/horror/ general megathread - Let's talk about movies and shit.

[Calandrino]

I meant modern

Yeah that's probably not going to be very good then

 

[umseriously]

If you had to write the story for a final nightmare on elm street movie, with Robert Englund back, how would you do it?

 

[Your Starter for 10]

Nice try Wes Craven.

 

[Kofi Drinka]

If you had to write the story for a final nightmare on elm street movie, with Robert Englund back, how would you do it?

Make it like the original again but with different characters and kills. Make Freddy a fucking monster who targets younger kids not just teenagers. Have the opening be some little 10 year old girl being lured by Freddy. She's walking through his boiler room crying. Around her are dirty kids in cages telling her to shush he'll hear her. The girl keeps making noise and Freddy appears mostly in shadow. The caged kids cower and hide as best they can in the cages. Freddy calls the girl over and the scene switches to the parents in the morning. They go to wake the girl up and she's been butchered in her bed. "Freddy's back" is written on her belly in slash marks..

Then proceed to make him brutal and fucked up. He goes after children and even grown up kids of elm street. Make it so no one is safe and even include a baby in the story. A baby who refuses to sleep. Make the story about Freddy trying to kill that baby specifically but being unable to get into it's dreams. Older sibling has to piece together Freddy's story (discard the old shit) and stop him before he murders their baby sibling. She can't be killed by Freddy yet because her brain isn't developed enough to dream fully. It's too fragmented and broken but as she gets older he'll be able to and that's why it's so urgent to stop Freddy.

Freddy needs to become dangerous again and he needs to target innocent children not just slutty teenagers. No silly kills, no meta jokes. Just a sick fuck killing people, taunting them with the chance to escape and then nasty one liners.

 

[Aib Ld]

Dourif can't even riff as chucky which is the sole reason I'm watching a series called chucky.

The Child's Play 2019 remake got completely fucked by Don fucking over it twice because "it wasn't his Chucky". Brad Douriff even got on the remake, but something made him quit over it and he came back to the show to barely voice Chucky.
I guess Don got mad at it not having any gays or something absurd and actually making Chucky does what he does best: strike from out of nowwhere to kill. The only glaring issue about it is some of the Chucky animatronics in various scenes hitting the uncanny valley really hard.

Freddy needs to become dangerous again and he needs to target innocent children not just slutty teenagers. No silly kills, no meta jokes. Just a sick fuck killing people, taunting them with the chance to escape and then nasty one liners.

isn't this basically the 2010 remake?

 

[Your Starter for 10]

Freddy needs to become dangerous again and he needs to target innocent children not just slutty teenagers. No silly kills, no meta jokes. Just a sick fuck killing people, taunting them with the chance to escape and then nasty one liners.

Big Yikes.

OK, I'm going to throw my fedora into the ring because this rewrite is so toxic and unsuitable for modern horror audiences that it makes me want to throw up.

First, we start with Freddy in a dream targeting our lead girl, played by Zendaya, or, if we can't get her, someone just like her but even better. He's chasing her and, just to please the old fans of this series, he does get off some hilarious one liners. Like when she hides and blasts him in the face with a steam vent, he says "Now I'm REALLY STEAMED," and then, later she gets the better of him in a fight (mostly because she's holding back), she kicks him in the balls and he says "Well that just happened!" Anyway, the chase continues, and just as he's about to kill her, claws burst out of his chest - but not just one set, TWO SETS of claws. And there we see xer.

That's right, it's Freddy's bi-racial, trans daughter (dressed in his trademark sweater) Fredwina. Instead of burns, xhe has vitiligo, but unlike his burns, xhe feels GREAT about being empowered with these striking markings.

Xhe begins approaching Zendaya with her claws outstretched, and we think xhe's going to kill her, but at the last second xhe takes off her gloves and helps Zendaya off the ground. When their fingers touch, we see a flashback of first Fredwina, and then Zendaya being abused and having bleach poured on them by some white racist chud men.

Their eyes lock, and Fredwina says, "Come on Zendaya, we've got some work to do. These Nazis are about to have a Nightmare...on Elm Street."

Then they spend the rest of the movie clowning on Freddy (who's not dead, of course), and getting revenge on the chuds in their depraved Nazi dreams.

 

[PS1gamenwatch]

If you had to write the story for a final nightmare on elm street movie, with Robert Englund back, how would you do it?

I wouldn't. I'd just make Freddy vs Jason vs Ash and let Raimi, Campbell and Englund have creative control over it.

 

[Hamsteroid]

First, we start with Freddy

Played by Jack Black, who still refuses to get a haircut. He air-guitars at least twice the memorable part of the theme.

played by Zendaya, or, if we can't get her, someone just like her but even better

Rachel Zegler is always a guaranty for success.

some white racist chud men.

Lead by Robert Englund. He is only five to ten minutes in the movie, but his name on the poster is as prominent as the others.

Their eyes lock, and Fredwina says, "Come on Zendaya, we've got some work to do. These Nazis are about to have a Nightmare...on Elm Street."

Last minute reshoot: They are standing in front of an ad for a TPUSA event.

getting revenge on the chuds in their depraved Nazi dreams.

In the process, they save a hard-working illegal immigrant single mother and her two children from deportation and a capital B black boy from being shot by the police.

 

[strumpets exeunt]

Just read the spoilers for Jordan Peele's new movie. We've progressed way past the point of him taking advantage of cultural trends to outright having crippling mental health issues about white people even existing, Remember those stories about him missing out on the rights to Weapons and firing his staff? You just know he intended to turn it into an A24 movie about creepy white people sucking the life from hapless brown school children. Even the critics are starting to turn on him.

 

[urr13 account]

If you had to write the story for a final nightmare on elm street movie, with Robert Englund back, how would you do it?

"A Conjuring on Elm Street"

The recent conjuring movie was in the 80s so it writes itself, Patrick and Vera go to elm street to investigate the events of the first few movies and before anyone says "but the conjuring is a true story", no its not and it would be cool to have Freddy murder the supporting characters of a conjuring movie which would automatically make it better than any of the previous conjuring movies. This movie would make 1 billions dollars.

 

[The Nothingness]

I can see why The First Omen got rave reviews. Women being controlled and abused by a religious institution? Radicals in the Catholic Church are responsible for the Antichrist because of secularism? How edgy and original

 

[Tri-Tachyon'sClown]

Someone already made a post about it but I finally watched 28 years later.

Spoiler: Scuffed review

The Good - The more emotional scenes weren't bad imo, like when they learn she has cancer and so the doctor drugs the child then puts down the mom. I did find it hilarious how the doctor just walks in with the skull and sets it down like "here's your mom, kid." I also liked the "red night vision" scenes, at least until the Alpha rips the Deer's (Elk?) head off and impales it on a tree. That's when I knew I was in for a shitshow and I shouldn't take it too seriously. Don't get me wrong, it's still shit, but at least I know it won't be something worth getting to upset over, which was a given if we consider the last decade or so of movies sucked ass.

Everything else - Fuck man, what little good this movie has is pretty decent but the bad is just awful. Let's start with the first scene, immediately killing off the children (lol only one boy) is just cheap (like most of this movie) and feels like a "remember how the kids died in the second movie? Well here's MORE!" Oh I'm retarded, the main kids survived in 28 weeks later. Everything was ok after that until the Church scene with the crazy priest going "YES" when he's being attacked because "muh rapture" or some shit, not caring the slightest about himself or his family (also I assume he became a priest after he had children, also feels like a slight rehash of the first movie's crazy priest). Had to check some early life sections for that, found that the writer's father is not a fan of religion so that probably influenced his son.

The infected should be all dead, though we do see barely any infected (even a malnourished one, but only one for some reason), but what I want to know is how they survived exposure for 28 years? They clearly need to hunt in the winter as they eat meat seemingly exclusively, and they're all naked now apparently so what, do they huddle in buildings and develop the ability to hibernate with very little if no need to consume? Speaking of infected, what the fuck is with those bloated ones that seem to prioritize worms even when there's a sleeping child (seriously that kid can sleep through a nuke) right in front of one of them? And they can clearly stand and...waddle run when they try since an even fatter one than the others managed to do that, probably better than when they were alive? And of course the one that attacks at night takes its sweat ass time to build suspense.

Then there's the alpha...why the fuck is that a thing? Big ass rage beast that can and actually prefers to rip the heads off things instead of outright infecting them which goes against how the virus works. It's "smarter" too, which just means it...stands there...menacingly. And also ambushes, but rarely. Despite snapping and ripping heads off with little issue, it can't rip out a rusty hatch from the ground with all its roided out tard strength. K. It can also be instantly tranquilized by a single morphine dart, somehow. And for some reason people seem allergic to killing this fucking thing. There have been more than one chances to kill this thing and no one can do it, such as in the tunnel where the incredibly incompetent NATO patrol just watch as it rips the head off of one of their squad members...then doesn't bother shooting it. In fact the survivor, Erik, instead shoots the other infected (of which there should be more given how many were chasing them) blocking the only way out instead of doming the Alpha on sight and somehow managed to escape, conveniently running into our main characters.

Also why is everyone largely incompetent? The fucking teletubby punk power rangers are more competent than a squad of trained soldiers. I remember when that one guy stood still, shot his infected teammates, while several infected ran past him and ignored him, then got jumped by a single one. And why the fuck do you not have padded everything since humans can't bite through, for example, a stack of magazines taped around your forearms. Even 28 years later you should have training to deal with any infected you come across. Speaking of which, it took one person (in 28 weeks later) to doom parts of the UK but you'd think 28 years later they'd try again since, logically, there should be absolutely zero infected and anyone still alive could simply be tested to be a carrier and executed if they are. But nope, just permanently condemned. It was confirmed that the infection was wiped out again after the other outbreak in mainland Europe so they could easily after a single year wipe out the infected in the British Isles, but no fuck that I guess.

And why are melee weapons not a thing until the teletubby power rangers show up? A long melee weapon should be (and is) extremely effective in 99% of open engagements with the infected, but spinning them around or getting them in a good position and slicing their throats or just impaling them in the heart so that blood is less likely to contact your holes is good too. Hell, you'd think there'd be more makeshift weapons like wooden spears in general but all nope, all bows and only bows, and barely any arrows either. Not even a machete or a good knife just in case (which is hilarious when you remember this takes places in Britain). And no masks? Only the doctor wore a face covering (not even a medical mask, like a torn shirt) and only really for one scene where he was burning the bodies iirc. I'd imagine because he discovered iodine repels the infection if it's not straight in your orifices...some random doctor managed to not only survive, not only thrive, but managed to find something that repels the infection all by himself, with no medical equipment, and the military apparently can't do that. Speaking of the doctor, not sure that giant bone monument is possible for a single man, even after all these years, but who knows.

Not much else to say, nothing was really memorable or worth writing about beyond that, that kid goes from shaky hands and hesitating to kill a tied up infected (after killing the bloating one earlier mind you) to taking his mother all the way to the lone doctor (who no one bother to send for in 13-15 fucking years because "he scared our scouts by...burning infected bodies that might still cause an outbreak...like everyone else") where there are still roaming packs of infected and barely showing much signs of being too scared. They grow up so fast eh? Also this little kid decided "fuck it" and stays out there anyway, and apparently he's been trained to catch fish and gut them nicely too (which I'm not too surprised, they live on a small island...except I've seen no one eat fish that entire movie except the one infected at the end).

The punk rock power rangers was just retarded and the fact that I've read it was inspired off Clockwork Orange or some shit made me wheeze. I think the last thing I'll say is that this movie is so far removed from the other two movies that it if you removed the title and any mention of the number 28 it'd be no different from any generic zombie movie.

TL;DR It's not worth watching more than once, 28 days later is still the best in the series and probably zombie/infection media in general, and I'm still debating on whether it was better than 28 weeks later. I've only been painfully annoyed a few times in 28 years vs most of 28 weeks after the first scene. Then again I at least paid attention to 28 weeks later even if it pissed me off (except that first scene, seriously that scene shits on so many other movies to me), meanwhile I'm actively forgetting details from 28 years later and I just watched it this morning. Just watch 28 days later.
Any recommendations? I haven't really watched horrors movies most of my life so I'll take any suggestions.

 

[The handsome tard]

I find it funny that with the new good boy movie coming out people refuse to see it because they are worried or scared to see a dog hurt or distress. Hell they even had to come out and say the dog does not get hurt.

But when weapons came out a month ago. Nobody was worried or scared about kids being hurt or in distress and nobody came out in early screenings to warn about child abuse.

People always had this tendency to grow attached to animals, especially dogs given how they have been man's best friend for thousands of years. Thats fine but given the times we live in where people unironically think a pet is a replacement for a kid, I cant help but feel like its a by product of the cultural misanthropy times we live in.

Its not enough to love your dog, you must hate humanity itself and what is more human than a kid?

The cope for The Long Walk's performance has begun.
https://www.slashfilm.com/1968998/stephen-king-the-long-walk-box-office/

Believe it or not, not only The Long Walk is a rather overrated story that gets needlessly bleak (like a lot of King's stories) but King's behavior on social media just may be finally starting to catch up to him and legit be a detrimental for the performance of the adaptations of his books.

I cant believe its to the point where companies may legit need to tell King to tone it down as to not serve as negative PR against future projects. It doesnt help King was among many that gravedanced on Charlie Kirk's assassination. People are sick and tired of these elitist fucks smelling their own farts.

I mean he has a good work ethic.

Writing the book equivalent of fast food and suffering TDS on his spare time when not writing about child sex or child murder.

Good work ethic indeed.

He always came off to me as a man that needs to be a writer to express some darkness that could become dangerous if he doesnt.

The Strangers movies are overrated dog shit.

First movie was an ok horror movie, it came out in an interesting time where horror movies were focusing on more human ish threats and another one of its kind was "vacancy"




Neither of them were very objectively good but tv sure liked to show reruns of these two movies. And they had an unironically interesting premise of human threats that are mostly inspired on real events (not based, just inspired on IRL tales of sleezy places and home invaders)



With all of that said, the hype around the Strangers fell short as it took too many years for to make any sort of come back and when they did, they were not only more generic but were bested and killed by two teenagers. But now they want to bring them back and make them "scary" again? Im sorry, any "intimidation" factor The Strangers had is gone and pulling a semi-prequel/semi-reboot wont cut it, we all know this trio of killers will get bested in the most retarded way possible.

Chucky also deciding to take pity on the faggot protagonist and protect him from his bullies by doing standup comedy? Wtf is this, chucky protecting someone from bullies? Is this a chucky series or a self insert fanfic?

The same Chucky that stabbed the belly of a pregnant woman as a human, constantly hunted and tormented a little boy to switch places with his soul and tried to kill his own kid and wife after the latter said they didnt want anything to do with him

The same Chucky that literally spelled out



Yep, its fanfiction. That is not Chucky.

They're remaking Anaconda!

Spoiler: And it maybe the worst remake ever

Using the name for a generic Jack Black comedy movie. Because the world needs more unfunny garbage right?
https://youtube.com/watch?v=cZyU7mBXwLc

Its one of those "Why use this title?" For nostalgia? For Anaconda? Who is unironically nostalgic for it?

Its obviously done for recognition but it literally has nothing else. And its a remake of a movie that wasnt even that great to begin with.

 

[strumpets exeunt]

Its not enough to love your dog, you must hate humanity itself and what is more human than a kid?

Independence Day: millions of people, including most of the supporting cast from the first 30 minutes of the film, die horribly in fiery Hellish blasts.

Also Independence Day:

 

[Kofi Drinka]

People always had this tendency to grow attached to animals, especially dogs given how they have been man's best friend for thousands of years. Thats fine but given the times we live in where people unironically think a pet is a replacement for a kid, I cant help but feel like its a by product of the cultural misanthropy times we live in.

Its not enough to love your dog, you must hate humanity itself and what is more human than a kid?

You're getting very Reddit here. People don't like seeing animals killed because they're generic good things. They represent a wholesome family in a way people don't. The reason no one cares about the kids in Weapons is because they don't exist as characters. They're background dressing for the events to happen. A single dog is a character and represents something. 10,000 people dying as Godzilla nukes Tokyo is just statistics and we have no reason to care about them.

 

[XYZpdq Jr.]

Independence Day: millions of people, including most of the supporting cast from the first 30 minutes of the film, die horribly in fiery Hellish blasts.

Also Independence Day:
View attachment 7949114

Turbodog never got the spinoff movies they planned with teasing his superspeed powers here

 

[Big Miss Steak]

Writing the book equivalent of fast food and suffering TDS on his spare time when not writing about child sex or child murder.

Good work ethic indeed.

IDK about more recently now that he's an old fart but breakfast, exercise, and writing for 3+ hours and aiming for about 2,000 words every day, before you do anything "fun" or "social" is a fantastic work ethic for a writer who could easily sit back and relax on their millions and put out a book every couple years. His On Writing is a good read for anyone who writes or wants to write.

He always came off to me as a man that needs to be a writer to express some darkness that could become dangerous if he doesnt.

I agree 100%

Saw Him. It's very A24. Good performances and cinematography but lacking in everything else. Too many scenes of weird/surreal shit without progressing the plot forward. It's a shame because I think that combining people's religious devotion to sportsball with occultism is a cool idea. The race commentary is minimal and appropriate. People saying it feels more like a music video than a movie are right.

 

[Brain Problems]

Saw Him. It's very A24. Good performances and cinematography but lacking in everything else. Too many scenes of weird/surreal shit without progressing the plot forward. It's a shame because I think that combining people's religious devotion to sportsball with occultism is a cool idea. The race commentary is minimal and appropriate. People saying it feels more like a music video than a movie are right.

I dislike Peele's movies on a fundamental level very very strongly but I will not begrudge the man that he has an eye for the visual aspect of film, which is about half the battle. He just cannot for the life of him turn off the nignog dimestore-twilight zone part of his brain and make something that doesn't feel like a UPN script with extraordinary visuals. If you're saying it isn't too heavy handed in it I'll take your word for it (the best he's done imo Nope was pretty minimal but was still there).

Also, Danse Macabre is a great read too. A bit dated now but the main tenets are still sound. You can shit on the man's public persona all you want but he isn't a boor.

 

[Big Miss Steak]

Also, Danse Macabre is a great read too. A bit dated now but the main tenets are still sound. You can shit on the man's public persona all you want but he isn't a boor.

Misery is my favorite but I've been meaning to read Danse Macabre as well.

If you're saying it isn't too heavy handed in it I'll take your word for it (the best he's done imo Nope was pretty minimal but was still there).

Spoiler

The owners of the team are white, as is the main character's agent, but these are background/side characters that the main character doesn't confront until the end of the film when he learns that they are all involved in an occult ritual to give the star quarterback supernatural abilities. The quarterback's influencer wife is white as well but she tries to warn the main character away. There's one white football player at the compound who is chosen to be beaten until the main character can throw a pass with a swiftness that is to the trainer's liking. The team's medic is a white guy who tries to warn the main character to escape and he's killed for it. The main antagonist is the very black star quarterback who ribs the main character for being a lightskin.

 

[Your Starter for 10]

If you're saying it isn't too heavy handed in it I'll take your word for it (the best he's done imo Nope was pretty minimal but was still there).

The "evil" QB's name is White, and "he didn't earn his success." Yeah, totally not heavy handed.

The movie is retarded and meant for retards to enjoy. Half of it is stolen from MK back when it was good and the other have is just whining about Tom Brady.