How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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I've come to the realization that I literally don't know what makes me happy these days. Not necessarily out of nihilism or anything like that, but because I'm essentially hard-wired to focus more on pragmatic value and other people's opinions rather than personal enjoyment on literally just about everything.

Admittedly, part of this is how I was raised. Got drilled into my head that I need to focus solely on other people; even today, I get told that my own thoughts don't matter and that other peoples' wants are more valuable than my life. Reputation and how valuable something else is to others essentially matters more than whether I even like it or not, and I feel more like a servant or an NPC than an actual person. And... well, now all that "teaching" is causing me more and more issues; I found that I can't even think on how to express myself, even in casual situations with friends. I've literally been programmed to think solely on what other people want, and if there's nothing I can do, then I just shut down.

And now that I'm trying to work on personal stuff these days, I'm completely lost. I want to write something personal for stress-relief? I inevitably can only think in "logical, realistic, and overall dark" plotlines, because that's how I've been programmed to think. Tabletop games like DND? If my group already has the general roles all filled, then I quite literally can't think of anything to do, and inevitably quit. Even basic conversations are a hassle, as I feel like I have to constantly watch what I say and make sure I "don't ever make anyone unhappy", because expressing myself means that I'm apparently a bad person that's automatically destined to spend an eternity in Hell.

Decidedly not helping is that plenty of loons online support this type of thinking, like Reddit and even some parts of KF. If you don't always mindlessly going with the flow and dare to express your personal opinion, you'll get jumped on by a pack of rabid autists demanding for you to conform to their wants like a bunch of oversized manchildren.

Hell, I can't even think of what to write here, because part of me is wondering what other people would fucking think about me expressing my own opinions.
 
I had a nerve block in my back yesterday as my lumbar spine has issues. Today I can stand up and walk straight up and down without pain for the first time in months. I don't know how long it will last but the absence of pain is jubilation.
 
My addiction is back I kicked it years ago but I spent 100$ today got nothing out of it because of my sense of urgency, broke down infront of my family after realizing what I did I’m working on stopping it and calming down as we speak I feel sick and never wanted to become bossman jack… first alcohol now gambling
:lossmanjack::lossmanjack::lossmanjack:
 
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Juan But Not Forgotten said:
I mean, dying while asleep is a bliss, but what makes you wish for something like that?
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Lack of drive, purpose or meaning in life. Running around in circles like a headless chicken. Rotting like a vegetable left out on the sun. Sometimes I feel like it'd be better to just be gone instead of waking up to another day of metaphorically repeatedly smashing your head against the wall. I don't know what's different with other 20-something year olds that don't land in this mental cesspit and actually get somewhere in life. Maybe I just rolled the wrong time and place to be born at, who knows.
Overly Serious said:
I felt like that for a while. But it got better. Just a journey you have to take one step at a time and keep moving towards goals, no matter how incremental. Don't do anything rash. Vent here if you need to.
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I don't like venting, or bitching either. I only end up sounding like a whiney lonely faggot that can't get his shit together as if there's not enough of those in the thread. Which is ironic to say given that's what I'm doing right now. That, and I don't feel like venting to a bunch of strangers online will help me in any way.
 
My mom’s divorced, no other kids, health’s in the toilet, so we’ve been spending way more time together than either of us probably wants. She’s got ADHD (possibly comorbid autism), so she just free-associates whatever’s percolating in her head.

One tries to be stoic about it but it’s hard when she asks for help and then steamrolls over every single word you try to say back, sometimes I even phone her from another room because her brain only seems to “listen" if it’s a phone call, otherwise she'll just keeps running the same sentence two or three times with minor edits like she’s workshopping it at an open mic, not hearing a single thing you’re saying.
 
Back when I was poor I made a list of things I wanted to buy. Things like a watch or a video game I never got to play. Now that I make good money I don't want to buy anything, but if there is no drive towards making money other than savings what is the point. It sounds dumb, but it is the first time in my life not living paycheck to paycheck and with money to spare

Edit: I would like to thank the user that cheered me up a month ago when I was job searching. The message got deleted, and I never got to say thank you
 
The only hobby I enjoy doing is something that causes me emotional anguish because of my insecurities and perfectionism. I refuse to give it up, but at the same time, it feels like it's going to kill me if I keep doing it.

Getting art tutoring was a mistake and I'm rarely happy with what I do, outside of gesture drawing. I almost killed myself the last time I had art tutoring several years ago because I was so sick of her saying "draw what you see" as if I see everyone with bad foreshortening or something dumb like that. My vision's slightly fucked up, but I'm not that retarded.
 
Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
Stress off the charts, hanging on by a thread. Home, work, health, kids, parents, future, life. I would really appreciate a break, of the near-miracle variety preferably. Unfortunately the only way out is through.
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Absolutely the truth here. Keep moving forward. If you're going through Hell, don't decide to stay over night.
 
Slav Power said:
Lack of drive, purpose or meaning in life. Running around in circles like a headless chicken. Rotting like a vegetable left out on the sun. Sometimes I feel like it'd be better to just be gone instead of waking up to another day of metaphorically repeatedly smashing your head against the wall.
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I understand that, that sucks, however, it feels more like you devaluing your efforts. I recall you went to the gym and tried to get a job at a hardware store, which I can't count as not trying.

Slav Power said:
I don't know what's different with other 20-something year olds that don't land in this mental cesspit and actually get somewhere in life. Maybe I just rolled the wrong time and place to be born at, who knows.
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You don't know how they actually are, maybe they feel the same way, just hide it better. Considering that depression managed to beat cancer as the main source of suffering according to WHO, I'd say it is quite possible.

Slav Power said:
I don't like venting, or bitching either. I only end up sounding like a whiney lonely faggot that can't get his shit together as if there's not enough of those in the thread. Which is ironic to say given that's what I'm doing right now.
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This is "How are you doing" thread, so it is fine.

Slav Power said:
That, and I don't feel like venting to a bunch of strangers online will help me in any way.
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It is a nice approach if you feel like just spilling it out won''t help, but I'd say "spilling it out and doing nothing afterwards" is more correct.

Look, I realize to the fullest that life can be painful, but now in the moments like these I just recall @Cats. Not so much because of what he did, but how many people were devastated by it. The guy was loved by all of them and he didn't realize it until it was too late. I recall you too said something about people here disliking you, but as you can see it is not true.
 
@Slav Power I want to say that you've got a great response from @Juan But Not Forgotten . Lot of wise words. I'd also like to add that even small improvements and achievements can help. People often think that beating themselves up over stuff is a way to motivate themselves but in practice it's often more the case that feeling good about something is more motivating to bring about change.

A couple of practical techniques that can be surprisingly effective are:
  • Introduce a positive habit once a week. Can be doing 15 minutes cleaning every morning, five minutes breathing meditation, twenty minutes sketching, whatever feels positive to you - but make it a habit. Make it a routine. Structure will help as will the activity. Habits and routine might feel a little banal to you but they're the basis for improving things.
  • Start keeping a journal. The practice done daily helps maintain focus and goals and self-insight. You don't have to write much but it's a great habit to get into and really helps you crystallise achievements so they stay with you.
  • Identify a trigger for something that brings you down or derails your day. Maybe the negative is oversleeping and getting up late. And the trigger might be going to bed at 1am. Could be eating a bunch of junk food instead of a proper meal and the trigger could be not setting aside time to cook or shopping when hungry. Whatever it is, pick something out and the focus on eliminating the trigger.
Getting out of where you are is not easy. But you can do things that aren't easy - you're smart enough to do it.
 
Slav Power said:
Maybe I just rolled the wrong time and place to be born at, who knows.
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Being Polish or any type of Slav is difficult. Your only solution is to become gay, move to Warsaw/Crackow, and suck dick for cock in hope of being offered some tech job. Alternatively, emigrate and do manual labor in the West.
 
I posted it in the Beauty Parlor chat when it happened, but that chat is basically dead most of the time.
My last surviving grandpa died unexpectedly last month. I never heard anyone say anything bad about the man, either while he was living or when he died.
I know that the people featured on here are suffering in their own ways, and living terrible lives. And I enjoy reading and laughing about it. I don’t let it anger me.
But I can’t deny that it bums me out that terrible people are still around, while it seems like the really good ones die off. My grandpa lived a long and fulfilling life, but it still didn’t feel long enough. And I know that he was scared of his heart surgery going wrong. And it did.

I come from a large family, and my grandparents had more granddaughters than grandsons. My grandmother wants her granddaughters to spend the night with her on Saturday and have a “girl’s night”; all of us are young women now.
I really only agreed to go for the “optics”, and even though I do feel some sympathy for my grandmother, she’s been a rude and tense woman in my life. I overheard her tell my mother that I wouldn’t amount to anything in my life, while I was dealing with the awkwardness of being a pre-teen, my parent’s messy and abusive divorce, and being clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I ended up being the first one out of all of her grandchildren to buy my own house. My grandparents got married the same night that they met though, and they beat the odds. I can’t deny that she’s hurting right now.

I just wish that I had the trope of a “nice grandmother”. Both of my maternal and paternal ones are still alive, and both rude and mean in their own ways.
My stepdad’s mother treated me as her own and she was a very nice woman. But she wasn’t biologically mine, and didn’t come into my life until my late teens. And I only had a few years with her.

So I’m going to brace through Saturday night and Sunday morning. At least my sister feels the same way that I do.
 
Super Guido said:
The only hobby I enjoy doing is something that causes me emotional anguish because of my insecurities and perfectionism. I refuse to give it up, but at the same time, it feels like it's going to kill me if I keep doing it.

Getting art tutoring was a mistake and I'm rarely happy with what I do, outside of gesture drawing. I almost killed myself the last time I had art tutoring several years ago because I was so sick of her saying "draw what you see" as if I see everyone with bad foreshortening or something dumb like that. My vision's slightly fucked up, but I'm not that retarded.
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You’re not alone, the one thing you enjoy you love so much you’ve become a perfectionist goes insanely hard, I draw too so I understand that feeling itch if the arm is shorter than the legs and art school is nothing more than a glorified daycare or go down as opressive and constrictive. But I’m more like event angry, if something I planned didn’t go my way, let alone perfectly I get ya. You’re not alone
 
Bit of an update to my prior post about my writing issues; namely, I... might have a character and plotline idea nailed down for my writing. Paradoxically, it's made up of story and character concepts that I typically HATE using, and yet for some reason they work genuinely pretty well for this. Not to mention, I actually like it; the two concepts that I was locking myself with previously I ended up kinda hating both, but this one is actually fairly solid and something that's weirdly enjoyable.

I do still need to get a LOT of stuff properly set up for it before I can start using it, and compared to the other two concepts it's also quite a bit more difficult to plan stuff out for. That said, it's got a ton of ideas for it that I do like, and it's honestly easier and more fun to write than the prior two designs; not to mention, it also incorporates a LOT of fun stuff that I've been wanting to write for a long time, so that's a major bonus.
 
I was a Teenage “JA”-man said:
You’re not alone, the one thing you enjoy you love so much you’ve become a perfectionist goes insanely hard, I draw too so I understand that feeling itch if the arm is shorter than the legs and art school is nothing more than a glorified daycare or go down as opressive and constrictive. But I’m more like event angry, if something I planned didn’t go my way, let alone perfectly I get ya. You’re not alone
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How do I deal with it? I've almost completely stopped drawing because it drives me nuts.
 
The ex's brother called today about a land boundary question. He's a solid guy so I found the documents on file with the gov't, but it's up to him and his neighbor to sort out their issue. I did what I could to save him what looks like a few grand in legal fees and legwork to get everything needed. I didn't ask how she was and he didn't offer. He's got a cool dog so good for him. Dude owes me 12 pack or something.
 
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