How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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WASR96 said:
or a clinical trial that's still in its early stages that they can't guarantee anything with since I could be chosen to test a low, medium, or high dose with unknown side effects. I'm sort of torn on the clinical trial. Not because I think it would help me, but thinking I should do it if they could get valuable data that could save someone in the future.
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If you want to DM me about it and have enough detail for me to look it up (NCT number or the name of it) I will very happily poke around and take a look at it and give you my opinion on what it looks like.
 
So I finally got my bed sitting on its frame (that's a major red flag eliminated, kiwi ladies!) but now that my bed is up off the ground it's too easy for my cat to jump onto the half-wall that surrounds part of my bedroom loft. My cat is orange so of course she wants to jump onto a narrow ledge where if she loses her balance she falls 20 feet onto a hardwood floor. Anything I do to try and prevent her from jumping up there is just a fun challenge to her. The loft does not allow for any positioning of the bed to make the wall out of her range. I'm very worried because I know she is eventually going to jump up there and fall because she is old and dumb.
 
Nick Bockwinkel's Belt said:
So I finally got my bed sitting on its frame (that's a major red flag eliminated, kiwi ladies!) but now that my bed is up off the ground it's too easy for my cat to jump onto the half-wall that surrounds part of my bedroom loft. My cat is orange so of course she wants to jump onto a narrow ledge where if she loses her balance she falls 20 feet onto a hardwood floor. Anything I do to try and prevent her from jumping up there is just a fun challenge to her. The loft does not allow for any positioning of the bed to make the wall out of her range. I'm very worried because I know she is eventually going to jump up there and fall because she is old and dumb.
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I understand being worried but cats are natural shock absorbers and great balancers. You know your cat better than I of course but a 20 foot fall isn't much for a cat.
 
Tiny Tamagotchi has been on this earth barely a week and my horrible “mother” (egg donor is the preferable term) is trying to use her birth to make a big scene and posting on Facebook about how excited she is to be a grandma to her new granddaughter. If she’d been even somewhat of a respectable grandmother to my first three children, and my sister’s kid, I wouldn’t have minded so much, but the chances of her making an effort are slim to zero. She hasn’t even gotten in touch with me or my husband personally yet other than a comment on the public birth announcement we put online a couple days after baby was born. Ugh. I just hate the woman. Baby Tamagotchi is doing well though.
 
Don’t know if this counts as blackpilling,but it feels like the world in general has lost all its moral compass these days. It wouldn’t surprise me if someone rapes a kid in public and people will just looked the other way.
 
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I was introduced to and recommended the concept of DBT. Which sounds like a drug, but actually it's dialectical behavior therapy. I would be open to CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) too.

This is to get me some tools to manage my internal fuckery because MBT is helpful in understanding myself and others but it's not helpful in actually getting my emotions in check in the moment when they spiral, which is important in order to handle work where cooperation is key. MBT has been the only type of therapy I've gotten, and it's not enough.

Or worse, handling the recent bouts of what I like to call "diet suicidal thoughts" and a constant feeling of misery and doom and hopelessness. It's not because I am actively preparing and thinking of pulling an hero, hence the diet part. They are symptoms of stress and difficult emotional regulation and intrusive thoughts working overtime, but they are very internal, as I am not an outwardly emotional person - unless I am alone. And it did use to be much worse, but it's still hell to deal with and it can destroy an entire week for me because it's just this really long, big bitch spiral that keeps going and going into a lingering depression.

Lots of things work things seem to trigger a lot of shit from a lot of previous bad experiences and it was suggested that I should try to get assessed for C-PTSD as well since I apparently exhibit some symptoms. Idk if I want another bullet point on my laundry list, but oh well. I'm also a tiny bit sceptical because a lot of mental shit tends to overlap.

Public healthcare is a bit fucked here, so wait times are ungodly long, and I worry about how it will affect my case in the jobcenter, so the plan is to call my case worker and hear her out before I go any further.

One 45-minute conversation per month is not at all enough. That's for sure.

So all in all...okay, I guess. Man, I feel kinda bad for being so rambly about the absolute hot dog shit mess that is my mental health, but I find it more useful to just air out that shit on a forum where everyone is a little messy - hopefully not @BrunoMattei messy, so IDGAF, welcome to my public diary. In truth, this entire thread is a public diary.
 
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PetiteFeet said:
what are your choices aside from the trial? Months, years? Living in agony or relative normalcy?
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Without doing any of them, the plan will be to do more labs a week after radiation therapy is over and an MRI a month or two out to see what happened. It will be monitoring my disease, maybe more radiation if they like what they see when it comes back, and keeping me comfortable as long as possible. I don't have the energy anymore for more chemo, especially not for a 5% chance of it working. 7 different rounds of some of the nastiest chemo available, with the last two advertised to me as a "cure" due to its success, and all those failed? Yeah, I'm not a betting man at 5%. My family seems to be pissed about it. "Well, I guess it's your choice at the end of the day" was their response. I love them, and I know the idea of "throwing in the towel" is hard for them, but I really wish they were capable of putting themselves in my shoes for half a minute.
Otterly said:
If you want to DM me about it and have enough detail for me to look it up (NCT number or the name of it) I will very happily poke around and take a look at it and give you my opinion on what it looks like.
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Unfortunately, I found out today it won't be viable. It's in a different state and they don't keep anyone inpatient, but they want patients back on a pretty consistent basis for checking on them/data collection. If they'd give patients a room for a month, I'd do it, but I can't constantly fly/drive to another state or live out of a hotel room right now.
 
Nick Bockwinkel's Belt said:
I still feel guilty four years after the fact for euthanizing my golden. I know it was time. Everyone said I did the right thing. I still feel like I betrayed her. She had no idea where we were going and what was going to happen. She didn't know. I still remember the little whimper, the last sound she made when the needle went in. There had to have been something else I could've done to give her a more peaceful natural death. I'm awful.
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Breaks my heart, man. Completely understand your feelings, one of the many reasons i won't ever get a pet again.
Aero Soul said:
I completely and 100% agree. However, I'm not one of those people who started to watch anime during the COVID lockdown because I was bored. I've been watching anime since the '90s; I'm not a part of that group. I really, really do wish mainstream remained a niche interest in the West.
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I can understand that sentiment as well and also to 100%. I also started consooming manga and anime pre-boom in the 90's, these days i don't even bother anymore to show my power level when people around me are discussing animu IRL (except when it's EVA). The A&M community was always full of weirdos but in the present day it got too big and too weird for me to be associated any further with it. Despite that i still will shun the secondary and the tourist, contrary to popular belief gatekeeping is a good thing and should always be practiced, even if it is way too late for it to take effect anymore.
Eric Blair's Footnote said:
Friendships are meant to be easy. There is give and take. If someone asks for a lot more than they give, then they aren't really your friend. Perhaps you overthink these things and set too many expectations, or perhaps this person isn't meant to be your friend. Regardless, don't tell yourself you shouldn't or can't have friends. It's hard to be alone. I culled, or distanced myself from, a lot of people in my life, because all they would do is take. It is draining to give and get nothing back, if you are there for someone and they are not there for you, that isn't friendship.
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It sounded more like one of these wanted to make it more than a friendship (read: penis in vagina) and the other didn't. This being practically the norm in mixed gender friendships i stopped being friends with women. The only women i regularly hang out with are the girlfriends and wives of my male friends. With those the friendship is great because both sides know right of the bat anything else but pure friendship is off the table.
 
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WASR96 said:
If they'd give patients a room for a month, I'd do it,
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No one wants to spend that kind of money, inpatient trials are really expensive, so sadly it’s usually a schedule of visits which for oncology is usually intense. And you’d have no idea which dose you were on and no guarantees either.
I think you have a really good attitude to it all - I wouldn’t want endless chemo either. It’s hard for people who love you to ‘get’ that, I would imagine. Nothing about any of it is easy and as a culture we don’t deal well with death.
Do they get to go harder on the radiation at this point? Like ‘fuck it, turn the dial to 11’?
Fifty years time we will have nanobots engineered from blood cells and you’ll just send them in and they’ll take it out without damage to other tissues. That’s the dream.
 
WASR96 said:
Without doing any of them, the plan will be to do more labs a week after radiation therapy is over and an MRI a month or two out to see what happened. It will be monitoring my disease, maybe more radiation if they like what they see when it comes back, and keeping me comfortable as long as possible. I don't have the energy anymore for more chemo, especially not for a 5% chance of it working. 7 different rounds of some of the nastiest chemo available, with the last two advertised to me as a "cure" due to its success, and all those failed? Yeah, I'm not a betting man at 5%. My family seems to be pissed about it. "Well, I guess it's your choice at the end of the day" was their response. I love them, and I know the idea of "throwing in the towel" is hard for them, but I really wish they were capable of putting themselves in my shoes for half a minute.
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That's a very fair way to put it, and I 100% understand the absolute Herculean task it is to go through what you're going through. I do not blame you at all if "throwing in the towel" is the way you want to go. It's your life, your disease, and putting your faith in a diceroll of more chemo, further zapping you of strength, then it's your choice whether you want to go through with it or not.
I'm so sorry, man. I hope your family can see it from your perspective, too. The chemo can't be fun.
 
I came to the thread to comment about my ridiculously and unpleasantly stressful day I've fucked myself into having, but @WASR96, my concerns are petty in the grand scheme. Thinking the best for you.
 
The Feline Solution 2 said:
i stopped being friends with women.
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Same. It always starts out enjoyable, just being able to chat about interests, hobbies, work. Then they suddenly explode on me because I was just looking to be friends and I'm suddenly the devil because she "doesn't know where we stand" and I'm "leading them on." Fuck, if you were looking to be more than friends, you had a long time to say as much so I could have told you I wasn't looking for the same thing, this isn't High School and I'm not some fearful teen too scared to ask you to prom lol. You're spot on, two of my friends are married and I get along great with their wives.
Otterly said:
Do they get to go harder on the radiation at this point?
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Sort of. First radiation therapy was a focused, high power dose to attack the cancer since there was just 7 small lesions in one small area. Now that they're everywhere, they use a lower power, less focused beam across the back to front of my head. Not as bad as the first round since the mask is looser this time and it only takes around 15 minutes each session rather than the 1+ hours from the first time.
PetiteFeet said:
I'm so sorry, man. I hope your family can see it from your perspective, too. The chemo can't be fun.
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Thank you :) it's definitely not fun, and I'm tired. I've been doing this shit all year and I don't want the hospital to be a second home anymore. I see the writing on the wall, and I'd rather spend this time with family and friends doing fun shit rather than be down for another two weeks, at least, for a futile effort. Taking my brothers to Drive Tanks once the middle one gets down this week, and my best friend will be here in January to get up to whatever stupid shit we usually get up to when we hang out.
Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
I came to the thread to comment about my ridiculously and unpleasantly stressful day I've fucked myself into having, but @WASR96, my concerns are petty in the grand scheme. Thinking the best for you.
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Not petty at all, you don't have to be in my shoes to be having a shitty day. Don't bottle it up, let us know what's going on since everyone has their own brand of bullshit going on that makes life suck at times. I didn't mean to hijack the thread, I'm actually pretty content with where I'm at right now :) I've legitimately broke down in my car after work when I was at my most stressful job far more than I have during any of the news I've received this year.
 
@DenseDeerFather
Can't reply for some reason.
This might sound a bit generic, but im more saying this for anyone reading the thread as much as you. I think the thing that's helped me the most with my mental health is learning to work with myself, not against myself. I realised I was spending so much time being critical of my own thoughts and feelings, to the point I was my own enemy. ***Easier said than done***, but food for thought. You're never going to help yourself if you hate yourself or the way you think and feel. It's okay to be flawed.
 
Eric Blair's Footnote said:
@DenseDeerFather
Can't reply for some reason.
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With posts that are somewhat longer than average, you're supposed to highlight the text you want to quote.
Eric Blair's Footnote said:
This might sound a bit generic, but im more saying this for anyone reading the thread as much as you. I think the thing that's helped me the most with my mental health is learning to work with myself, not against myself. I realised I was spending so much time being critical of my own thoughts and feelings, to the point I was my own enemy. ***Easier said than done***, but food for thought. You're never going to help yourself if you hate yourself or the way you think and feel. It's okay to be flawed.
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Indeed. And this is a lesson I constantly remind myself of. In that regard, MBT has been useful because it taught me how to stand up against abusive family members and be a little more selfish, to put it bluntly. Or simply, learn how to set boundaries for myself and others.

Unfortunately, it cannot protect against horrible experiences when said boundaries are ignored and the lingering afterimage of those incidents. I do fall behind on that part.
 
Talked with an ex for a bit. Now knowing all the BPD stereotypes, so much is clearer - it's both horrifying but also a relief.

Having someone so beautiful and full of life point so much affection at you, it's truly the best feeling imaginable. But it's only now I can fully realize how hollow it all is - even if she never lied, it's all just so fickle and impermanent.

For so long I hated myself for not being able to keep her, like I'd lost the worlds greatest jewel. Instead it's more like I was doing heroin - no matter how good it feels, it's not a tenable life.
 
Pattern Juggler said:
For so long I hated myself for not being able to keep her, like I'd lost the worlds greatest jewel.
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Being with a BPDemon is rough. You'll always have this nagging hope that she'll suddenly wake up and realize what she's doing, but it'll never happen. Not only that, but she'll only get worse as time goes by. Good for you that you've managed to escape relatively unscathed.

I only wish BPD wasn't the default setting for the majority of women.
 
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