able to do things normally but I feel like I'm always locked into a never ending struggle against my brain's desire to blithely refuse to respect a schedule.
Web 1.0 forums where so great for that, you had people who shared an interest with you, absolutely no politics whatsoever because nobody except boomers (who weren't online in the pre-Social Media age) talked about politics, the tone was much more normal and way less generally aggressive than virtually anywhere online these days etc. Most of the time you didn't even know how the dude or girl you conversed with looked (a thing i appreaciate very much here on KF) like, most you got was a first name with a person you were "tight" with and conversed with via PM. Reddit, Discord and Social Media completely destroyed that.
I'm glad i never got into using Discord, completely passed me by because i'm the wrong age group i think, and my reddit time was very short-lived thanks to their ban happy jannies. I started passively using Discord (via browser, never actually got as far as downloading the client even though the browser experience is incredible shit from a design standpoint) more and more in the past couple of years because sometimes it is literally the only place to find stuff about the niche video games i am interested in but even just reading and not interacting with other users shows me that, tonally, the platform is complete bullshit.
Back in the day there was MSM messenger and IRC and really basic forums and bulletin boards and I remember the gradual integration of politics in just about everything.
I briefly tried Reddit but I kept getting banned, so I tried Discord and I really disliked everyone so I repeatedly got banned.
I Just really don't like that I cannot talk to anyone neutrally because everything I say is taken out of context and twisted.
There was one dude on Discord who was OK but I told him that I was abandoning this shit. Ah well.
I'm bored. Like, perpetually bored. I sometimes find something to obsess over for a week or two, but the minute it goes away I just feel empty. It's been like this since COVID-19, honestly. Just doing the same goddamn thing every single day, and even if I add variety by going outside, asking people to hang out, doing exercise, reading about some random sperg online, it's all the same to me. Possible self-diagnoses are OCD, ADHD, "high-functioning depression," etc. but I don't know, I'm just bored.
Back in the day there was MSM messenger and IRC and really basic forums and bulletin boards and I remember the gradual integration of politics in just about everything.
I didn't actually join any massive digital communities (e.g. Discord servers) until 2016 or so. Since we were young it was mostly liberal stuff I didn't mind being surrounded by. Come to think of it, it was all so fucking gay.
Then a few years go by and I would find myself in some weird servers: no one seemed to be a pedophile, but they consumed tranny porn or similarly disgusting pornography, some were pedo victims, a few were self-identifying nazis, etc. It was chill but weirdly chaotic.
IRC's are still a thing, but I wonder what you're interested in: maybe you could find one channel you'd enjoy talking in?
Same. I wouldn't even know what to do on the internet if this site wouldn't exist, my browsing ever since i joined (so about almost three years if you take my old account in consideration, i lurked at least for a year before i joined KF as well) is split between KF, YT and general piracy and KF takes up at least 80% of my total browsing time.
I had accounts on pretty much everything—Reddit, Discord, X, Instagram, Facebook. But no one my age uses Facebook anymore (thank God), Reddit as a community is pathetic, Discord is full of pedophiles, Elon deserves to have his body split in half so I no longer use X; and the Zuck deserves [insert massive fed-post here]. Oh, and did you notice how much AI-generated content is on YouTube nowadays? I tried to search for recommendations online on Netflix goy-slop but wouldn't you know it, Indians have taken over YouPoop so the obvious AI-generated thumbnails and generic channel names persuade me not to watch anything.
Just absolutely ridiculous how that exploded. I have to admit though that i found an AI channel that tells AI-generated and narrated Warhammer 40.000 stories that i listen to as a sleeping aid (Stories of the Imperium). There's a new story every day and i have been listening to this stuff for around two month, my sleep is fucked ever since my childhood because of lol trauma but this shit works better at calming me down and fall sleep than everything else that i ever tried in that regard. Still, i really wish that YT would implement some kind of measure against the deluge of AI slop (fat chance, i know), i've seen channels have been starting to promote their shit as "Human narrated - no AI" by now because it got so bad.
Just absolutely ridiculous how that exploded. I have to admit though that i found an AI channel that tells AI-generated and narrated Warhammer 40.000 stories that i listen to as a sleeping aid (Stories of the Imperium). There's a new story every day and i have been listening to this stuff for around two month, my sleep is fucked ever since my childhood because of lol trauma but this shit works better at calming me down and fall sleep than everything else that i ever tried in that regard. Still, i really wish that YT would implement some kind of measure against the deluge of AI slop (fat chance, i know), i've seen channels have been starting to promote their shit as "Human narrated - no AI" by now because it got so bad.
There's something about AI-generated narration that makes me unreasonably angry. I mean it sounds good nowadays but then it stops speaking for a fraction of a second too long or it utters "uhm" every now and then because why the hell not? When you think about it for too long everything stops making sense, but I will admit that I've used AI-generated content for several years to learn languages.
I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned it before here, but I'm mixed Borderline-Avoidant. Not a rare combination, but distinctive enough that some research psychologists in the last few decades of the 20th century attempted to have it classified as a separate clinical entity. That went nowhere because it was kind of a solution in search of a problem (PD-NOS with Mixed Traits was already an option, and is one of the most common Axis-II diagnoses), but the mixed syndrome does tend to look superficially more similar to AvPD than textbook BPD.
I know, on some level, that I'm a pretty average-looking guy in his early 30s. I'm short, but that's just about the only thing that stands out to anyone. I have a strong accent, but nothing too unusual in the area where I live. To me, though, that all feels like bullshit. I absolutely hate to be seen or heard. It feels like I'm wearing a fucking albatross around my neck anytime I go out in public. I'm sure that people can tell something is wrong with me just by seeing me walk down the street, and I hate the sound of my own voice like most people hate nails on a chalkboard. I'd probably never go out in public except for work and to buy necessities if it weren't for my partner and my few friends. Being extremely terrified of conflict probably helps to keep me from being intolerable, but it's almost physically painful sometimes, like this burning itch inside my skull when I'm upset with someone but too afraid of being disliked to say anything.
I'm a lot more comfortable talking to people when there's some distance involved, I can think through what I'm going to say, and nobody has to actually hear me sounding like an extra from a movie set in Antebellum Savannah.
There's something about AI-generated narration that makes me unreasonably angry. I mean it sounds good nowadays but then it stops speaking for a fraction of a second too long or it utters "uhm" every now and then because why the hell not? When you think about it for too long everything stops making sense, but I will admit that I've used AI-generated content for several years to learn languages.
It's so good these days that i only realized that the stuff on the channel i mentioned is AI generated when it started to mispronounce common terms in the Warhammer 40k setting. I also remember watching a couple of videos from a video game channel before voice AI got really popular that sounded so natural and normal at the time that it took me for voice AI to explode to realize that it was indeed all fake. Even went as far as starting the videos with "Hi, i am So and So from Fake Publication XYZ" and putting up a picture that was no doubt sourced from Google image search, really despicable when you think about it.
Honestly I wish I looked weirder, I wish people didn't just try to talk to me a lot of the time. I'm stuck at that catch 22 of wanting to be social but also being very insular and confused when people talk to me at random. I hate leaving an impression on people, their impression is always so weird to me. I see myself in a very different way than I come off I suppose and it got worse since I stopped just mimicking people's interests. I used to act different to any number of people, have that mask ready so to speak, but now I can't be bothered. I guess its often due to doing work that no one else wants to, it gets me out of having to hear people sure but the inverse is I become important to the group.
Ahhh…. I have tiny veins that hide and disappear and yeah, my experience is usually: Hello yes I just want to let you know I can be a bit difficult to get blood out of, do t worry if you’ve got to dig about
Oh don’t worry we get blood out of a stone!
{a few minutes later}
I’m just going to get my boss…
[go to step one and repeat]
I am luckily not that bothered by blood needles but my advice is LIE DOWN next time, and make sure you’re very well hydrated, drink a pint if OJ and water an hour before and keep warm. On the plus side, you’ll never be a junkie!
No. Honestly, the truth is that most people are so self centred they barely even think about others. Nobody thinks that. Would realising that help? It’s perhaps a bit of a Blackpill in its own right but it’s true.
