How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Still depressed, I guess. I know no one cares, but whatever. I thought having a job would fix it, maybe that's my problem, that I thought if I did "what I'm supposed to", at this age, things would get better. But it turns out you don't do things you're supposed to to feel better, you do them because you're supposed to. I feel like I'm not allowed to complain about work because it's something I'm supposed to be doing and it's so hard to find employment for everyone, I don't want to sound ungrateful. But, I wake up full of Dread, not because I hate work but because working in food service is really nerve wracking (If I fuck up the customers might yell at me. They'll do that no matter what your job is, but you know.)

I thought itd get better, but maybe it doesn't. Maybe everyone is just miserable forever and we just shut up and push through. But like, what for?

Idk, I'm a whiney little bitch, haha.
 
I am slowly starting to realize that I am not that smart and it makes me both anxious about my career prospects and fueling my fear of failure. My current study and future career is being a process engineer in a production environment. But while I am doing my last year of internships with different companies, I am starting to realize that I am not that creative nor intelligent. Most of my "ideas" come from interviewing people and lots of reading, I have never thought of an idea that wasn't either stolen or borrowed from another source. The only thing what I can boast about is how "good" my report is, but I am starting to realize that it is mostly cope for the excessive amount of time I wasted making it. I feel like those elderly employees who are seen as "productive/busy" but spend like 15 minutes per email slowly typing each letter. It is slowly causing me to feel like a fake and a fraud, that I should either keep faking it or restart all over again with a more technical study like mechanical engineering.

On the surface, everybody sees me as a decent dude who achieves good scores and does his work diligently but I see it as nothing more than appearances and deceit. I implied to my parents that I will do a masters degree as a follow up but I don't think I can properly handle it. I am starting to regret not becoming a mechanic, I only ever "enjoyed" office/analysis work because of how easy it seemed to be and how much time you could waste on the job. The teachers, supervisors and others said that I should be prideful of my work and how good I am doing the things I do. But I did fuck all, there's nothing to be prideful about, it all feels like a shitty sticker on my resume. The only pride I have gotten from my career was walking 20 km a day moving cargo around in a factory with Polish workers. But I don't think going for a lesser study like mechanic or welding will be viable due to sunk costs and wages. Maybe I am just a rambling faggot with low self-esteem that should just get gut.

But except for the things mentioned, I'm doing okay.
 
WASR96 said:
I'm at peace with the inevitable.
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It is not inevitable. People went into long term remission from cancers even more advanced and crippling than yours, see for example cases described by Gerson, Pauling and Cameron, Riordan, Hoffer, and others. I see no reason not to try. Unlike conventional treatment, nutritional approach to cancer therapy is cheap, safe, without side effects, and most importantly, while a cure can obviously never be guaranteed in any disease, let alone in cancer, I guarantee that you would at least feel better, regardless of the outcome. A good deal of the suffering you've been complaining about in this thread is simply due to the extreme metabolic demands put on your body by both the disease and the treatment, demands which obviously aren't met by your current nutrition. If nothing else, such discomfort could be greatly relieved.
 
WASR96 said:
I'd say it's acceptance. I …. I'd prefer we all just act like everything is fine and enjoy each others company while we can. They'll have a lot of time where they're going to have to process this when I'm gone, and I don't want them to spend time beating themselves up with "I wish we had more time" what if's when we literally have that time now.
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it’d be really funny if you were the outlier and in two years everyone’s still doing it. Be a funny sitcom setup wouldn’t it? Everyone gets all emotional and does expensive stuff with you and reveals their feelings and you’re still there five years later….
I hope you are, but at the same time, you’re being very dignified about all this, it’s humbling to see such grace.
One Sixth Native American said:
Has anyone experienced burnout so deep they can’t focus on work anymore? What did they do to get over it?
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Yeah. Last year I burned out totally. I just woke up one morning and couldnt do it any more. Was signed off for a while. Couldn’t even read a book. Completely unable to function at work.
What did I do to get over it? I’d love to tell you that All The Things worked, I was given antidepressants (which I binned) and told to rest (I did) take time off (I did) and exercise and all that. None of it made me feel better
I was told to get a new job, but they’re all the same in my industry and at least I’m past probation and worked long enough to have some protection so I didn’t do that. If you’re able to do that, and remove the work stress, do.
But. None of it worked. I’m not better-better. I’m just able to go and act like I can manage ok because I decided that I just have to get up in the morning, shower/dress/kids to school/go to work and pretend I’m functional. There’s only so long you can’t go to work for, and nobody else is gonna do the laundry so I just get up and do it. I am completely burned out and hollow and I dont think I experienced any emotion for months.
My advice would be to take some time off and rest. Really rest. Get a new job if you can and before you do think about what about the job is killing you. For me it was Covid trashing any ideal I had about my job helping people, the relentless ridiculous pressure over stupid stuff, and the disconnect between the power I have (zero) and the responsibility (large.)
My other bit of advice is to think about what does make you happy. Do more of it. Otherwise I think burnout has its own timeline and I don’t think everyone gets fully better. Happy to talk more about it if you want to dm me.
Stress will kill you - I’ll be blunt and say it. It really will. Be gentle with yourself.
 
Losing it more and more with each passing day. People can do whatever they want to you, lie about you, take from you, and you just have no recourse. Nobody gives a shit. Why should they?
 
Nick Bockwinkel's Belt said:
I dunno how much of an improvement this'll be in whatever environment you work in, but I came to a realization while grumbling to myself about my co-workers taking 10-15 minute smoke breaks every hour. I decided if they were allowed to spend 2 hours a day standing outside sucking on shitsticks I should be allowed to do something similar. So I started taking morning and afternoon walks. No scheduled time, just when I felt like it I got up and left the building for a walk. I was ready to bitch about the smokers if management decided to give me shit about it, but no one ever did.
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I can attest that walks are great. During the summer I walk a few miles a day. Morning walks with the dog and a lunch walk are the things that keep me going. Maybe I need more small breaks rather than single longer ones…

Otterly said:
Yeah. Last year I burned out totally. I just woke up one morning and couldnt do it any more. Was signed off for a while. Couldn’t even read a book. Completely unable to function at work.
What did I do to get over it? I’d love to tell you that All The Things worked, I was given antidepressants (which I binned) and told to rest (I did) take time off (I did) and exercise and all that. None of it made me feel better
I was told to get a new job, but they’re all the same in my industry and at least I’m past probation and worked long enough to have some protection so I didn’t do that. If you’re able to do that, and remove the work stress, do.
But. None of it worked. I’m not better-better. I’m just able to go and act like I can manage ok because I decided that I just have to get up in the morning, shower/dress/kids to school/go to work and pretend I’m functional. There’s only so long you can’t go to work for, and nobody else is gonna do the laundry so I just get up and do it. I am completely burned out and hollow and I dont think I experienced any emotion for months.
My advice would be to take some time off and rest. Really rest. Get a new job if you can and before you do think about what about the job is killing you. For me it was Covid trashing any ideal I had about my job helping people, the relentless ridiculous pressure over stupid stuff, and the disconnect between the power I have (zero) and the responsibility (large.)
My other bit of advice is to think about what does make you happy. Do more of it. Otherwise I think burnout has its own timeline and I don’t think everyone gets fully better. Happy to talk more about it if you want to dm me.
Stress will kill you - I’ll be blunt and say it. It really will. Be gentle with yourself.
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Thanks for the insight, I feel almost exactly like you describe. Tried antidepressants as well and those were absolutely awful. I felt so much worse. Cutting off the lows comes at the cost of never feeling good.

I’m kind of feeling like this burnout won’t go away but that there is still stuff to enjoy. I have seriously considered a career change (away from a professional role) but I can’t decide if that change will fix anything. There’s almost just a feeling of workplace anxiety or tension that’s just stripped all of the fun in building something with your team.
 
One Sixth Native American said:
I can attest that walks are great. During the summer I walk a few miles a day. Morning walks with the dog and a lunch walk are the things that keep me going. Maybe I need more small breaks rather than single longer ones…
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I third the walks. Especially if you have a goofy dog willing to race you or run after sticks.
I also really, really enjoy sitting on a bench at the beach and just letting the sounds of the water hit me. Especially the fall/winter weather, where the wind roars and pulls my hair into every direction. My depression and social anxiety is momentarily forgotten when I can smell the salty water.

Mindfulness and things like breathing exercises and meditation is also great. Learning to appreciate little, simple things like the way your tap water tastes or how chocolate melts on your tongue, or running your fingers through an animal's fur.
I'm not saying it's perfect and you'll cure all that ails you, but learning to be in the moment is something I've slowly come to appreciate.
 
WASR96 said:
Who knows, maybe a miracle will happen, but I trust my Oncologist since he's fought like hell for me. I'm at peace with the inevitable.
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Whatever your future holds, I hope you're able to choose how it all ends and how you feel about it, as much as possible. I don't even know you but I've seen many, many examples of those who simply had to wait for the end to come, trapped like prisoners either physically, psychologically, or both. I don't want that for you.

For me, things are going better than they have been for a long time. Hallucinogenic therapy has been enormously helpful. I feel like I'm good enough, what I'm doing with my life is enough, and the man I'm working on becoming is someone worth being around. It'll never be perfect or easy but nothing worth doing and having ever is.

I've thought long and hard about how I could best demonstrate the enormous gratitude I feel for all I've been given over the past few years. Becoming and staying a man who's maximized his potential would be an undeniable way to do that.
 
One Sixth Native American said:
Has anyone experienced burnout so deep they can’t focus on work anymore? What did they do to get over it?
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Kind of, I just quit, but I don't think I'd recommend that. Currently I'm feeling better than in past months, but I'm still trying to figure out future goals and such.

In recent weeks I have picked up a new hobby irl and I've been attending that regularly. I won't go into detail, but so far so good. I still suck at socializing, and frankly I still find it weird/hard to talk to people irl, but it's nice to have some kind of activity that you do in common with other people. Now I just have to make sure I stick with it long term and see where it takes me.

I could swear that using English on the Internet has corrupted my brain. I have been too terminally online and it feels like it's gotten to the point where I find it difficult to communicate in my own native language. At the same time, it feels like real time chat apps have infected me with some kind of brainrot too, causing my communications skills in English to also diminish.

The man The only man said:
I am slowly starting to realize that I am not that smart and it makes me both anxious about my career prospects and fueling my fear of failure ... I am starting to realize that I am not that creative nor intelligent. Most of my "ideas" come from interviewing people and lots of reading, I have never thought of an idea that wasn't either stolen or borrowed from another source ...
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Most people are not as intelligent as they think they are, but that's fine, you don't have to be a genius to be successful and happy in life. Everyone draws inspiration and builds upon people's prior knowledge and efforts, being able to recognize, learn and apply existing good ideas is a valuable skill. If you can identify good ideas from others and apply them in your work context to solve problems, that's already great.

Heck, as a programmer, most of what I have been doing is "stealing" ideas from stackoverflow and such. And now I suppose with AI tools you could say more people than ever are "stealing" ideas from everyone else, some more successfully than others :lol: I'm repeating myself, but knowing what to "steal" is a skill in itself.
 
Nick Bockwinkel's Belt said:
And if you don't happen to live near an ocean, but are fortunate enough to live in the snowy north, you can have this experience whenever there's a thaw and the salty water on the roads and sidewalks is evaporating.
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I am blessed with living in a small european country so I get both. But really, any small sanctuary in nature + sitting and just existing is liberating, as gay as it sounds.
Literally touching grass. Humans weren't made to sit in front of a screen every day for hours on end, be it the TV, your computer or your smartphone. I know it's very hypocritical of me to be writing this on my pc and posting it online, but whenever I spend more than 30 minutes outside I feel infinitely better.
Dean Pentel said:
Hallucinogenic therapy has been enormously helpful.
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Can I ask, how? Are you microdosing on acid/shrooms by yourself or is it a guided thing with a therapist, or a trip guide?
I've been struggling with my issues for so long that I've been considering alternate types of therapy, like ECT (last resort) or ketamine.
 
Dean Pentel said:
Hallucinogenic therapy has been enormously helpful.
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PetiteFeet said:
I've been struggling with my issues for so long that I've been considering alternate types of therapy, like ECT (last resort) or ketamine.
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I'd like to know, too. I'm not interested in ECT or anything that comes with a risk of irreversible damage or this:
One Sixth Native American said:
Cutting off the lows comes at the cost of never feeling good.
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I'm also not interested in doing the Boogie2988 thing with LSD/shrooms and the "guided trip". That's boomer hippie bullshit from India. But I've read that ketamine has done wonders for treatment-resistant depression and anxiety. But there hasn't been a lot of studies done with it, and getting insurance to pay for it is unlikely.
 
One Sixth Native American said:
Has anyone experienced burnout so deep they can’t focus on work anymore? What did they do to get over it?

I’m feeling great outside of work, life’s good. My workplace is just so poorly organized and managed that I’m constantly unable to finish tasks. It’s beginning to ruin my ability to focus on other focus tasks (like reading) that I used to enjoy…
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Most important skill I've learned is to leave work AT work. It's going to be there tomorrow, and there's always going to be more of it. When you walk out the door for the day, you stop thinking about what you'll have to do tomorrow. I was getting to the point where I'd get off on Friday and immediately be stressing over going back Monday and it would ruin my whole weekend. That's no way to live. If you can, take some time off and don't bring the worries of work with you. Focus on your hobbies, spend some time with friends or family, or go somewhere you've been wanting to get away to. If you're beat up/sore from work, go get a massage or acupuncture. I went and had acupuncture done on my lower back last weekend, it alleviated a shit load of pressure off my lower back. I also left the job that was causing me the most stress, but I definitely wouldn't recommend that unless you have another spot already lined up. I hope things improve for you, and if you're an avid reader, drop some good book recommendations!

Thread tax: talked to radiology today. He showed me the scans of my brain. He circled a few example spots to show me what I was looking at. Then I noticed just how many of those white dots were all over my brain. Yeah, not awesome. And that's only what they could see, he said there was definitely more. Too many for him to do the focused high radiation beam they did last time. He's going to have to do a wider range over the entirely of my brain, and then do a high beam on the big spots that are worrisome since they're over 2.4cm. He was at least sure he would be able to alleviate a lot of my pain and that this would buy me some more time. Going back in tomorrow to get a new mask made, and to hopefully pick up my painkiller refill after my patient advocate finishes yelling at pharmacy since they turned me away today since a different Oncologist put in the refill (primary is on vacation for the week.) Sounds like I'll have to go in 10 days in a row since he wants to finish this treatment before Christmas. Pain in the ass to drive there that many times, but if it brings back the feeling in my left foot and stops the world from spinning when I wake up, it'll be worth it.

TL;DR my brain is fucked. Oncology Radiologist is going to do his best to give me more time.
 
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