How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Feeling Christmas-y despite it being only early November. Had shit to do in the city early today and watched the Christmas markets being set up. Can't wait to go this year, flaked on the tradition and on my friends like a total cunt last year, first year i didn't go in as long as i can remember. Or scratch that, i also missed it the year Amri parked his Truck of Peace in the one market i usually go to, that was probably for the better. I remember getting concerned call after concerned call that evening because i told people i was going, that was crazy.

Got a date for my coaching to start, 1st of December at 2PM, sounds very cushy. As expected, won't interfere with my job but that job will be over mid-Dec. anyways, i'm somehow looking forward to becoming a bona fide dole mole again. God knows why, it's not like i got a ton of stuff to do that got neglected due to work.

It's going so-so for the month of sobriety i planned, so far i had two beers total, on two different evenings but i just bought a bottle of Gin and am about to get fucked up on G&T's once again. It's a decent brand, brewed in my city and i heard it has got a good reputation, then again it's hard to produce bad Gin.
 
Slav Power said:
Can't sleep, stuck in my own thoughts and feeling the usual hatred. Hatred towards myself. That no matter how much I hate my current position in life I don't have it in me to change anything about it and defaulting to inaction, fueling hatred towards myself even more. That this hatred never pushes me to act so it's just endless self-pity.
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Been feeling this way sometimes too.I feel powerless against the current tide and there’s nothing I can do cause I'm just a reserved nerd who rarely socializes outside the internet. The last half decade of moral shaming from people on the left didn’t help me avoid getting blackpilled either.
I hate I’m in the situation I’m in because of my own mistakes and the harsh world we currently lived in.
 
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Yellow Rose Of Texas said:
Been feeling this way sometimes too.I feel powerless against the current tide and there’s nothing I can do cause I'm just a reserved nerd who rarely socializes outside the internet. The last half decade of moral shaming from people on the left didn’t help me avoid getting blackpilled either.
I hate I’m in the situation I’m in because of my own mistakes and the harsh world we currently lived in.
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You can't be negatively distracted by whatever is your perception of "the current tide."

I understand it's hard to hear or see things that seem to criticize. But letting it blackpill you is just not helping. And mistakes are part of life, so give yourself a little grace and keep pushing (or start). But the "harsh world" has always been there, so whether it's better, worse, or even with the actual or imagined past, it matters not. This is the world you've got.
 
My best friend passed in July, and I can't fuckin move on. I'm reliving his funeral mentally every single day. And I feel guilty for being so torn up over it because like, who the fuck can I talk to about it that won't also be dealing with his loss too? I don't wanna dump my shit on someone else. That's just selfish. Idk. Maybe that's just a massive fucking cope.
 
Finally had the courage to hit the gym for the first time.

Baby steps and shit but I honestly am doing better mentally and emotionally than I have been in a decade so I want to focus on being the best me I can be.
 
Rick The Stick said:
My best friend passed in July, and I can't fuckin move on. I'm reliving his funeral mentally every single day. And I feel guilty for being so torn up over it because like, who the fuck can I talk to about it that won't also be dealing with his loss too? I don't wanna dump my shit on someone else. That's just selfish. Idk. Maybe that's just a massive fucking cope.
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He was your best friend. The next best thing to blood you can get. Moving on is going to be hard and it's going to be a long road. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and the metaphorical journey won't seem so intimidating.

I lost my beloved grandma last year. The weeks after her funeral were the hardest I've ever gone through. Talking with my cousins and my siblings helped all of us get through it, because it let us share the burden. I don't think your other friends that lost him would begrudge sharing the burden with you.
 
I am in enough agony for it to be difficult to distract myself from it, but not enough pain to let my adrenaline flow and take it all away.

Feels fucking terrible, man.
 
ADN_VIII said:
He was your best friend. The next best thing to blood you can get. Moving on is going to be hard and it's going to be a long road.
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It is like that and it may very well be that you never come to grips with it, which i think is alright, too. I think i mentioned it once before ITT but my younger cousin, who was like a brother to me, died suddenly (complications from epilepsy) about 10 years ago and i am still not even close in comprehending that he's gone, i think of him almost daily and it breaks my heart every time. Had his whole life in front of him, as cliche as that sounds, and then he's just gone. His funeral is still the worst day in my life, and God knows my life has been full of bad days so far. The only solace i have is that i can talk about him with one of my other cousins, his older brother, who is the person i am closest to from all the people i know. Sorry for hijacking that post with my own bullshit.
 
Slav Power said:
Can't sleep, stuck in my own thoughts and feeling the usual hatred. Hatred towards myself. That no matter how much I hate my current position in life I don't have it in me to change anything about it and defaulting to inaction, fueling hatred towards myself even more. That this hatred never pushes me to act so it's just endless self-pity. That whenever I dare to open up about this I just waste people's time since I never take the advice people give me. That I'm nothing but a liability to everyone, online and in real life. I hate myself more than anything else in the world.
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Otherwise known as The Polish Grindset.

My advice - what worked for me (also Slav) - is to find a man either alive or from history, that you genuinely look up to and admire and can say 'he is smarter than me and someone I want to imitate', and to then let that man's words over-ride your own thoughts. It should be a man of your own ethnicity or close to it, because they have/had the same hardware that you operate on - which is way more important than I use to think. It doesn't have to be a perfect man, he just needs to be like you but managed to succeed in ways you want to succeed.

If the man is dead it gives some stability; he is not going to disappoint you because his story is already over.
If the man is alive, it gives some credibility; you can't say 'such a thing isn't possible in my time' because he is there, alive, doing it.

If you have trouble finding such a man, it's not because he doesn't exist, it is because you don't want to find him. So you will have to take that leap of faith that you are wrong about your outlook of the world.
 
I'm exhausted, but in a mental way. I've been out and about as usual and still feeling very sad, yet for some reason, I can no longer cry. I want to, but it just never happens. Maybe I'm tapped out, getting used to this feeling, or not even drank enough water or something. I don't know.

I want to be optimistic about a lot of things, yet I also don't feel much of anything today either. I am managing to get more into hobbies and am enjoying that... but I feel sort of on auto-pilot or numb, I guess.
 
I’m alright I guess. Went to the SMART Meeting I mentioned earlier; which being a non-social person part of my brain was nudging me with a “just 2-4 shots would probably make this more comfortable” notion.

Hoping everyone that’s nihilistic and down here can see some light to their struggles.
 
EzRolling said:
I’m alright I guess. Went to the SMART Meeting I mentioned earlier; which being a non-social person part of my brain was nudging me with a “just 2-4 shots would probably make this more comfortable” notion.

Hoping everyone that’s nihilistic and down here can see some light to their struggles.
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How was it? Feel like it could work for you? Only times i've been to an AA style group was when i was inpatient and it was mandated i go, which always tainted the experience. I am thinking (really only very vaguely) about looking for a NA group, just hit my one year of being off of hard drugs earlier this months and i just feel the falling-off-the-wagon creeping on me, already started consorting with the "wrong" people again because i am retarded. The one year marker always fucks with me somehow.
 
One of my siblings is a colossal fuck up and managed to get himself kicked out of the homeless shelter he was living in for (presumably) picking a fight with another dude who was there.
My sister is super upset because she thinks it’s *our* responsibility to take him in. This is the fourth place he’s been kicked out of (one of those places being her house) in less than 2 years because he either picks fights or refuses to keep a steady job to pay rent or buy himself food
We’re pretty sure he has mild undiagnosed autism and my mom did fuck up by not teaching him how to be an adult, but he’s almost 30 fucking years old.
I’m just exhausted at this point and considering going no contact to have some sanity and peace to spare during the holidays

It would be different if he was just down on his luck and needed time to save up money for a place but he has done this so many times now it’s like the movie Groundhog Day.
I’m tired boss.
 
The Feline Solution 2 said:
How was it? Feel like it could work for you? Only times i've been to an AA style group was when i was inpatient and it was mandated i go, which always tainted the experience. I am thinking (really only very vaguely) about looking for a NA group, just hit my one year of being off of hard drugs earlier this months and i just feel the falling-off-the-wagon creeping on me, already started consorting with the "wrong" people again because i am retarded. The one year marker always fucks with me somehow.
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Definitely seems like a YMMV kind of thing depending on where you are. There was only three people total (including myself this time around). I’m told there are a few other people that show up from time to time but it is a small group.

I would recommend it honestly if you are feeling that way. I looked at it as “It cost me nothing and worse case scenario I spent two hours including travel”; where falling into old habits will actually have costs/consequences. My detox was brutal; blood pressure near stroke levels, hard shaking, and intense auditory hallucinations. Honestly hallucinations were more real during withdrawal than any shroom or nitrous trip.

I was the youngest by like 20 years but the broad strokes of my situation lined up enough to not feel that out of place. If I wanted to be a jaded cynical asshole I could nitpick ways “I’m different” but honestly that does nothing good.

So I hope you give it a consideration. Worst case you find another meeting or you just lost the amount of time you’d lose watching a bad movie.
 
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The bad news: I just got fired.

The good news: I was unhappy and burned out there. My main source of stress is gone. My life is my own again.
 
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