How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Chiang Kai-shek said:
I’m just tired of everything man. I’m tired of incels, tired of jew noticers, tired of ads, tired of politics, tired of all these gambling apps, tired of how corporatized everything is. The list goes on. Obviously there isn’t much I can do so maybe that’s why I’m fixated on this stuff? A wise man once said “It don’t matter. None of this matters.” I have trouble reminding myself of that fact. Maybe I like making myself miserable? It could be worse I suppose.
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I get it. Everything negative gets eyes glued to it, so more people spew horrid things.
supremeautismo said:
I'm drunk and suicidal rn.
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Why are you suicidal?
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I'll pray for you @WASR96 and @Banquet Meal. I wish I could do more for the both of you
 
Otterly said:
so LG can be caused by about 50 different genes. Possibly even more but those are the ones we know of.
The goal of rna therapy is to cure very close to genetic source. So say you’ve got a mutation, that mutation is on a gene. The gene ‘works’ by reading off a little transcript of rna, which gets fed, like a punchcard tape, into a protein machine that makes the protein. RNA therapy aims to hit that bit of punchcard tape. Let’s say there’s a spelling error in the middle and it creates a duff protein - well you can design an rna that binds to it and send it to be chewed up. Now the ok copy of the gene is the only one sending transcripts to turn into protein.
There are only a couple of mutations so far that have had specific therapies made. I think scn2a is one. If you dont know the underlying mutation then it’s not an option.

There are other trial option. two trials open in Sf (I have no idea where you are, dont dox yourself ) for example, https://clinicaltrials.ucsf.edu/lennox-gastaut-syndrome
They also have other locations. One looks like some of brain stimulation stuff and the other is drugs.
If you search on this site you’ll see everything - important to note that a lot of trials don’t aim at all to be curative. They may just be looking at disease progression or equivalent treatments. It’s worth asking your doctors if there is anything open you feel your son might benefit from. And there may not be. It’s not something I think we will have a cure for soon (I think the rna stuff is promising, but the wheels grind slowly…)
You are already doing the most important thing which is being there with him and loving him. At the end of the day, that is what matters.
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the most FUCKED up shit about this whole thing? all of his genetic testing up until last year has been normal....pre-disabled kid, i thought these tests were a foolproof way of narrowing down what the hell is going on, but not even. its cheap now, but several years ago, i even managed to get him free full exome sequencing via outright persuasion as i like to call it, and they tested us all....not a damn thing. i wish they could find even one tiny thing amiss here.
i wish i were smarter and that i myself could understand neurology or anything really so i could do something other than sit on my hands. :(
thank you for those links though, im gonna check them out and see whats up.
 
In the market to finally buy a home, and have a place to call my own again. And man, the market is disgustingly bad. I don't need anything huge or super nice, just something simple. Even a decent double wide would work for me, I don't need anything special. But even looking for those kinds of homes, it's slim pickings for anything that isn't priced to sit on the market for a year. Really deflates a person seeing that, and knowing I may be renting for life is a let down.
 
I did everything I was supposed to do, I went to university, got a master's degree, all that.

My job history is a fucking joke; all the supposed highly paid jobs were undercut by infinite immigration. All the other jobs are also undercut by infinite immigration. All the jobs that still pay well are restricted, some of them to... infinite immigration. A brownoid illiterate monkey has more of a chance to become a CEO than I do, not that I want though, cuz it's a shitty job which only differs from my shitty jobs in that they get to buy a house they are never at.

Meeting people, let alone getting married and having children, is a fantasy. Infinite immigration, in coalition with the megarich, has made owning a piece of this world impossible.

I am reduced to just wanting very simple things, extremely simple things. And that, not even that I'm allowed to. I don't remember the last time I read a book or watched a movie that I liked and was not old as fuck.

There's virtually no way of making money. Working conditions seem like indentured servitude. Everything is soul-crushing and demoralising.

I'm fucking angry. I was scammed. I was purposefully scammed. I was rendered a fool by design.

I'm a fucking nigger. Worse, I'm worse than a nigger, because a nigger can present himself at any office talking like a raging baboon with that silly cloth in their skulls and the most preposterous clothes around, put his foot on the table and eat cornstarch for hours and he will get away with it. I gotta wear a fucking suit, and do shit constantly, without eating sometimes, and it will never be enough.

And I don't see anything changing anytime soon. I don't like Trump, he's a fucking retard and I only supported him because the alternative was fucking Kamala Harris. And I see all the fucking retards buying the libertarian/conservative package when it's all lies. They're all liars. The Farages and the Mileis and the Melonis and the Orbans are fucking frauds, all of them. They'll kick some useless immigrants but they'll slide in their model immigrants, probably pajeets. They only stand a chance because they're opposite to total fucking retards, and sometimes they can't even against total fucking retards.

And I remember saying, OK, fuck King Pajeet and let Starmer in, if we're having fake let's get the real thing. But it turned to be so much fucking worse that conservatives are decent in comparation. That a fucking pajeet seems decent in comparison. How sad is that?

I hate everyone. I deride the fabled pendulum. I am done with conservatism, with libertarians and with liberals. I hope you all die.
 
Ewan McGregor said:
I did everything I was supposed to do
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I've discovered that I have PMDD. I've been going to therapy for almost a year now, I've been doing much better mentally, but part one of the reasons I've had so many issues is because of this condition. I didn't even think it was actually real until I did the research. It's even in the DSM-5 which is funny because I used to think PMDD was some bullshit disorder that women used to get out of shit. I didn’t take my own problems seriously and mistook that for not having any so I never cared about anyone else's. A lot of autistic women have it and I know I already have that, so I guess I'll check another box on the list of shit wrong with me. Who knows how long I've had it and just thought it was normal.

Tldr for those who don't know about it, PMDD is like if normal PMS was hit by nuke and also had rabies. It turns you into the worst version of yourself and you feel like a monster for the rest of the month afterwards. For a week your brain goes from normal to "Kill everyone and maybe might just do it," and I feel like I have no empathy whatsoever during that time. I've been taking care of myself, and I've been making some progress. Therapy is genuinely helping at least.
 
I got a tight chest though not sure whether it's the bitches at work or my deadlines, both of a feasibly tiny importance and something I'll get through, but it sucks having to feel this way. It needs a big blow-out where I go "you can correct me however you want, just don't make it needlessly personal".

I'm absurdly paranoid about getting fired and every little slight just feels like another nail when it probably means fuck all. People leave this position within a year so I'm sure they'd prefer I stay. Like, they'll wait for me to finish reporting and instead of going "you forgot X", they'll stare at me and go "DONE?..... OKAY SO HE FORGOT-". Fucking women.

Oh, and kitty is going to the vet. Hope it's no biggie. I'd kms fortnite balls if she's dying anytime soon.
 
Flying bc I talked to my mom and one of my kids (who has a new paramour but was unable to give me details atm, crucifying me bc I CAN'T STAND not knowing stuff). Time for Sunday chores and work-work ahead of Monday, then a movie with another of my kids. Basic standard days can be so awesome.
 
Rough day. Obviously didn't tell my middle brother on Friday night since he spent the whole day traveling, and I wasn't going to drop that bomb on him late at night. Didn't tell him yesterday either since I got him, my youngest brother and my Dad tickets to go down to Austin and watch the UT game so I wanted him to enjoy his day. Told him today and he was quiet for awhile. "How long have you known?" was the only thing he asked before he went outside for a while. I don't plan to tell any extended family during Thanksgiving since I don't have the energy to keep a filter on around them anymore. One of them works a front desk type job at a doctor's office, but she acts like she knows everything when it comes to medical. She's already tried to tell me before how my doctors are doing everything wrong. My primary Oncologist went to one of the top schools in the nation, and the neuro radiologist who read my MRI has been doing this shit for 25+ years. I tend to believe what they say over someone who sends out appointment reminders, and I can't put up with listening to that stupid shit anymore. Her whole side of the family can be aware when I'm already six feet under.
 
I may or may not be an autist, but I feel miserable because I've had people not take what I say seriously twice now leading to really awkward situations. Doesn't help that winter is here, and it makes me more miserable for some reason. To add even more, I'm possibly going back to the hospital to treat the illnesses I have, which could mean I'm back on antibiotics again.

As for anything lolcow related, I only have 2 that I'm interested in but they aren't doing much. I wish I could make a thread about them, but I feel unmotivated to do so.
 
Slav Power said:
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Well, if you watched this movie closely, D-fense turned out to be everything he denied he was i.e. abuser and a psycho.

WASR96 said:
My primary Oncologist went to one of the top schools in the nation, and the neuro radiologist who read my MRI has been doing this shit for 25+ years.
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I'd say that I'd prefer them to be wrong on this one.

You know, all this stuff got me into realization - if something happens I don't even have anyone to take care of my cat. Fuck, I don't even have anyone left who would bury me. Maybe I should work on sorting this out now.
 
It's funny how fragile my resilience is, or rather lack of resilience. My Wednesday-Saturday went swimmingly, all things considered, then wham, Sunday decides "no, today is an off day and you deserve to feel bad over nothing."
Barely slept, falling asleep around 5-6am and my alarm was set to go off around 8:30 because I had a doctor's appointment. Wake up to my alarm, groggy and sleepy, only to see a text notification and of course, the psych nurse I see every so often to keep track of my medicine and my mental stability is sick. Again. She is so packed up with patients that her next free time is on December 23. I was supposed to see her and talk with her about what to do next, because my feeble attempts at not drowning and actually improving my life haven't paid off, I just feel exhausted both mentally and physically. Hopeful that she would be able to get me referred to the psych ward, maybe they could help me beyond my once-a-month psychologist appointment and my twice-a-week tard wrangler visits.
Now I get to sit with a feeling that has become much more common, almost a part of my personality and my memories, that I am the black sheep of my family and always have been.
I know it's just my disorder talking, that these feelings are lies spun up by disordered thinking, but any time I have a minor setback it feels as if I'm falling farther than ever (which also isn't true in any way, shape or form).

I need to talk to my psychologist and get some more meditation and hypno therapy, I am not able to ground myself on my own.

At least my dog is being super insisting on me petting and snuggling with her.
We don't deserve pets.
 
estacks said:
I'm with you and I'm with the person you quoted. Our society is dying, and this particular death is uniquely heart rending compared to the despair of previous collapses. I'd rather live with the Black Death than this horror show, because at least that plague didn't attack the very human soul. Every hobby I've ever enjoyed, every community I've ever participated in, and every person I've ever loved has been systematically ruined by the culture war mind virus rot. I've fought relentlessly against the rot in every space I've been a part of for over 20 years and my fury and mental energy have almost run dry. At this point I have to take literal blue pills to suppress the overwhelming urge to die every waking second because death would be less painful than this shit, but I have too many people I'd hurt to give into the urge.

I think it's important to not fall to self-loathing or self-blame. It's not our fault, and there's nothing we could have ever done to combat the situation against vampiric psycho fucks with nuclear weapons and cognitive behavior brainwashing models made before we were ever born. I'm not going to virtue signal by telling you you're not allowed to be blackpilled or that you need to grindset bootstrap yourself into mindlessly plodding forward as the world falls apart. Going innawoods and shutting it all off and not letting the plague touch you is one of the better options. For me, it's an act of rebellion to keep my agency and mind in a society dedicated to sterilizing them out of existence. The absolute demons responsible for this ruin may have the weapons and a dystopian surveillance state, but the infrastructure they rely on to wreck this bleak oppression is fundamentally very fragile and the table could flip in a matter of weeks. I don't think they'll be on top of things in 50 years.
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Sorry for the late reply,you practically said everything I wanted to say.It’s not even about “growing up” or becoming an adult anymore. Things in general are completely fucked right now.
Even now it’s still hard for me to accept the decline. I was in the mentality that I could just draw a circle around me and stay in it forever, and nothing would ever happen to me. It was a childish mindset.
In the end all I can do is self pitying and self loathing,at least it’s better than getting tranny pilled.Plus I know people who are younger than me that are doing way worse. They're probably one moment away from offing themselves.

I'm just relieved most people here can agree that the world is in absolute shambles currently and I'm not hallucinating.
 
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My granddad is on his death bed and we haven’t been on speaking terms for almost a decade. I wrote a letter to him about many fond memories and how I’ve been doing the past few years. He also lives in another country so it’s not easy to just go visit. Praise god
 
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