How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Wigger Rights Advocate]

It's hard to cope with having to put down a pet. We had to put our old frenchie down in the christmas holidays back in 2020, and I'm still not over it.
Be there for her, in her final moment. It's difficult and it fucking sucks, but I would regret it if I wasn't there for my own girlie when it's eventually her time.
She's your furbaby (as cringe as some find that word) and you love her like a cherished member of your family. You are allowed to grieve in whatever way you need to, for however long.

If it helps and you want to, please do share stories and pictures of her.

My worry is that she'll pass away or have to be urgently put down while I'm at work or school. My mom loves her so I know she'll feel the love but I need to be there for her final moments. I'll probably have to take the day off from work either way so I can just break down all by myself, that's going to be a terrible conversation with my manager. On top of all of this I have a bunch of exams and group projects and I just... can't even find the brain capacity to think about those things.

We found out what's wrong btw. She's had chronic kidney issues since she was six. For the past eight years we gave her medication every single day at exactly the same time. Well, the meds are no longer helping her. The vet said she lived a really long time, given her chronic illness. But for some reason that doesn't really comfort me. I could've been better to her, I think that's what's killing me rn.

Sorry to be so annoying about this but I have no one to talk to. I don't like talking about my issues to anyone (which is funny because I'm doing exactly that).

 

[PetiteFeet]

My worry is that she'll pass away or have to be urgently put down while I'm at work or school. My mom loves her so I know she'll feel the love but I need to be there for her final moments. I'll probably have to take the day off from work either way so I can just break down all by myself, that's going to be a terrible conversation with my manager. On top of all of this I have a bunch of exams and group projects and I just... can't even find the brain capacity to think about those things.

We found out what's wrong btw. She's had chronic kidney issues since she was six. For the past eight years we gave her medication every single day at exactly the same time. Well, the meds are no longer helping her. The vet said she lived a really long time, given her chronic illness. But for some reason that doesn't really comfort me. I could've been better to her, I think that's what's killing me rn.

Sorry to be so annoying about this but I have no one to talk to. I don't like talking about my issues to anyone (which is funny because I'm doing exactly that).

Oh man, talk about awful timing (not that there's ever a "good timing" with death)
Can you explain the situation to your workplace and school? You could just say it's a family member who has suddenly fallen gravely ill and you want to be there for them.

Spoiler: dog talk

I can relate to your feelings of guilt. Our old frenchie started declining in his physical health around my mother's 60th birthday (I remember it because we were on an extended weekend with our entire family and both dogs) where my brother came back from a relatively short walk with the dogs, and his hind left paw was bleeding because he couldn't properly lift his leg.
Fast forward a year and a half, he had slowly become disabled in his entire left half of his body and my parents would take him to a physiotherapist who would give him a massage on his spine because we suspected that he had a disc problem.
Turns out, it probably wasn't a disc problem and around October 2020 he started having seizures on top of everything else. His vet prescribed him anti-seizure medicine, but it didn't work. To this day I still suspect he had developed a tumour, as you don't suddenly become epileptic in the way his seizures suddenly came about.
Jump to December 2020. On the 26th of December my older brother and I took the dogs to a local dogpark, no real issues for most of the trip there except suddenly, the frenchie began walking in the opposite direction of us, as if he was an old man suffering from dementia.
I told my parents, enough is enough and that we needed to have him put out of his misery. He would have at least one seizure every day at that point, he refused to sleep in my bed (he was "my" dog and had slept under my duvet every day since he was 6 months old and until I moved out, but every weekend I'd stay with my parents he would revert to his old habit.) and there were other signs that he was not in a good place at all.
So we took him to the vet, on the 28th. My parents and me. We were allowed to be in the room with him and pet him while he was given his final injection so he would fall asleep. Despite being in the height of the first lockdown from corona, we stood gathered around him and cried without masks on.

You are not annoying, it's understandable to have complicated feelings even if she's "just" a dog.
A furry sibling or a furry child, doesn't matter what you want to call your pet/s. They are a member of the family, they are cherished and they give us so much in return of so little.
It's one of the incredibly unfortunate and difficult tasks that you cannot avoid, when you get a pet. The heavy mantle of deciding when there isn't any dignity left in letting an animal live.
My own dog is 10 and despite how physically and mentally healthy she is as of writing, I secretly count the years to prepare myself and I already know I want the vet to come to my house when the time comes, because my dog is so afraid of going to the vet.
You can prepare yourself as much as you possibly can, it still does not soften the agony of having to say goodbye to a deeply loved member of the family.

I'm so sorry, friend.

Thread tax: Halfway done with radiation. Oncologist believes it's working due to my side effects, he said the body was working to clean up the dead cells which is causing brain swelling. Not a lot of room for the brain to swell which is why I'm having the headaches, neck pain, vertigo, and nausea. He prescribed some steroids that are supposed to relieve the symptoms.

As absurd as it is, I am glad you are having side effects. I pray that your oncologist is correct, and that the radiation is working.

 

[DenseDeerFather]

Sorry man. My very first job was a warehouse. 99% of the people above me were assholes. I had one supervisor the whole time there who rocked. Remember their behavior when you get to a position of authority yourself, so you know how not to treat the people under you. I've had a lot more success in my jobs reminding myself what it was like to be on the bottom rung and treating them like people instead of being an asshole.

I doubt I will ever be this lucky to reach a position of power. Some people are destined to become the stepping stones of those witth more ambitions....or soemthing. At the moment, I just want to reach a stage in life where I can be happy first and foremost.

If there's any solace, the district manager got a phonecall, during which he referred to this very store, quite eloquently, as a "shitty dumpster store", which even shocked the female employees he had been trying to get jiggy with moments earlier when they overheard it.

What a prick lmao.

Thread tax: Halfway done with radiation. Oncologist believes it's working due to my side effects, he said the body was working to clean up the dead cells which is causing brain swelling. Not a lot of room for the brain to swell which is why I'm having the headaches, neck pain, vertigo, and nausea. He prescribed some steroids that are supposed to relieve the symptoms.

Oh, this makes me really hopeful as naive as that sounds. What does this mean for your prognosis? Does it change anything actually?

 

[WASR96]

I doubt I will ever be this lucky to reach a position of power.

You'd be surprised. I've always been happier as a do-er than a demand-er, but I find if you stick with a place long enough, you eventually get pulled from the work and forced to put out fires. I do hope you get to find a job that appreciates what you do and that you can enjoy working there, though.

What a prick lmao.

Yeah this dude sounds like a complete asshole. They're usually responsible for their own downfall in the end. One of the shittiest, most condescending assholes I ever worked for "retired" and had to move in with his younger sister since he had too much credit card debt to get his own house.

Oh, this makes me really hopeful as naive as that sounds. What does this mean for your prognosis? Does it change anything actually?

It doesn't sound like it, but it should buy me more time. I asked him about it when I had my meeting before starting this round of radiation, since he told me he was confident he could kill it all. It will eventually make its way back. He told me to "expect the worst and pray for the best" and advised I continue with my plans to meet with friends and go on the trips I've been planning. The other options available are two different chemo regiments that only have a 5-20% success rate for people in similar situations to mine, or a clinical trial that's still in its early stages that they can't guarantee anything with since I could be chosen to test a low, medium, or high dose with unknown side effects. I'm sort of torn on the clinical trial. Not because I think it would help me, but thinking I should do it if they could get valuable data that could save someone in the future.

 

[Nick Bockwinkel's Belt]

I'm so sorry, friend.

I still feel guilty four years after the fact for euthanizing my golden. I know it was time. Everyone said I did the right thing. I still feel like I betrayed her. She had no idea where we were going and what was going to happen. She didn't know. I still remember the little whimper, the last sound she made when the needle went in. There had to have been something else I could've done to give her a more peaceful natural death. I'm awful.

 

[long waters]

As far as anime goes, I really don't get the hate. I can understand indifference, but why the hate? If someone doesn't like a particular medium, I don't understand why those people can't just say "this isn't my cup of tea?"
But maybe you can enlighten me on that.

I am a weeb, I have watched over a hundred anime and I own physical manga. And yet, in a way I find myself approving of Null's hate for anime. Perhaps I kind of view it as a form of extreme gatekeeping. I don't think anime becoming overly mainstream is a good thing. I don't think people openly talking about anime irl is a good thing either. I'm not sure if I can fully put it into words, but some things should be kept to their own niche communities and not flaunted about. The general notion is that things should be enjoyed in moderation, and too much of a good thing can degenerate and become a bad thing. Dunno if I'm making much sense here hah.

I could've been better to her, I think that's what's killing me rn.

Oh man... You awakened an old memory of mine. I've never been a pet person myself, I like both dogs and cats, cats a bit more than dogs, but I don't think I'd ever want to have a pet myself. However, my parents have had a number of dogs and cats over the years. They once had this dog I'd known since she was a pup. I didn't really see her often, but for some reason she really liked me and was always really happy every time I dropped by. In her final year, I think it was autumn or winter, my parents were out of town and I would drop by to feed her. The last time I saw her she seemed weaker than ever. I think I was kind of in a rush or something and didn't stick around to pet her and console her. She passed away soon after and I've always regretted not being nicer to her during that time. She was a nice loving doggo, and I feel like in a way I betrayed her at that time... Every now and then I remember this. I think I have a lot of regrets, but this is one of the more significant ones.

Recently, I had a cold. Sucked a bit but it passed. What sucks more is I've once again completely decalibrated my sleep schedule. I've done this a number of times this year, it is slightly concerning. Perhaps depression related? On one hand, I love sleeping, on the other hand, I've been dreading the thought of "tomorrow" and been staying up late into the AMs.

 

[Nick Bockwinkel's Belt]

 

[Aero Soul]

I am a weeb, I have watched over a hundred anime and I own physical manga. And yet, in a way I find myself approving of Null's hate for anime. Perhaps I kind of view it as a form of extreme gatekeeping. I don't think anime becoming overly mainstream is a good thing. I don't think people openly talking about anime irl is a good thing either. I'm not sure if I can fully put it into words, but some things should be kept to their own niche communities and not flaunted about. The general notion is that things should be enjoyed in moderation, and too much of a good thing can degenerate and become a bad thing. Dunno if I'm making much sense here hah.

I completely and 100% agree. However, I'm not one of those people who started to watch anime during the COVID lockdown because I was bored. I've been watching anime since the '90s; I'm not a part of that group. I really, really do wish mainstream remained a niche interest in the West.

 

[Nick Bockwinkel's Belt]

I really, really do wish mainstream remained a niche interest in the West.

I feel the same way about video games. Gatekeeping is important, and everything needs to be gatekept to block the tourists, (((profiteers))) and tranny activists (but I repeat myself). They ruin everything they come in contact with.

 

[Squanto Airi]

Anyone doing anything interesting to their turkey this Christmas? I'm down to try new recipes.

There is that thanksgiving turkey recipe thread, but my parents do a brine then smoke the turkey, as well as putting a garlic herb butter underneath the skin.

I can't quote your post for some reason.

If that does happen, you can just select a part of the post to quote, like I did here.

TAX: Work has slowed down. It's gotten colder here. Mentally not doing the best.

 

[Alexander II of Russia]

Today, I might have ended one of the best friendships I have ever had with someone, she was one of the nicest persons I have ever met and we got together with so much ease. However, months of tension between us finally explded after a while, and when she decided to try and tell me that she no longer wanted to have this friendship with me, I decided to be the one to end it for good.

I have realized, I am not good for doing friendships and that I'm always the one who ended up ruining it. So I think for the better it's better to not have friends or leaving my heart open for someone else ever again. The pain I feel is unbearable and it might be like this for a long time. Loneliness might be my way to go for a long time for this, but I brought this on myself, it's the cross I will have to carry for a long time. It's all so tiresome.

 

[DavidS877]

Loneliness might be my way to go for a long time for this, but I brought this on myself, it's the cross I will have to carry for a long time. It's all so tiresome.

 

[Candlelight Desolation]

I have recently started an exercise regimen to lose weight at Planet Fitness: go on the treadmill, walk for half an hour at 3 mph at 12 incline. I shed over 300 calories today, and I've been taking walks later on in the day when I go to the gym as well, though I need to not forget about my arms. I am continuing my reading, and I've come to the state of mind where my politics are beginning to crystallize more thanks to my reading and topics I am interested in with the books I pick, and it reinforces the view that I am politically homeless in the country I live in (US). It has frustrated me that a lot of people here seem to think there are only two options in politics (neither of which I like - Marxism and failing Neoconservatism; I do not consider Libertarianism a good idea, either), and people can confuse you for one or the other given lack of nuance.

A lot of this overall societal feeling among people I imagine is because the US is both young and geographically isolated from a lot of other countries whereas Europe has more countries in it compared to North America with wildly different politics in a different continent. I have a relative who surmises that probably 20% of people in their early to mid 20's actually sit down to read and study books while the other 80% just get their views from Twitter or other sites like it. I fight the melancholia with my exercises, hobbies, and religiosity, though I am generally disillusioned with the wider society around myself. It doesn't help finding a job is incredibly difficult, and I realize my internal monologues and observations are really just a reaction to societal collapse.

I've also bought some military model kits from a flea market nearby me (one is a Finnish Winter War tank and the other a Russian submarine), and I hope to get to them eventually. Some new hobbies might be discovered if I like this one. I also buy natural honey from a few vendors there at the flea market, and I put it on toast nightly. I recall there are some health benefits to raw honey, so perhaps that'll improve my health as time goes on and my body acclimates to it. During some walks, I have practiced speaking Polish by counting to 0 to 20 back and forth in the language, and I have Duolingo downloaded on my phone to study the language more (RosettaStone was too expensive), though I haven't done anything with the app yet.

 

[AnOminous]

There is that thanksgiving turkey recipe thread, but my parents do a brine then smoke the turkey, as well as putting a garlic herb butter underneath the skin.

I like putting bacon under the skin. You can also hold it in place with toothpicks.

 

[Eric Blair's Footnote]

Today, I might have ended one of the best friendships I have ever had with someone, she was one of the nicest persons I have ever met and we got together with so much ease. However, months of tension between us finally explded after a while, and when she decided to try and tell me that she no longer wanted to have this friendship with me, I decided to be the one to end it for good.

I have realized, I am not good for doing friendships and that I'm always the one who ended up ruining it. So I think for the better it's better to not have friends or leaving my heart open for someone else ever again. The pain I feel is unbearable and it might be like this for a long time. Loneliness might be my way to go for a long time for this, but I brought this on myself, it's the cross I will have to carry for a long time. It's all so tiresome.

Friendships are meant to be easy. There is give and take. If someone asks for a lot more than they give, then they aren't really your friend. Perhaps you overthink these things and set too many expectations, or perhaps this person isn't meant to be your friend. Regardless, don't tell yourself you shouldn't or can't have friends. It's hard to be alone. I culled, or distanced myself from, a lot of people in my life, because all they would do is take. It is draining to give and get nothing back, if you are there for someone and they are not there for you, that isn't friendship.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

Today, I might have ended one of the best friendships I have ever had with someone, she was one of the nicest persons I have ever met and we got together with so much ease. However, months of tension between us finally explded after a while, and when she decided to try and tell me that she no longer wanted to have this friendship with me, I decided to be the one to end it for good.

I have realized, I am not good for doing friendships and that I'm always the one who ended up ruining it. So I think for the better it's better to not have friends or leaving my heart open for someone else ever again. The pain I feel is unbearable and it might be like this for a long time. Loneliness might be my way to go for a long time for this, but I brought this on myself, it's the cross I will have to carry for a long time. It's all so tiresome.

Well, I am now basically friendless, so we can be friendless together. Just kidding, nothing good will come from being friends with me

 

[DenseDeerFather]

Well, I am now basically friendless, so we can be friendless together. Just kidding, nothing good will come from being friends with me

Sweet, me too. We can be the Friendless Friends

Best Fiends Forever!

Just be warned that it takes a whole for me to open up so you gotta treat the deer with turtle gloves.

 

[Slap47]

I have realized, I am not good for doing friendships and that I'm always the one who ended up ruining it.

Friendships are meant to be easy. There is give and take. If someone asks for a lot more than they give, then they aren't really your friend.

Gamifying friendships is one way managing them. Imagine you have a bar that progressively ticks down. You need to do positive actions to keep the bar up, but you can also reduce the bar by being selfish and using them to your advantage or just passively lose points through their acts of kindness.

Perhaps this is unhealthy, but it is logical.

 

[PetiteFeet]

or a clinical trial that's still in its early stages that they can't guarantee anything with since I could be chosen to test a low, medium, or high dose with unknown side effects. I'm sort of torn on the clinical trial. Not because I think it would help me, but thinking I should do it if they could get valuable data that could save someone in the future.

A huge part of me would want to partake in any and all clinical trials I could with regards to my mental health, I imagine I would have a similar stance if I were in your stead. Obviously, I am not and I don't think it wise to listen to an internet stranger in general, but what are your choices aside from the trial? Months, years? Living in agony or relative normalcy?
If your family and loved ones won't "suffer" more from you joining a clinical trial, I think it could be a potentially important decision for the sake of future patients. "Suffer" is the wrong word for it, but any synonyms are escaping me right now.

I still feel guilty four years after the fact for euthanizing my golden. I know it was time. Everyone said I did the right thing. I still feel like I betrayed her. She had no idea where we were going and what was going to happen. She didn't know. I still remember the little whimper, the last sound she made when the needle went in. There had to have been something else I could've done to give her a more peaceful natural death. I'm awful.

It's so incredibly difficult to have to euthanise your pets. I remember the previously mentioned French bulldog's euthanasia, he whimpered and flinched a little when he got the first injection to make him sleep. But knowing he wouldn't have to suffer any more seizures, or not being able to stand fully on his own. That helped me find the will to steel myself for his death.

Every now and then I remember this. I think I have a lot of regrets, but this is one of the more significant ones.

Instead of living a life of regrets, try to change how you would react in a similar situation in the future. Actively choose to act differently. We cannot change the past, only shape the future.

Loneliness might be my way to go for a long time for this, but I brought this on myself, it's the cross I will have to carry for a long time. It's all so tiresome.

As someone who hasn't had a meaningful relationship on a fully level playingfield, with my only non-familial connections being my tard wranglers, for close to the last 15 years...loneliness is not the way to go about things.
Try to make connections via hobbies or daily activities. I wouldn't call them friendships, but I have polite and friendly conversations on a near daily basis with a varied assortment of people from my neighbourhood. Most of them are dog owners, so I cross paths with them whenever I walk my dog. They soothe a bit of the loneliness I suffer, so I don't live in a smothering darkness all of the time. It's not quite the same, but it's better than only having a meaningful conversation with my shrink once a month.

 

[long waters]

Just kidding, nothing good will come from being friends with me

You should probably stop with the self deprecating jokes like that. I mean I get it, I do it too, but at the same time I think these things have a way of becoming some kind of self fulfilling prophecy. Treat yourself more kindly and in time others will treat you more kindly too, or so I hope.

Instead of living a life of regrets, try to change how you would react in a similar situation in the future. Actively choose to act differently. We cannot change the past, only shape the future.

Indeed, I agree, but at the same time it's one of those things that probably stays with you for life. Although that may not necessarily be a bad thing.