How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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I am like a fart in a room.
In my family, I am the introverted thing that has use until I don't and then back into corner, frustrated that I have been taken out for so long . For Christmas I asked for one thing: to have one of my pictures blown up so I can hang it for my room. I felt it would be reasonable and may be my photos would be fussed over for a minute. I would have something tangible object that showed me that I exist and they're proud of me.
I don't think my family has gotten me anything for Christmas.
That pretty much sums it up, may be they'll get to know me in the new year of my forty second year on this cunt of a planet. May be next year I'll be human.

Edit: it got worse, and I got treated like an irrational cunt for not being able to control this. I said my feelings and all it did was cause a fight. I don't want a fight I just want to express emotions without it turning into a fight. I don't need a rebuttal to what I'm saying or told to simmer down because I finally have your ear and you don't listen so when I try to get it out and I try to say it through tears you take that as anger and then you don't have to hear about how badly I'm feeling.
 
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Having a really cozy Christmas time this year, especially now that the major (and rather enormous) family gatherings are done. They're essentially just big clan meetings where everyone spoils each other, gets a little merry and eats too much delicious food. It was lovely to catch up with everyone and exchange cards and gifts, spoil all the kids and banter with all of the adults we don't see as often throughout the year.

It's always a bit of a mad rush to get 50+ gifts and wrap them once December rolls around but it feels so good to be able to really relax once it's all done.

Now it's just the big day tomorrow with close family (also plenty enormous), so tonight will be spent playing santa for the third and final time this year, filling my big fat sack to the brim.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals, hope you all have a lush Christmas Day.
 
I walked in on my very sick father unconscious on the floor leaning against a radiator, his right foot stuck beneath his body. It was 3AM.
He has COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) and he has been a smoker ever since he was 12, he only stopped smoking once the first of my nieces was born around 10 years ago after I told him he would not live to see her go to school if he won't stop. Way too late.
I called an ambulance (European, not American by the way) and I had to tell them all about his COPD and that this was not like any other lung-related incident he ever had. Turns out it was a septic incident because of dental work he had done a week earlier.

Now he is back home, it is christmas, and he is very weak. My father had always been a hard worker and ever since he came down with COPD and him being unable to work, never leaving the house and only getting news from TV has destroyed him mentally.
He has become nasty, opinionated about stuff he has no frame of reference to and still tries to talk to me like I am an 18 year old who doesn't know shit.
I cannot tell him anything about my own opinions, I cannot tell him he is wrong about anything or else he is shutting down the conversation.

I often reflect on the man I used to know, my father was such a funny and open person, very into music and dancing and movies and now he cannot do anything but sit on the couch with an oxygen mask on whilst saying how he hates his life and does not want to go on (not literally but the sentiment is there).

I do not know what I can do at this point, no hospital is able to do anything for him anymore, everything has been tried on him already. I don't know what to talk to him about anymore without starting an argument.
It feels like the man who was once my father is already dead and his body is just slow to catch up. I don't know if i'll even cry once he does die which is absolutely fucked up because I love my father.
In a few hours time it is time for Christmas and I am dreading it. It may be the last christmas i'll have with my father and I have no idea how to make it a good one.
I don't have a gift for him, there is nothing to give him that he wants.


While I personally am doing good financially and socially this has been gnawing at me, my parents did lose their own parents when they were around my age.

Its nothing extremely dire I suppose, its something everyone will go through eventually but it feels like my father has been dying in front of my eyes for half a decade, morphing into a completely unrecognizable person and I don't know really know what to feel or do about it right now.
 
Merry Christmas I am once again reminded how much I hate retired people. My father's brain is going down the drain as we speak.
 
PetiteFeet said:
The funniest/shittiest/most absurd thing about my three years of seeing her is she's allegedly worked in psychiatry for 25+ years
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I met Dr.'s and nurses like that, the job, and in the end it is "just" a job, takes its toll. They either turn into callous assholes or are stone-cold pros. My last psychiatrist was of the latter variety, complete no-nonsense aproach to treatment, not nice but also not rude in her behaviour. Told me clearly at one point "Look, Mr. My Name, i can prescribe you pills but i told you about other avenues to pursue, you are not doing that so i don't know how we should continue" and stuff in the same vein, i appreciated that. She also once shouted at some ultra autistic teen in the waiting room who didn't get properly wrangled by his tard wrangler, was kind of funny and it also worked for the kid to calm down.
You'd assume only people who really want to help entering the psych proffession but i think the field consists way more out of people who wanted to find out what is wrong with themselves over everything else. Doctors are kind of weird in general but i feel psych docs (and nurses) are their own, unique beast.

Anyways, wanted to wish a Merry Christmas and happy holidays to my fellow Kiwi soldiers here in Powerleveling General. Hope you guys have a pleasant couple of days.
⋖ cørdion ⋗ said:
If you wanna watch tubers, watch a japanese one. This copycat cringe western take of girlies acting like besties, eager to backstab each other. THAT'S gay
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Completely agree despite not even being into any Vtuber shit. From what i've seen of western Vtubers on here it's just a soulless and crude copy of their nihon superiors. And the fan bases being even more weird than bona fide jap Vtuber otaku, crazy really.
Quartermaster said:
It feels like the man who was once my father is already dead and his body is just slow to catch up
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Feelers feeling feels. It feels wrong to say this but sometimes i am glad my father died already (young, too, at 59) because i felt what you describe about your father about my father in the last ~5 years of his life and it would've just turned shittier and shittier over the years. He was never a well of joy or anything but the difference in the last years of his life to when i was growing up was stark nonetheless.
Quartermaster said:
He has become nasty, opinionated about stuff he has no frame of reference to and still tries to talk to me like I am an 18 year old who doesn't know shit.
I cannot tell him anything about my own opinions, I cannot tell him he is wrong about anything or else he is shutting down the conversation.
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Feeling that HARD.
 
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Woke up this morning to get ready to work. See about a half a dozen messages from my mother in the family exchange.

"I'm surprised you didn't call me on Christmas"

"I guess your working and not visiting this year"

"Your father could use a lot of help around here but you never bother"

"At least I still have him".

I'm three time zones away.

Like I suspect so many other people my age are dealing with, about 10 years ago, my parents decided to cash out and move to a resort area of the eastern shore in MD. Getting to the Eastern shore is a fucking nightmare.

So like clockwork, and readily predictable, my mom's health has been declining rapidly. Now the expectation isn't for her to go into long term care. No, it's that I'm going to quit my job that I just recently started and move into their house as a 24/7 care giver, while also finding a job in a resort area.

I literally warned my parents this was a bad idea for them to move away from their entire support network. But the cherry on top.

I GOT THREE FUCKING SIBLINGS THAT LIVE IN MARYLAND!!!

Why am I the one she bothers?!? I don't get it at all.
 
For my part, I woke up this morning with a raging headache AND, as soon as I became vertical, started oozing and sneezing with allergy attacks, yay. So I'll have to spend Christmas Eve in a benadryl haze. I wasn't planning to actually go anywhere today since I already bought the ingredients for my contributions to Christmas dinner, but it's still aggravating. Hopefully I won't be horking and dripping (or slumped over like a zombie) tomorrow when I'll be around People.
 
PetiteFeet said:
She told me I probably wouldn't get an interview at the clinic for personality disorders because I "had issues with keeping my appointments" (I've failed to show up twice, one appointment I made it there two minutes late and was dismissed by the secretary and twice the nurse has been sick, and I've declined appointments that didn't fit into my schedule) and that "they don't treat depression there". Bitch, my personality disorder is the root cause of my depression and everything else that makes me miserable. It's what's keeping me from being able to socialise with people who aren't my immediate family, and I have never once been in treatment for my PD directly.
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It took me about two months to get in for an assessment, even with a psychiatrist apparently telling them that it seemed like my case could be urgent (not going too far into detail, but I'd just gone through a messy divorce that involved a miscarriage), so I wouldn't give up if you don't get in based on her referral if she's being this much of an asshole. Try speaking to someone else if she won't give you one because, as hard as that might be, this is definitely one of those cases where treating the root cause is an absolute necessity.

She sounds like a bitch, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
 
Motherf*cker said:
I am like a fart in a room.
In my family, I am the introverted thing that has use until I don't and then back into corner, frustrated that I have been taken out for so long . For Christmas I asked for one thing: to have one of my pictures blown up so I can hang it for my room. I felt it would be reasonable and may be my photos would be fussed over for a minute. I would have something tangible object that showed me that I exist and they're proud of me.
I don't think my family has gotten me anything for Christmas.
That pretty much sums it up, may be they'll get to know me in the new year of my forty second year on this cunt of a planet. May be next year I'll be human.
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Aw, this made me so sad. :( You're human. ❤️

May I ask your advice, though? If, say, you were my closest cousin or my brother (and didn't have photos you wanted blown up/ let's pretend you don't have that hobby...or any known hobby, really, but otherwise were you/ feel as you do), what should I get you for Christmas?

That's a weird way of saying I haven't done any Christmas shopping yet, and I have a mid-life NEET on my list that I love dearly but we don't really talk because he really is socially awkward, which makes me not know what's OK to talk about, etc., so I don't know what to get him*. Might end up being Chik-fil-a gift cards (he's a huge fan and broke) and some candy...or some kind of weird cool random thing but I don't know what.

*I re-read your comment and had previously missed what you said about maybe next year your family will get to know you.
One my deep pains is the distance between me and the person I'm talking about. We should be close. I want to be close. But we've both been so absorbed in our own lives, which are wildly different, that at 50 we barely have a direct conversation. He is really smart, but extremely stilted in conversation - you can see it takes effort - and he kind of just shows up (or doesn't) to and disappears from family things after shoveling in food (everything on separate plates). And I feel like he does that both from discomfort or better things to do but it's so hard to talk to him I end up not. And I feel terrible and guilty and sad about it. But when he does talk, it's heavy on conspiracy or random stuff, and it's not like you can do more than ask about it, but if I were to question it, he'd get mad, and I don't want that, so the conversation just kind of dies. He doesn't make eye contact or ever seem relaxed, so it's kind of tense to be around. And he will sometimes try to start conversations, but his questions tend to be yes/ no. And he, like me of his, has no concept of my life or what running it entails...and doesn't seem that interested in the details tbh.

And also tbh I think carry some resentment toward him bc it's never seemed to occur to him to reach out or to offer to lend a hand when I've had massive things to manage at times and an extra pair of (strong) hands would have been really, really nice (no, I have not asked bc I don't really want to face the rejection) - or even just stop by or check on me once in a long period that my life absolutely fell apart. And that might be why I struggle now to do all the conversational work.

Tl; dr: I think my loved one is a NEET (undiagnosed and paranoid about any diagnosing or medical care) depressed autist, and despite spending all my spare time on this site talking to - and in some cases becoming friends with - autists and/ or NEETs or just people who are unhappy or lonely to a medium or very high degree and who struggle with social things a little or a lot, I have utterly failed to do the same IRL.

And I just put it all together while writing this long-ass tmi comment (but too bad, I'm leaving it bc this is important...and I would really like to have a relationship with this person).

So I am asking someone in (near-) midlife who feels forgotten or ignored by family: what would make you feel welcomed and loved?

And to any autistic or awkward or whatever people out there (not saying that's you, OP), I would really appreciate suggestions for how to relate better, bring him out of his shell or at least make him not want to bolt randomly and rudely or just disappear like Homer into the bushes (ok, he usually just stands up after a bit of being there but not saying much and announces, "well, I gotta go, good to see everybody, bye, y'all," and then goes for a 15-mile walk or something, no one knows). I feel like being direct with him about my frustrations or resentments would be...a bad idea and way OTT for anyone, but especially someone with a low threshold for frustration - plus just not really a way to start trying to CREATE a relationship. So I guess I need to stop being in my feelings and reach out with an open heart and mind - but I have no idea how to start a conversation with him, much less a relationship. He doesn't do anything (that I know of), doesn't talk much about things he likes to do (walking and...?), doesn't help around his parents' house at all, nothing. Help.

Also: your mention of the photo inspired me to add to my person above's gift plan maybe a framed photo of a place he's traveled to but I know took no photos of (he is a flipphone guy at most and carries no camera either despite have traveled to some amazing places...). And we are getting a picture together tomorrow, damnit! (Or tonight, bc we're having a family dinner and I just confirmed he will be there).

Eta: my mother just called me an idiot for not doing my Christmas shopping until today. Love you, Mom!
 
Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
I would really appreciate suggestions for how to relate better, bring him out of his shell or at least make him not want to bolt randomly and rudely or just disappear like Homer into the bushes (ok, he usually just stands up after a bit of being there but not saying much and announces, "well, I gotta go, good to see everybody, bye, y'all," and then goes for a 15-mile walk or something, no one knows). I feel like being direct with him about my frustrations or resentments would be...a bad idea and way OTT for anyone, but especially someone with a low threshold for frustration - plus just not really a way to start trying to CREATE a relationship. So I guess I need to stop being in my feelings and reach out with an open heart and mind - but I have no idea how to start a conversation with him, much less a relationship. He doesn't do anything (that I know of), doesn't talk much about things he likes to do (walking and...?), doesn't help around his parents' house at all, nothing. Help.
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I can't speak for all autists, but it's as much an issue for him as it is for you. Lots feel like any sort of interaction involves their opposite being overattentive and observant of them as a person, like they're being studied and judged, so they're less likely to be open. The subconscious disconnect that online discussion provides is a big reason why it's so comfortable for autists(both actual and figurative) to speak casually. Sometimes it's helpful for them to be interested in either you or a topic you bring up, or for you to introduce a way for him to be helpful and inspiring.
You have to remember NEETs have a lot of time to think, and a lot of that is focused upon themselves.
 
here is my fireplace dox. i love having a fire going when its cold outside..it just makes everything nicer.
fireplace.jpg
 
Banquet Meal said:
here is my fireplace dox. i love having a fire going when its cold outside..it just makes everything nicer.
View attachment 8326572
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It's a gorgeous set-up :)

My house used to have an odd sort of enclosed patio that doubled as a bed room, with a fireplace and even a big-ass telescope to watch the planets through the glass walls. The problem is, it was kind of home-made and absolutely required that the whole house be on wood heat rather than a central heat pump, so I made the difficult decision about 9 years ago to board it off. I think about reopening it every now and then, especially since my wife would absolutely love it, but wood's too expensive to buy and I'll just be honest in saying that I have nowhere near the physicality to do what the old owner did and get it all myself. I inherited his lumber mill, too, but I'm a very small man - I know how to run it from helping him out a few times, but I sure as hell can't actually load it.
 
Going home is always depressing. Place is falling apart, not the house itself but all the 'farm' outbuildings. Animals down to one chicken and some non-pet cats. Mom is doing slightly better after the stroke almost 9 months ago, hopefully she can get her knee surgery soon to be able to move around and do stuff. My brother, a NEET, is fucking retarded and doesn't really realize how good he has it mooching off mom and doing jack-shit except a bit of random work like mowing. Also they fucking talk all the time, I just want to go back to my squirrel friends who don't bother me.

I know, someday, it will all be mine, and my brother's, and I'll have to deal with it, because he's fucking retarded, not actual IQ wise but in actions. Too much crap to sell/dispose of.

Maybe it's not depression but an uneasy sense of doom.

doom

Doom

DOOM

Ok, back to finalizing my MiSTer FPGA control PCB so I can see if I can actually mill it when I get home.
 
Bothriolepis said:
It's a gorgeous set-up :)

My house used to have an odd sort of enclosed patio that doubled as a bed room, with a fireplace and even a big-ass telescope to watch the planets through the glass walls. The problem is, it was kind of home-made and absolutely required that the whole house be on wood heat rather than a central heat pump, so I made the difficult decision about 9 years ago to board it off. I think about reopening it every now and then, especially since my wife would absolutely love it, but wood's too expensive to buy and I'll just be honest in saying that I have nowhere near the physicality to do what the old owner did and get it all myself. I inherited his lumber mill, too, but I'm a very small man - I know how to run it from helping him out a few times, but I sure as hell can't actually load it.
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oh, that sounds incredible!! what kind of telescope did you have??
i have a celestron 8se, and im still learning to use it. ive managed to find the moon of course, saturn, jupiter, and mars so far. i also bought all the fancy accessories to make it easier to use, which helped :D
 
Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
And to any autistic or awkward or whatever people out there (not saying that's you, OP), I would really appreciate suggestions for how to relate better, bring him out of his shell or at least make him not want to bolt randomly and rudely or just disappear like Homer into the bushes (ok, he usually just stands up after a bit of being there but not saying much and announces, "well, I gotta go, good to see everybody, bye, y'all," and then goes for a 15-mile walk or something, no one knows). I feel like being direct with him about my frustrations or resentments would be...a bad idea and way OTT for anyone, but especially someone with a low threshold for frustration - plus just not really a way to start trying to CREATE a relationship. So I guess I need to stop being in my feelings and reach out with an open heart and mind - but I have no idea how to start a conversation with him, much less a relationship. He doesn't do anything (that I know of), doesn't talk much about things he likes to do (walking and...?), doesn't help around his parents' house at all, nothing. Help.
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He doesn't want to be there just as much as you don't want him to be there. If this is the way you talk to him, it's no surprise he finds any excuse to bolt. If he's as smart as you imply, he's acutely aware of how awkward he is and leaving early is a way to spare you his presence. Going out of your way to include him isn't a solution since A. you don't understand him and could very easily alienate him and B. some autists have a sixth sense for how uncomfortable other people feel, so doing something you're uncomfortable with puts them even less at ease. Some people just don't fit, and trying to force it only causes resentment.
 
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