How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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I have like 20 electrodes attached to my head and they have to stay there for 5 days. I can't shower or exercise or really leave the house, so I'm basically an anime avatar. I'm supposed to be having a seziure for the EEG to catch but it's not happening and it's frustrating the hell out of me. How ironic.
 
That includes trying to be around healthy and productive people because that gives me reason to fit in and be healthy and productive myself. As opposed to be people who will talk about problems and issues all the time.
The best and most productive job I've ever had was the one that paid me the least (it's why I'm not still doing it) was the one where everyone pulled weight, everyone put in effort, everyone helped each other out, and, it held onto the notion that the team was the family (I know, I know, but thing is, the business was started by a husband and wife couple, and the husband's bestie, and everyone treated the business like family was important - yes, the business had set hours, but if you had a kid and the kid needed picking up from school, you pick up the kid and move on with the day).

My output was quantifiable - one of my coworkers observed that I was closing more tickets in four days than other people were doing in five (because, being a supportive family business, they allowed me to work only four days a week so I could go back to school).

One of the big answers is clear here, and that is: I need to get out of the business I'm in. It's beaten the shit out of me.
 
The best and most productive job I've ever had was the one that paid me the least (it's why I'm not still doing it) was the one where everyone pulled weight, everyone put in effort, everyone helped each other out, and, it held onto the notion that the team was the family (I know, I know, but thing is, the business was started by a husband and wife couple, and the husband's bestie, and everyone treated the business like family was important - yes, the business had set hours, but if you had a kid and the kid needed picking up from school, you pick up the kid and move on with the day).

My output was quantifiable - one of my coworkers observed that I was closing more tickets in four days than other people were doing in five (because, being a supportive family business, they allowed me to work only four days a week so I could go back to school).

One of the big answers is clear here, and that is: I need to get out of the business I'm in. It's beaten the shit out of me.
I can relate. A big part of our mental health is who we surround ourselves with. Surround ourselves with the mentally unwell or the dishonest or cruel, it can bring us down. Good luck on changing the work environment. And I hope it helps with whatever you're going through personally.
 
finally put my foot down, felt like a massive bitch, but i did it. i've had enough of my mother's constant self sabotaging and how it impacts me. i have less than 2 weeks to move everything out the house and into temporary accom that she hasn't even confirmed if we have or not whilst she waits for someone at the council to do her job for her. mr naptime is furious on my behalf if anything and has been nothing but a rock and a support to me, and has constantly been in my corner. i'm embarrassed to have her as a mother.

i'm looking into contingencies with my uni and trying to get into housing. i'm not ever going to allow her to do this to me again. if i can help it i'm considering no contact. i don't care if i have to work breakneck with my degree. once i get my undergrad i am out of here, out of this bloody fucking country if i can help it. monday is going to be hell. i need to sort so much and hit the ground running.

i'm done and at the end of my rope and i'm considering [jokingly] asking if my doctor will perscribe me some fucking valium at this rate. i'm sick of being the mother to my own fucking parent.
 
Approximately 13 miles walk this morning. Three years after the illness that has almost killed me a couple of times really socked me over, I'm getting endurance back. I maybe slow, but I'm tough!
 
I have like 20 electrodes attached to my head and they have to stay there for 5 days. I can't shower or exercise or really leave the house, so I'm basically an anime avatar. I'm supposed to be having a seziure for the EEG to catch but it's not happening and it's frustrating the hell out of me. How ironic.
I feel your pain. I'm home until Thursday, but my immune system is nonexistent so I'm not allowed to even go anywhere. I'll have to redo every vaccine since childhood as well after this 2nd round since it wipes everything out to the point that I'm considered to have no prior immunity, so that's going to be annoying. I wish you luck and hope your docs can figure this thing out.
 
No amount of time or medication or therapy or faith or introspection or even spite has lessened the feeling that I’ve gotten everything out of life that I can get, and I’m just tired and want it to stop. Every year I get a little lonelier and a little less interested in trying to fix it all. Most days I feel ready to go. Limping through life gets old. I kind of want to volunteer or something so I can be useful to others if I care so little, but people mostly get on my nerves these days so there’s not much solace there. I’m honestly frustrated that I haven’t had some kind of fatal accident and I’ll probably have to do this shit myself. Ironically, writing a note and taking care of my shit and driving out to the bridge or getting a gun feels like a lot of effort. So I guess I’ll just go to work tomorrow. Fuck.
 
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No amount of time or medication or therapy or faith or introspection or even spite has lessened the feeling that I’ve gotten everything out of life that I can get, and I’m just tired and want it to stop. Every year I get a little lonelier and a little less interested in trying to fix it all. Most days I feel ready to go. Limping through life gets old. I kind of want to volunteer or something so I can be useful to others if I care so little, but people mostly get on my nerves these days so there’s not much solace there. I’m honestly frustrated that I haven’t had some kind of fatal accident and I’ll probably have to do this shit myself. Ironically, writing a note and taking care of my shit and driving out to the bridge or getting a gun feels like a lot of effort. So I guess I’ll just go to work tomorrow. Fuck.
Volunteer with animals? Or some kind of gardening/ cleanup/ de-weeding/de-invasive plant thing? Minimal interaction with people with those.

And tbh even going to some place where you pack food or sort clothes or...do almost anything, really, you can go a whole shift and not have much interaction with anyone.

Doesn't fix all that ails you, but since you mentioned volunteering, thought I'd throw out a few minimal interaction but hands-on options.
 
No amount of time or medication or therapy or faith or introspection or even spite has lessened the feeling that I’ve gotten everything out of life that I can get, and I’m just tired and want it to stop. Every year I get a little lonelier and a little less interested in trying to fix it all. Most days I feel ready to go. Limping through life gets old. I kind of want to volunteer or something so I can be useful to others if I care so little, but people mostly get on my nerves these days so there’s not much solace there. I’m honestly frustrated that I haven’t had some kind of fatal accident and I’ll probably have to do this shit myself. Ironically, writing a note and taking care of my shit and driving out to the bridge or getting a gun feels like a lot of effort. So I guess I’ll just go to work tomorrow. Fuck.
I feel you on that one. Not so long ago I told one of the view friends I still have that it deeply saddens me to live for so long without being understood and he... didn't understand what I meant. Ironic. I wish I had my pack, not even as a group of friends, but a bunch of people who have the same values, that I wouldn't need to like personally, but with whom I'd feel that I belong. Like even if people told us "you are a bunch of stupid niggers wasting your lives" and we didn't care since we had the same goal. I'd say being an alcoholic or a junkie fits this description, but I am not into those things.

Volunteer with animals?
I thought about it since I love cats and they seem to love me, but we all know what happens with animals who are unable to find owners. Even if it is just "serene eternal sleep", I can't do this. Also I've read a story of one owner who got a cat who spent several years in a volunteer shelter, because she was aggressive and people could not handle her for more than a couple of weeks. I mean, obviously she had a shit life before the shelter, but I have to wonder how it was there since she turned out to be extremely sick, to the point of having sepsis in her mouth. That is very neglectful.
 
I'm very lonely. It hurts seeing everyone move on in life and I'm just stuck in a lot of ways.

I guess on the bright side I haven't been posting in here as much, I still do feel the pain unfortunately.

I think I'm just going to give up on the tech shit since the job market is absolute ass. It really blows because that's where all of my fucking savant knowledge is but... it is what it is I guess.

Going to be checking out flight schools instead, old friend of mine kinda has me convinced it might be good for me. I already obsess over aviation bullshit and have taught myself a LOT of fundamentals, navigation, terms etc. I think I'd probably do well as a pilot, just need to dedicate myself to that and it'd do me good. "Glorified truck driver" is the title my freighter friend calls it lmao

Just need to make something of my life, and make this feel purposeful I guess.
 
It's been a week of mixed feelings. I finished something I had put off for ages, and it feels absolutely amazing waking up in the morning knowing that that shit's done and dusted. As a dopamine bonus, I received very positive feedback for it and it has already started to yield the intended results.

However, I also found out by complete accident that I might be out of a job by the end of the year. My "department" is likely to get axed due to severe budget issues I had been unaware of. 2026 will be a grim year for this company. "It sucks" doesn't even begin to describe it because my current work conditions are so perfect, I absolutely dread having to go back to a normal 9-5 office job.
 
Doesn't fix all that ails you, but since you mentioned volunteering, thought I'd throw out a few minimal interaction but hands-on options.
Thank you for the ideas. I feel a little silly for being so dramatic last night, even if I really felt it, so that’s reassuring. I specifically want to help people, so it frustrates me to not be much of a people person. But I think service is a good way to get outside your own head, so I’ll try that before I do anything stupid.
I wish I had my pack, not even as a group of friends, but a bunch of people who have the same values, that I wouldn't need to like personally, but with whom I'd feel that I belong.
I get it. Finding my people has never been easy, and I’m always on guard and keeping things to myself even with the friends I do find. Perhaps if you figure out your goal first and start pursuing it, the tribe will follow. Easier said than done of course, but I think having a goal of any kind is the key to getting through the day.
 
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I have managed to injure my forearm and I have no idea how.

Don't get old, kids.
QFT (quoted for truth, do younguns still say that on forums?) Sometimes when I am doing very long rowing sessions I have days when my right forearm feels "off" and I have to stop after an hour lest I mess myself up for the next week...

Today I met some friends I had not seen in over half a year and they said I looked like I lost weight (which I did). Felt good. I think this is the least fat I have been in the last 5 years, but I still have a significant amount left to lose, I am sure I am still above 20% bodyfat. I have been going at it ridiculously slow because of my dangerous pizza addiction and unwillingness to compromise on it. Unlike Null's strategy of eating very little and suffering (suffah!), mine is to out-cardio the pizza.
 
I fear I'm going to have to receive my folks' mail if my father keeps getting baited into believing the fake deductible cheques are real. To see a grown, old-ass retired man pout like that after I have to show up in person to point out how bogus it is, TWICE now, makes me think I'm his dad.
 
August was a month of luck for me and a bit of it filled September but October is throwing me some hard balls. Have a new car problem and the part I needed was delayed and learned rats were in my storage unit but only used my stuff to store their food so no rat shit but too many seeds. I’m deep cleaning anything from my unit anyways and I’m trying to contact the company to let them know. So many seeds!!!!
 
I tried a new therapist, who talked to me for ten minutes and recommended me to Intensive Outpatient Therapy.

Fine. I probably needed this a long time ago.

The base cost covers group therapy 3 times a week.

I don't want group therapy. I despise the idea. If you believe, at least to some extent, you are the average of the five people that you spend time with the most, how much improvement can you expect if you're spilling your problems to a bunch of people that aren't doing any better than you are?

More to the point, I've spent a lot of time feeling vulnerable in front of a lot of people that I didn't want to in the service of dating. The last thing I want is to be vulnerable - in fact, probably the worst version of myself - in front of even more people.

I understand the principle, and maybe it's more of an encounter thing rather than a talk therapy thing, I just don't want to talk about my problems in front of complete strangers, nor do I think it's terribly healthy.
So, I talked the lady at the practice that was recommended.

Required: THREE three-hour sessions per week. Plus, two one-on-ones.

Eleven fucking hours of therapy a week.

I have my issues, but there is nothing so wrong with me that I literally need to spend that much time on therapy, let alone more than one full workday per week with people that have issues rather than mentors and people who can teach me to be better.

That doesn't even sound healthy to me. It sounds obsessive. It sounds like a recipe for dependence on therapy.

I am more than willing to submit to the idea that I need help. Lord knows. But there's such a thing as over-treating the problem, and eleven hours a week might fit that definition.
 
So, I talked the lady at the practice(...)
Eleven fucking hours of therapy a week.
Do you have insurance for this or something? Do they really expect anybody to pay for that much useless yapping?

I hate alcohol, but I would rather get drunk than listen to some armchair retard for ELEVEN HOURS a week and PAY them for the privilege.

Therapy is a fucking scam.
 
Do you have insurance for this or something? Do they really expect anybody to pay for that much useless yapping?

I hate alcohol, but I would rather get drunk than listen to some armchair retard for ELEVEN HOURS a week and PAY them for the privilege.

Therapy is a fucking scam.
Insurance, yes, but the setup for the group therapy alone (doesn't even pay for the one-on-ones) came to over $2k.

It's not even that I wouldn't accept it if it were absolutely necessary (like someone who is heavily addicted to drugs and needs constant support), but the problem, like everything else in life, is time. I have to do everything by myself. I don't have eleven hours a week for therapy. Might be nice, but when you manage your household by yourself, eleven hours is an absolute luxury.

So, I'm not entitled to help because I'm giving up the bare minimum just to get my head right? Only to have to dive right back into the problems I had in the first place?
 
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