How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Irregardless]

Wife and I are trying to reconnect with some family, and it's uhhh, not going to well unfortunately.
I'll try to keep this short, about a decade ago there was some drama that went down between my wife and another female member of my family (they were best friends at the time), wife accidently forgot to give female family member a ride somewhere, it turned into this whole thing that basically blew up the dynamic with that side of my family.

There was a small period of reconciliation 6 years ago, but from what I saw things weren't "truly" resolved, and when my wife tried to discuss that, the female family member sperged out, blamed everything on us, and then tried to get me to side with her against my wife. Suffice to say, I'd never snake my wife like that, and it was a huge fucking insult to me even insinuating I ever would.

I should also point out that at no point in time has my wife ever been antagonistic over any of this. She's been entirely open to the possibility that she did something wrong, and has made it clear that if she did do something wrong, she's sorry.
My wife isn't a perfect person, nor does she claim to be some kind of moral arbiter of what's right and wrong, as since she is a woman, she as well as all other women, are lesser than that of a man, a fact I reminder her of daily. Meme's aside, I don't think she did anything wrong there, and if she did, she's tried to make up with my female relative to make things better, and my relative, along with her side of the family just haven't been receptive. They've said they missed ME to my parents, but there is no relationship with ME that doesn't include my wife, not in this context.

Cut to recently, this female relative moved to the same state as us for work, literally 45 mins away. This is notable since we live thousands of miles away from where I was born, in a completely random ass state that is not similar to where we're from at all. My wife recently getting more religious saw this as a sign to try and reconcile things, and we decided that once things get a bit more calm in our lives, we'd do that.

Well, sadly we didn't get that opportunity since a close relative to my female family member died, so my wife reached out to my female relative to offer her condolences, and after like 4 days of nothing, my female relative responded back with "I appreciate the condolences, but it really should have been @Irregardless who reached out".

IMO, batshit insane response.

My wife, still wanting to make things better, decides it's not worth getting upset about, and that she still wants to make things better if possible. So she asks me to do exactly what my relative said, and reach out.
I reached out, apologized for not speaking with her in so long, gave my condolences, let her know we missed her, and that if she wanted to reconnect, we'd be here.
It's been over a week with no response, and at this point I don't expect much.

That being said, even if I did, I'm pretty much ready to wash my hands of these people. My wife still has hope, and wants to make things better so that family get togethers aren't awkward, but personally, I'm too old, successful, and busy to be worrying about these fucking people who IMO if they were really worth having in my life, would respect my marriage and my wife.

 

[Billy Bob Dick]

I suspect I will go absolutely insane within a few months.

...how will we know the difference?

j/k
best of luck to you my friend

 

[GAY DEAD MUPPET GANGBANG]

Well, I saw my doc today. Wanted to thank all of y'all who have been pulling for me. Doc said the disease is now uncurable. The spots on my brain are resistant to platinum based chemotherapy which is why it's continued to grow. They're going to keep doing radiation therapy to slow the spots from progressing and taking away my motor functions, but doc says I have a 5% chance of long term survival (long term being 2+ years.) He said I realistically have a few months. Going to put in my two weeks on Monday so I can make a few trips to see friends and family. Already set up my will and life insurance payouts earlier this year just in case it came to this. He recommended I tell my family sooner rather than later, but I cannot even begin to figure out how to tell them I don't have a lot of time left.

I can't even imagine how this feels like. Take what time you have left to do what you need to do, or come back here and chill with us anytime.
I would never want to feel alone at a time like this.

 

[PetiteFeet]

Being outside walking a dog is a very good thing. Keep doing it.

It's one of the few things I've been consistently doing every day, 3-4 times a day, for the last ten years. Getting a dog was the best thing I ever did for my physical and mental health.

 

[Ewan McGregor]

Oh, yes, Meg. Yes-yes-yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not you years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces, or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Feel free to make light of my situation. Anyway if that paranoid suspicion of mine reaches fruition, you will get to have front seats amused by it. I have always wondered whether I would go into the full late-onset schizophrenia that comes in my family, or whether I would go into the other option my family seems to have of just being low-key crazy and drunk but living 80+ years anyway.

Even our schizos have been highly intelligent and accomplished things. My favorite just died at 91. I miss you so much.

Pull up, pull up!

Seriously, don't go getting all deterministic. Access your inner mulishness and anchor yourself, imaginary regarded acquaintance.

Well, I saw my doc today. Wanted to thank all of y'all who have been pulling for me. Doc said the disease is now uncurable. The spots on my brain are resistant to platinum based chemotherapy which is why it's continued to grow. They're going to keep doing radiation therapy to slow the spots from progressing and taking away my motor functions, but doc says I have a 5% chance of long term survival (long term being 2+ years.) He said I realistically have a few months. Going to put in my two weeks on Monday so I can make a few trips to see friends and family. Already set up my will and life insurance payouts earlier this year just in case it came to this. He recommended I tell my family sooner rather than later, but I cannot even begin to figure out how to tell them I don't have a lot of time left.

This is not what I was hoping to hear from you. I'm tremendously sorry to hear this, and I hope your visits with family are full of love.

...

A friend/coworker of mine was let go today, for cause. They told me why (or what they have surmised - one of those situations where the blade falls swiftly and the door slams shut). Hard to hear, and I will miss working together.

On the better side of the day, one of my kids has most of a day free of work for once this weekend (and no impending exams), and wants to spend it with me.

I also had an initial meeting with a mentor through the company mentor program. I'll be damned if the matching program (lol, corporate eHarmony) didn't do a great job. We seem similar in approach to or sense of things that give us energy or excitement, so I feel as though we speak a similar language in some ways, but his intensity is a somewhat different flavor than mine - of a kind that kind of inspires/ informs me. I'm pretty stoked.

 

[WASR96]

I'm so sorry for this news, you and your loved ones will be in my prayers.

You're allowed to be angry about this. You don't have to "be strong" and all that. Whatever feelings you have during this time, let yourself have them.

Thank you, it really means a lot to me. I don't really feel anything at the moment, just really empty and wishing I had more time to accomplish all the things I wanted to do. I've been kicking around the idea of going back to school to get my Master's. Trying not to look back and have any "what if's" since I know that won't help anything.

I can't even imagine how this feels like. Take what time you have left to do what you need to do, or come back here and chill with us anytime.
I would never want to feel alone at a time like this.

Thanks. It's strange, I sort of wish I had waited a bit longer to inform my immediate family. They're on their way over, but I wish I was alone for a bit longer to process this. I guess it's impossible to process this the same day and it'll probably hit me hard this weekend, but I don't feel anything at the moment. I think I went all the way through the "denial" stage in my doctor's office. I kept asking him basically the same question, just reworded and hoping for a different answer. Still haven't told my brother since he's already driving down to spend Thanksgiving with me. It's going to hurt the most to tell him. We're the closest in age out of the three of us, and we've always been really close. It's going to destroy him, and I feel worse for him and my family than I do for myself.

 

[Rome's rightful successor]

The past couple of days has been hard, my dad is in the hospital from a staph infection on the bottom of his left foot. Tomorrow he's going to take surgery to clean it all out. Best case scenario is that he'll be fine in a week, mid case scenario is that he'd be forced to loose a toe, and worst case scenario.... well. Anyway, wish him luck and pray for him.

An update: Just got my dad out of the hospital, he went through three different surgeries to get the staph infection out and on the third one he lost one of his toes, There is still a lot of pharma stuff to deal with in the aftermath but at least he's home.
Thank you all and thank The Good Lord Above.

 

[Nick Bockwinkel's Belt]

Being outside walking a dog is a very good thing. Keep doing it.

I've been outside with my dog every day for the past three months. And not just the kind of walking that fat women do where they slowly waddle while swinging their flabby arms and call it exercise. We do 15 minute miles. I'm walking about as fast as I can without breaking into a jog. My dog's a border collie, so we also spend about an hour a day at the dog park playing fetch so she gets plenty of exercise.

It's getting very disheartening, though. I'm trying. I really am. I've changed my diet, smaller portions, smaller bites, more chewing before swallowing. I've stopped drinking any sugary beverages. I bought myself a water pitcher and I've been drinking 1-2 liters of chilled water every day, and that's all I drink. Three months and the walks aren't getting any easier. My clothes aren't fitting any more loose. I'm not expecting a miracle, but I would've hoped by now there would be at least something noticeable.

I'm trying to find a job. Talked with a job search counselor, applied, trying to get additional job search help from the state. All those services purporting to want to help are useless. Every state service office is 100% staffed by black women who see a Caucasian guy walk in and immediately decide to put in zero effort.

It kinda sucks. Obese, middle aged, unemployed, alone except for my dog. I keep trying but I'm not expecting anything to happen.

 

[M3xus]

My knee has been in pain for a week now. Today I barely got through work. I will have to bite the bullet and call a doctor, and in the process admit I'm not young anymore.

 

[GAY DEAD MUPPET GANGBANG]

Tired and burnt out again. Why am I like this? A lot of recent events make a lot more sense now.

 

[AnOminous]

...how will we know the difference?

You honestly won't because I'm already utterly insane. Even if I go utterly apefuck irl I will probably act like I currently do here. It's just currently I'm able to pretend to be normal irl.

Still haven't told my brother since he's already driving down to spend Thanksgiving with me. It's going to hurt the most to tell him. We're the closest in age out of the three of us, and we've always been really close. It's going to destroy him, and I feel worse for him and my family than I do for myself.

I can definitely grasp that. I often feel absolutely nothing for things that affect myself directly, but then I'll be utterly upset about how it affects a cousin, or a friend, or even a cat. I still haven't been able to feel anything about the death of my own dad. It's like it's buried under something. But I've been in tears over the effect his death has had on my dad's friends.

I feel my imminent death myself even though, unlike you, I don't have a horrible diagnosis.

I can understand you feeling more for others than yourself. That just makes you a decent person.

I hope your doctors are wrong and you live a lot longer than you think you have.

 

[WASR96]

I can understand you feeling more for others than yourself. That just makes you a decent person.

Thank you, I try my best to be at least. I've never had much regard for my own safety and well being, though when that ends up backfiring, like now, I get angry with myself over how it's going to hurt my family and friends. I'm not even afraid of death, I'm afraid of how much stress this is going to put on my family. I hate the thought of my parents having to go to my funeral since the idea of parents burying their kids has always broke my heart. I'm just glad that I at least played my finances right so they won't have to pay for any of this.

I hope your doctors are wrong and you live a lot longer than you think you have.

I appreciate that. I'll still keep fighting until the end to at least have the hope of being in that 5%. At the very least, I hope I can tell when it's happening so I can go in beforehand. I'd rather they give me a dose of dilaudid that could put down a bull over having another seizure.

or even a cat

My dog is going to be pretty lost without me which is upsetting to think about. My cat? She'll most likely be indifferent, as long as she gets her temptations treats and scratched behind her ears, she's happy.

 

[Imp]

My knee has been in pain for a week now. Today I barely got through work. I will have to bite the bullet and call a doctor, and in the process admit I'm not young anymore.

I posted about being afraid that my 2x rebuilt knee was grinding to dust again. My surgeon reassured me yesterday that it’s firmly attached and stable. Apparently he went Norman Bates on my knee, carved and sliced to hell and back. He believes it’s significantly scarred and my connective tissues are insulted.

All that to say I feel you and it’s better (I think) to get an answer, even if it’s not the desired answer. Scar tissue > bone dust

Well, I saw my doc today. Wanted to thank all of y'all who have been pulling for me. Doc said the disease is now uncurable. The spots on my brain are resistant to platinum based chemotherapy which is why it's continued to grow. They're going to keep doing radiation therapy to slow the spots from progressing and taking away my motor functions, but doc says I have a 5% chance of long term survival (long term being 2+ years.) He said I realistically have a few months. Going to put in my two weeks on Monday so I can make a few trips to see friends and family. Already set up my will and life insurance payouts earlier this year just in case it came to this. He recommended I tell my family sooner rather than later, but I cannot even begin to figure out how to tell them I don't have a lot of time left.

I am so very sorry to hear this. If you would, please let us know how you are. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[Billy Bob Dick]

I've changed my diet, smaller portions, smaller bites, more chewing before swallowing. I've stopped drinking any sugary beverages

Try going high protein, and aim for .5g protein/# bodyweight, or more. Chicken and poultry specifically, and ultrafiltered 2% milk.

If you fill up on lean protein, your craving for carbs will diminish.

 

[Evil Whitey]

Having the worse time of my life so far

Struggled through adolescence constantly being told "You'll find your people at college!", "Get good grades so you can go to college and study what you want" led me to idolizing the university experience. Near the end of my first semester and I realized I've been lied to my entire life: all of my CS professors are Indian, hard to sleep at night due to the 'future scholar' in the dorm next to me playing rap music on speakers (I told him to quite it down and he did after a tense encounter, but it's just loud enough to permeate through my wall and I don't want to end up in an altercation by confronting him again), and the classes are just an extension of highschool.

Also my campus is 1/3rd White and it feels like peering into the future of America and it fucking sucks.

Everyone cheats, and I've found one(1) person in my CS program doing it out a love for computers and wanting to become a better programmer. I can't relate to anyone, they're all fucking retards and I don't give a fuck about sports or concerts. I had to help an Indian on a learner's visa (ELITE HUMAN CAPITAL) open a fucking folder on VSCode.

Meanwhile, the field I will go into is degrading day by day with tidal waves of both layoffs and more Indians

I got sick last weekend to the point where I couldn't leave my shitty dorm and just tried to sleep, waking up every ~2 hours in a sweat because of the fever, repeat for 16 hours. I get a call later that night that my grandfather died. This is my first major loss in my life and I'm not taking it well. My other grandparents are getting old too, and I genuinely have no idea if I can cope when they die in the next 5 years.

One of my Indian CS professors is in his first year of teaching and didn't excuse my absence when I was sick a few months earlier, and my other Indian CS professor gave me a zero on a quiz he acknowledged I was absent for with no possibility of retaking. He's also given me a zero on the latest quiz I missed while going to the funeral. This is awful for several reasons, chief of all that I desperately need to transfer to a different school.

Still fighting whatever infection I got, but it's on its way out. All that I have left to do is dread going back to college and wish I was born in 1945.

 

[Quijibo69]

Today was a good day:

Tomorrow not so much, going to a Friendsgiving.

 

[Banquet Meal]

I keep having panic attacks before I go to sleep and it’s keeping me up. I keep thinking my heart is going to stop in my sleep for some reason. I’ve already gotten my heart checked out and it’s fine, but just every ache and pain (from normal everyday shit) sends my head into overdrive.
I need to sleep dammit.

so i have this retardedly named issue called "exploding head syndrome"...for years, i honestly thought i was losing my mind, but doctors apparently think its your brain spazzing out right before you fall asleep...anyway, it causes you to hear loud noises as you drift off, which is terrifying, and then i end up with massive panic attacks..
what helped me tremendously was verapamil..its a blood pressure medication, but it also helps with that issue and mood stability. my life has been SO so much better since, and i highly recommend you ask your doctor about it immediately. its nothing major, it wont knock you out, you will just feel better/no panic attacks.

 

[Banquet Meal]

Spoiler: sad

i am doing terrible....my kid is sicker than ever, and his doctor wants to try a vagus nerve stimulator, because he is now having constant grand mal seizures...why? we have NO clue. hes had a corpus callosotomy to stop the drops, but now this is happening...it just sucks. hes losing control of his hands, he can barely hold his head up...we are reaching the point where we are out of options.
we knew this was going to happen, but i honestly thought neurology would catch up in time, but no. hes even sicker than he was a few months ago, somehow.

his doctor did want to try this medicine called fentepla, but then we found out i can cause heart attacks, and the risk is enough that it requires regular EKG's so we decide against it.

what guts me is that my youngest..he asked me the other day how he learned to walk and talk, when he was a baby, and i was like why? and he had gathered up all of his toys and other things, and said that he was going to teach his brother to walk and talk again somehow.
i dont think i ever felt as awful as i did then, except for when he asked santa to bring his brother new legs a while back..its all just so wrong. they should be playing together, and fighting, doing kid stuff...not this.

i seriously feel so much guilt over this, because wtf. i dont even know what the hell do say about anything anymore. ive never been in this situation, and it just keeps getting worse and worse, and idk what to do, except watch it happen. my poor husband is in some weird state of denial and shock, so not much communication going on, but i absolutely get needing space to deal with this situation, because it fucking sucks.

we are signing the damn DNR next week, and i feel like a traitor, but i know its the right thing to do at this point.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

Well, I saw my doc today. Wanted to thank all of y'all who have been pulling for me. Doc said the disease is now uncurable. The spots on my brain are resistant to platinum based chemotherapy which is why it's continued to grow. They're going to keep doing radiation therapy to slow the spots from progressing and taking away my motor functions, but doc says I have a 5% chance of long term survival (long term being 2+ years.) He said I realistically have a few months. Going to put in my two weeks on Monday so I can make a few trips to see friends and family. Already set up my will and life insurance payouts earlier this year just in case it came to this. He recommended I tell my family sooner rather than later, but I cannot even begin to figure out how to tell them I don't have a lot of time left.

You've put a hell of a fight. Thank you for that.