How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Rick The Stick said:
My best friend passed in July, and I can't fuckin move on. I'm reliving his funeral mentally every single day. And I feel guilty for being so torn up over it because like, who the fuck can I talk to about it that won't also be dealing with his loss too? I don't wanna dump my shit on someone else. That's just selfish. Idk. Maybe that's just a massive fucking cope.
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You are stuck in your grieving process. It will alleviate naturally over time, but if it is pushing you into crisis/lethargy/actually depression vs sad over loss you can and should find a grief counselor. When it comes to expelling grief, I've always heard that you should choose the gender you feel safe being vulnerable around, as it is essentially emotional bloodletting.
 
I'm doing very well.
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Docs straight up cut me off of all my narcotics and I'm not having a good time. Puked my guts up last night. Have a horrible taste in my mouth I can't get rid of and a horrible headache. I thought they were supposed to lower the dosage and help ween me off. Pain is still there too. Rather than the normal pins and needles pain that comes from neuropathy from chemo, my feet now feel like I tried to do a half marathon barefoot through gravel. I still have an unopened bottle of 5mg oxy+acetaminophen from my surgery I never used, but I'm only going to punch into that if I get any worse throughout the day.
 
WASR96 said:
Docs straight up cut me off of all my narcotics and I'm not having a good time. Puked my guts up last night. Have a horrible taste in my mouth I can't get rid of and a horrible headache. I thought they were supposed to lower the dosage and help ween me off. Pain is still there too. Rather than the normal pins and needles pain that comes from neuropathy from chemo, my feet now feel like I tried to do a half marathon barefoot through gravel. I still have an unopened bottle of 5mg oxy+acetaminophen from my surgery I never used, but I'm only going to punch into that if I get any worse throughout the day.
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What reason did they give for not weening you off, or did they even and just wrote it in the order to cut you off?
 
Dizzyuntildeath said:
What reason did they give for not weening you off, or did they even and just wrote it in the order to cut you off?
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No reason given. My current care team has a "too many chefs in the kitchen" problem, so I'm sure another doc will see my question on my patient portal for why it was stopped and put in for a refill. It's tiring.
 
WASR96 said:
No reason given. My current care team has a "too many chefs in the kitchen" problem, so I'm sure another doc will see my question on my patient portal for why it was stopped and put in for a refill. It's tiring.
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Medical bureaucratic bullshit. What a fucking blight.
 
Dizzyuntildeath said:
Medical bureaucratic bullshit. What a fucking blight.
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It's started to piss me off and the rest of the staff has been able to tell. They called to schedule my weekly outpatient visit for next week and asked "who is your Oncologist?" And I could only respond with "I have no idea. There's three of them in the giant gaggle of docs you send to see me after I've been sitting there for two and a half hours, it's one of them probably." I have no idea who half of them are or why they're following my case. I do know I'm getting sick of being told to show up at 8am and nobody talking to me until around 10:30.
 
I went from having no friends to being socially burned out from too many friends.
this is not a plot twist i saw developing in my life at all.
but i'm in a much better place than the last time I posted in here.
 
WASR96 said:
It's started to piss me off and the rest of the staff has been able to tell. They called to schedule my weekly outpatient visit for next week and asked "who is your Oncologist?" And I could only respond with "I have no idea. There's three of them in the giant gaggle of docs you send to see me after I've been sitting there for two and a half hours, it's one of them probably." I have no idea who half of them are or why they're following my case. I do know I'm getting sick of being told to show up at 8am and nobody talking to me until around 10:30.
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Human suffering is a byproduct of this exact type of bureaucratic bloat. Doctors giving contradicting orders. Nurses having no clue who is your overseeing physician. Once you are convalescing, I'd consider having a very terse discussion with the hospital administrator about this bullshit, because for every absent minded penstroke a doctor makes translates directly into agony for you.
 
Realized an old friend has been looking for me and somehow managed to find and subscribe to my youtube that has no videos, let alone personal info on it. I'm extrapolating on the "looking for me" part since if I ever did tell him my youtube channel, it was 2+ years ago which means he had to have dug through messages in an attempt to find any way to contact me. The separation was pretty unceremonious, I just had too many things going on to reply and changed my number without remembering to tell him and once I did remember, decided not to since I was not feeling up to talk to anyone.

I go AWOL and DFE occasionally, always go private, turn off DMs, friend requests, comments etc, very lurkmoar fag. I do not like being easily found and reached so essentially he has had no other way of finding me beyond a dead number and old messages linking to likely deleted accounts. I do have his number written down somewhere. I'm not sure I want to contact him since I am mentally and physically in the gutter and have a difficult time keeping up conversations but I hate thinking he's been texting me all this time to no response after telling him I was dealing with some pretty severe issues. Maybe just to tell him I'm alright with no elaboration. I'd feel bad doing that though. Not entirely sure how to go about this.
 
Mandy Stroyer said:
I hate thinking he's been texting me all this time to no response after telling him I was dealing with some pretty severe issues. Maybe just to tell him I'm alright with no elaboration. I'd feel bad doing that though. Not entirely sure how to go about this.
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I've had some internet friends go AWOL before, but fortunately it's only been a few months at most. It does suck when someone you think of as a friend disappears and you don't know if they're alive anymore, so I think letting him know you're alright is a good call.
 
Better, I guess... but after I almost did something really bad today.

I'm a creature of passion, I love talking, meeting, doing, and I absolute hate stagnation and patience. I'm frantic, loud, hectic; ironically timid by nature to balance out this drive, with a fierce temper and sex drive underneath. To sum it up, when I lose myself and I'm extremely prone to outbursts of either wrath or lust; I either get very very angry when I'm dealing with issues, or really really horny.

My relationship with my longterm girlfriend has been on the rocks for like two weeks; we've barely talked (which is unheard of for us after almost 5 straight years) and while she said she was just burnt out (not from me, but the relationship as it was), she doesn't hate me, she just need time off. And honestly, I was so stressed out everyday too, I wasn't making it even better.
I've ruined relationships before and driven people away from my...intensity, I guess? I feel demanding to the introverts I tend to attract and be attracted to, I guess.

Every one of my friends has told me to work on myself, she's still there loosely (we just haven't talked, but she pops in on chats to respond to messages with ratings, kinda like KF) and that was hard to start.
I feel like I'm very codependent of a personality and I have always been like this. Lacking self confidence, I always feel like I need HELP from someone and I don't like being alone.

Well, my anger has been diminished a lot from my going to church... so that means my other vice has been itching at me like the Beast of Darkness from the series Berserk or something.
I've been looking at so many women when I'm out, desperately considering going to some... skeevy places... just to feel something. Get a taste. I'm so freaking lonely.

She's still there, but I also just feel like I need a release.

One girl that I have no relationship prospects with, but have been with, showed up randomly and upon seeing how distress I was, offered herself up to me; there it was. God, you have no idea how hard that was. I said I couldn't but kept thinking about it for days and days.

I couldn't cry at all yesterday after weeks of doing it and I was considering it more than ever. She didn't answer though; maybe it's for the best. Maybe that's someone telling me not to do it, I don't know.

I decided to watch one of the many videos I have of my girlfriend and then I just completely broke out into tears. The damn fully flooded again. All the time I've spent with her, everything I know about her, what we have, come on, man, what was I doing? I don't want this. I'd make myself feel 100x worse if I did that and how could I face her again when I do eventually hear back?
I'm not saying it's totally gone now, but the drive just vanished and I realized how much I needed this at the same time. Get my priorities in order, get past the codependency and be more with myself. If I can't be that without her, I can never be with her.

I don't know if things can ever fully go back or resume, but I'll always have the most amazing friend still. That's not alone.
And I'd much rather meet another girl if it comes to that through a solid connection and friendship just like with her, than... through the physical alone. That's nothing. You wake up as soon as it's over and you can't undo it.
It's not like I haven't been through this thing before; I got through it then better than before, and can again.

It just reminded me of this scene:

I feel ready to just work hard on my own, hang out, meet more people, and go from there. Gotta hit the bottom before you can get back up, I guess.
 
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Jace on ice said:
I accidentally merged my soyjack folder with my porn folder so now it's a real crapshoot whether I laugh or get hard.
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I find it super concerning just how many people took this at face value and not a shitpost that I completely made up for humor's sake.

God damn is the internet ever dead.
 
Jace on ice said:
I find it super concerning just how many people took this at face value and not a shitpost that I completely made up for humor's sake.

God damn is the internet ever dead.
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This is a site about weird people who did, and documented, even less believable things, and many users are autistic and desensitised. When there exist post-op troons, do you think a minuscule act of coom is that hard to believe?
 
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